February 15, 2010
Happy Presidents Day
Did you know ...
George Washington was excellent at tactical retreats, but he NEVER evacuated the dance floor.
Whatever John Adams lacked in charisma, he made up for by being shaped like a sack of potatoes.
Thomas Jefferson loved France, but he was never in love with France.
By virtue of his small stature and insanely hot wife, James Madison is commonly known as the Danny DeVito of presidents.
Yes, James Monroe quit college to fight in the American Revolution, but you quitting the University of Phoenix Online to pursue ultimate fighting is not the same thing.
John Quincy Adams sprang from his father's temple fully grown.
Before settling on "Old Hickory," Andrew Jackson tried the nicknames "Rotten Magnolia," "Crusty Pine," and "Sergeant Von Awesome."
Martin Van Buren was the origin of both "O.K." and "Look, I said O.K., so shut up about it already."
Though president for only a month, William Henry Harrison managed to get old man smell all over the White House.
John Tyler lived in the longest frame house in America. Seriously. Exciting guy, that John Tyler. Yup.
Manifest Destiny was cooked up mainly as a way for James Polk to impress chicks.
Zachary Taylor lived through four wars, only to be killed by a bowl of bad cherries. And that's why I never eat fruit, mom.
"Millard Fillmore" is a very awkward thing to yell out in a moment of passion.
Franklin Pierce's son was decapitated in a train wreck shortly before his inauguration, and his wife considered that God's punishment for Franklin aspiring to the presidency. So, relatively speaking, your marriage is a cakewalk.
We'll never know for sure if James Buchanan was gay, but we do know that asking about it is a great way to anger the tour guides at his house.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled as a youth, and it was his fervent hope that the seventh Lincoln-Douglas debate be held IN A STEEL CAGE.
Andrew Johnson only teases because he secretly likes you.
U.S. Grant knew no fear. He had been introduced to fear at a cocktail party once, but he was never that good at networking, plus the drinking affected his memory.
The "B" in Rutherford B. Hayes stands for Beyonce.
James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other simultaneously, and whenever he started, it was a good idea to grab your coat and find another party.
Chester A. Arthur would sometimes change pants several times a day, thanks to both his love of fashion, and his severe kidney problems.
In between White House stints, Grover Cleveland lived in Manhattan and worked as a bar back at Coyote Ugly.
After setting the record for longest presidency by a Harrison, Benjamin Harrison basically phoned it in the rest of the way.
William McKinley served under Rutherford Hayes in the Civil War. Hayes fired Chester Arthur from the New York customs house. Arthur was almost replaced by Theodore Roosevelt's dad. Roosevelt's dad was in "Footloose" with Kevin Bacon.
We all know that story about the teddy bear, but you should hear how Teddy Roosevelt lent his name to sexy nightgowns.
William Howard Taft was so much more than the fattest president. He was also the fattest military governor of the Philippines.
Woodrow Wilson loved vaudeville, and hated crippling strokes.
More than 100 love letters between Warren Harding and his primary mistress have been sealed by court order until 2023. So at least we have something to look forward to after the Chinese invade.
If you ask historians, they will tell you that Calvin "Silent Cal" Coolidge was not a ninja. Because that's how good of a ninja Calvin Coolidge was.
There's a little bit of Herbert Hoover in all of us. Not literally -- that would be disgusting.
Franklin Roosevelt contracted polio at a Boy Scouts event, and would have ordered them all into camps if they didn't enjoy that sort of thing.
Had Harry Truman lived long enough, he probably would have enjoyed the hits of Hall and Oates. Or nuked them. One of those.
The highlight of Dwight Eisenhower's tenure at Columbia University was the aquatic assault on Brown during homecoming weekend.
John Kennedy almost brought us to nuclear ruin, was unable to fulfill most of his campaign pledges and cheated on his wife a lot. But man, was he handsome!
Lyndon Johnson spent 25 percent of his presidency on his Texas ranch. So, there was a precedent.
Richard Nixon actually did a pretty good job, if you don't count that whole thing about destroying public trust in government.
Gerald Ford had offers to play in the NFL. And even today, he could probably start for the Rams.
Jimmy Carter means well.
As of 2010, Ronald Reagan is the only president to have been divorced. Everyone else has stayed together for the sake of the country.
There's a building in Langley called the George Bush Center for Intelligence, the signs for which make Northern Virginia Democrats hork a lot of coffee out their noses.
No matter what you think about Bill Clinton, he took Andrew Johnson off the hook. And that's something.
For eight years, George W. Bush was the greatest president of the 21st century.
Barack Obama has motivated a whole new generation of starry-eyed youth to be disappointed by government.
August 2009: Jefferson.
Fall 2009: comic interviews on the podcast. 
