The Season to Give to Me

You're probably all kinds of stressed over what to get me for the holidays. So I think I'll help you out!

We're starting out with the ROM exercise machine, which first came to my attention in a Southwest Airlines magazine. "Who would buy a $15,000 exercise machine?" you might ask. Obviously, the smart, budget-conscious people who fly Southwest -- my time is money, and since the ROM lets me get a complete cardio workout in 4 minutes, $15,000 is a total bargain.

"But how is it possible to get a workout in 4 minutes?" Go to the web site! It's filled with helpful information, especially on the FAQ page. For example: "4. Why are these 4 minute results possible with the ROM and not with any other method of exercise?" The answer: "TOO AMAZING TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY."

That's all the info I need, but since you're signing the check: "Walking at a pace of 3 miles per hour consumes a low 7mlO2/kg/min and therefore requires about 85 minutes for significant benefits to the cardio-vascular system. Sprinting at a pace of 15 miles per hour consumes a high 50 to 60mlO2/kg/min (this is a 4 minute mile pace) and therefore requires only 3 minutes for significant benefits to the cardio-vascular system." See? So all I'd have to do is exert myself on the same level as a person running a 4-minute mile (the world record is 3:43).

How could the ROM help me do this without months or years of advance training? I'm not up on the science, but it looks like something from a Klingon hotel exercise room, so how could it not work? I might even do 8 minutes a day and then compete in every event in the London Olympics. I'll totally give you a shout-out from the medal stand if you're the lucky person who springs for the ROM.

Do it for America!

Carrot and Sick

If carrots are "health food," then how come I feel sick after eating a whole pound of them? Huh? And how come I can't see through walls? And why isn't my skin orange like Hulk Hogan's?

Obviously, the "health" industry has been lying to us for years. It just makes sense that greasy food has a smoother, faster path through the digestive system, which means fewer calories would be absorbed. Tomorrow, I'm going to eat a Double Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's and compare my overall feeling of well-being.

Tags: Christmas

What Should I Get the President for Christmas?

Some people are just really, really hard to shop for, and the president of the United States is right at the top of that list. He has tons of stuff already, he's rich, he's super busy ...

So I've taken it on myself to ease your stress in this shopping season by answering the question of what to get the president for Christmas. Click over to McSweeney's and see the fabulous results today!

Big Cheese for the Big Cheese

Something I didn't cram into the column: in January 1802, Thomas Jefferson received as a gift a 1,200 pound cheese. Sadly, it didn't come in a Hickory Farms basket with a 1,500 pound beef stick, but still ... that's a lot of cheese.

Tags: presidents

The Season to Give to Me

Maybe you desperately want to buy me a gift, but you can't afford the ROM exercise machine (see Tuesday). I can understand that. I'm sensitive to your plight. That's what makes me such a great friend -- the kind of person that you'd buy a $15,000 exercise machine for, if you could.

So here's a plan B: the Peekaru. According to the Web site, "the Peekaru Original is a fleece vest that zips over a soft baby carrier to keep you and your child warm." But it's so much more than that -- it combines the elegance of the Snuggie with the class and practicality of the Snuggie for Dogs. It is a revolution in how we treat our young. By displaying our progeny through chest holes, we reserve for them the honored space usually reserved for sacred things like cleavage, or ironic T-shirt slogans.

I don't have kids, though, so mostly it's just an essential piece of my 2010 Halloween costume. Assuming I can borrow a baby, I'm going as Kuato.

Tips From the Recently Engaged

A few weeks ago, hell froze over and a woman agreed to marry me. It's been a great time in my life, and I'd like to share with you some helpful tips should you plan to get engaged in the near future.

1) If you tell people that you're getting married on Dec. 22, 2012, no one will laugh.

2) To make "I got engaged" conversations with your friends and relatives easier, it's best if you have a date, location, floral motif, gift registry and complete guest list prepared before you even propose to a woman. For maxiumum efficiency, you should also know the gender and name of any future child, the address of any homes you might buy in the next 10 years and the exact wording of all your wedding vows.

3) Every woman who learns of your engagement will want to know exactly how you proposed. For this reason, plan your proposal to be explainable in one word: Jumbotron.

4) The closest you'll ever come to pleasing everyone is a ceremony in a religion neither of you belong to. If you make it a Cthulu cult, planning your reception also gets a lot simpler.

Tags: Christmas

More Tips from a Recently Engaged Guy

The tradition of the diamond engagement ring was invented by the DeBeers diamond company -- for many years a hateful company that employed inhumane and apartheid tactics on its workforce -- as a way to move inventory. The idea of "two months' salary" being the appropriate amount to spend was arbitrarily selected as part of a marketing campaign.

Well guess what, diamond industry? I DON'T MAKE THAT MUCH IN TWO MONTHS! They never counted on me making a series of poor career decisions. Advantage White.

But a ring is a nice symbol of your commitment, so you're going to have to buy one. Even if it means caving in to a hateful, racist company hell-bent on stealing your money. Just make sure that you're marrying a lucid girl who's not using jewelry to compensate for serious self-esteem issues. And mention apartheid a lot! It might drive down the cost.

I had a completely painless ring-buying experience, in that the lady who will wear the ring picked it out after we were already engaged. I was spared the embarassment of her having to return anything I would have chosen, which probably would have involved cut glass in the shape of an initial (whichever of her initials would use the least cut glass). I am therefore a total expert at this, and here's a quick rundown on how the whole ring industry works:

You buy a ring for X dollars. When you get the ring appraised for insurance purposes, they will tell you it is "worth" 3X dollars. But if you ever try to sell that ring (stuff happens!), regardless of the ring's "worth," the most you will get is 0.2X dollars, even though whoever would buy it would then sell it again for at least X dollars. From the time you take it off the lot, the only time that ring has any economic value is when it is on her finger. Otherwise it's basically worthless.

Engagement rings are therefore an economic incentive to stay together ... or an incentive to commit insurance fraud! And if that lady is the kind of gal willing to commit insurance fraud, then you KNOW it's gonna last forever. May your future be filled with "burglaries" and industrial "accidents"!

The Season to Give to Me

I smell great. I always have. When I walk into a room it's like rose petals just blew in on a cinnamon wind. But in the back of my mind, I've always wondered: Do I smell presidential?

You can help me answer this question with the generous gift of Caswell-Massey Number Six, the favorite scent of George F. Washington! Finally, a chance to have the same odor as the greatest American. George probably splashed on the Number Six to cover up the horrible aroma of 18th-century hygeine, hippopotamus denture breath and living on a farm. In fact, this scent was probably the only thing keeping people from vomiting in their mouths when they met him.

I, on the other hand, will splash it on to improve on perfection.

Caswell-Massey has survived the test of time by making people smell like George Washington for 200 years. If there's a way to smell like Warren Harding, keep it to yourself -- I want to start at the top.

And strangely, this is a gift I actually want.

Tags: Christmas