Tag: TV

Yikes: American TV is often reserved for the beautiful, or at least not hideous, people. So when flipping channels, you really take notice when you come across Wendy Williams. Oddly enough, she looked OK when she was just a radio host, and now between botox and plastic surgery she is painful. Really, she now looks like Helena Bonham Carter. In "Planet of the Apes." With DD boobs. Yikes. (July 29, 2009)

Lingo: Any true student of the human condition watches a lot of Game Show Network. My roommate and I, some evenings, decompress from our awful, salt-mine days by taking in "Lingo," which serves, at the very least, as proof that Chuck Woolery is probably a robot. I think he could actually host the show in his sleep, and I'm not entirely convince that he isn't. Chuck might, in fact, be a creature willed into existence by our collective conscience for the sole purpose of hosting game shows. He doesn't age. More important, however: I'm pretty sure that "Lingo" is the gayest gameshow on television. As in, at least half the contestants are gay. They're either gay couples, two gay friends, or a gay guy with his best female friend who secretly wishes he was straight. Watch it and tell me if I'm wrong. Either the producers do all their contestant recruiting in gay-friendly L.A. neighborhoods ... or gay subculture has made a conscious decision to take over "Lingo." But why? Because they love irony? Because they love kitsch? Because they love Chuck? Was it pressure from the religious right that led to the end of "Lingo"? I need answers. By the way, they have another new version of "The Newlywed Game," but judging from commercials, I think they left out the best part: the euphemism "Makin' Whoopee." Next time you are in the throes of passion (with a partner), do me a favor: yell out "WHOOPEE!" Then e-mail me afterwards to let me know what happened next. I need answers. It's Harder Than It Looks When people find out I am a comedian from D.C., they always ask if (or assume that) I do political jokes. I don't, because it's not something I generally laugh about, and also, because it's a lot harder that it looks. A few people are raking Wanda Sykes over the coals for her gig at the White House Press Correspondents Dinner. I actually saw her set live -- the night before, when she stopped in for a practice run at the D.C. Improv. In a comedy club setting (you know, where you would find comedians), most of the jokes went over just fine, and nothing made the crowd uncomfortably silent or hostile. I'll put it this way: I'm a Republican, I can be sort of pissy about it, and I still wasn't offended by anything. But swap out a comedy club audience for a bunch of reporters, politicians and super-hyper-sensitive people in the public eye, and you get the awkwardness. Political comedy (or even just jokes about politics) is almost IMPOSSIBLE to do to a broad audience -- if you want to make everyone happy, you have to be so bland that it's not really worth writing the joke. But if you say what you think, you're basically going to lose huge swaths of the crowd. That's why, if you watch something like, oh, a Margaret Cho show, it's more of a rally -- no casual observers, just likeminded people -- and therefore a complete puzzlement to anyone not sharing those views. Plus, if you're smart enough to write a joke about a political subject, then you're also smart enough to know why your point of view might be wrong ... which sort of kills a lot of internal logic of your joke. Anything beyond "Bush is dumb" or "Clinton is horny," and the limb you're on starts creaking. Etc. etc. and so forth. Basically, it's REALLY HARD to do well. And so the greatest mystery, to me, is why event planners have no concept of what they're signing up for. The White House Correspondent's Dinner had Steven Colbert a few years back, you may recall, and then quite a few people were horrified when he ... acted like Steven Colbert. Same deal this year with Wanda Sykes. These people aren't unknown commodities. A comedian hired for a gig has some professional obligation to bend toward the demands of the event, but at the same time, if you want someone to mow your lawn, do you pick they guy with the lawnmower, or the dude holding two samurai swords? OK, bad example. Of course you'd pick the sword guy. But you catch my drift. (May 12, 2009)

Advice for the Guys: Hey fellas. If you're in a bad relationship right now, here's the plan: 1) Invite your girl to the movies this weekend. 2) Tell her you'd like to see "He's Just Not That Into You." 3) Ask her to meet you at the theater. 4) Don't show up. If there is a god ... He'll keep MTV on the air for 18 more years, so that MTV can produce a dating reality built around those octuplets. And all the octuplets will be bisexual. And it will be called "8-Ball of Love." (February 6, 2009)

Boop ... Beep ... Boop ...: For fans of "24" seeking my "insider" Washington "knowledge," judging from the exterior shots in last night's episode, the terrorist command center is in ... THE CANADIAN EMBASSY! Canada is quiet. Too quiet. And now we know why. I enjoyed that a terrorist command center was in office building with other tenants. That would probably make for uncomfortable elevator conversation: "Could you press 3 with the nozzle of your uzi, please? Oh yeah -- are you guys the ones who keep leaving severed fingers in the trash in the hall bathroom? If you could cut that out, and maybe also stop stabbing the FedEx guy every time he comes to our floor, we'd really appreciate it." I Take Requests 5 The hour of judgment is nigh, as "I Take Requests 5" comes to the Black Box Theatre in Indian Head, Maryland, this Saturday! I'm pumped. It's the first time ITR has left the DC Improv, and I'm hoping that it travels well. The black box holds 84, and from what I gather at least some of those seats will be filled -- if you're in Southern Maryland and you're looking for a cheap good time, head on over to the Indian Head Black Box site and get yourself some tickets. $10 gets you stand-up, videos and a trivia contest -- not a bad for one evening. If you can't make the show, but you know anyone in that area who might be interested, please spread the word -- I always appreciate the help. See you Saturday! Prepare to be stunned Ever since childhood I've appreciated the power of animation to change a life. Who can forget the sense of wonder, adventure and limitless possibility that filled their heart during their first Disney movie? Who can deny the artistry and bold visions of the Japanese masters? Who hasn't had their life enriched by the sweet, thoughtful masterpieces from the wizards at Pixar? Now I know that all that was meaningless, for I have seen the pinnacle of animation -- a creation so stunning and inspiring that to see it is to know that the only limitations in our universe are those we place on our very souls. Behold the hippo. (February 3, 2009)

Whatever: For reasons not entirely clear to me, the last three Sundays I have watched "Tool Academy" and "Rock of Love: Bus." In most circumstances, this would be deeply shameful, but "Rock of Love: Bus" has maybe the most inspiring personality in television history. Her name is Ashley. She looks like Paris Hilton with breast implants and hair extensions, she's a raging alcoholic, and she talks like a valley girl with none of the pleasant ditzy qualities. Also, she might be pure evil. I say "might," because it's possible that she realizes saying horrible things greatly increases her chances of getting her own VH1 show after "Rock of Love: Bus" ends. The highlight thus far: a girl falls off a four foot stage, possibly crippling herself. Ashley's (paraphrased) comment: "If you're gonna date Brett Michaels, you have to deal with falling off a stage, bitch." Apparently, this happens all the time if you date rock stars. They throw you off the stage for spite. If Ashley does get her own show, I would like to to be in the "Best Week Ever" format, only Ashley comments on history's greatest atrocities. As in, "If you're gonna be a poor Chinese person in Nanking, you have to deal with getting raped and mutilated by the Japanese army, bitch." Someone, anyone -- make this happen. Please. (January 26, 2009)