30 in 30: Mom

On my mom's birthday, a few stories about the time she beat me with a garden hose. I'M STILL NOT SORRY, MOM!

Please note that the odds are now 10 to 1 against that I'll actually stay on schedule and complete this entire project as envisioned.

Pardon Me Stewardess, I Speak Philadelphian

Watching Eagles/Panthers on MNF. The announcers just mentioned a poll where 75 percent of Philadelphians said they'd rather have A.J. Feeley at QB over Jeff Garcia. (It was an online poll of about 1,000 people.) They're speculating it's because Feeley did a good job for the Eagles a few years ago.

The real reason: the kinds of Philadelphia fans who spend time voting in online polls are the same fans who think Jeff Garcia is gay. They don't want a gay guy on the team. I would bet a kidney this is the real meaning of the poll.

Not my kidney, but someone's kidney.

Rematch

Florida vs. Ohio State in the college football championship game, because apparently poll voters didn't want to see a Michigan-Ohio State rematch.

But rematches are awesome! Consider:

• The Rebellion, on the road, defeats the Empire in a huge last-second upset with some timely perimeter shooting. The Empire goes on the road for the rematch and soundly defeats the Rebellion with a neutral zone trap, setting the stage for an epic rubber match at the home opener of the Empire's swanky new taxpayer-funded stadium. The Rebellion wins when Darth Vader, in the pocket of bookies, throws the game.
• After a heartbreaking defeat in World War I, Germany is crippled by salary cap issues and goes into a "rebuilding phase." After several decades of losing, they come out strong in 1938 with a high-powered, Indianapolis Colts-like offense with big-play capability on the ground or in the air. The European conference championship is theirs, but their Colts-like playoff woes haunt them as the United States, in an epic World War rematch, once again uses superior clock management and sound fundamentals to overcome the razzle-dazzle. People in bars and at watercoolers everywhere ask if this should be called a U.S. "dynasty."
• In February 2006, I lose to my girlfriend in Scrabble for the first time. Foolishly granting an immediate rematch, she learns the folly of her ways as I score three triple word scores and two 50-point 7-tile bonuses in an astonishing 350-154 thrashing that restores the fundamental order of the universe and is in no way tainted by her obviously fradulent allegations that I was hiding the Z, Q, X and J tiles in my shoe. They just fell in there. Is that my fault?

While a playoff might be nice for college football, using computer-generated rankings opens the door to an exciting movie where Carnegie Mellon computer science students, as a prank, hack the BCS system and arrange for the Division III Tartans to take on the Buckeyes in the title game. They then defeat the overconfident Ohio St. with a combination of moxy, flubber, and remarkably humanistic androids built as part of a research grant from the Pentagon. I call it "Revenge of the Nerds V."

We Are Not A Muse

Here's Wikipedia's list (it must be accurate, it's on the Internet!) of the Greek Muses: Calliope (Chief of the muses and muse of epic song); Euterpe (muse of lyric song); Clio (muse of history); Erato (muse of erotic poetry); Melpomene (muse of tragedy); Polyhymnia (muse of sacred song); Terpsichore (muse of dance); Thalia (muse of comedy and bucolic poetry); Urania (muse of astronomy).

There has to be jurisdictional issues. Dirty limericks: Thalia or Erato? Junior high school dances: Terpsichore or Melpomene?

No Sale

I know people gotta work, but I prefer my commercial actors totally anonymous. There's a Dell ad right now where a dad in an easy chair is ordering a computer for his daughter. I recognize the dad from "The Practice," where he played a transvestite serial killer in love with Camryn "Steamroller" Manheim. He was shot by a naked Lara Flynn Boyle.

I would buy a computer from the same place as a transvestite serial killer, but from the same place as a guy with the hots for Camryn Manheim? No chance.

Unless ... the commercial ends with Lara Flynn Boyle showing up to deliver the computer in a UPS jumpsuit. When creepy turns to find a pen so he can sign for the package, she disrobes, pulls out a gun and shoots him.

That might make me buy two computers.

I also do not like when actors appear in multiple national ad campaigns at once. There you are, trying to watch football, when your wife yells at you because you didn't sign up for online billpaying. Five minutes later, you have your tongue stuck in the beaters of an electric mixer while another woman claiming to be your wife stands by. Whose husband are you? Or are you one of those truck drivers with a wife at each end of the line? I do not trust you or the billpaying methods you are being used to advertise.

Unless ... you're a fundamentalist Mormon. Then we're cool.

30 in 30: Philosophy

Ooooh. Deep.

Merry Festivus!

30 in 30: Lansdowne

Where I grew up!

The Final Countdown ...

30 in 30: Gifts

Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie! Merry Xmas.

The Final Countdown ...

30 in 30: Happiness

What does it mean?

Happy Boxing Day ...

The Chris White Challenge 2006

Starting in May 2006, I asked blog readers to start e-mailing topics to me -- any subject they'd like to hear jokes about. When I accepted a challenge, I gave myself a two-week time limit (usually observed) to write, edit and perform a 4-minute routine on the subject and then post it online. Before the year was over, I completed 9 videos; you can watch them all below.

I'm happy to report that many of the jokes written have found their way into my regular rotation, and I owe it all to the great readers who sent along these ideas. It's nice to get a creative push every now and then. Thanks to all those who participated, and keep sending your suggestions to chris@dcstandup.com in the new year!

9: Cars (11/21/06)

Well, this one officially kicked my ass. It's a month late. I had jokes written within the first week, but I never got around to testing them ... I had a bunch of gigs, but none that were "new material" friendly. Eventually I started getting kicked in the teeth with some writing projects, so that slowed me down even more. Not to meniton the struggle of finding something original or fresh to say about cars or driving, some of the most heavily covered comedian topics.

But you be the judge! Thanks to Don Marcogliese of Boston for the suggestion.

8: Body Hair (9/3/06)

Because my adoring public demanded it, here's five minutes of stand-up on moustaches, beards, eyebrows, leg hair and chest hair. I know that when you hear "body hair" you're probably expecting something south of the border (*cough*) but it would be pretty hard to do something remotely original in that department. Not that anything else here is earth-shattering, but I'm still happy with it. Thanks to the excellent crowds at Helium. Send your challenge subjects to chris@dcstandup.com, and of course we'll announce topic #9 in a few days.

7: Ancient Sumeria (8/8/06)

When I started with open mics, I wrote new jokes every performance for the first six months. Every word out of my mouth was untested. Practice does make perfect, but honestly, I enjoyed keeping it fresh. The Chris White Challenge was devised in part as a way to get back to those roots.

So, in the true spirit of my four-year anniversary, here's five completely raw minutes on Ancient Sumeria. No tune-up shows, no rewrites ... just jokes being thrown at a wall to see what sticks.

The subject was suggested by my brother Dave, in the spirit of being a royal pain in the ass and fishing for a nasty topic. Not since "Eating Babies" has the Challenge seen such villany. But his birthday is coming up, so he gets what he wants, i.e. five minutes of jokes about cuneiform, Gilgamesh, ziggurats and the Fertile Crescent. Enjoy, kind sir. The performance was August 7, at the open mic at Soho Tea and Coffee in DC.

6: Carpentry (7/25/06)

After the epic struggle of "Camping," I decided to crank out Challenge #6 in a hurry. The topic was "carpentry," as suggested by Kara McNulty of Cherry Hill, NJ. The performances are at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak, Michigan, and they took place on July 21-22.

This was kind of amusing to work on. I have no practical skills whatsoever, so I had to think outside of the handmade wooden box on a few occasions. As with most of these challenges, there are a few keepers in here, and a few things that will sit in the notebook forever until I figure them out ...

5: Camping (7/13/06)

We're finally through with the latest Chris White challenge! This one was a bit of a struggle, logistically. I had material ready to go, but I basically took a week off from comedy to go to a wedding and visit family. I taped a show Tuesday at Nanny O'Briens, but due to sound issues the tape was unusable, so I decided to warm up the crowd at Comedy Kumite IX with some camping jokes. Unfortunately, it's a HUGE showroom, and I didn't want to sit my camera all the way at the back, so it was actually BEHIND me, and the mic is too far away from the audience to get a solid pickup. I thought about waiting another week, but you know what? That's not in the spirit of the Chris White challenge. You can hear the jokes, so judge for yourself.

A few keepers in here ... thanks to Amy Sullivan for the fine suggestion.

4: Going to the Zoo (6/19/06)

Because I am a man of my word, and a man of ample free time, here is the video for the fourth Chris White Challenge. The subject is "Going to the Zoo," and it was offered by Bethany Medeiros of Boston, Mass. Performances were 6/17 at the Hyatt in Bethesda, Md., and 6/18 at Staccato Lounge in Adams Morgan, DC. Crowd was about 70 people on Saturday and 25 people on Sunday.

This challenge was (cough cough) a beast. There's a lot of stuff you can write about zoos, whether it's personal stories about going with friends, or the amazing things the animals can do, or those damn hateful pandas. I got the chance to try these jokes out a few times before taping, and the results were all over the map. From joke to joke, each audience seemed to have its own agenda. I guess that's why it's called a challenge, huh?

Anyhow, there are a few keepers in here, plus I have a list of things I wanted to try out but couldn't get to. No matter what you think, you can't deny it's four minutes of standup. Enjoy!

3: Body Piercing (6/2/06)

Brothers and sisters, the pride is back: behold the results of Chris White Challenge #3. The subject is "body piercing," as suggested by Mumi Hemrajani of Washington, DC. The performance was on June 1, 2006, at the fabulous Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. If you're within a 500,000 mile radius, check out that club. It's snazzy.

My team of 23 personal assistants currently is sifting through submissions for challenge #4, so it's not too late to throw your own challenge into the ring. Go ahead, I like it rough.

2: Eating Babies (5/22/06)

It came a day or two after my self-imposed deadline, but here's four minutes of material about EATING BABIES. The whole video is five minutes long; however, the first minute is an old joke that I just used to get into the subject. Love it or hate it, you can't deny that it's four original minutes of stand-up.

This video was recorded on May 21 at The Comedy Spot in front of an audience of ... five people. Specifically, the students from the stand-up comedy class I've been teaching. Thanks to Joey, Jake, Cory, Pam and Jonathan for indulging me ... and by the way, if you'd like to see them perform, stop on by the Spot on June 4 (Sunday) at 8 p.m. They'll all be on the bill for our class graduation show, and it should be a VERY good time.

Because I was a day or two late on this, Chris Brucia can have a free CD if he wants it. I'm guessing he's put up with enough of my crap over the years to want 45 minutes of it sent to his mailbox.

1: Boy Scouts (5/6/06)

The first ever Chris White Challenge is in the books. It came from Don Marcogliese of Boston, and his chosen subject was .... BOY SCOUTS. Dramatic, huh?

The video clip below was recorded in Indianapolis on May 4, 2006; whether it's good or bad is up to you, but it's definitely four minutes of stand-up about the Boy Scouts.