Trivia Recap: 12/17

Everybody knows that it's not the holidays without trivia, so we gathered together in the DC Improv lounge to complete 12 glorious months of competition. "Reindeer Games" had 9 questions, each inspired by one of Santa's cruelly mistreated pack animals (the vixen is the female of what animal species?). "Gift Exchange" had 9 questions about some famous presents (what's on the Statue of Liberty's tablet?). The video round had some random trivia filmed on location during my travels, and "Fifty/Fifty/Push" was a new variation on a classic. Thanks to everyone who made 2009 a great year for Happy Hour Trivia.

Steven's Friends Who Did Not Help Him Move were at least kind enough to chip in for trivia night, as they managed 28 out of 40 for the win. The Conniving Knishes scored a 25, as did Cake Farts and Flan. But CFF begged off of a dance-off, yielding second place to the Knishes. Here they are in order of finish:

Tags: trivia

Movie Review: Up in the Air

This move does not stack up with the "King of the Hill" episode where Dale gets to fire people. George Clooney is no Dale Gribble.

But it's not bad! It takes on a lot of interesting themes -- employment, self-worth, emotional attachment -- and it doesn't say anything conclusive about any of them. So it can't really piss you off! It's arty without being too arty, and any time it starts to get too arty, you can just concentrate on how hot Vera Famiga looks.

George Clooney plays George Clooney (aging, single, sort of sad). His job is to fly into a city, conduct layoffs for the company that hired him, then move on to the next city. He spends most of his life traveling, has almost no significant personal relationships of any kind, and even though he lives out of a carry-on suitcase 300 days out of the year he never needs ironing. But when his lifestyle is threatened by technology (firing by teleconferencing), he takes a closer look at the value of human contact. In turn, he starts to second-guess his attitude toward his personal relationships.

The whole thing might be a tad anti-corporate, but for the most part there's admirable restraint. And there is one plot development that is genuinely surprising and plausible -- the ending was not at all what I expected. You don't get that much from movies these days. So: not the best movie of the year, but it's definitely high quality. Since there are 532 Best Picture Nominees this year, it'll be on that list.

Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes

I enjoy a good mystery, and the big mystery of "Sherlock Holmes" is who signed off on the script. It's awful! (MINOR SPOILER ALERTS)

• Though Sherlock Holmes is the only man in London capable of stopping him, the bad guy willingly ignores an opportunity to blow up both Holmes and Watson. Really. He anticipates their arrival at a completely expendable building, lets them d*** around in that completely expendable building for about 10 minutes while completely aware of their presence (he essentially traps them in the building!), lets them leave the building, then blows up the building. More specifically, he relies on the heroes hitting a tripwire to blow up the building. This is the same bad guy smart enough to orchestrate a horrifically elaborate plan that brings him within seconds of taking over the British empire.
• Holmes solves one murder where he is never at the scene, never sees the body and never sees any of the evidence. He deduces actions at that murder scene that would be impossible to know, since the only person who would tell Holmes about them is the guy who got murdered.
• America is described as being weak from the Civil War, more than 25 years after the Civil War had ended (1891).
• Radio waves are important to the plot, though the "wireless age" was about 20 years away.
• There's a red-headed midget with no speaking parts. How can you forget the Chekov rule? YOU DON'T HAVE A RED-HEADED MIDGET IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO USE THE RED-HEADED MIDGET.
• About 10 minutes of the movie is devoted to setting up the sequel. They couldn't put together one coherent story, but they are already at work on the second movie.

Basically, when it's time to advance the plot, Holmes pulls 15 observations out of his butt and they run off to the next disaster. In that sense it's not entirely divorced from the Holmes books, but you can't get away with that crap in a movie. I think we're all happy that Robert Downey Jr. has't gotten caught with a hooker or checked into rehab lately, and he's a fine actor. But good performance plus bad script equals bad movie. Case closed.

Tags: movies

Gross Anatomy

In 1893, President Grover Cleveland was dismayed to find a rough patch on the roof of his mouth. This was problematic, not only because it was cancerous, but because it threatened Cleveland's favorite pastime of eating like a hog. Rather than shatter the entire economy by making the news of his bumpy mouth public (as Grover Cleveland was the glue holding our fragile nation together), he said he was going fishing. Then he slipped onto a yacht in the East River and had surgeons secretly remove a small chunk of his head.

I share this delightful tale of Americana because I recently visited that small chunk at Philadelphia's Mutter Museum. It's a medical museum dating to the 1860s, still organized along the principles of mid-19th century medicine: hideous deformities in delightful wooden cases. You owe it to yourself to go.

Now, maybe you're saying, "Chris, I don't much care for Grover Cleveland. His use of the veto was both obstructive and philosophically undemocratic." Well then, why not go for the PIECE OF JAMES GARFIELD?!?!?! Yea, a dollop of skin from James Garfield's back, removed during his autopsy, now sits on a Mutter Museum shelf as plain as day. Maybe your travel plans will never take you to Garfield's tomb, but if you're in Philly you can still pay your respects to a pinkish-white divot of our 20th president, who died of ... uh, mid-19th century medicine.

What's that? You despise James Garfield, too? Well the Mutter has got you covered, you hateful bastard -- you can tip your cap to a chunk of the brain of the GUY WHO SHOT GARFIELD! It looks like lasagna noodles, and it's just a few shelves down from the thorax of John Wilkes Booth. But the Mutter is so much more than small pieces of presidents and assassins:

• A wall of skulls. Sometimes, you'll be walking through a museum, and you'll think: "These displays are very nice, but I was really hoping for a floor-to-ceiling monument to death." Not a problem at the Mutter! Just find the wall of brain samples from the criminally insane, then turn around. You can't miss it.
• Human leather. Nowadays, if you make any kind of personal posession out of another human being, then you get your own special on MSNBC. But there was a more romantic and civilized time in this country, when respected men could make leather out of people, then use it in the binding for an anatomy textbook. And guess where you could see such a book? Awwwwww yeah.
• Siamese twins. The Mutter has not only a plaster cast of Chang and Eng -- the original Siamese twins -- but also the liver that they shared. This is relevant, in that one of the brothers was a surly drunk while the other was not. Also, did you know that they married sisters and had 22 kids between them? I bet you feel super bad about using Match.com now, huh?
• Megacolon. Sometimes the nerves in your colon shut off, stopping the peristaltic motion needed to move waste matter through your digestive system. Those who doubt the resilience of the human body would assume these leads to quick death. Those who visit the Mutter Museum knows it leads to a colon as thick as telephone pole and about five feet long, on display in the Mutter Museum after a slow, painful death. This actually happens! There are some people who actually allow their colon (or ovarian cyst, or whatever) to get this big! "I can't drop those last 125 holiday pounds," they might say. "I wonder if it has anything to do with me not going to the bathroom for the last 8 months ... hmm ... Nah. Pass the cheese."
• A lady whose body has turned to soap. Sadly, this is not in the bathroom next to a lady whose body has turned to paper towels, but it's still kind of neat. She's in the "Han Solo in carbonite" pose.

It is a tremendous collection, from the shrunken heads on down. It is a museum that preserves not only medical specimens, but also my hope that doctors will one day be able to clone Grover Cleveland without having to desecrate his grave, then run him for a third term on a bipartisan ticket with a clone of James Garfield. But I must take issue with one display.

I can handle fetuses in jars or diseased genitalia samples. But the jar of extracted kidney stones may be the most evil object on the entire planet. Concentrating that much suffering in one location might open a portal to a hell, allowing the armies of Satan to run roughshod o'er the mortal plane. This jar should be either destroyed or featured prominently in a comedy/horror screenplay.

That aside, I have to recommend this fine establishment. Though you cannot take pictures inside, it is the kind of institution that sells a megacolon postcard in the gift shop, right by the Gingerbread Siamese Twin cookie cutters. Truly, it was the best Boxing Day ever.

Tags: museums

What did the Founding Fathers smell like?

In my latest McSweeney's column, I tackle the pressing and vital issue of whether George Washington stank. This is the sort of thing you'll need to know before you take your time machine anywhere, so get reading, amigos.

And if you think this isn't a serious enterprise, know that I consulted some experts and spent some serious cash to get to the bottom of this.

Tags: presidents

Movie Review: Youth in Revolt

Some spoilers here. Be warned.

Here's your story: Nick, 16-year-old virgin with virtually no friends and a crappy home life (divorced parents, slutty mom) falls in love with Sheeni, a manipulative hipster girl (religious fanatics for parents) while on vacation. In order to live closer to her and have sex with her, he has to be "bad." In theory this will get him sent away from his mom, and it has the added bonus of turning the girl on.

So -- in the interest of having sex -- he ruins his mom's life and his dad's life. He causes several million dollars in property damage. He intentionally ruins the life of the girl he claims to love (in part by drugging her); he horribly mistreats and strings along another girl in order to ruin his girlfriend's life; he pretty much erases any chance he'll have of going to college and leaving the world he hates. Again, this is just so he can have sex for the first time.

This monomania could all be very funny if Nick was remotely likable. But instead, he's a high school hipster! If you don't know what a hipster is, that's the kind of person who rejects mainstream culture, then spends a lot of effort making sure that YOU KNOW that you're being rejected; they really care that everyone else knows that they don't care what everyone else thinks. Both Nick and Sheeni talk in such a way that, if you met them on the street, you'd feel the urge to punch them within three minutes. To emphasize how different they are, everyone else in the movie is a barely functioning cretin.

High-school snobs don't make for sympathetic heroes. I suppose it's possible that Nick has been horribly mistreated by everyone in his life, and the "revolt" is merely revenge. Maybe that back story is in the book version. But in the movie, all we see is a disturbingly lucid and calculated effort to obliterate the happiness of just about everyone important in Nick's life. He has no regard for anyone else and shows no real remorse for his actions (the Michael Cera monotone doesn't really help in this regard). Sheeni comes off like a cruel bitch for putting him up to it.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think you need someone to be happy for as the credits start to roll. I definitely laughed at a few of the simpler moments -- there are two very funny car crash sequences -- but for a comedy, the whole thing needs a bit more warmth.

Tags: movies

New Podcast: Werner's toast

Sometimes you just have to do things for yourself. In this case, I've obtained audio footage of acclaimed German director Werner Herzog ("Grizzly Man," "Rescue Dawn") making a wedding toast for his good friends Gary and Linda. It's some touching, romantic stuff.

You can get the file right here, or subcribe to the podcast through iTunes and you'll just get this sort of thing automatically downloaded.

And this really won't be funny if you've never seen a Werner Herzog movie, so click accordingly.

Tags: movies

Frozen Fenway

Hockey is a fine sport that requires amazing skill and endurance, but it has one great flaw: very few hot dog vendors. Sure, you can go to the concourse and get a hot dog. But who wants to get up? If I wanted exercise, I'd play sports, not watch them.

On Friday that great injustice was remedied. Boston College took on Boston University -- the college equivalent of Israel vs. Palestine -- and I was there, eating a hot dog purchased from a roaming vendor. The hot dog alone made it a special evening, but as an added bonus the game was outdoors in Friendly Fenway Park. It was about 20 degrees and snowing, and I was with 30,000 of my closest friends.

It's strange to see hockey in a ballpark. Imagine going to the zoo, and when you get to the lion cage, there's a mime in there. Then as you're watching, the mime get mauled by a lion. Being a professional, he refuses to scream for help, but instead uses hand gestures to express how much agony he's in, until his head finally disappears inside the lion's mouth. It's nothing like that at all, but what a fun visual, right?

Our tickets were on the third base line in the lower deck. Ordinarily I like being up high for a hockey game -- seeing the whole ice helps you appreciate how plays develop. But something magical about Fenway made the lower deck the place to be. Maybe it was the view of the Green Monster. Maybe it was the fact that the upper deck was windy, and about 20 degrees colder. Who knows? Some other magical observations:

Pep bands. Both the BC and BU pep bands were in attendance, playing from their spots in the stands. If you've never played a brass instrument outside in the cold, here's what happens: the horn is cold, your breath is hot, and when the two touch there's immediate condensation. All the water then rolls back to your face, which chaps your lips and makes it very painful to play. Of course, since you're outside at a sporting event, you have to play even louder to be heard, which usually means pressing harder and more painfully against the horn. You suffer for three straight hours, you can't wander off from your seat, and (trust me) no one will be impressed enough with your effort to make out with your chapped, bruised face after the game. And yet both bands toughed it out, kicking out arrangements of today's urban radio hits for all three periods. I salute you, pep bands! And speaking of urban radio hits, the only black person we spotted the whole night was a player for BU. Hockey! In Boston!

Standing. Nobody in the lower deck sat down; we stood for the whole game. You might think that we stood to help mobility, so that our toes would not turn black and fall off. Possibly. Or maybe everyone in the ballpark just loved hockey that damn much.

Shirtless people. You always expect some shirtless people at Fenway, but not in January. There were quite a few college students with their shirts off, reminding me that I am very glad to be done with college. Besides, if I take my shirt off in public, there's usually rioting of some sort. I have to alert the National Guard before I go to the beach. These are the burdens I live with.

Hot stuff. You know what goes well with hot dogs? Hot chocolate. It a shotgun wedding in my stomach, but the wedding night didn't seem too rowdy.

The only disappointments on the night were BC taking the loss, and no one in the crowd offering their spontaneous thoughts on the quality of the New York Yankees. I can now scratch "outdoor hockey" off of my sports wishlist. I do not know when I will see a baseball game played entirely on ice, but after my time at Fenway, that dream seems a little closer.

The Blockbuster staff recommends drama

Brian recommends FIRST KNIGHT. Lady Guinevere realizes that King Arthur is sort of a creepy, boring control freak and finds herself drawn to the much cooler Lancelot. She tries to fight it, but Lancelot is so much better looking and laid back that Guinevere can't keep it in her pants. Even though Arthur runs the place. Great action, hot romance.

Jen recommends FATAL ATTRACTION. A stupid fling, which seems fun at first, is recognized as a horrible, horrible mistake when someone gets clingy and majorly insane. Basically, something that could have been fun goes south in a hurry because someone can't let it go or keep their mouth shut. It's really serious stuff. People die.

Pete recommends THE GOOD GIRL. A misunderstood loner finds out that his best friend's hot lady is a total skank who cheats with a co-worker. So he blackmails her into having sex with him! He gets away with it then the other guy dies. A great movie on so many levels.

Phil recommends THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS. Against a backdrop of sex and workplace intrigue, a relatively new hire rises to a position of great power in a matter of weeks by shrewdly manipulating his distracted co-workers. Sweet Night Ranger songs on the soundtrack, too.

Mary recommends BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. In essence, the story of people who have so many secrets that it starts affecting their job performance. It's serious stuff. People die.

Joe recommends OTHELLO. A boss has a great girl, great buddies and career success. I haven't watched the whole thing yet, but man, Orson Welles in blackface is hilarious!

Tags: sports, movies

December Mourning

Some people might wonder why this blog essentially disappeared in December. Long story short, there was a fist-sized hole in the oil pan of my car. And the thing about fist-sized holes in oil pans is, they are not that good for cars. Apparently your car actually NEEDS oil to move, or the engine will totally be obliterated within 10 feet. My understanding is that if you somehow made it 15 feet with no oil, the friction in your engine would actually rip a hole in the very fabric of reality. A portal to Hell would be revealed, a demonic host would issue forth, and those demons would take one look at your engine and feel so much pity toward you that they would forget about setting the world on fire slink back to Hell and have some green tea.

So auto manufacturers, as a failsafe, make sure that your unoiled engine is destroyed within 10 feet. Ten feet! German engineering my ass.

Some people might wonder how my oil pan acquired this fist-sized hole. Well, I was driving through the District of Columbia (a planned community!), as I often do. And there was road construction on 11th St. NW, as there often is. The road bed was actually stripped down a few inches because of this construction. Now, for some reason, there is a 30 foot stretch on 11th St. NW where there are six manholes, all in the northbound lane. Why are there six manholes within 30 feet? I don't know. Maybe the utility grid was designed by prairie dogs, or maybe several of the manholes are access ports to various locations in Narnia. Whatever the reason, the important thing is that none of the manhole covers were now even with the road surface.

Usually, that's not a big deal, because the good folks in charge of construction zones would not let you drive over any road hazard that would, oh, OBLITERATE YOUR CAR AND CAUSE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN DAMAGES. But not this time! My oil pan somehow caught one of the covers and was destroyed, so all the oil fell out of my car in about 4 seconds.

And let's not forget the best part of this whole process: making the insurance claim, and being informed that it was my fault. Yes, I recklessly drove at 25 miles per hour down the middle of an open lane in decent weather, and I completely failed to avoid a hazard that 99.999999 percent of the time would not be a hazard. I am a huge jerk, and I am glad that the car insurance company that I have paid about $14,000 in premiums over the last 12 years while making no claims put me in my place as a crappy, irresponsible driver. Thank god they looked past my gross negligence long enough to cover a chunk of the repair costs. God bless them.

The whole mess made me take some time off to reflect on what an irresponsible (and possibly broke) person I have become, and so the blog fell by the wayside as I ritually flagellated myself with a timing belt five times a day.

But it's all better now! At least until my transmission falls out at a red light during rush hour.

Tags: car

New Podcast: Fun Science Facts

It's been a few years, but here's a new episode of Fun Science Facts! This time out, the acclaimed educational program is teaching kids about electricity -- in a fun way! Find out about the magical juice that makes our world go go go go go!

You can get the file right here, or subcribe to the podcast through iTunes and you'll just get this sort of thing automatically downloaded.

You can get the other three episodes of Fun Science Facts over at the MP3 page.

Close the Door

R.I.P. Teddy Pendergrass. Of all the great soul and funk musicians crippled in horrible accidents, you were in the top two. Say hi to Curtis Mayfield for us.

Everyone, be sure to love your woman extra good tonight in honor of Teddy. He would have wanted it that way.

Tonight's the Night

It's very strange that regular people are so emotionally invested in the "Tonight Show" mess, in which a man will be paid $30 million TO GET FIRED. When most of us can't have our dream job, all we can turn to is drinking, or murder-suicide attempts, or verbally abusing our children. Conan O'Brien will get $30 million, and he'll probably get to work anywhere he wants. That's strange, right? NBC could have fired him at any point during his initial year hosting "Late Night," and no one would have blinked. He'd have gone back into the comedy woodwork, probably as a faceless writer or producer. But they stuck with him, they let him grow into a star, and now he has $30 MILLION, plus he's off the hook as the guy who might have killed the "Tonight Show." (The ratings might have recovered, but in this age, who knows?)

But then again, I think it's strange that people watch Letterman, who usually seems to hate his job.

I think I'm completely out of the loop.

Tags: podcast

Fala la la la

What's sadder: That this place exists, or that I am very interested in visiting it within this calendar year?

Tags: presidents

New Podcast: Jazz Stories

How about an new long-form installment of "Jazz Stories," huh? What? You have no interest whatsover? Then what am I going to do with this new long-form installment of Jazz Stories, in which trombonist Oscar Prince talks about some of the travel opportunities jazz has given him.

Huh?

Just go listen to it, already.

Trivia tonight

If you're in DC and looking to get your trivia on, we have a supersized edition of Happy Hour Trivia this evening at the DC Improv. It's in the main showroom, so we will be able to seat more people than usual. Come join the fun!

I'm a PC, and I'm a Fat Slob

I like PCs. I don't like the whole smug culture built up around Macs. But there is absolutely NO ARGUING that Microsoft has the worst ad campaigns ever. Jerry Seinfeld, Mojave ... and now, for Windows 7 ...

Someone dumpy and unattractive explains to the camera that they had a "great idea" which is, in fact, a very simple operating principle (you can have two windows open on the screen at once! Whee!). They are shown in the moment of their epiphany, only instead of them, it's some chiseled guy DRESSED like them (implying that they are delusional). Then they say Windows 7 was "my idea."

So, Windows 7 was put together by ugly, computer-illiterate delusional people? That doesn't make me want to finally take XP off my desktop machine. Billions of dollars and this is the best you can come up with? It's like cheering for the Eagles. Sigh.

Tags: podcast

From the Desk of my Brothers

Older brother Dave passes along this fine page of artwork inspired by ... well, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. I don't know if it's art, but I know what I like.

Younger brother Steve passes along America Bowl, a blog in which the 44 presidents are pitted against the 44 Super Bowls, one day at a time. It's thoroughly stupid and thoroughly entertaining, especially if you're me.

Tags: links

Easy for You to Say

So, I watched the Conan farewell speech, and it was nice. But when people say, "work hard and be nice and amazing things happen," it's a lie.

You know who always says that? The people who were lucky enough to have amazing things happen. If you worked hard, and were very nice, but never got some lucky break, then you aren't in a position to make those kinds of speeches to a wide audience. No one ever says, "Cross your fingers and try to enjoy whatever happens, since you can't control it all."

And forget luck! Conan obviously worked very hard to seize the opportunities around him. He did well for himself. But say he didn't go to Harvard and work on the Lampoon. Suppose he went to UMass Lowell. He could have been just as smart, been just as nice and worked twice as hard, but without that Lampoon pipeline, his career trajectory probably would have been a LOT different. He might have been a happy, successful guy, but he wouldn't have hosted the Tonight Show.

No matter what industry you work in, you know there are THOUSANDS of decent, hard-working people who never got over the hump. And there are tons of awful people with middling talent who have gone all the way to the top. So many things factor into success. Better to just work hard, be nice, and enjoy whatever ride you happen to get.

New Podcast: Al Madrigal

The first 2010 installment of the DC Improv podcast is operational. I talked to Al, who was on the short-lived show "Welcome to the Captain." He also does guest spots on "Gary Unmarried" and has had his own Comedy Central special. A very nice guy, with some pretty good stories about what can go wrong at a comedy show. He also chats a bit about his old job -- firing people, like George Clooney from "Up in the Air." Neat stuff!

You can download it over at the podcast page.

Tags: showbusiness, podcast

Trivia Recap: 1/20

The Improv's main showroom was open (the show in there got canceled), so we headed into the bigger space for a supersized edition of trivia. 22 teams competed, with something like 150 total people. So -- not as cozy as usual, but way more competition! We started off with a music round (matching songs to movie soundtracks). "January Jones" had trivia about people, magazines and songs with the name "Jones" included. "20 10" alternated questions about the number 20 and the number 10. And "Your Name in Lights" was a worksheet that gave you the real name of a celebrity, leaving their stage name for your to provide.

By virtue of bringing about 300 people for their team, The Cosmo Centerfolds took first place (37 out of 45). Gym, Tan, Laundry put up a 33, as did the Golden Triangle Gun Club -- but the guidos won a dance-off to take the second spot. Here they are in order of finish:

The next trivia night is Feb. 10. See you there!

Synergy

I think it's wonderful that Michael Phelps is finally getting sponsorships again. And I think it's even better that he's a pitchman for Subway. Because after huge bong hits, he probably loves him some big sandwiches.

Phil Splotnik and the Lightning Thief

You know why magical things only happen to teenagers? Here's why.

A 43-year-old pudgy man in a short-sleeved business shirt is hunched over a stack of papers at his office desk, working late. Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and Hermes appears.

HERMES: Phil Splotnik! I come bearing a message from Mount Olympus!

PHIL: Wow! How did you get in here without a security badge? And where are your pants?

HERMES: Phil Splotnik! The gods themselves summon you to their side! Darkness descends upon us and you alone can brighten the path forward!

PHIL: Oh. OK. Well, I guess that's flattering. But this really isn't a good time.

HERMES: Phil Splotnik! Know that you are not Phil Splotnik! The father you have never known is in fact mighty Hephaestus, blacksmith of the gods! And now he calls upon you to ...

PHIL: Wait, my dad is alive?

HERMES: Phil Splotnik! He lives yet, but time is of the essence! You must ...

PHIL: Why the hell didn't he pay child support? Jesus, me and mom lived in a trailer! We used to eat dog food!

HERMES: Uh, well, the thing about that is, Phil Splotnik, that ... well, personal finances are complicated when the transactions are on an alternate plane of existence. I myself am often stung by ATM fees, and ...

PHIL: Well, forget it. I'm not interested.

HERMES: But Phil Splotnik! A nefarious force has stolen the lightning bolts of Zeus himself! And in their weakened state, the gods look to you to save the world. Take your rightful place among the clouds, Phil Splotnik! Save this mortal world to which you are bound!

PHIL: Uh, geez. Well, I guess I'll get my datebook.

HERMES: Take my hand, Phil Splotnik! We leave now!

PHIL: Now? Oh, no. That's not happening.

HERMES: But, Phil Splotnik!

PHIL: I only have four days of vacation left this year. There's no way my supervisor is going to sign off on this. Half the office is at a conference in Tulsa right now.

HERMES: Eternal darkness, Phil Splotnik! Did I mention the eternal darkness?

PHIL: Well, then you should have thought of this before tax season. I'm totally slammed here. But look, while you're here, who does the accounting for Mount Olympus? I mean, it's busy, but if I land a new account it could be a big boost.

HERMES: Uh ...

PHIL: Look, I'm not going to pressure you here. It's not like I'm owed anything by my deadbeat father who was fine with his son going to Maricopa County Community College.

HERMES: I ... uh ... well, why don't you just give me your card.

PHIL: Great. And again, I'd love to help you out, but even if I could use that vacation I have a colonscopy on Tuesday, and I just can't miss that.

HERMES: No, of course you can't.

PHIL: Super. Do me a favor and close the door on your way out.

Tags: trivia

Who Would Win in a Fight?

O joyous day, another McSweeney's column is now online! A few weeks ago, I asked some Facebook friends: who would win in a fight between all the presidents? Well, we've crunched the numbers, and the scientific, undeniable answer is ...

HA! Fat chance. You'll have to read the column to find out.

Some free advice

Last Monday I had an important lunch meeting with people I wanted to impress. I ordered the BBQ chicken sandwich. It was delicious, but it was one of those sandwiches where you had to unhinge your jaw to take a bite. Plus, it was covered with messy BBQ sauce, which I should have figured from the title. Now, I am a very impressive person with charming conversational skills. But no one is quite as impressive when they have half a bottle of BBQ sauce on their face and hands.

But I'm a man who learns from his mistakes, so at my important lunch meeting today, I ordered a lamb sausage sandwich. It was the messiest thing on the menu, and my face and hands were undoubtedly smeared with sauce.

So, my free advice to you: at the start of any lunch meeting, announce loudly that you are a hog. That should smooth things over.

Tags: presidents

You'd Rather Be in Philadelphia

Hey champions! Greetings from my hometown. I am here performing at Helium, one of the finest comedy establishments in all the land. If you'd like to get in on the good times, there's one show tonight and two on both Friday and Saturday.

Wednesday's show had some fun moments. Most of the crowd was from some kind of a fundraising event -- they had showed up around six and started drinking. By showtime (eight) a big chunk of the audience was plastered. When the crowd is super drunk, here's how it goes: the emcee usually has to rope them in, so it's a slow start. By the end of 15 minutes, they're usually understanding that it's a comedy show, and people are laughing. When the feature (me) comes out, they're really, really into it -- paying attention, keeping quiet, having a great time. That lasts for about 20 minutes.

And then the bottom falls out! Booze is to attention as water is to a mountain. Give it time and booze will always win. So the last 10 minutes, the feature has to hop around like a monkey to keep people focused. Then the headliner -- often the funniest, most experienced person in the building -- has to eat a crap sandwich for 45 minutes. Drew Hastings actually did a great job with about 90 percent of the crowd, but there were a few people just too far gone. One guy in the back was getting vocal during my set, and about halfway through Drew's it was getting too disruptive. (He wasn't mean, but he was too loud.) I was walking back into the showroom as security was nudging him to the door, and he recognized me. And then hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.

In these situations, you want to say something -- a flip comment, or "what the hell?" I said nothing. And I'm glad, because it turns out he was a professional light heavyweight boxer (I found this out when he asked me to pose for a picture in the lobby). Nice guy, as it turns out. There are not many jobs where you go to work and get kissed by a light heavyweight boxer, but I have one of them. So there.

Booyakah

Wednesday night's show also featured maybe my best ad libbing ever. We pick up this scene right after I have pitched my CD. I am getting ready to start my last five minutes.

CHRIS: ... so please feel free to say hi after the show. That being said ...

GUY IN THE CROWD: Having said that!

CHRIS: Excuse me?

GUY: It's "Having said that," not "That being said!"

CHRIS: No one likes being corrected. You don't want to mess with me. I got mad grammar skills.

GUY: Having said that!

CHRIS: WHOM do you think you're talking to?

GUY: Oh yeah, what's a gerund?

CHRIS (within a second): It's the noun form of a verb.

And then I spent about 30 seconds screaming like I had just dunked on him. Muscle poses, the Omega, a crotch grab ... and the crowd LOVED it. Sad that it will never happen again, but that's also what makes live comedy worth seeing.

SOTU

I missed Obama's speech, from what I can tell on the Web, if you're conservative you thought it was shameless pandering, and if you're liberal you put it just behind the Sermon on the Mount.

So, did he mention any tax breaks for me, specifically?

Tags: stand-up, Philadelphia