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Promising a "solid future for America," President Obama signed a $62.4 billion odd jobs bill this afternoon at a Rose Garden ceremony.

The initiative provides a massive infusion to the struggling economy, for the purpose of painting fences, evening-out table legs and oiling the crap that needs to get oiled. "The cracks in our economy's foundation are troubling," Obama said, "but now they will be weed-free for the first time in months."

Reactions on Capitol Hill were mixed. "I cannot condone this spending in a time of soaring deficits," said Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire, the top Republican on the Budget Committee. "But the leaves in the Capitol gutters are like, totally turning black. It's nasty, and I'm not getting up at 8 a.m. on Sunday to handle that s***."

More than $23 billion will go to the purchase of 3-day-old bagels and muffins, which will be exchanged for the stump pulling, shed builiding and screen-door hanging covered under the program. Around $20 billion goes to rail infrastructure and cars to transport workers across the country. And $19.4 billion is designated as "scratch money, for parts and hooch and whatnot." Combined with the recently passed whitewash tax credit, the total economic impact is estimated at $100 billion.

The International Brotherhood of Hobos and Vagrants applauded the signing. "The devasating recession has deferred too many dreams," said IBHV President Patches Malone. "No longer will ditches go undug, nor holes unfilled. The promise of America is still strong. Uh, where's the nearest liquor store?"

Tags: politics