Meet the Enemy

Chris White was born and immediately began to suck. For much of his infancy, he was a black hole from which no dream could escape; the hopes of his parents were crushed into nothingness by the all-consuming weight of his suckitude. Throughout his childhood he refined his unexplainable awfulness, much like you or I might work to improve at sports, or live action role playing. By the time he reached high school he was the most awful human being in recorded history, but not satisfied, he continued to head down the path of suck, guaranteeing that no being from any future civilization could surpass his legend. Worst of all, his parents never taught him that, if someone goes to every single one of your comedy shows, and then starts mailing you oil paintings of you bare-chested riding a mighty stallion, it's at least polite to send a thank you card. Because if you don't, then you might get blasted with a full-on awesome Web site that tears you to shreds. OH, SNAP!

Of course, the Chris-controlled media won't tell you the truth. Though it turns our stomach, we feel it is important to present Chris' "official" bio -- if you know the lies told by his evil PR machine, you will be ready with snappy comebacks. We suggest, "that's a lie, he actually sucks."

Comedian Chris White

Chris White is all that and a bag of chips. But it’s not that simple. Are you ready to have your mind blown? Go take a minute and brace yourself. We’ll wait here. (Twiddling thumbs … whistling “Theme From ‘A Summer Place’ ”) You’re back and braced? You’re sitting down in a chair with good lumbar support? Then here it is: The chips are sour cream n’ onion – with ridges. And we’re talking about a 12-ounce bag with no broken chips, buddy. Believe it.

Sometimes goofy, sometimes twisted and always original, Chris’ stories are filled with right angles, making for one of the most surprising and fresh shows around. He talks mostly about his family and hot dogs. It’s dark humor with a light touch – and the Boston Globe almost won the Pulitzer for criticism by calling him a “hidden gem.” It was really close voting, we swear. "I like Chris' act because it's so original," says Chris White, but we assure you, a completely different Chris White. "He sets you up to expect a regular punchline, then he completely surprises you. Like his joke about his new diet -- letting hatred eat away at him from the inside. I laughed so hard it made me forget the stunning cruelty of man's inhumanity to man, sort of. Excuse me, I have to go sit in a dark room and cry."

Chris is a crowd favorite in Washington D.C., and he now travels to perform at clubs across the country. In the summer of 2007 he was featured on "Last Comic Standing" (for two minutes, but still); he has participated in the Boston and Washington comedy festivals; in May 2005 he won the Carnival Comedy Challenge in Pittsburgh, Pa.; and he has worked with many fine comedians, all of whom secretly wished they were Chris. He operates the Web site dcstandup.com, and in August 2004 he released his first full-length comedy CD, "Forbidden Style." You can hear him regularly on XM Satellite Radio (150), according to the truck drivers he often meets at comedy clubs.

Chris was born and raised outside of Philadelphia and is one of three brothers. His parents are a lawyer, which is funny, and a nuclear physicist, which is a lie. He is a life-long fan of the Phillies, which requires both an excellent sense of humor and the ability to swing a bar stool. After studying history and journalism at the University of Richmond, Chris edited opinion columns at The Washington Post for five years before becoming a full-time comedian. He currently lives on Capitol Hill, if you can call that living.

Clubs Worked (Partial List)

  • DC Improv
  • Baltimore Improv
  • Baltimore Comedy Factory
  • Wiseacres, Tysons Corner, Va.
  • Helium, Philadelphia
  • Zanies, Nashville
  • Crackers, Indianapolis
  • Go Bananas, Cincinnati
  • The Funny Bone, Pittsburgh
  • The Funny Bone, South Bend
  • Comedy Showcase, Ann Arbor
  • The Funny Farm, Atlanta
  • Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, Detroit
  • Joey's Comedy Club, Detroit
  • Rivercenter Comedy Club, San Antonio
  • The Comedy Zone, various locations
  • The Comedy Catch, Chattanooga

Why Chris Sucks: Chris doesn't like to eat fish. So screw you, fishermen of the Northeast! Find some other way to support your families!

Legal Stuff: If you have questions about this Web site, why? You should spend your time questioning the moral nature of any god who would let Chris White exist. But anyhow ... copyright 2008, Chris White Sucks Inc.