And the Oscar goes to ...

Another year, another disappointing Oscar broadcast. A roomful of the most successful entertainers in the world, and yet they can't put on an entertaining show. We ask the show to live up to a memory -- not of one particular standard, but of the most exciting moments our minds have cherrypicked from the last 20 years.

Thank god I know how to fix this!

Fewer Best Picture montages. If you haven't seen a movie, a two-minute tribute isn't going to suddenly convince you of its greatness. Why not just let the nomination speak for itself?

A ban on thanking agents. People at home don't care about agents. Many of them would think "CAA" is the Colonial Athletic Association. Why waste your time running off a laundry list of names that mean nothing to the people watching at home? You can thank everyone in person after the show.

Actual acting. Lots of the acting nominess come from smaller art films that few people have seen, so we have no opinions about who to root for. All nominees should therefore have attend the ceremony in character, with appropriate costume. They they should perform a scene from something with at least five actors that is readily accessible -- maybe something from "The Jeffersons" where both the neighbors and the maid are in the room. Only, they should perform as though it were the character acting in "The Jeffersons," not them. "Good Times" would also work. Then the audience applause-o-meter at the Kodak theater could determine the winner. I also am open to the directing nominees each getting a 30-minute chunk of the Oscar broadcast to prove their worth to an eager nation.

Chimpanzees. Instead of playing a speaker off the stage with music, they should release angry chimpanzees once a speech hits the one-minute mark. If you didn't want angry chimpanzees, you could just release chimpanzees on Segways. If you can stay on the mic long enough to finish, you have earned it.

Pneumatic Oscar gun. Rather than have people wander all the way up to the stage to give their speeches, when awarded an Oscar, they should have it fired at them by one of those pneumatic hot-dog guns from stadiums, only rigged to shoot Oscars. Also, Oscars should be modified to bear the visage of L. Ron Hubbard.

No more movies that have already been released. Who gets pumped to go to the movie theater to see an old movie? The 2010 Academy Awards should be all about movies that will be released in 2010. Imagine how much MORE excited you'll be for "Iron Man 2" when it has already won 3 Oscars! Exciting, right? We should also reward concepts that sound intriguing, but do not yet exist. If best potential screenplay went to "Mammoth," a gritty crime drama about a beat cop who rides a wooly mammoth cloned from remains found in a glacier, then that might be just the thing that finally gets that project rolling. Incidentally, I have a script treatment if anyone wants it.

Better announcing. Let's lose the shrill woman who runs down the achievements of each winner as they walk to the stage. Instead, let's get Morgan Freeman to read a list of each winner's sexual conquests.

Death montage. Finally, the "in memoriam" montage should be modified. No longer should it honor the departed. Instead, it should list people whose careers have died. Either that, or people from all walks of life that the Academy of Motion Pictures would like to see dead.

Tags: movies