Snow Day, Feb. 6

Enjoy! Here's an evil snowman, Andrew Jackson, and two guys PUSHING A BUS.

On the (Snowy) Town

Hey -- guy jogging in two feet of snow. I like jogging. I came to it later in life, and I am no expert. My bosoms heave a great deal as I jog. But I, like the Doobie Brothers, sincerely understand the joys of getting off the treadmill and taking it to the streets. I even jog outside when it's cold! But you are an idiot. We get it, you're in shape. Now, you aren't like that jerk across the street jogging in short shorts. But that's where you're headed. Slow down before you get there.

Hey -- people in snow shoes. We've all had buyer's remorse. Most of the instances in my life involve t-shirts with logos, but I've even sunk $300 on a 19-inch flat screen TV with a crappy picture. My boogie board hasn't gotten much use in the last 18 years. And hey, we want to get some use out of those money pits. But as I make my way through Chinatown, I can't help but notice that I am outpacing you wearing low-end trail-runners with severely eroded tread. And, let's be frank, I'm not THAT athletic. That should be a hint.

Hey -- people wearing cross-country skis in the city. You're making the snow shoe people look good.

Hey -- guy walking around town in the snow judging people like a jerk. Stop looking so handsome, you scamp.

Tags: snow

You Be the Judge

A few doors down from me lives a couple with 3-year-old twins. After the storm, they dug out their car. On Sunday they had to run an errand with their kids. On their return one hour later, they found that someone had parked in the space they cleared. They did not recognize the car.

They left a note on the windshield, explaining that they had cleared the spot, and that they needed to park in front of their house for the sake of their young kids. Later in the day, they noticed that the note had been removed from the windshield and torn up. The remnants were visible inside the stranger's car.

I learned all this while shoveling out my own car Sunday afternoon. The mother of the twins was relating it to a plow driver she had flagged down. "Money!" she yelled, and the man pulled over. They did not want help clearing out a new spot, she explained. Then her husband took over. "I want to bury him," he said, while gesturing to the stranger's car.

It didn't take long. The plow made a few passes and rammed a mountain of solid-pack snow against the driver's side of the stranger's car. Then the couple went inside.

About 40 minutes later, a young man walked past me, got up to the buried car, and yelled (very loudly, with children just across the street) "F**K!" He got into his car through the passenger side, started it, tried to gun his way from the spot and saw that his car was going nowhere. He walked back up the street and asked me, "What happened here?"

I said I didn't know, and that plows had been coming regularly up and down the street. He asked if I had an extra shovel, which I didn't. So he trudged to the hardware store a few blocks away and came back with a new shovel. Then he started shoveling out his car, not by throwing the snow in some kind of pile, but by whipping it into the middle of the street. When I went inside 20 minutes later, he was still working.

I can't decide if this is an example of society working perfectly, or horribly.

Snowed in

Sometimes weather drives us to horrible things, like cannibalism. On Saturday, I suffered a much worse fate: I had to watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."

Oh god. The screams ...

Tags: snow

Rest Insured

Facebook ads are obviously designed to target individual users. I'm not sure what this one is trying to say.

Going by the picture, I'm guessing that guy does not qualify for the $49 a month rate. Also, it occurs to me that Geico could lower rates even further if they stopped spending $16 billion a year on ad campaigns.

Trivia Rescheduled

For fans of Happy Hour Trivia -- the approaching third end of the world has forced us to reschedule Happy Hour Trivia for Feb. 10. We're pushing everything back two weeks, to Wednesday, Feb. 24. If you want to keep your reservation (or need to change the size of it, etc.) be sure to e-mail trivia@dcstandup.com as soon as possible. Thanks!

Hammerin' Hank

Let's take a minute and think about the amazing career of one Mr. Hank Baskett. He was the fourth receiver on the Philadelphia Eagles. He somehow started dating Kendra from "The Girls Next Door," eventually taking her away from Hef. He knocked up Kendra and became a (sort-of) reality TV star, but he was also cut by the Eagles. Somehow, he ended up on the Colts roster, specifically on special teams.

And then he opened the second half of the Super Bowl by falling into an onside kick like a drunk toddler lunging at a coffee table. Armless people could have looked more graceful trying to catch the ball in their teeth. The Saints go on to win.

Hank, you have lived the hell out of your 15 minutes. May basic cable always have a place for you.

Tags: trivia

Movie Review: Avatar

Right up front: I really wanted to hate this movie. At a party, it's more fun to be the guy who complains about popular movies, especially if there's a science fiction theme. Nerds will take a challenge to their favorite movie as an assault on their entire worldview, so they go straight into nerd berzerker rage. It never ends with violence, but instead some kind of a challenge to play Guitar Hero to defend your honor. And then you have an opening to mock Guitar Hero.

But "Avatar" wasn't bad! I usually don't like the combination of live action and CGI; computer environments almost always seem slightly off. Even if you're accepting the fact that it's an alien planet, once you know it's entirely inside a computer, it will never look "real." This however, was easily the best CGI I've ever seen in any movie, with the best use of 3D. And they didn't skimp by putting all the fun in an office park. It's mostly jungle, so they have to color to the edges of the page. There's no "wow" factor to CGI action -- it's pretty, but on a computer there are no stunts -- but the action sequences are put together nicely. I think I have to echo every other review I've read and say that it's worth it to see this movie just to appreciate the technical achievements.

The story is crap; it's a rehash of "Dances With Wolves" and "The Last Samurai" with lots of corporation-bashing and heavy-handed eco-posturing. But it is well-acted, and the story did not anger me enough to make me forget about the effects. And more important, it gives you just enough ammo to anger those Guitar Hero nerds! SPOILER ALERT.

• Science has advanced enough to allow interstellar travel near the speed of light, cryogenic sleep, high-tech exo-skeletons and genetically engineered biological hosts into which consciousness can be transplanted. But the hero does not even have a motorized wheelchair.
• The evil corporation, despite having no morals and virtually no interest in the indigenous people of the planet, opts against an orbital bombardment. Spaceships are a slight tactical advantage when your opponents haven't advanced beyond bows.
• All the action takes place in a jungle where it never rains.
• On a planet swarming with flying carnivores, the primitive aliens opt to sleep in hammocks in a tree.
• The corporation has a multi-trillion dollar high-tech mining concern, but there doesn't seem to be any mining equipment or miners.
• There's so much bioluminesence that the entire jungle is like the sidewalk in the "Billie Jean" video.
• All the living things on the planet have some evolved some kind of biological USB port, but the only living thing that plugs in is the giant humanoid aliens.
• Despite a complete lack of advanced technology, all the aliens have perfectly white, straight teeth.

That's just the surface. If this movie wins best picture, I'll puke, but it is entertaining.

Tags: movies

What's Up With Log Cabins?

Happy Lincoln's birthday! In honor of our 16th president, I have devoted my latest McSweeney's column to the log cabin of Lincoln's birth and what makes it special. You can click on over and read it right here.

One great factoid about the presidents: the first one born in a hospital was ... Jimmy Carter. Before that, it was home birthing for all of them. With the exception of John Quincy Adams, who sprang fully grown from John Adams' temple.

And I would certainly be remiss if I didn't include this very important video:

Tags: presidents