Sorry for the layoff, regular readers. I've been busy fighting crime.
Oh, and the drinking. Musn't forget the drinking.
Karaoke Death Match Update
Here's where
we left off if you need to catch up. This time I'll spare you the boilerplate -- all you need to know is that last Friday, my Karaoke opponent Allyson and I returned to The Meeting Place, on L St. in downtown DC, which was packed.
I belted out a respectable edition of "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder, thereby fulfilling my own personal obligation to my musical hero. I won't say it was my best work, but nobody threw anything.
Allyson took the albatross off her neck by singing Mariah Carey's "Fantasy."
Actually, "singing" is a strong word. She mouthed some of the lyrics and moved her
hips enough that no one seemed to notice her inability to find a pitch. Damn her
feminine wiles. I have three songs to go, but all of them are at Allyson's
discretion. Allyson has three to go, one chosen by me and two by her. And we have only six and a half months to get it done. DRAMA!
Ebony and Ivory
The whole karaoke evening was educational. For example, did you know that black people line dance? They do! I always assumed this was just in movies that involved black weddings, and that line dancing is more of a white thing. But black people line dance, enthusiastically! And, of course, they do it better than white people.
This came up because the Meeting Place's clientele is primarily black, and primarily awesome. There are definitely bars and businesses you can walk into in the District where you get a cockeyed stare for being white (payback for the bars all over America where black people get dirty looks), but at the Meeting Place everyone's friendly and chatty to everyone. This is probably white guilt talking, but the racial harmony actually makes the evening more fun. I'm not sure you can put that in ads, but I'd salute anyone who tried: "Come on out the Meeting Place and stop feeling bad about the cross-generational impacts of slavery and horrid racism for a few hours! And $3 Miller Lite bottles after 7 p.m.!"
Not that there aren't awkward racial moments. Most of the karaoke singers are black, and they lean toward R&B, Soul and Motown, i.e. actually good music. When a white got up and decided to sing "No Rain" by Blind Mellon, I wanted to hide in the bathroom.
You can also get your tickets in person at the DC Improv office, if you're in the neighborhood -- saves you a few bucks from the online ticket fee.
For just $10, you're getting a trivia contest, funny videos, about an hour of stand-up and a special grand finale -- I'm admittedly a little biased, but I think it's one of the most fun shows going. Once again, I'll have all new questions, some new videos, some new stand-up and a new finale.
I hope to see you there! And bring your friends. You know you want to.
The big event is Tuesday, July 1, and in honor of the July Fourth holiday, the theme is a "Red, White and Blue." We're going to have one round of regular questions, one round of video questions and a new wrinkle -- a music round. It's not all Americana, though ... think outside the box.
If you're in the DC area, check it out -- between trivia and headliner Brett Leake you're gonna have a good time. Start assembling your team now ...
I am now officially a podcaster. You work so hard, but you think the day will never come ... You're probably wondering, "Chris, why should I care what you have to say as opposed to every other loser with an internet connection?"
The answer is: you shouldn't care what I have to say! But as it turns out, I have struck an agreement with the DC Improv whereby I'll have the chance to talk to people actually worth listening to. When possible I'll be interviewing the Improv headliners (and some other folks) and the posting the results for your listening pleasure. We're trying to keep the finished product around 20 minutes in length. There are already two episodes finished; I've talked to Bob Marley and Jeff Caldwell. You can learn more (including how to subscribe, so these things download automatically to your iTunes at the Podcast page.
I'll also be throwing in some other MP3 comedy shorts, and (if I can figure out how) my latest video projects. If all you want is the Improv headliners, you can subscribe just to the DC Improv feed: http://www.dcimprov.com/podcast/rss.xml
If you're wondering how this is done: I use Samson C01U USB-compatible microphones. The first two podcasts were recorded to my laptop computer with just one microphone, recording straight to Audacity (a freeware audio editing program). Now, I have a second microphone, and a program that can take feeds from two USB mics at the same time ... after that, I'll just export the recording over to audicity to finish up. It's a pretty simple and affordable setup.
Isn't technology neat?
Movies I Am Embarrassed to Like
1) Prime
2) Two Weeks Notice
3) In Her Shoes
They're all in pretty heavy basic cable rotation ... sigh.
Subscribe to my Podcast, and you can get the latest audio project. My buddy Jared Stern has helped me record "Favorite Island," which not only helped me test my new two-microphone arrangement, but also is about 4 minutes long. High praise!
Podcast Preview
If the scheduling works out, this Thursday I'll be talking to Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General. Should be pretty cool -- subscribe!
Movie Review: Indiana Jones
If there's anything wrong with "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," it's that I got 19 years older since "Last Crusade." It's an entertaining action movie with a few funny lines; if you think of it as a modern version of a 1950s action serial, it's pretty phenomenal. But between CGI and me no longer being 12, I'm more or less dead to most action spectacles. Thanks, Hollywood!
Still, it's not at all a bad movie, and if you're willing to believe that the United States military keeps all of the greatest secrets and discoveries in history in one poorly guarded warehouse, then you will have no trouble with Indiana Jones fighting communists and uncovering the truth about little green men. It HAS to be different from the earlier flicks to account for Indy's aging, and they do a pretty good job moving the whole shebang into the 1950s.
All told, it's not as good as the episodes where he fights Nazis, but at least as good, if not better than, "Temple of Doom." There's only one inexcusable scene, and that is when Shia LeBouf swings on vines. I'm willing to accept interdimensional beings with crystal skulls, but the vine stuff is just stupid. Really.
If you ever log into Myspace, then you probably also log off of Myspace, and you've seen those video ads from online chatting sites. They all feature semi-attractive (but approachable looking!) girls sitting at computers, seemingly very excited to be engaging in online chats with fat computer-literate strangers.
Something I can't figure out: they put their hair back. If you watch for more than a few seconds, the girl almost always will start to put her hair in a ponytail. It happens in enough of the ads that I think it has to be part of the script.
Any guesses why? Working together we can solve this ...
Last night I got to interview Jeffrey Ross ("The Roastmaster General") at the DC Improv Lounge. He was a very nice guy, and he was wearing a seersucker jacket he had just purchased at Filene's Basement. No, really.
I remember watching clips of Jeff from when I was in college, and of course he's usually the highlight of any televised roast these days.
This is the first interview recorded with a new, two-microphone setup -- I think the sound quality should reflect that. There seems to be less background noise, plus it's an actual stereo track. I'm on one channel and Jeff is on the other. If you hear any odd audio stuff give me a heads up and I'll try to fix it.
If you subscribe to the feed through iTunes, you should have it already; if not, you can download it directly from the Podcast page.
Hairy Situations
Sadly, no one has yet stepped up with any theories on all the ponytails in the Match.com online ads.
I slept on it and I still can't figure it out. Back in the day, you would find out a girl is sexy by telling her to take off her glasses and let her hair down; It's how librarians and candystripers learned to get in touch with their inner vixen. Why the 180, society? Huh?
Let's go, readers. Theories. Now.
Graciously Spending
If you ever park in downtown area of DC at night, eventually you get fliers and cards for nightclubs shoved under your windshield wipers. If you don't park downtown, never fear! Here's the full text of the last one I got, for a club called Lotus:
"Ciroc Tuesday is the best of both worlds. We provide you with a hapy hour that is fused with great drink specials and sushi - a natural aphrodisiac. The late night consists of an open bar couresy of Ciroc Vodka, a top shelf premium spirit. This is the sexiest late night spot on Tuesday. The women are beautiful and the men are graciously spending."
Remember guys: the way to be sexy is to GRACIOUSLY SPEND. And even if you would gag on most sushi, like me, it's still a natural aphrodesiac, because it's expensive, thereby giving you a great chance to GRACIOUSLY SPEND. And ladies: Uggos need not apply.
And oh yeah, no shorts, sweat pants or Timberland Boots. But anyone who's graciously spending wouldn't wear that stuff anyhow.
As the flier says, "Tuesdays will never be the same again." From now until the end of time. Now if only I could get my Wednesdays in line. Sigh.
I enjoy hockey, and I love baseball, but I have never come close to pushing another
human being through a cyclone fence as a way of expressing those feelings. That's a
storybook love.
I got to witness soccer fandom up close Saturday at my first ever DC United game.
We're still a bit behind the rest of the world in terms of fan-related hate crimes,
but this is AMERICA -- we'll get there, baby. Some encouraging signs:
Streamers! People were throwing streamers, some of them from the upper deck of RFK.
This can be improved, maybe by replacing the streamers with burning effigies of
opposing players.
Smoke Bombs! Have you ever loved a team so much that you had to set off a smoke
bomb, and then NOT THROW the smoke bomb, just letting it smoke right under your
seat, making the whole area reek, plus obscuring your vision of the team, plus
making it harder for the team you love to breathe when the breeze carries the smoke
on the field? I have never loved anything this much. I hope that someday my heart is
lifted to such heights.
NOISE! To respond to an exciting play is the act of a monkey. Banging a drum,
shouting, and jumping up and down non-stop while teams mill aimlessly around
midfield for 10 minutes is the act of a TRUE FAN. Or a habitual peyote user.
The point is, people who truly love soccer are enthusiastic. Even the people who
just arbitrarily decided they love soccer because they felt left out from sports
conversations at parties, but still wanted to be snobs so they picked a sport
most Americans don't watch, are enthusiastic. There's more noise at one DC United home
game than a 9-game homestand for the Nationals.
Some advice if you go: Never leave your seat. I got up to buy beer, since the game was scoreless and nothing interesting was happening. I missed two goals in five minutes. The odds of this happening in a soccer game are about one in three thousand, but what can I say? I make a career out of beating the odds.
What's Sadder?!?
We're living in a society here, people! -- George Costanza
Back before society gave up on self-policing (1991ish), it was actually OK to tell rude kids to go f*** themeselves. Even if they weren't yours!
A kid (maybe 8 years old) at the United game walked through my row about four times. Not once did he say excuse me. Instead, he just shoved past the legs of me and my friends. He had parents there and they didn't say a thing.
What's sadder: the kid shoving my legs, or me intentionally grinding my knees into his kidneys after the second time?
Way to man up and endorse a guy who already won the nomination. It's that bold attitude that won you the presidency.
Oil Can't!
It's not often that I agree with the president of Iran, but this makes sense to me. We all know oil and gas suddenly cost a hell of a lot more, but can anyone explain EXACTLY why? I know China and India are going to be using more gas, and I know global supplies will dwindle, and I know the price of gas HAS to go up in the long term. But why exactly did the price double in the space of a few months?
How many things double in price that quickly outside of a gold rush? And if there's a legit supply and demand reason for this, why aren't we all scared ****less that a substance ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to the ENTIRE GLOBAL ECONOMY is on a week-to-week basis? Aren't we teetering pretty close to Thunderdome here?
I just want to know in case I have to start getting measured for my bondage-gear biker-gang outfit.
Feature Creature
I've been spending the last few weeks trying to fill out my stand-up calendar for the back half of 2008. It's not my favorite part of the business, and lately it's gotten uglier. Lots of places are bugging out about the economy -- if you look online, it's not too tough to find comedy clubs willing to comp out hundreds of tickets a night just to put butts in seats. They often cut costs by dropping out-of-town features (no hotel fees that way) in favor of local guys. And even if they do use out-of-town guys, it costs hundreds of dollars in gas to get to most places these days. It's not unusual to spend half the money you're earning on travel expenses, never mind general wear and tear on the car.
Not to mention the regular garbage! A lot of prominent headliners (i.e., often the ones who go to the most prestigious clubs) insist on bringing their own feature acts with them, thereby elbowing out independently booked features trying to make a name for themselves. When a headliner brings a feature, it's not always because the person is a good comic. Sometimes that's the case, but just as often, headliners are fishing for guys who won't make an impression: if a feature act is too good, too awful, or too dirty, it can be tough for a headliner to go on stage afterwards. They would rather have predictability, and so they go with what they know. (Or sometimes, they just go with a guy who smokes pot with them. A surprising number of people have gotten their breaks in comedy based largely on who they smoke pot with. I'm pretty sure this is the business model for Happy Madison.)
It makes sense for the headliner, but it's tough to watch. In the audience at a comedy club a few weeks ago, I saw a tagalong feature barely fill out a 17-minute set (20-30 is normal) by ripping off George Carlin airline jokes. And not even RELEVANT jokes -- he was complaining about how airport security asks you if you packed your own bags. They stopped doing that a few years ago. But that's what the headliner wanted. The feature act "system" doesn't really act like a minor leagues for developing new headliners. To many clubs, you're just a placeholder.
Sometimes you're fighting demographics, too. White males generally have no shortage of opportunities, but consider this: a white male headliner I saw recently was honestly suprised that the show (emcee, feature, headliner) consisted of three white males. The entertainment industry (right or wrong) firmly believes that racial and gender diversity should be a priority (Whether the motivation is ethical, financial or both varies from club to club). Since a great many headliners are white males (like I said, no shortage of opportunities, plus we're the largest demographic cohort in the business), that means when you go down the card, it often is less desirable to have a white male feature; that demographic niche has already been filled. You can distinguish yourself in other ways (style, skill, etc.) but sometimes your headshot does have something to do with a booking decision. You aren't needed.
Honestly, I'm not complaining; I only write this because people ask me from time to time what it's like being a comedian, or what "the circuit" is like. Clubs aren't usually the way for young guys to get to the top; they're a way to keep your head above water and stay sharp while you wait for other projects (writing, acting, podcasts, etc.) to pay off. It's not the 1980s anymore, when TV scouts would comb the nightspots for the next huge television star; now it's people trying to find performers to placate narrow demographics on the Web or cable or at college campuses or whatever. That's just the way it is. In some senses it's understandable, but it's also a shame, because being a really good stand-up requires a lot of focus. It would be nice if a young performer could viably work on stand-up alone and eventually be rewarded. But that's not how the system works anymore, for the most part.
It's a fun life, though! Funny how much that evens the scales.
A big hello to anyone who found their way here from Yelp DC, which gave a very nice plug to ...
Between Yelp and the DC Improv e-mail list, I'm thinking that trivia night is going to be pretty full on July 1. If you and your trivia team are planning on making an appearance, do your best to get there when the doors open around 6:30 -- the Improv Lounge holds 55-60 people, and it's first-come first-served.
In honor of Independence Day, the theme is "Red, White and Blue," so each round is going to have some kind of patriotic theme to it. See you July 1!
Miss Jackson, If You're Nasty
If you're a big fan of Janet Jackson, or more specifically, the silicon-based lifeform that used to be Janet Jackson, have I got a deal for you!
I have two tickets for her concert in D.C. on Oct. 15. And they're good tickets! I couldn't snag any of the premium 15 seats that are actually between Janet's breasts (the seats are mounted where her ribs used to be * ), but they are directly opposite the stage on the lower level of the Verizon Center. They're not on the floor, though, so visibility will be good, because you won't be in the huge shadow cast by her breasts, and there's less risk of death by catastrophic boob collapse. Although it wouldn't be so bad to die underneath the boob that changed television forever. If you gotta go ...
I originally bought the tickets as gift. Here's how it went down:
Birthday Girl: Wow, Janet Jackson is coming to town! I would like that show. Too bad we'll be out of town.
What I heard, probably because I was busy thinking about hot dogs or something along those lines: Janet Jackson!
Me, two weeks later, still thinking about hot dogs: Hey, Janet Jackson is coming to town! That would make a good gift!
Me, two hundredths of a second after finalizing the credit card purchase: Oh, wait ...
You might think that the moral of the story is "listen better," but you would be wrong. The moral is, "TicketMaster is a fascist, malignant lump on the butt of humanity." So anyhow, I can't go, and if you are interested in snagging my tickets, I will sell them to you at face value, plus a $321 convenience fee. **
I won't be thrilled about it, though! I actually would like to see Janet. I'm not a huge fan, but I consider any performance by a Jackson to be a touching testament to the astonishing creative energy unleashed by systematic child abuse. I'm sure Joe Jackson is burning in hell, but if there's any justice, he gets to listen to a Lite FM station while doing it.
* rib joke courtesy of Becca
** I might drop this fee altogether if asked nicely
We're getting closer and closer to "I Take Requests 3" on July 12 at the DC Improv Lounge. If you're in the DC area, I really hope you can come out to see the show -- it's only $10, and I think it will definitely be money well spent. I try to make the evening as fresh as possible.
Once again, there will be a trivia contest, once again, I'll feature some new comedy videos, once again, I'll be expanding the number of "challenges" I work into the act, but most important ... (big breath) ...
... my current plan for the grand finale is to attempt the HARDEST JOKE IN THE WORLD. You might think that's crazy, but I have been training, and I think I am finally ready.
To find out what the hell I'm talking about, make you way to the DC Improv Lounge on July 12. The last two shows sold out, so buy your tickets early (there's a link to the Improv ticketing system on the front page.
Our Founding Fathers, in all their infinite wisdom, decided to build the capital of our budding nation on a malarial swamp. It was probably part of their commitment to limited government. Sadly, that swamp is now drained, leaving only 100 degree summers with 95 percent humidity as reminders of our glorious past.
But not all is lost! One of D.C.'s forgotten attractions (i.e., something in a neighborhood most white tourists are scared to go to for vaguely racist reasons) is Kennilworth Aquatic Gardens.
It's a swamp. Specifically, a SMITHSONIAN swamp, so your tax dollars are funding my semiannual trips to see frogs in the wild. But don't say I never gave back. Here are some pictures ...
That's right, it's a BUG ORGY! ON YOUR TAX DOLLAR! I don't know how people can sleep at night knowing a piece of their paycheck is funding this smut.
We saw one frog on our visit. We heard many of them. They are organized and stealthy. Fear them. We did run into three different turtles, including one very cool looking snapping turtle (not pictured, I was petrified with fear).
There are lots of pretty flowers at the swamp. I'd say more but I like the LADIES! Cough. Cough.
I don't know what this thing is. A crawdad? A pigmy lobster? A jukajoo? I'm pretty sure it's poisonous though. Just LOOK at it.
Here's the much-anticpated result for the 16th Chris White Challenge: Belgium. There are lots of things about Belgium to make fun of, and I didn't even get into Jean Claude Van Damme, probably because he might find me and kill me if I did so.
Remember, you can see the super-polished highlights of these jokes at the DC Improv Lounge on July 12, when I Take Requests 3 happens. See you there!
There's a new episode of the Online Method for Robust Living, posted yesterday. This time out I'm revisiting Fun Science Facts, my radio program in which I answer kids' questions about science in a fun way! We're talking about the hot topic on everyone's mind: oil. Get down with the learnin', yo,
And if you enjoy these things, don't forget to subscribe through iTunes! The instructions on how to do so are all over on the podcast page. You're getting both audio sketches AND interviews with comedy luminaries, all for free.
We All Pray for Ice Cream
Summer means the return to the Washington, D.C., region of the great migratory land beast known as the ice cream truck. They spend the winters in Mexico. It's a fact.
We have a few standard truck tunes. The ones in my neighborhood all kick out "Turkey in the Straw," which is scientifically proven to make people wonder why an ice cream truck in a mostly black neighborhood would play "Turkey in the Straw."
On the trip to the swamp last Saturday, I got the distinct pleasure of hearing a truck playing the song from "Mr. 3000," which I didn't realize was an ACTUAL ice cream truck song. I like that movie, the horrible Viagra joke at the end notwithstanding, so it made me happy.
Here's the cake-taker, though: on the way BACK from the swamp, we drove past an ice cream truck playing ....
"Silent Night." On June 21.
House!
I've lived in the same house for ... well, long enough that I can't remember exactly how long I've lived there. Let's call it eight years. It's a great location.
Bad news: I got word last week that my landlord is selling the place. Good news: under DC law, I think I get the first chance to buy it! The house is actually attached to a few other units, though, so apparently I'd have to buy them all at the cost of $1.2 million.
Given my career choice, savings and income level, I am confident that I can do this. All I need from you, my readers, is low-interest loans in the amount of $1.19 million. I'm totally good it, and you KNOW that if you're ever on Capitol Hill I'd hook you up with a warm futon. Together, we can make my dreams happen! Let's do it for me!
Philadelphia! I'm here Wednesday through Saturday at Helium Comedy Club. Be a peach and come see me (the headliner is Nick Griffin), or if you don't live in Philadelphia, but know someone who does, tell them how fantastic I am and have them show up. I'm cool with that. It's a great club, they won't be sorry.
Podcast Preview
If all goes according to plan, this Sunday I'll have the chance to talk to Jake Johannsen in the DC Improv Lounge (he's playing the club Wednesday through Sunday). I worked with Jake last year, and from what I remember he's a really interesting guy. He's at the DC Improv once or twice a year, so if you can't make it this week, subscribe to the Podcast, listen to the interview, get intrigued and catch him on his next time through.
I'll also probably try to talk to someone in the Philadelphia area this week. We'll see what happens ...
Happy Thursday. If you're in the Philadelphia region and want to make it happier, come see me at Helium comedy club tonight. Showtime is 8 and I give my personal seal of approval to headliner Nick Griffin. It's a fun show.
Hometown
Every time I'm at Helium there seems to be someone I know in the audience. Back in December it was a guy from my high school marching band. This time out ...
I asked the audience Wednesday if there were any redheads. No one cheered. Standing by the door after the show, a redheaded lady walked past, and I gave her a hard time for not representin', yo. We got to talking a bit, and it turns out we both played on the softball team for my dad's law office (I was about 13, she worked at the county courthouse). The team name was the No Lo Contenders, which was a play on a legal term. If you take the Latin plus the English, it means "It doesn't contend."
This is a horrible name for a sports team, but under the circumstances it was appropriate.
Zorba!
I'm watching the Phillies/Oakland game on TV right now (12:31 a.m.) and during a visit of the pitching coach to the mound, they played the Herb Alpert & the Tiajuana Brass version of the theme from "Zorba the Greek" on the stadium PA. BASEBALL FEVER! CATCH IT!
My Parents are Killing Machines
Here's a fun story. My mom and dad have vast acreage on the plantation home, and with that comes chipmunks. Chimpmunks are cute in cartoons, but in reality they ruin flowerbeds, so a few years ago my parents researched ways to (cough cough) "eliminate" the menace.
The most low-cost and effective solution: fill a large bucket halfway with water. Use a plank to make a bridge up to the rim of the bucket. Then float some sunflower seeds on the surface of the water (enough to cover the surface). Chimpunks can't swim, and apparently they're so dumb that they'll jump into the water after the seeds. Since the bucket is half full, they can't reach the rim, and they drown. It killed about seven chipmunks the last time they used it.
My dad's charming name for this device: The Bucket of Death.
I asked my mom how they disposed of the bodies, and her answer was that it was my dad's job. I'm guessing that if you looked aroud the yard long enough you could find weathered chipmunk skulls on small stakes. As a warning.
Thanks to everyone who came out to Helium to catch the shows last week. It's one
of my top three favorite clubs -- if you're in the Philly area do yourself a favor
and stop in. They have mixed drinks served in caraffes! It's like Denny's, but more
fun.
I spent my free time in Philly catching up with friends and family. That included my younger brother, who has decided to get back at me for years of monopolizing the Nintendo by becoming a very successful lawyer with a huge salary. He had the gall to buy me things all weekend, knowing full well that I would become insanely jealous of his superior earning power and that I would be unable to complain, since as his sibling I am supposed to be "proud of him."
That jerk. I guess the ball is back in my court.
We went to Philadelphia's Punk Rock Flea Market. It's a twice-a-year event in
which a few intriguing local artists sell their work, and about a hundred people who look like extras from "Rent" sell old He-Man figures and VHS cassettes to people who LOVE irony.
Mr. Deep Pockets dished out $13 to get me a diary. Not because I like recording
my thoughts or feelings (I have neither), but because the diary was made by cutting
out most of the pages of an existing book. That existing book had an intriguing
cover.
Nice, huh? Even the green eyes match! But that's nothing compared to the picture inside:
Ah, hate crimes. Are they ever not funny? Oh, wait. Always. My bad.
American Apparel: The Business Model
1) Ugly outfits in garish colors.
2) Sweating models who appear to have been photographed by mistake.
You have to salute anyone who can make that work. Vaya con dios.
Legal Stuff: If you have questions about this Web site, why? You should spend your time questioning the moral nature of any god who would let Chris White exist. But anyhow ... copyright 2009, Chris White Sucks Inc.
I belted out a respectable edition of "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder, thereby fulfilling my own personal obligation to my musical hero. I won't say it was my best work, but nobody threw anything.
Tickets are now on sale for I Take Requests 3. 
I've lived in the same house for ... well, long enough that I can't remember exactly how long I've lived there. Let's call it eight years. It's a great location.
August 2009: Jefferson.
Fall 2009: comic interviews on the podcast. 
