1. I'm going to get famous. The stars have not specified if I will do this through comedy, or by trying to stab an elected official with a hot dog. They are sure it's one of those two things, but they won't say any more. They're fickle, those stars.
2. I'm going to lose 15 pounds. If I have not lost this weight by Dec. 31, I am going to start cutting off body parts until I hit my target for 2008.
3. The Phillies will win the World Series.
You heard it here first.
Movie Review: Happy Feet
George Miller has made: "Mad Max," "The Road Warrior," "Babe: Pig in the City," and now "Happy Feet." When he goes, he will have a very interesting obituary. Animal lovers in bondage gear will flock to his gravesite.
This was the best animated movie about penguins that I saw in 2006. Hands down. I think the moral is that people shouldn't eat fish, and who can argue with that? No one. Because fish are disgusting.
Movie Review: Curse of the Golden Flower
According to the good people at the Regal Cinema at Gallery Place, the best way to watch an epic costume drama is slightly out of focus. Apparently all of the bright colors and fine details in would give you a migraine, so it's best to make things look blurry and indistinct.
You might go complain about this during the previews, but don't worry ... they know what's best and absolutely will not try to fix the problem at all, for your own good. And don't worry, no one else from the packed theater will be dumb enough to go talk to one of the ushers, they'll just sit there and watch their $10 circle the toilet.
I am not bitter.
As for the movie, it was a little bit boring and pointless, with not enough brutal violence. I also really wanted a rah-rah Communist message to send me home happy, but alas, none. There are Chinese ninjas though, so we'll give it four stars out of five.
In honor of my recent birthday, I'm answering kids' questions about the unfathomable mysteries of time. Never mind that the kids sound like me through a computer filter. It's just an amazing coincidence.
It's well-established scientific fact that famous people must die in threes. Unfortunately, when these natural laws were established in 1583, there weren't as many famous people. Now roughly 89 percent of the population is famous, and we also learn about deaths at a much faster rate, since it is no longer necessary to tie the deceased to the back of a horse cart and drag them through every town square as proof of their demise.
Because technology has outraced societal development, more rules are needed: from now on, Death Trios must consist of people from the same line of work. For example, Saddam Hussein would no longer go with James Brown and Gerald Ford. He gets lumped with Pinochet and that guy from Turkmenistan who named months after himself. Peter Boyle now goes with James Brown and a yet-to-be-named entertainer. This way, Saddam Hussein's body of work will not be denigrated by association with "Everybody Loves Raymond."
Also, the window for each death trio is 90 days, starting with the first death. Once completed, a U.N.-appointed high commander will certify the death trio, cementing it into popular culture for all time. If a window closes before certification, U.N. peacekeepers must, within five days, execute enough famous people to complete the group, as chosen by the U.N. General Assembly.
This movie features: an embittered cat-owning woman; a 37-year-old woman sleeping with a 15-year-old boy; and British self-loathing. It's a talking chimpanzee shy of being the greatest movie ever made.
I think I would make an excellent British person, because I often have trouble with confrontation and I think it's fun to be mean with words. If anyone knows of some way to apply for dual citizenship based on this, please let me know. I speak the language fairly well and I'm sure I could pass an entry-level European history test. I'm not a fan of soccer and English beer tastes like liquid boot leather but that's the price you pay.
Anyhow, it's a very well-acted film and it'll probablly win an Oscar, mostly likely Best Movie Featuring Judi Dench. Tough break for "Casino Royale," but the lady likes to work. Either she loves the craft or she has to feed a gambling addiction; whatever it is she's motivated.
Story: a teacher sleeps with her student. Another teacher finds out and uses the knowledge to her own (mildly disturbing) ends. It gets freaky, and lends itself to the excellent post-movie conversation, "Which teachers at your school were doing students?" At my school it was the female choir director, and also, because I went to public school, by law at least one male gym teacher has to be humping a minor at all times.
Male teachers jonesing for young girls I can understand; the brain is hard-wired that way, plus the fashion industry (oddly run by women and gay men) has decided that it's really "empowering" for teenage girls to dress like Thai sex workers. Why any female teacher would find a 15-year-old appealing is beyond me. Wow, a guy with no money, no job, crappy education and zero sexual experience? If you like danger that much, type those criteria into Match.com and e-mail every potential suitor to meet you on the same night at 3 a.m. in a Denny's parking lot. You'll get a good story out of it that might not end in a prison sentence.
Probably my favorite part of this movie is that Judi Dench keeps a diary, and if she has a good day, she puts gold star stickers on the page. I would like to follow in her footsteps, and for the rest of this week, if I have a good day, I will put a black star at the end of my post. Today, Rudy Ray Moore in "Avenging Disco Godfather." Put cha weight on it!
No matter where you go, you're walking over the decaying remains of SOMETHING. But how often do you get to know the stories behind the putrified corpses buried beneath your feet? Maybe if we took the time ... (blah blah blah, long condescending paragraph about tolerance that makes me sound like a judgemental prick). This fast forward brought to you by today's black star ... CHARLES MINGUS!
I visited Richmond's Hollywood Cemetery today, something I probably should have done during my four years at the University of Richmond but never got around to. That list also includes:
Seeing a Richmond Braves game.
Taking the Philip Morris tour, which is a lot like the Wonka factory but all the Oompa-Loompas have softball-size tumors on their lungs.
Developing the social and job skills that would have made me a multi-millionaire industrialist by the age of 30 so that I could retire and spend the rest of my life devoted to philanthropy and sexing up hot Italian widows on the deck of my 90-foot yacht, the Steveland Morris.
But hey, hindsight is 20/20. Hollywood is right near downtown, overlooking the James River. And it should be surrounded by velvet ropes, because it's A-list:
James Monroe. He was originally buried in New York, but in 1858 his remains were moved to Richmond, which must have been a great and horrifically disturbing honor for some lucky man. How often do you get to take the zombified corpse of a Founding Father on a field trip? We can only hope it was something like "Weekend at Bernie's." What can you say about the man? Governor of Virginia, fifth president of the United States, he has his own Doctrine. He's the guy holding the flag in "Washington Crossing the Delaware." His time in the White House was the "Era of Good Feelings" -- just like the Clinton years. (Thank you! Try the prime rib! I'm here all week!) His grave is pretty simple, except it's surrounded by a big black wrought-iron birdcage, which keeps his zombie in. And it's a good thing that Zombie Monroe can't escape, because he's probably very pissed that his view of the river is now blocked by ...
John Tyler. He actually wanted to be buried at Sherwood Forest, but the Union was sort of occupying it at the time, which would have made services awkward. You know, like when grandpa's mistress shows up at the church and has it out with grandma. Not a good way to say goodbye. Tyler died in Richmond in 1862 as a member of the Confederate Congress, and his reward is that he gets a big honkin' grave marker about 15 feet away from Monroe. Folks, 4.7 percent of U.S. presidents are buried within 20 feet of each other. If you plant a tree on that hill, instead of leaves, the tree has bald eagles. No lie.
Jefferson Davis. The president of the Confederacy actually has the nicest spread in Hollywood, closer down to the river and set apart from the other graves. He has a statue, a flagpole with some kind of Confederate flag flying high ... and while it may depress you that a staunch supporter of slavery has such a pleasant resting place, you should also know that it's the easiest grave in Hollywood to spot, drive to and then spit on. Everbody wins. Also fun: the Davis statue is staring straight at a grave marker that says "Grant." No relation to U.S. Grant, but still, hooray irony.
George Pickett, the poster boy for staffing it out. July 5, 1863, Lee orders Pickett to march troops slowly across a one-mile field toward a fortified Union line, complete with battery. Hundreds die, the Confederates can't break the Union line, they lose the battle of Gettysburg and start the downward spiral toward Appomattox. They don't call it "Lee's Horrible Plan." They call it "Pickett's Charge." The moral of the story: staff it out. The Duke boys didn't drive around in the General Pickett. Also, did you know that Pickett was last in his class (of 59) at West Point? I learned that in high school. Maybe he had a huge johnson, or was a great pastry chef. But you only get flattering trivia if you're a winner.
J.E.B. Stuart. A master in the use of offensive and reconaissance cavalry. Lee's eqivalent of a spy satellite. This was a cool grave to see, but honestly, I was mostly interested because I had him confused with Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Confederate cavalry commander who went on to be the first leader of the KKK. I really want to know what kind of things get left on a gravesite when you're the first Grand Wizard. Pillowcases over the tombstone? Who knows. He's buried in Memphis.
A few months ago I was asked to come up with some ideas for "webisodes" to be pitched to the History Channel. Nothing stuck to the wall, but I liked a few of the ideas and even had written a script for one of them.
The show would be called "Tangents" and would basically be a quick, six-degrees-of-separation trip through history, with minor details and factoids linking to the next seemingly unrelated subject. The fun would be in trying to find the most bizarre path between two subjects, or seeing if you could get back to the starting point.
Here's the episode that I wrote. It takes you from the top of the Washington Monument to the bottom, the long way around. It's not hilarious in the traditional sense, but it's fun ... well, you be the judge.
On Third and Long, Philadelphia Eagles Defensive Coordinator Jim Johnson Dials Up "Exotic" Blitz Packages
Exotic Zone LB Stunt
Facing a three wide-receiver set, the defense sets up in a nickel package with cornerbacks slightly off the line and safety Brian Dawkins deep. Linebacker Omar Gaither feints toward the line of scrimmage during the snap count, then backpedals into zone coverage, anticipating a crossing pattern to the slot receiver near the first-down marker. Tackles Darwin Walker and Mike Patterson run a twist, while left defensive end Trent Cole pushes his man toward the sideline. Nickelback Shawn Barber retreats five yards, slides into the lane created by Cole and begins the sensuous Dance of the Seven Veils. The quarterback, stunned by the surreal balance between indomitable control and pulsating chaos evident in Barber's satiny motion, suddenly questions how civilized we really are; how man is, in his basest impulse, no more than a frenzied animal lusting for survival. As waves of sobriety and panic wash alternately across the quarterback's mind, Roderick Hood rushes off the corner and hits him in the sternum with his helmet.
Exotic Safety Bite
Empty backfield, four wide-receiver set; the Eagles show dime package. Brian Dawkins again sets up to assist on deep passes; all four cornerbacks play tight to the line and jam receivers to slow the development of the play. Right defensive end Darren Howard guards against a screen by drifting back into coverage while the remaining linemen mount a standard pass rush. Meanwhile on the sideline, RB/KR Reno Mahe prepares a wedding feast from his ancestral homeland, Tonga. Backup quarterback A.J. Feeley uses large misting fans to direct the mouth-watering odors of suckling pig, fresh coconut, baked yams and cool, refreshing 'otai toward the line of scrimmage. Like Proust's madeleine, the scents transport offensive linemen and the blocking tight end back to happier times -- the tropical honeymoons and stolen moments with loved ones, the carefree days lounging in the sun, before the ravages of wealth and painkillers drove invisible, undeniable wedges between two hearts -- and they neither see nor block safety Mike Lewis as he runs full speed into the backfield.
Exotic Force Fire All-Out
Early in the game, the elusive and speedy running back Brian Westbrook contaminates the rival team's Gatorade and water supplies with Costa Rican rodent urine, infecting them with leptospirosis. As nausea, diarrhea and cramping weaken the opposing offense in the second half, the Eagles switch to a 3-4 base and rush all four linebackers.
Exotic LB Slam Middle
Against a two tight-end set, the Eagles send in their 4-3 defense, but left defensive end Trent Cole is replaced with Zi Chi, a giant panda wearing an Eagle-green silk dressing gown. Suddenly concerned over the ethics of attempting to pancake-block an endangered species and the best way to grip a silk gown, offensive linemen lose track of linebacker Jeremiah "The Axeman" Trotter, who rides directly up the middle in a basket on the back of an armored African elephant.
Polls indicate that 70 percent of Americans are opposed to President Bush's new plans for a troop surge in Iraq, doubting that it will make victory there more likely.
Polls also indicate that only 42 percent of Americans watched the speech, and that 47 percent of those who watched support Bush's plan.
Polls also also indicate that of the 42 percent who watched, 78 percent were actually hoping to tune in to "Deal or No Deal."
Furthermore, polls also also also indicate that 64 percent of Americans think anyone who watches "Deal or No Deal" is a moron, even though they secretly have seen 80 percent of the broadcasts.
Asked for a definition and timetable for "victory" in Iraq, 62 percent of those polled said "Howie Mandel sort of freaks me out but I guess that fist bumping thing is cool. Wait, he does that because he's a germophobe? Is that why he shaves his head, too? Because I always thought that thing where he inflated a rubber glove with his nostrils turned him bald."
Polls show that 80 percent of Americans have little to no understanding of international relations or the composition and funding of the Iraqi insurgency and often look at a Sunday newspaper as "the thing that's wrapped around the new issue of Parade."
Polls clearly demonstrate that 83 percent of Americans are willing to change their opinions to match prevailing attitudes as expressed in polls. This was up from 73 percent in a previous poll.
Polls show that 100 percent of Americans are skeptical about polls that show their beliefs to be in the minority, while they have utmost confidence in the accuracy of polls that show their side "winning."
Polls indicate that 62 percent of Americans lie when polled.
Spike TV
A few days late, but it needs to be said: The "crystal football" BCS trophy is very ugly; it may be the worst trophy in sports. It looks like some horrible thing your grandmother would have on her dining room table that she is totally proud of because she bought it on her one trip to Europe in the early 1970s, even though she got it from a Eastern European street vendor who fled the Communists and also sold sausages to make ends meet.
I think what we all want is for the winning quarterback, in the thrill of the moment, to spike the trophy and just obliterate it. Then everyone on the team could take a shard, make it into a locket and have a special keepsake. We can do it all at "Things Remembered" for about $35 a pop, $50 with engraving. Let's go.
UPDATE! (2:53 p.m.): My brother Dave writes, "The BCS crystal football is pretty bad, but the worst ever? Clearly you have forgotten about the World Cup. It looks like one of those pewter dragons claws clutching a crystal ball that used to be behind the counter at Wicks 'n' Sticks."
A daring and stunning film that combines elements of fantasy and horror to let us know, beyond any doubt, that fascists are dicks.
It's 1944 in post-civil-war Spain. Franco has won, but there are pockets of rebels in the mountains. A widow is forced to mary a fascist army captain in order to provide for her pre-teen daughter; she's also pregant with the captain's baby. They all move to the mountains, where the captain is in charge of hunting down the rebels.
The girl has an active imagination and she hates her stepdad (hey, he's a fascist), so she starts constructing a fantasy world where she's actually the daughter of the emperor of the underworld. The entrance to the underworld is conveniently in an old maze near the mill where the captain and family live. If she completes a series of magic tasks (she has a big faun as her tour guide), she can re-enter the underworld and live forever.
It's a pretty movie, and original. But it's not quite the artistic achievement I was expecting from the hype (it's 97 percent fresh over at rottentomatoes.com). They call it "magical realism" because the director is Mexican and that's what most critics learned about Hispanic storytelling at their liberal arts colleges. But there's not much tension as to whether what you're seeing is imagined or real. There's nothing really all that uplifting or poignant about conquering adversity. It's more sad than anything.
And there's definitely nothing new here about fascists. I don't really want complex or ethically nuanced portrayals of mass murderers, but the movie would be slightly more interesting if the captain was anything more than a cartoon character who happens to enjoy shooting people in the head.
Anyhow, it'll probably get nominated for something or other.
McSweeney's
I got something printed over at McSweeeny's today. It's about football.
Fly Eagles Fly ... Into High Tension Power Lines
Football season is now over. Good effort for the Eagles, but again some total mysteries with the play calling. Late in the game, 4th and 10, down by three, they go for it. Completion over the middle, erased on a false start. 4th and 15, they punt. HUH? Why do you NOT go for it on 4th and 15? Yeah, they're going to play you deep, but you have the best big-play offense in football. THERE IS NO TOMORROW. This is not as bad as the offense slowly walking down the field in the Super Bowl loss to the Patriots in the fourth quarter as though they were up by two scores instead of down by two scores. I should coach the Eagles. I think after five or six 2-14 seasons I would hit my stride. I'm willing to play lots of video football to prepare. Jeff Lurie: call me.
But every cloud has a silver lining! Now that the Eagles are done, I can finally give the Flyers and Sixers my full attention and ... oh ... oh my god ... no! WHY! WHY! AUUUUGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
What I meant to say is, pitchers and catchers report in February! How about that Freddy Garcia?
CHEERS! to "Mythbusters." I am starting the rumor that I am gay, and I would like Kerri to bust it. Let's make it happen.
CHEERS! to "24." Because it's the best depiction of government bureaucracy ever made. A bunch of people work in a vitally important office, they are HORRIBLE as a team and let personal quibbles get in the way of national security but no one seems to get fired year to year. They actually need the occasional in-office terrorist attack to clear out a few GS-15s.
JEERS! to "American Idol" early round shows. What used to be novel is now predatory and mean. Not as bad as "Last Comic Standing," where the entire house is picked before auditions start. Also not "Borat" mean, because they volunteer to enter the contest. But still mean.
JEERS! to Rachel Ray. They timed the start of her talkshow with the metabolic changes that will take her from "cute" to "disturbingly stocky."
CHEERS! to "Wings." USA was a better network when 90 percent of its schedule was "Wings." Antonio plus Lowell equals magic.
JEERS! to talking head shows on VH1, E! or any other cable network. They are pointless and degrading to the comedians involved and the audiences that watch. This will become a CHEER if I am asked to do one.
Who Runs This Place?
Martin O'Malley was sworn in as governor of Maryland yesterday, but the signs as you cross the Maryland border already have his name. So I guess he gets stuff done?
Why do we waste any tax money changing governor names on state signs? I have never driven into a state, had something bad happen and then said, "I want to talk to the governor!" and then had someone say, "Do you know his name, so we can look in the phone book?" and then I said "I'm sorry, I'm not from here, never mind."
It's a far cry from building 50-foot statues of yourself on top of the state capitol, but come on, you're the governor. Get over yourself.
There's a show on Discovery called "Futureweapons" about the neat things we're building to kill people EXTRA dead in the 21st Century. Yes, you can kill a guy with an assault rifle, but that leaves his body behind as the raw material for a zombie army. If you want to stop the ravenous undead hordes before they start, you'll need a device that cuts a guy into 10 pieces, then automatically packages the pieces up, calls UPS and has each piece shipped to a different country by delivery men wearing blindfolds. You'll be happy to know that technology is now up to 7 pieces with some breakthroughs on the horizon.
The best reason to watch is the host, because loves his job too much. Judging from the tone of his voiceovers and his facial expressions, he's doing every show with a non-stop erection. Since he's handling guns for most of each episode and he also has a shaved head, by the end of the show you're expecting him to invite you down to his basement if you're cool enough to keep a secret. Don't go. It's a one-way trip. I'm watching right now and he just said "I wanna see how far I can push it" in a way that you usually only hear in the back of a white conversion van.
AWESOME.
BONUS GRAF! The host is an ex-Navy SEAL. He is not the best Navy SEAL on TV though. That honor goes to Mitch Buchanan. Yes, Hasselhoff's "Baywatch" character was a former SEAL. When I was in college I used to stay up till 2 each morning to watch Baywatch, and you know what? I REGRET NOTHING. I do regret watching two episodes of "Baywatch Nights." Remember that show? Mitch Buchanan fought vampires. Great on paper, terrible in practice. Go figure. Also, I miss "VIP." Great show.
I am a sad man.
Sheetz to the Win
I got a meatball sub last night at a Sheetz because I am on a health kick. As part of that kick I also got some Reese's peanutbutter eggs, because Easter is only three months away and I feel that is a good way to honor our Savior. As I was purchasing these items, the lady at the register said, "I don't want to put the eggs in the bag with the hot sub, because they'll melt." I am not lying when I say the excellent customer service made my whole day.
Sheetz lady, you are what this world needs more of. God bless you. Get out of Sheetz and run for Congress.
President Bush mentions climate change in the State of the Union, and three days later, we've already beaten global warming. Say what you want about the man, but he gets results.
Wilson Fill-Ups
In the history of two-term American presidents who embarked on bold and difficult programs of international democratization only to get stinging rebukes from a narrow-minded Congress, and also dressed like The Penguin, Woodrow Wilson is undeniably the first!
You can learn all about it at the Woodrow Wilson Presidential Library in Staunton, Va., which is Wilson's birthplace and home through the ripe old age of one. It's somewhere between a full-fledged historical site and "George Washington Slept Here"; think "Woodrow Wilson Puked Up Baby Carrots Here."
Son of Presbyterian minister, he grew up in the post-Civil War South, went to Princeton, got a law degree from U.Va., and a doctorate in polysci from The Johns Hopkins. He taught a bunch, wrote books, and became president of Princeton; ran for governor of New Jersey and two years after winning that was nominated for the Presidency. He beat a sitting president (Taft) and a former president (Roosevelt) in 1912 with only 42 percent of the popular vote, got re-elected in 1916, put U.S. troops in Europe to end World War I, tried to reorganize world order (14 Points) and basically killed himself through the intense effort to get the U.S. to join the League of Nations. (He had a huge stroke and actually kept it hidden from the public by going dark for about four months. Imagine trying that in the TV age.)
We like to think that 9/11 kicked off some of the most drastic changes in world history, but imagine what people went through during the Wilson era (1913-21): Women's suffrage. Prohibition. Military draft. World War I crushed Europe and the United States became the most powerful country in the world. The Bolsheviks took over Russia. The 8-hour work day. End to child labor. Automobiles started to become widespread. Spanish Flu. NUTS.
Thumbs up for the museum. They have some very cool relics (like his car) and some informative displays. The site also include "The Manse," where the Wilson family lived. Funny moment: the excellent tour guide points to the bed in the parents' room (the original, not a replica) and says "This is where it all began." She meant birth; I was thinking conception. When I asked she laughed and said "probably both." Kudos to you, lady. You're a pro.
But on to what you're paying for ... FUN WILSON FACTS!
Shares a birthday (Dec. 28) with notable American Chris White.
Born Thomas Woodrow Wilson. He went by "Tommy" until finally deciding as a young man to drop his first name altogther, because "Woodrow" is far better for meeting chicks.
Was probably dyslexic and couldn't read until age 12, but went on to write several hugely popular textbooks, including "A Ihstoyr Fo Ongcress."
As a youth was in love with his first cousin Hattie; his family rented slaves and he was a racist in favor of segregation. And he was STILL president. Dare to dream, toothless inbred hill kids!
The only president to have an earned doctorate, which is why he insisted on being called DOCTOR President.
Loved cars but never learned to drive. To honor Princeton, his Pierce-Arrow had an orange racing stripe, and also was kind of a prick.
Though he passed the bar, he did not enjoy the practice of law, as it was nothing at all like "Ally McBeal."
One of his 1912 campaign songs was "Sit Down and Rock It Out With Me," which was far more popular than Taft's "Let's Have Four Hot Sandwiches With Extra Mayo and Discuss Policy, Shall We?"
Canceled his inaugural ball in 1912 because he didn't want to waste government money, thereby opening himself to four years of "Wilson has no balls" jokes.
Resisted women's suffrage. BUT NOT HARD ENOUGH.
During World War I, to emphasize national sacrifice, Wilson bought sheep to graze the White House lawn, replacing the standard lawnmowers powered by the souls of orphans.
An avid Washington Senators fan, as they were the one group of senators that didn't drive him to a crippling stroke.
His Fifteen Points plan for world peace was cut to Fourteen Points when "International Sloppy Joe Tuesdays" didn't focus group well.
The first ever remote radio broadcast was live from his S St. home in DC, and was mostly battle rapping.
Regularly visited Keith's Vaudeville Theater in D.C. "I like the theater ... especially a good vaudeville show when I am seeking perfect relaxation; for a good vaudeville show is different from a play ... if there is a bad act at a vaudeville show you can rest reasonably secure that the next one will not be so bad; but from a bad play there is no escape." Heh.
Though the Senate rejected U.S. entry to the League of Nations, Wilson won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts, and the organization prevented world war for an astonishing 20 years.
The only president buried in Washington, D.C., unless you count that one time Gerald Ford fell down a well.
The Chris White Challenge 2007 is now OPEN FOR BUSINESS. We had great success in 2006, with 9 total challenges yielding all kinds of phenomenally awe-inspiring jokes. Thanks for those who made great suggestions, and apologies to anyone I missed.
If you're new to this, here's how it works: you give me a topic, and within a time limit I must write, perform, videotape and post at least 4 minutes of jokes on that topic. Last year I did subjects as generic as "cars" and as specific as "Ancient Sumeria." So don't be bashful. In 2007 we hope to do one challenge per month, starting with February.
We're starting clean and accepting all topics ... NOW! E-mail your suggestions to chris@dcstandup.com.
Movie Review: The Animation Show 3
Eh.
Photo Finish
Well, Barbaro is dead, and I think I speak for America when I say FINALLY.
My brother Steve steps up to the plate with challenge #1 for 2007: Pet Names. Which can mean the names of pets, or terms of endearment. This is going to be brutal.
You might ask: do you have to be related to Chris White to have your challenge accepted? Answer: It doesn't hurt, but of course not. Please send your ideas to chris@dcstandup.com.
I Am the Greatest
Well, it took a few months to review the evidence, but I finally decided today that I am the greatest comedian who ever lived, ever. Apologies to all those who wallow below me in the muck of near-greatness. Your only flaw was being born in the same generation as me. You're like Charles Barkley that way, and I consider that good company.
Biden His Time
Joe Biden is now in the 2008 race. If Joe Biden wins, we have big problems, because it means that all the other candidates have somehow died in a smallpox epidemic.
It's a great country we live in where anyone CAN be president, but I think most of us realize after a certain point that we WON'T be president. I remember it clearly. I was in a Denny's bathroom at the time.
Legal Stuff: If you have questions about this Web site, why? You should spend your time questioning the moral nature of any god who would let Chris White exist. But anyhow ... copyright 2009, Chris White Sucks Inc.
James Monroe. He was originally buried in New York, but in 1858 his remains were moved to Richmond, which must have been a great and horrifically disturbing honor for some lucky man. How often do you get to take the zombified corpse of a Founding Father on a field trip? We can only hope it was something like "Weekend at Bernie's." What can you say about the man? Governor of Virginia, fifth president of the United States, he has his own Doctrine. He's the guy holding the flag in "Washington Crossing the Delaware." His time in the White House was the "Era of Good Feelings" -- just like the Clinton years. (Thank you! Try the prime rib! I'm here all week!) His grave is pretty simple, except it's surrounded by a big black wrought-iron birdcage, which keeps his zombie in. And it's a good thing that Zombie Monroe can't escape, because he's probably very pissed that his view of the river is now blocked by ...
John Tyler. He actually wanted to be buried at 
Exotic Safety Bite
You can learn all about it at the 
August 2009: Jefferson.
Fall 2009: comic interviews on the podcast. 
