New Video - Lincoln: The Early Years

We add another president to the collection with this exciting video from the White History Project

Belated Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie

Go. It starts out like a freight train, slows down a lot and doesn't have enough of the townspeople, but it's very enjoyable. The movie is better by far than any of the recent seasons of the show.

Review of a Movie I Think I Might See: The Bourne Thing

I saw both of the earlier Bourne movies, but I cannot tell you what they were about, where they took place, who any of the characters are ... and everyone I've talked to this week has said the same thing. How are they on the third movie of this series when no one can remember the first two?

Ah well. I'm sure I'll end up in a movie theater later this week with no idea how I got there and no recollection of what ticket I bought, and then Matt Damon will appear on the screen ...

Actually, that would be a great plot for the fourth movie. (If it would be the fourth. There may be seven of eight of these and I'd have no idea, even if I had seen them all. You get the idea.)

Movie Review: Talk to Me

This is an excellent film based on hair alone. Most of the important characters have Afros, massive sideburns or both. Go see it.

It's about an ex-con who becomes a DJ and stand-up comedian in Washington, D.C. in the 1960s. Other than the DJ part, the ex-con part and the 1960s part, and also the being black part and the sideburns part, I can assure you that I have basically lived this movie and it is 100 percent true.

Don Cheadle is a delight.

Movie Review: Labyrinth

I saw two movies on Sunday, because I am a cool guy. The second was the re-release of 1986's "Labyrinth," starring Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie and David Bowie's codpiece.

I did not see this movie as a kid, and I think I would appreciate it more if I had. During the movie, I wanted to see the Jennifer Connelly character 20 years down the line working the booth at a Ren-fest. Her best romantic prospect would be a 350-pound guy in the blacksmithing booth. It would be great.

756

I watched Mike Schmidt's 500th home run on live television. The Phillies were in Pittsburgh, down 6-5 in the 9th, and Schmidt hit a 3-run bomb off Don Robinson to give the Phils the lead (and eventual win). Schmidt started running the bases and pumped his arms like he was having a seizure, or had just won a Little League game. You could just see how happy he was and it made you happy in turn.

I was up last night watching the live Nationals broadcast of Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run. I thought it would make me angry, but it was just unmoving. The second it's off the bat, he raises his arms, watches the ball for a few seconds, then circles the bases slowly and has a game-stopping ceremony. San Francisco loves this guy, but you never got the idea that he was really joyous over the occasion. He was smiling, he hugged his family ... but it was more like a man relieved to be done with it all. The whole thing was deflating.

It's sad, because if you're a baseball fan, you deserved more. I remember watching the Cal Ripken streak-breaking game and feeling excited -- even though I don't like the Orioles and I grew up not liking Cal Ripken all that much (they beat the Phillies in the 1983 World Series).

And forget huge records -- a few times, I've been watching games at a bar when they cut in to show you the last few innings of a potential no-hitter. That tension is absolutely amazing, even if it's a pitcher and a team I don't follow at all. I'll stop whatever conversation I'm having and focus on the game. You can expect about one no-hitter a year in baseball, but it's still a cool moment.

Forget live broadcasts, too. You can go to MLB.com and scan videos and radio broadcasts of some of the greatest moments in baseball history. Last night during the Bonds ceremony I watched Hank Aaron's 715th home run. He didn't make any crazy display of emotion, he just ran the bases with his head down. Then two random fans came flying across the field to pat him on the back as he rounded second. I've seen that video maybe 20 times before and it's still heart-warming every time.

But the Bonds home run was empty. He broke maybe the most famous record in sports, and instead of geeking out I changed the channel right after. Now the entire nation is the horrible, horrible position of having to root for Alex Rodriguez for the next 10 years.

San Francisco Treat

Watching the crowd celebrate, someone on the Nationals broadcast team (I think it was Don Sutton) said roughly this: "This is already a city where anything goes, and they're really going to be partying tonight."

I don't know what that means. Gay bondage orgies with baseball-themed ball gags? I think Don Sutton needs to clarify.

Great Lopsided Americans

Lincoln had a misshapen head. If you're in D.C., you can actually go see a cast of one of the lifemasks -- it's in the National Portrait Gallery, along with other photos and paintings of Abe. Neat stuff.

In a body-conscious society, I think it's nice that we have Lincolns and Kennedys for the troglodytic and sickly children of the world to look up to. USA!

Movie Review: The Bourne Ultimatum

I stand by everything I said in my earlier, speculative review. This was an enjoyable movie, though.

One thing I would like to know: how wide is the gap between movie surveillance and real-life surveillance? In this movie (and "24") they are pulling cell phone calls out of thin air; they have GPS tracking on about 72 people at once, they have access to any camera system they want -- all from one centralized command center. A guy barks orders to get teams to location X in 5 minutes, and kablammo, in 5 minutes 30 heavily-armed Eastern European-looking guys with two day stubble are at location X.

As with "24," I refuse to believe that any government operation could run this efficiently. But maybe that's what the government WANTS ME TO BELIEVE.

Dream Dream Dream

You may remember that a few months ago I had a musical dream -- I was starring in an original musical, and after performing the entire first half, I was approached by the director backstage and told that I was horribe. He then advised me, "You need to play this character like a guy who's had a LOT of sex." So, my brain created half a musical, then had me star in it, and then gave me a terrible review.

Last week, I had a dream that I was playing Skee-Ball, on two machines at once. Why on two machines? Apparently, that's how I roll. I was on some kind of hot streak, and the way the games were set up, as long as I kept hitting the 50 point hole with my last ball I would get an extra roll. On both machines, I was hitting 50s non-stop, to the point where my score was close to 2,500 on each machine. A worker at the arcade came over, switched off the machines and told me that I had won the maximum prize of $600 for each machine. I went to the prize counter, and they told me that most people go for the plasma TV -- and sure enough, just past the plastic spider rings and water guns was a giant plasma TV on the shelf. I asked instead for the cash, and they said that would be fine, provided I filled out some paperwork. Then, still in my dream, I filled out paperwork for about half an hour. And then I woke up.

Why, why, why why why, would I have this really neat thing happen, and then follow it with something excruciatingly boring? I do not remember most of my dreams. These are the only two that stand out over the last four months. This is sort of upsetting.

Let's Get Old Together

My girlfriend and I were at an outdoor screening of "Casablanca" on Monday, and people kept standing up to wave to their friends or talk on their cell phones, blocking the screen for minutes at time. I started asking (read "yelling at") people to sit down, and my girlfriend called me a "grandpa" for doing this.

To which I say: we should all be grandpas. Do you know why old people are grumpy and yell? Because, after 70 years of putting up with the rudeness of others, they realized that being quiet got them NOWHERE in life. So they make up for lost time in the last decades of their lives by yelling at everything. There is something fundmentally wrong with a society where you can ask a person on a cell phone to keep their conversation down, and then THEY yell at YOU for interrupting them. We need to turn things around by calling people on their jerk-like behavior at every turn.

Also, we should all carry canes to hit people in the shins as needed.

Submitted for Your Approval

I get in to the car in Washington at 7 a.m. Wednesday morning. At 8 a.m. I notice my glasses are broken -- the left lens is popping from the frame and can't be snapped back in. For the next 9 hours, I obsess over when I'll be able to get to a Lenscrafters during my road trip. (This is how you pass the time when you're driving 700 miles in a day.) Arriving at my Huntsville hotel, I find that I am not in the reservation system. I have been moved to another La Quinta down the road. Though initially annoyed at the move, I found that the new La Quinta ... is DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM A LENSCRAFTERS. My glasses were fixed within 5 minutes. And then there was a rainbow.

This proves there's a higher power, right? Somebody call the Pope and tell him he can have the rest of the day off.

Alabammy Bound!

I'm in Alabama for the first time!

Some observations:

1) When you drive over the state line on US-72, the sign says "Alabama the Beautiful." It looks like somebody bought an "America the Beautiful" sign and then just slapped "Alabama" over the top. I know this is a poor state, but you'd think they could afford an original slogan. I'm offering, for free, "Last in SAT scores, first in our hearts." You're welcome. That said, it is very pretty here. In northern 'bama, there's Birmingham, Huntsville, and that's it. They're leaving the rest economically undeveloped just in case someone decides they need to add more golf courses. A risky strategy in the information economy, but one I'm sure will eventually pay off.

2) The customer service here is beyond awesome. I live in D.C., where the below-rock-bottom standards can crush your spirit. You ask clerks for simple things and they stare at you like you just pulled them out of a coke orgy to plunge a toilet. Here, everyone has been friendly and pleasant.

This is not just a "Southern" thing -- there's lots of crappy hospitality in the South. So yay Alabama.

3) Last summer in Nashville, I met the guy from Skynyrd who wrote and recorded the guitar riff that opens "Sweet Home Alabama." This has nothing to do with my current trip. I'm just bragging.

Please help ...

What is the difference between the three new fits of women's jeans in the Old Navy ad? I think if you put three models in skin-tight jeans, then it's all the same fit, right?

Speaking of fashion, one thing I find funny when I travel in the South is rednecks who assume I'm gay (which they disapprove of) because of the way I dress, i.e. not in jeans with a sleeveless T-shirt. Ironically, in D.C., if you are wearing jeans with a sleeveless T-shirt, you probably are actually gay.

To the Moon

I went to Space Camp! Sadly, it was nothing like the movie "Space Camp."

But it was still cool. When I put Huntsville on my schedule I totally forgot that it's the home of the Marshall Space Flight Center. I was reminded by the replica Saturn V rocket you can see from I-565. That's the first rule of the publicity business: There is no better advertising than a 36-story phallic symbol with "USA" painted on the side.

I learned so much in my brief visit -- to the museum and the "rocket park" -- and here it is:

The history of the space program as indicated by my notes after running through a museum in one hour and not taking any notes.

1945: The U.S. Army launches "Operation Paperclip," a mission to keep top German scientists out of Soviet clutches by kidnapping them, bringing them to America and then trapping them with the ol' "keep-a-Kraut" baby. Thousands of busty candystripers sign up, but only the bustiest get the honor of sleeping with shriveled German geniuses. First among the Germans was Werner von Braun, designer of the V2 rocket which the Nazis used to thoughtfully gentrify London during the Battle of Britain.

1957: The USSR launches Sputnik, and with firm control of space established, divides the moon into a collectivized farm with 5-acre plots. Thousands of drunk peasants die in desperate attempts to reach the moon using homemade rockets. Those who survive are put in gulags for failing to reach their moon fruit quotas.

1958: NASA is formed, and millions of American schoolchildren are forced at gunpoint to learn multiplication tables at an advanced rate. The psychological damage of this process leads to complete mental breakdowns of an entire generation, as evidenced by the 1960s. The Marshall Space Flight Center is established in Huntsville, in part because it is already home to the Army's strategic missile command, but mostly because Alabama's economy closely mirrors that of space. Werner von Braun leads the effort to develop space-faring vehicles.

1960s: By modifying various military rockets, von Braun and his team shoot a series of living things into orbit, starting with a piece of celery, then moving on to a goldfish, a mouse, and a cockapoo in a jockey's costume. When the Soviets shoot a labradoodle into orbit, NASA dresses a very intelligent monkey as a human, names it John Glenn and hopes no one notices. It goes on to serve four terms in the Unites States Senate.

1963: The success of the Mercury program inspires the Venus program, in which John F. Kennedy is shot into space to marry the Queen of Venus and therefore keep that planet out the Soviet sphere of influence. Kennedy's death is faked to keep a frazzled public from learning the truly horrifying reality that our president was cheating on his wife with an 8-foot-tall lady in bondage gear with five eyes. And also the Queen of Venus.

1969: The Saturn V rocket pushes Apollo 11 all the way to the moon, where Neil Armstrong singlehandedly defeats 30,000 Russian space farmers, planting the American flag in the chest of Joseph Stalin Jr. A fake moon landing is filmed in a television studio in Huntsville, to soothe an American public that was still reeling from the cancelation of "The Andy Griffith Show."

1970: Tom Hanks orbits the moon.

1976: After Nixon greenlights the shuttle program, NASA builds the Enterprise to test atmospheric operations. It was originally supposed to be the "Constitution," but a write-in campaign by "Star Trek" fans leads to a name change. This is actually not a made-up fact.

1979: Space-based weaponry takes a step forward as Skylab smites our greatest enemy, Australia.

1980-present: Things happened, as detailed in displays I skipped in order to visit the gift shop. Mostly, they managed to shoot women into space, which was a big deal, because who's going to iron the spacesuits on one of those years-long trips to Mars?

Props

Honestly, I have new respect for astronauts. Especially the Mercury/Apollo guys. An Apollo dude would have been sitting in a tiny capsule stuck on top of a 36-story controlled explosion, anticipating a trip to SPACE, knowing that there's a great chance they'll never come home again if even one tiny detail goes wrong. If you could strap in to that seat, you had BALLS.

The whole rocket park is pretty awesome, but they have a V2 inside the museum. For some reason I also really thought the control ring for the Saturn V was fascinating. There are also a few command modules -- it's shocking to see how small they are.

The odd thing: I don't think the word "Nazi" was in there once. Von Braun seems to be pretty legit -- a lot of the German rocket scientists became U.S. citizens and were primarily working for the German military because they had no choice. But how do you not say "Nazi" even once in the whole museum? Maybe I missed it.

The Man in Manifest Destiny

I like a man who keeps his promises! I like JAMES K. POLK!

The good folks at the Polk ancestral home bill Jimmy the K as the only president to fulfill all his campaign promises:

1) Annexation of Texas

2) Acquisition of the Oregon Territory

3) Never faking the funk on a nasty dunk

4) Capturing California as a homeland for the nation's beautiful people

Polk basically doubled the size of the country under the banner of Manifest Destiny, the charming 19th century belief that God really wanted the United States to cover all of North America. Why would God want this? The same reason that he hated Indian tribes: he's arbitrary. No one campaigns on platforms this enjoyable anymore, and that is why the present is boring.

Polk was the oldest of 10 children of North Carolina farmer/surveyor. Dad moved the clan to Tennessee when James was 10. He was a sickly kid -- he had bad problems with urinary stones until the age of 17, when they were removed by a Kentucky surgeon during a procedure that involved no anesthesia -- and so he didn't do much farming, and ends up going the bookish route. He went to UNC for a few years, read law in Nashville and then became a lawyer in Columbia, where his family had settled.

At 27 he gets elected to the Tennessee Legislature, then at 29 he bounces over to the U.S. House of Representatives. After 14 years there (including 4 as Speaker) he goes home, gets elected governor for a term, and then proceeds to lose that job to a Whig. But he stays tight with fellow Tennessean and Democrat Andrew Jackson, who backdoors him into the presidential nomination in 1844, even though Polk had been out of office for a few years. Next thing you know, he's President, and after four years, America is twice as big. All thanks to urinary stones.

You can learn all about the good times at the ancestral home -- I went last week. It's not really Polk's house as much as the place he would have crashed when he was home on Spring Break (Florida wasn't a state back then). But it's the only surviving Polk residence other than the White House, so it gets to be the museum. In lieu of having an actual Polk house, they filled the ancestral home with all of his surviving furniture, plus there's a cute museum in the house next door which has some personal effects. It's all a touch underwhelming for a guy who was probably in the presidential top 10 as far as historical importance, but it ain't bad for what it is.

So ... anyone up for some FUN POLK FACTS?

• Though he came from a huge family, Polk never had kids, possibly as a side-effect of his surgery. But he named his urinary stones Ephraim and Philip, and appointed them assistant secretaries of State.
• The youngest president ever at his election (49), Polk had the shortest retirement, dying just 103 days after leaving office. It's widely believed that he worked himself to death, although it's also possible that the heavens were punishing him for growing a mullet.
• The only Speaker of the House to eventually become President.
• The first American postage stamps were issued under Polk. After a public vote, it was decided to go with the "young" Ben Franklin stamp, instead of the "fat syphilitic" Franklin design.
• Referred to as the first "dark horse" president, given his relatively low national profile. Whigs used the campaign slogan "Who is James K. Polk?" Democrats responded with "He's the guy bending Henry Clay over the front of his carriage."
• Polk's vice president was George Dallas of Pennsylvania. He was instrumental in arranging the annexation of Texas, and the city of Dallas is named after the Philadelphian. So SUCK ON THAT, COWBOYS FANS!
• When negotiations to buy California broke down, Polk started the Mexcian-American war. After beating the Mexicans, the U.S. still agreed to pay $15,000,000 for the territory. But instead of investing, Mexico just blew the money on votive candles.
• For securing the Oregon Territory from the British, Polk was named High Times' Man of the Millennium.
• Polk was a Freemason and was present at the Masonic cornerstone ceremony that started the Washington Monument in 1848. And that's how we know that the Monument is actually an antenna to communicate with the alien overlords who actually run the government. Duh.

New Video: Boom-erang

This the second installment in the "Tangents" series. Starting with Mount Saint Helens, I take you on a trivia loop, leaving each subject via tangent. It's not really high comedy but it is strangely watchable. So enjoy! (And if you like this one go back and watch the Washington Monument episode.)

The Man in Manifest Destiny

I like a man who keeps his promises! I like JAMES K. POLK!

The good folks at the Polk ancestral home bill Jimmy the K as the only president to fulfill all his campaign promises:

1) Annexation of Texas, 2) Acquisition of the Oregon Territory, 3) Never faking the funk on a nasty dunk, 4) Capturing California as a homeland for the nation's beautiful people.

Polk basically doubled the size of the country under the banner of Manifest Destiny, the charming 19th century belief that God really wanted the United States to cover all of North America. Why would God want this? The same reason that he hated Indian tribes: he's arbitrary. No one campaigns on platforms this enjoyable anymore, and that is why the present is boring.

Polk was the oldest of 10 children of North Carolina farmer/surveyor. Dad moved the clan to Tennessee when James was 10. He was a sickly kid -- he had bad problems with urinary stones until the age of 17, when they were removed by a Kentucky surgeon during a procedure that involved no anesthesia -- and so he didn't do much farming, and ends up going the bookish route. He went to UNC for a few years, read law in Nashville and then became a lawyer in Columbia, where his family had settled.

At 27 he gets elected to the Tennessee Legislature, then at 29 he bounces over to the U.S. House of Representatives. After 14 years there (including 4 as Speaker) he goes home, gets elected governor for a term, and then proceeds to lose that job to a Whig. But he stays tight with fellow Tennessean and Democrat Andrew Jackson, who backdoors him into the presidential nomination in 1844, even though Polk had been out of office for a few years. Next thing you know, he's President, and after four years, America is twice as big. All thanks to urinary stones.

You can learn all about the good times at the ancestral home -- I went last week. It's not really Polk's house as much as the place he would have crashed when he was home on Spring Break (Florida wasn't a state back then). But it's the only surviving Polk residence other than the White House, so it gets to be the museum. In lieu of having an actual Polk house, they filled the ancestral home with all of his surviving furniture, plus there's a cute museum in the house next door which has some personal effects. It's all a touch underwhelming for a guy who was probably in the presidential top 10 as far as historical importance, but it ain't bad for what it is.

So ... anyone up for some FUN POLK FACTS?

• Though he came from a huge family, Polk never had kids, possibly as a side-effect of his surgery. But he named his urinary stones Ephraim and Philip, and appointed them assistant secretaries of State.
• The youngest president ever at his election (49), Polk had the shortest retirement, dying just 103 days after leaving office. It's widely believed that he worked himself to death, although it's also possible that the heavens were punishing him for growing a mullet.
• The only Speaker of the House to eventually become President.
• The first American postage stamps were issued under Polk. After a public vote, it was decided to go with the "young" Ben Franklin stamp, instead of the "fat syphilitic" Franklin design.
• Referred to as the first "dark horse" president, given his relatively low national profile. Whigs used the campaign slogan "Who is James K. Polk?" Democrats responded with "He's the guy bending Henry Clay over the front of his carriage."
• Polk's vice president was George Dallas of Pennsylvania. He was instrumental in arranging the annexation of Texas, and the city of Dallas is named after the Philadelphian. So SUCK ON THAT, COWBOYS FANS!
• When negotiations to buy California broke down, Polk started the Mexcian-American war. After beating the Mexicans, the U.S. still agreed to pay $15,000,000 for the territory. But instead of investing, Mexico just blew the money on votive candles.
• For securing the Oregon Territory from the British, Polk was named High Times' Man of the Millennium.
• Polk was a Freemason and was present at the Masonic cornerstone ceremony that started the Washington Monument in 1848. And that's how we know that the Monument is actually an antenna to communicate with the alien overlords who actually run the government. Duh.

James Monroe

Ten months after dropping out of school, most of us would be sitting in a basement drinking something fermented. 18-year-old James Monroe was busy getting shot by a foreigner in New Jersey. That's the kind of guy he was -- driven, civic-minded and with a great big chip on his shoulder. Also, they didn't have cable television or swank finished basements back then. That probably helped.

Monroe gets lost in the shuffle of the Founding Fathers, which would have pissed him off. Born in 1758 to a fairly well-off Virginia planter, Monroe was orphaned as a teenager, but his uncle arranged to get him into William and Mary at age 16 (which at the time was the AAA team for rich white people who were going to run the colony). But when the Revolution came, he ditched school and joined the Third Virigina serving under George Washington.

He was a professional friend to the stars -- he got shot at the Battle of Trenton in December 1776, and then served at Valley Forge in 1777, where he rubbed elbows with Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton, Washington ... When he was sent to Virginia to aid in recruitment, he ended up studying law under Governor Thomas Jefferson and buddied up with James Madison. And his life was almsot non-stop public service: House of Delegates, Confederation Congress, U.S. Senate, envoy to France, governor of Virgina. He negotiated the Louisiana Purchase for Jefferson, served as Secretary of State (and War, briefly) for Madison, and then got the nod as our Fifth President, ushering in what people called the "Era of Good Feelings" as he cleaned up the slop from the War of 1812 and asserted the supremacy of the United States in the Western Hemisphere (The Monore Doctrine). He goes down as one of the most accomplished diplomats in American history.

But with all that he seemed to have a bit of an inferiority complex; he wasn't top-tier Virginia society and it bugged him. He ran with the big dogs, but he was always chafing somebody the wrong way. He had long fallouts with Madison and Jefferson, he seemed downright hostile to a lot of the Federalists (Hamilton in particular), and almost every job he had, he seemed to have a colleague who he thought was a moron.

In other words, James Monroe is my kind of guy.

You can get a pretty good sense of the man at Ash Lawn-Highland. You could call it a poor man's Monticello, but Monticello was actually a poor man's Monticello -- Jefferson and Monroe both died more or less broke. The house itself is relatively tiny, but decked out -- years of living the high life in Europe gave the Monroes some fairly rich tastes, plus they really wanted to wow visitors. And yet they never had an extra bedroom put on the house -- if you wanted to stay the night, you were sleeping in a room with James.

Monroe was only there for about 4 years of his life -- he bounced around to several different properties, plus work took him to Washington, Richmond, Paris, London and elsewhere for years at a time -- and he bought the property at the goading of Jefferson, who wanted to have his buddies nearby (Monticello is about 1.5 miles away). Monroe considered himself a farmer but he wasn't a very good one; he blamed his lack of personal supervision. He actually ended up selling the plantation later in life, but now it's in the hands of William & Mary. Why does that matter to you, the visitor? Because if you visit in the summer there's a good chance your tour guide won't be the usual (i.e. a very old person who may have actually known the president in question) but instead a hot co-ed doing a summer internship. History, like most subjects, is much more interesting when it's coming from cute 20-year-olds.

The grounds aren't huge (Monticello has more to walk through), and oddly enough most of the turf you can check out as been set up for weddings. Apparently people get married and have receptions all the time at Ash Lawn-Highland. I have nothing snarky to say about that.

FUN MONROE FACTS!

• In the famous "Washington Crossing the Delaware" painting, Monroe is the guy holding the flag, even though he had crossed hours before Washington with a scouting party, and Betsy Ross hadn't yet finished the flag at the time of the crossing. All this conclusively proves that Monroe had a time machine.
• Died on July 4, 1831, the third president (along with Adams and Jefferson) to die on Independence Day. He died in New York, but his body was moved in 1858 to Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond. Monroe's is the black birdcage in the back -- the obelisk is John Tyler's grave.
• The only man ever to have two cabinet posts at the same time (Secretary of State and War, 1814). During this period, he insisted on the title "Secretary of Getting S**t Done."
• Our second Freemason president.
• His wife Elizabeth had epilepsy, weighed 80 pounds and had a reputation of being aloof. In their old age she and Monroe burned their letters to each other, to hide the fact that she was one of the alien overlords that control the Freemasons.
• One New Hampshire member of the 1820 Electoral College voted for John Quincy Adams to prevent a unanimous re-election for Monroe, because he felt only Washington deserved the honor of a unanimous election. This is why the Monroe Doctrine applies to every part of the Western Hemisphere except New Hampshire. If anyone wants to invade, be our guest.
• Our most painted president. The most famous portrait of Monroe was by Samuel Morse, the inventor of Morse Code. Which is why he looks so dashing. Get it? DASH-ing! Oh, I kill me.
• Successfully negotiated the Louisiana Purchase after agreeing to pay for rustproofing.
• Freed American slaves named the city of Monrovia (Liberia's capital) after President Monroe, who was a lifelong slaveowner. Huh.
• As secretary of State, he personally took troops to scout the British advance on Washington in the War of 1812. Attempts to build a "fake Washington" five miles due east, and then blow it up when the British attacked, were unsuccessful.
• Carried the bullet from the Battle of Trenton his whole life, never getting lead poisoning.
• Had a longstanding feud with Alexander Hamilton, who accused Monroe of leaking the news of Hamilton's extra-marital affair. Hamilton challenged Monroe to a duel, but was convinced to back out by ... Aaron Burr. Heh.

The President of Good Feelings

Ten months after dropping out of school, most of us would be sitting in a basement drinking something fermented. 18-year-old James Monroe was busy getting shot by a foreigner in New Jersey. That's the kind of guy he was -- driven, civic-minded and with a great big chip on his shoulder. Also, they didn't have cable television or swank finished basements back then. That probably helped.

Monroe gets lost in the shuffle of the Founding Fathers, which would have pissed him off. Born in 1758 to a fairly well-off Virginia planter, Monroe was orphaned as a teenager, but his uncle arranged to get him into William and Mary at age 16 (which at the time was the AAA team for rich white people who were going to run the colony). But when the Revolution came, he ditched school and joined the Third Virigina serving under George Washington.

He was a professional friend to the stars -- he got shot at the Battle of Trenton in December 1776, and then served at Valley Forge in 1777, where he rubbed elbows with Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton, Washington ... When he was sent to Virginia to aid in recruitment, he ended up studying law under Governor Thomas Jefferson and buddied up with James Madison. And his life was almsot non-stop public service: House of Delegates, Confederation Congress, U.S. Senate, envoy to France, governor of Virgina. He negotiated the Louisiana Purchase for Jefferson, served as Secretary of State (and War, briefly) for Madison, and then got the nod as our Fifth President, ushering in what people called the "Era of Good Feelings" as he cleaned up the slop from the War of 1812 and asserted the supremacy of the United States in the Western Hemisphere (The Monore Doctrine). He goes down as one of the most accomplished diplomats in American history.

But with all that he seemed to have a bit of an inferiority complex; he wasn't top-tier Virginia society and it bugged him. He ran with the big dogs, but he was always chafing somebody the wrong way. He had long fallouts with Madison and Jefferson, he seemed downright hostile to a lot of the Federalists (Hamilton in particular), and almost every job he had, he seemed to have a colleague who he thought was a moron.

In other words, James Monroe is my kind of guy.

You can get a pretty good sense of the man at Ash Lawn-Highland (I went last Monday). You could call it a poor man's Monticello, but Monticello was actually a poor man's Monticello -- Jefferson and Monroe both died more or less broke. The house itself is relatively tiny, but decked out -- years of living the high life in Europe gave the Monroes some fairly rich tastes, plus they really wanted to wow visitors. And yet they never had an extra bedroom put on the house -- if you wanted to stay the night, you were sleeping in a room with James.

Monroe was only there for about 4 years of his life -- he bounced around to several different properties, plus work took him to Washington, Richmond, Paris, London and elsewhere for years at a time -- and he bought the property at the goading of Jefferson, who wanted to have his buddies nearby (Monticello is about 1.5 miles away). Monroe considered himself a farmer but he wasn't a very good one; he blamed his lack of personal supervision. He actually ended up selling the plantation later in life, but now it's in the hands of William & Mary. Why does that matter to you, the visitor? Because if you visit in the summer there's a good chance your tour guide won't be the usual (i.e. a very old person who may have actually known the president in question) but instead a hot co-ed doing a summer internship. History, like most subjects, is much more interesting when it's coming from cute 20-year-olds.

The grounds aren't huge (Monticello has more to walk through), and oddly enough most of the turf you can check out as been set up for weddings. Apparently people get married and have receptions all the time at Ash Lawn-Highland. I have nothing snarky to say about that.

FUN MONROE FACTS!

• In the famous "Washington Crossing the Delaware" painting, Monroe is the guy holding the flag, even though he had crossed hours before Washington with a scouting party, and Betsy Ross hadn't yet finished the flag at the time of the crossing. All this conclusively proves that Monroe had a time machine.
• Died on July 4, 1831, the third president (along with Adams and Jefferson) to die on Independence Day. He died in New York, but his body was moved in 1858 to Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond. Monroe's is the black birdcage in the back -- the obelisk is John Tyler's grave.
• The only man ever to have two cabinet posts at the same time (Secretary of State and War, 1814). During this period, he insisted on the title "Secretary of Getting S**t Done."
• Our second Freemason president.
• His wife Elizabeth had epilepsy, weighed 80 pounds and had a reputation of being aloof. In their old age she and Monroe burned their letters to each other, to hide the fact that she was one of the alien overlords that control the Freemasons.
• One New Hampshire member of the 1820 Electoral College voted for John Quincy Adams to prevent a unanimous re-election for Monroe, because he felt only Washington deserved the honor of a unanimous election. This is why the Monroe Doctrine applies to every part of the Western Hemisphere except New Hampshire. If anyone wants to invade, be our guest.
• Our most painted president. The most famous portrait of Monroe was by Samuel Morse, the inventor of Morse Code. Which is why he looks so dashing. Get it? DASH-ing! Oh, I kill me.
• Successfully negotiated the Louisiana Purchase after agreeing to pay for rustproofing.
• Freed American slaves named the city of Monrovia (Liberia's capital) after President Monroe, who was a lifelong slaveowner. Huh.
• As secretary of State, he personally took troops to scout the British advance on Washington in the War of 1812. Attempts to build a "fake Washington" five miles due east, and then blow it up when the British attacked, were unsuccessful.
• Carried the bullet from the Battle of Trenton his whole life, never getting lead poisoning.
• Had a longstanding feud with Alexander Hamilton, who accused Monroe of leaking the news of Hamilton's extra-marital affair. Hamilton challenged Monroe to a duel, but was convinced to back out by ... Aaron Burr. Heh.

Movie Review: The King of Kong

This is one of the best documentaries I've ever seen. A Seattle-area family man, Steve Wiebe, gets laid off from his job on the day he closes on his house. To pick himself up, he buys a Donkey Kong machine for his garage and decides to try and break the world record. He does. And then the hard part begins.

The old record holder, "Gamer of the Century" Billy Mitchell, starts pulling strings to make sure Steve's record doesn't get recognized. This is truly one of the strangest true stories I've ever seen captured on tape. Billy Mitchell, who runs a barbeque sauce business, has honest-to-god toadies, and they're all OCD video game nerds. The campaign against Steve oscillates from pathetic to hilarious.

And to top it off, Billy Mitchell has a black power mullet. If you were writing a screenplay you couldn't come up with better characters. There are so many great and real moments. The entire audience, me included, applauded at the end.

Only one caveat: I am suspicious of any documentary about video game players that does not involve a 19-year-old Korean kid with a straggly moustache. Other than that, I can do nothing but recommend this movie. If it's in your area go see it.

City Review: Chattanooga

I'm a little late on this, but big thumbs up to the city of Chattanooga. I was at the excellent Comecy Catch two weekends ago, and I had a fine time kicking the tires of that city. If you're that way, here's some stuff to check out:

• The Dragon Dreams Museum. Eight rooms filled floor to ceiling with dragon stuff: ceramic figurines, pottery, children's toys, statues, teapots, rugs, etc. For every authentic Japanese or Chinese piece of dragon art, there are at least 30 figurines of baby dragons doing something along the lines of taking a bath or dressing up like a grandma. I don't think you need me to explain why you should see this.
• Hunter Museum of American Art. A cool little museum with an excellent location, 80 feet over the Tennessee River. It covers most periods of American art, and it really doesn't have more than one piece by any artist, so you're out in 90 minutes without having to do too much serious introspection on the true nature of beauty. By museum law, it has an Alexander Calder out front. Recommended.
• The Arts District. A short walk from the art museum over a foot bridge puts you in the arts district, which has ... uh, art galleries. It also has public fountains with many fat people standing in said fountains. That's probably seasonal, though, so don't plan a whole trip around seeing the fat people in fountains.
• Ruby Falls. I wasn't dying to see Ruby Falls, but if you're driving on I-24 or I-75 anywhere within a 200-mile radious of Chattanooga, you see a billboard every 500 feet. Therefore, I was powerless and had to visit, the same way I must stop at South of the Border even when I do not need Mexican stereotype figurines. Ruby Falls is a 145-foot underground waterfall smack in the center of Lookout Mountain. The caverns leading to the falls are lame, and admission is $15, but how often do you see a 15-story underground waterfall illuminated by multi-colored lights while new-age music cranks out of speakers disguised as rocks? Seriously, go.
• Rock City. A little farther up Lookout Mountain is Rock City, which was designed by the wife of the guy who invented minature golf. Really. It's a bunch of HUGE boulders, with a trail winding between and over them, that ends at a bluff where you can supposedly see seven states. This is a load of crap, but it's still a nice view. There are also many plants along the way, and to top it all, many caves featuring yard-gnome-esque figurines covered in fluorescent paint, under blacklights and posed in fairytale scenes. Rock City also has a huge ad campaign which stretches back to 1936, when the guy who invented miniature golf paid a dude to paint 900 barn roofs from Michigan to Texas with the words "See Rock City." I now consider myself a citizen of Rock City. Garbage pickup is on Tuesday.
• Longhorn Steakhouse. Don't go. You will order something off the lunch menu, but when the bill comes, they will tell you that there is no lunch menu on Sundays, and that's why you're paying the dinner menu prices. They won't even be nice about it. Boo.

Leisure Suit Larry

Larry Craig, a senator from Idaho, was arrested for (if you read between the lines) soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. From the Washington Post:

"At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions. I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct," Craig said. "I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."

Everyone is going to focus on the closted-gay-sex angle, but let's look at the bigger picture: If he's innocent, why would we want any man with such a poor understanding of the legal system or the media to be writing our laws? Who would be dumb enough to PLEAD GUILTY to a crime he didn't commit, especially a gay-closeted-sex-related crime, in the hopes that no one would notice?

That is a man who is too dumb to write laws. Guilty or innocent, at this point you have to resign. Right?

Times Have Changed

Grover Cleveland more or less publicly acknowledged a long-term relationship with a high-class Buffalo prostitute and possible paternity of that prostitute's child. He was elected president. TWICE.

A century later, we have 12-year-old girls walking around dressed like low-class prostitues, regular full nudity (with two pixels of blurring) on cable TV, streaming sex videos available to any home with a computer, and somehow we're actually more prudish when it comes to politicians.

You might remember Jack Ryan, who was basically a Boy Scout GOP senate candidate in 2004 -- unbelievably civic-minded, had an amazing track record working with the underprivileged, etc. etc. Someone dug up divorce papers indicating that he had asked his ex-wife to have sex with him in front of strangers at sex clubs. She didn't accept that offer, but she never accused him of infidelity or any illegal activity. The news that he had done NOTHING ILLEGAL, but was kind of kinky, tanked his campaign and left an easy victory on the table for ... Barack Obama.

By the way, His ex-wife was Jeri Ryan, who played ex-borg Seven of Nine on "Star Trek: Voyager." Insert "assimilation" joke here.

OCTOBER 27!

On Saturday, October 27, I will be in the DC Improv Lounge for one or two shows starring ... ME! The evening will have some videos, some stand-up, some music ... it's going to be a fine time. Tickets are $10, and seats are limited. If you're in the area please come on out and catch the show.

Ad Nausea

Coke takes hidden cameras and talks to "actual lawyers" (oooh!) about how Coke could sue Coke Zero, even though it's the same company. No lawyer agrees to take the case, has a particularly funny reaction or does anything even remotely unethical. So what is the point of the hidden camera thing? We get to watch actors act like a-holes? Whee.

Visa now has a commercial now where they're suggesting that paying cash is too slow of a process when buying fast food in food court. I remember when they went after check-writing people, and even then it was a little much. I cannot imagine that my life would be any better with the 1.2 seconds I'd be saving every time I went to Wendy's if everyone stopped paying cash. Are there people who this ad pitch actually appeals to? Is there a fast food joint left in America that is actually fast and efficient? I submit that there is not.

Things Ain't What They Used to Be

No modern "cutting edge" comedy ("Entourage," "Flight of the Conchords," etc.) makes me laugh out loud. I will chuckle at best.

Any episode of "Golden Girls" makes me laugh very, very hard.

Soho

One of my favorite open mics calls it quits on Monday -- it's the final show at Soho Tea and Coffee.

The show starts at 9. If you're near Dupont Circle, close out your holiday weekend with a laugh.

Movie Review: Superbad

Something is wrong with either me or the American public and most movie critics. This movie is overrated. Way, way, way overrated. It's not bad; in fact, it's mildly amusing. But it's not "smart," it's not "brilliant," and it's not some crazy new paradigm in movie comedies.

Kudos to anyone who can put together even a slightly above-average comedy, but bleh. OK, ranting tangent time ...

Open Mic Movies

Here's the best analogy I can think of. If you've ever been to an open mic, you see comedians "working stuff out." They have ideas, but they aren't really sure about the structure; even when a new joke works, it's too long, the emphasis is often in the wrong place, and the joke hasn't been shaped to fit in the broader context of a longer routine.

When you drop $15 to go to a comedy club, you don't want to see people "working stuff out." You want a polished act. Even if it's designed to LOOK spontaneous and off-the-cuff, the comedian's routine should be a finished product.

Movie comedies aren't live performance. A lot of the rules are different. But to me, all the "brilliant" comedies of late feel like alternative comedy open mics. The actors are working stuff out. Scenes are a little too random, a little too unstructured, built entirely on awkwardness ... and there's always going to be people at the back of the room who want to be the cool kids who "get it," so they laugh way harder than they should. You're not looking at a finished routine; instead you're sitting through two hours of bits that sort of worked out OK.

Comedy's a talent, but it's also a skill ... it takes work to refine innately funny people into geniuses. For a $10 ticket I want people at least trying for genius.

I know I'm not alone on this, America. Speak up. The emperor has no clothes.

But back to the review

"Superbad" tops out at amusing. Some people have made a huge deal about how crude it is, but as a former teenage guy I wasn't really floored. My lovely date and I mostly grinned. When an over-the-top movie built around penis jokes doens't get out-loud laughs ... I think we've hit a societal saturation point for crudity.

The acting was decent, but the story/editing/directing are sloppy. It needed to be 90 minutes, not 120.

But what do I know. I'm a snob.