Back Home from Home

I am back in Washington. Thanks to everyone in Philadelphia who came out to the show -- always nice to hear friends and family laughing in the audience. I hope you got your money's worth.

Among the many pleasant aspects of the weekend was a chance to meet one Mr. Doogie Horner, the emcee for the weekend. Doogie has a very distinctive comedic voice, and also a hellacious beard. He's also the guy who did the cover art for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters). Plus he has a book in the works that will fully mine the comedic value of flow charts. He's a very, very interesting dude. Do yourself a favor and google his name -- you can see a few of his charts online.

More Fun With Automobiles

We had some snow in Philly -- just enough to make the housing development where my parents live almost undriveable. I was struggling to get to a main road, tires spinning a bit, and suddenly the "ABS" light starts beeping on my display panel.

Apparently, my car noticed that I have been lax on my sit-up routine. We all try to stay in shape -- and I was definitely inspired by "Jersey Shore" -- but sometimes exercise gets lost in my busy schedule of sleeping and not working very hard. This was more upsetting than December, when the small "oil lamp" light turned on, indicating that my car was low on magic genies. As they must be imported from the Middle East, genies are not cheap.

Another possible explanation, floated by the Jetta manual, is that ABS stands for "anti-lock braking system." But that would probably cost a lot of money to fix. So I stuck with my original diagnosis and made my way into downtown Philadelphia, flexing muscles as I drove. And sure enough, the light magically went out after about half an hour.

I have been attempting to learn more about my car, so that I can perform my own diagnosis and repairs. But it is very difficult when you don't know the terminology. For example, do you know what a solenoid is? Apparently it's very important. My current guess is that it's a very cool, suave black robot which somehow improves the sound of R and B on my stereo. If this isn't the case, I don't want to know, because I like my version just fine.

Tags: comedy

Breaking News

Promising a "solid future for America," President Obama signed a $62.4 billion odd jobs bill this afternoon at a Rose Garden ceremony.

The initiative provides a massive infusion to the struggling economy, for the purpose of painting fences, evening-out table legs and oiling the crap that needs to get oiled. "The cracks in our economy's foundation are troubling," Obama said, "but now they will be weed-free for the first time in months."

Reactions on Capitol Hill were mixed. "I cannot condone this spending in a time of soaring deficits," said Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire, the top Republican on the Budget Committee. "But the leaves in the Capitol gutters are like, totally turning black. It's nasty, and I'm not getting up at 8 a.m. on Sunday to handle that s***."

More than $23 billion will go to the purchase of 3-day-old bagels and muffins, which will be exchanged for the stump pulling, shed builiding and screen-door hanging covered under the program. Around $20 billion goes to rail infrastructure and cars to transport workers across the country. And $19.4 billion is designated as "scratch money, for parts and hooch and whatnot." Combined with the recently passed whitewash tax credit, the total economic impact is estimated at $100 billion.

The International Brotherhood of Hobos and Vagrants applauded the signing. "The devasating recession has deferred too many dreams," said IBHV President Patches Malone. "No longer will ditches go undug, nor holes unfilled. The promise of America is still strong. Uh, where's the nearest liquor store?"

Tags: politics