http://www.dcstandup.com/monoblog.php News and notes from the Washington DC comedy scene en-us Copyright 2007, Chris White chris@dcstandup.com Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:00 GMT Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:00 GMT Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081118http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081118Everyone wants to know what I think, and I think that's great. Mon, 17 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081117http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081117The last stop in the Chris White Seattle Tour 2008 was Alki Beach in West Seattle, the original landing spot for the white folks hoping to make the area home. After a season of getting pummeled by the weather, they got the hell out of there and headed to Elliot Bay, leaving only coffeeshops, quaint beach homes and rollerblading paths behind. The way the geography works out, you get maybe the best view of downtown Seattle from Alki: Sun, 16 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081116http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081116Another fine day in Seattle! This morning I had breakfast in the oh-so-trendy Queen Anne district with good college chums Chris and Stacey, and then I spent about four hours digesting that breakfast on their couch. It was a big breakfast, is what I'm getting at. Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081115That's what Seattleans (Seattlelites? Seattlers?) say when Mount Rainier is visible on the horizon. From Tuesday through Friday, the mountain wasn't out. On Saturday it was, and I swear to you, it looks fake. Rainier is so big, so dominating, that I can't imagine how something that imposing COULDN'T be visible all the time. I couldn't see it yesterday from the Space Needle, but with blue skies and low haze, it magically appeared. Crazy. Fri, 14 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081114http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081114My vast material wealth sometimes gets me down, so I decided to do something about it on Friday. I went to the Space Needle, where for only $16 you can get a view that can be topped only by the observation decks of five or six of the local skyscrapers. Eight tops. See for yourself: Thu, 13 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081113http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081113Get it on! Bang a gong! GET IT ON! Wed, 12 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081112http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081112Here's your Seattle Comedy Competition update: Two days down, four to go! And if current trends hold, that will be the end of it, because both days I've finished out of the top five (in a group of fifteen). The good news is that my sophisticated and sensual style definitely helps me stand out; the bad news is that the judges so far haven't been favoring my sophisticated and sensual style. But tomorrow is another day, another venue and another set of judges ... after the halfway point, we should definitely have a good idea of if I should be moving around my travel plans. Tue, 11 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081111http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081111Hello from Seattle! I did lots of great travel today, and everything went very well, but since this is a blog I am obligated by law to complain about things like I am the only person they happen to. So here we go! Sun, 9 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081109http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081109After I wrap up business here in Atlanta tonight, I drive home to Washington tomorrow, and then by 1 p.m. PST on Tuesday I'll be in Seattle. So no updates until Wednesday, most likely. Sat, 8 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081108http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081108 Last night I was watching Greg Fitzsimmons perform at the Punchline (he's very good). The first 30 minutes, everything was great. Then, a young, jet-setting white-trash couple the next table over decided to start making out. The guy definitely had some boob-grabbing going on, and every time they kissed it was one of those really wet, smacking kisses, loud enough to be audible throughout the whole room. The sound made focusing on the show impossible. It's like watching someone clip their toenails on subway car: you don't want to watch the horror, but as you're reading your book all you can hear is the clipping, which gives you a perfect mental image of what you aren't looking at. (This actually happened.) Fri, 7 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081107http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081107 Thu, 6 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081106http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081106Greetings from the lost city of Atlanta! I am at the Punchline this week, pulling split duty -- Headliner Greg Fitzsimmons had a slight change of schedule, so I am headlining in his place on Thursday and Sunday. If you show up for the show, and you're disappointed not to see, Greg, deal with it. I want to be the starting third baseman for the Phillies. We all have our disappointments. Wed, 5 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081105http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081105Many readers expressed concern regarding my recent Faustian bargain, in which I agreed to eat cheesesteaks in exchange for Phillies World Series wins. So far, I appear to be fine, and as of yesterday my sweat is no longer yellow and oily. I appreciate your concern. Tue, 4 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081104http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081104Having completed two corn mazes, one successfully, I am now an Expert, and as such, here is my wisdom. Mon, 3 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081103One of the great things about my lifestyle is that every time my favorite sports teams win a world championship, I can drop everything and go to the parade. EVERY TIME. What I'm getting at here is that I was in Philadelphia Friday with 1 million to 2.5 million fellow fans, screaming like a girl as my favorite team rode past on floats. It was fun! Some notes: Thu, 30 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081030http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081030Woodrow Wilson didn't exactly gallop across the finish line of his presidency, what with being half paralyzed and not tremendously popular even in his own party. So instead of heading back to the healing waters of New Jersey, he set up shop in Washington, D.C., in spitting distance of the White House. What better tonic than to live in the shadow of your failures! Wed, 29 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081029http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081029Phillies win! The last time you could say that on the final day of the season, I was three years old. Awesome. Mon, 27 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081027http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081027By midnight tonight, it's entirely possible that the Philadelphia Phillies will be the 2008 World Series champions. IF I play my cards right. Thu, 23 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081023http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081023Here are the videos from "I Take Requests 4," on October 11. The first is a few minutes on fishsticks -- the 18th and most recent challenge, put forth by a YouTube commenter whose real name I do not know. But what the heck! The second video is the grand and patriotic finale. It's me doing more singing, this time the Ray Charles version of "America the Beautiful." Enjoy! Wed, 22 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081022http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081022You cheer for a team all season long, you watch and listen whenever you can, and after six months they reward you by falling miserably short. Then you get drunk. Or at least that's how it usually works! This year, though, the Phillies have made it back to the World Series, for the fourth time in my life and the second time I can actually remember. The last time was 1993, when I was a senior in high school. That year, I couldn't watch game 6 against the Blue Jays because I had a marching band competition. We finished playing on the field, ran back to the bus and were changing into street clothes. One girl on the bus had a walkman and listened to the radio broadcast as Mitch Williams pitched to Joe Carter; she related each pitch as it happened. We were all pumped, ready for a game 7, and then the girl with the radio screamed. Tue, 21 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081021http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081021We were sailing the Caribbean on Columbus Day, the same week that Columbus landed there 516 years ago. There have been slight improvements to shipbuilding technology since the 15th century, such as: water slides; 24/7 hot dog access; jogging tracks; sports bars; miniature golf courses; and turndown service. But aside from these tiny modern amenities, it was like reliving the Columbus experience! Yes, you might have been able to float the Pinta on one of the Valor's three swimming pools, but when you get down to the essence of it all, we're all just people on the open seas, looking for adventure, and playing video poker until we arrive at adventure. Get in touch with history. Take a cruise. Mon, 20 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081020http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081020You can pick up a lot of different souvenirs on a cruise, but is there any momento better than the constant feeling that you're still on a boat? I hope it never ends! Walking to the refrigerator has never been this fun. Sat, 11 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081011http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081011 Maybe my favorite part about the financial crisis is how every day, the government tries to do something shocking, drastic and new to stabilize the markets / short-term lending / the suicide rate of hedge fund managers, and every day things get worse. It's like a zombie movie! We're about one week away from a press conference where Henry Paulson throws his shoe at the economy and then tries to hide in a cabin in the woods. Thu, 9 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081009http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081009 Last call for alcohol, folks ... seats are still available for this Saturday's show at the DC Improv Lounge. Come on out. The world is horribly depressing lately, with uninspiring politics and horrible economics. Wouldn't you rather enjoy life, and watch me impersonate Ray Charles? Of course you would. Come out Saturday! It's a good time, guaranteed. Tue, 7 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081007http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081007I'm watching the debate and I think I'm about to have an aneuyrism. If that's not the right spelling of aneuyrism, then I think it's a sign the aneuyrism is starting. Mon, 6 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081006http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081006Eisenhower (see yesterday) was only part of my Saturday; I actually suckered some friends into visiting the farm by promising a trip to see the battlefield. Because who doesn't want to spend a Saturday wallowing in the gore of history? We hit up the Cyclorama, which back in the late 1800s would have been the closest thing to HD television; it's a big painting that completely encircles a room and shows the height of the 3rd day of battle, in exciting OIL PAINT! Plus they have a light and sound show to go with it -- FAR better than Pink Floyd. I can't reproduce it here, but we did walk around the field afterwards, and if you were a reasonably patriotic (or unpatriotic, depending how you look at it) guy in 1863, there's a chance this is what you would have seen on July 3: Sun, 5 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081005http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081005You can't always connect with a president from visiting their home -- you can guess what they were like, but in the case of the really old guys, they grew up in a totally different era. Anyone who never enjoyed indoor plumbing will always be a bit of an enigma to anyone who did. The modern guys, though, are a little different. Fri, 3 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081003http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081003 Facebook is about a gajillion times better than MySpace. That said ... Thu, 2 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081002http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081002There was a shake-up at the top in the fifth edition of Happy Hour Trivia as we have new champions: Pink Eye and the Brain. These young swains scored 22 out of a possible 30 questions with an October theme -- one round of monster questions in honor of Halloween, one round of questions from cemeteries (also in honor of Halloween) and a special "Octoberfest" round. Unfortunately, they're all part Bigfoot, so the photo is blurry: Wed, 1 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081001http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081001Happy Fiscal New Year! I hope everyone was able to kiss an accountant at midnight. I had to settle for rolling around on a pile of money. Tue, 30 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080930http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080930There's a new episode of the podcast! It's an interview with Dov Davidoff, who was one of the most interesting dudes I've met in five months of doing these interviews. I knew nothing about the guy going into this, but he has the very intriguing combination of restless intellect and (from what I could tell) mild social perversion. Neat guy. His personal history is absolutely fascinating. Here's the MP3 file (24 minutes). Mon, 29 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080929http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080929The ominpresent "technical difficulties" made this one take longer than I liked, but here are four minutes of comedy on BlackBerries. This will, of course be a part of "I Take Requests" on October 11, so come enjoy the fun! You know you want to. Wed, 24 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080924http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080924Prudent investors go long, ignoring the weekly and monthly fluctuations of the financial markets and instead betting on the grander trends over the course of decades. Tue, 23 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080923http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080923The greatest experiment in democracy has had 42 leaders: men of wealth, poverty, intellect, ambition, humility, egotism and charm. Mon, 22 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080922http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080922Americans, in choosing the leader of the free world, usually pick the person they want to have a beer with, even when that person is a recovering alcoholic. That fun-loving attitude is why the terrorists hate us! In 2008, we're looking at happy hours with either crazy POW stories or rip-roaring tales of community organzing, and drinking budies who love basketball and hunting or whatever Joe Biden loves (tax-free shopping?). Tough call. Sat, 20 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080920http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080920It seems strange that Toledo, a minor league baseball town, has a major league art museum. But they have glass money! Apparently in the 1890s, Toledo was the glass capital of the world, and so a glass baron built a pretty nice museum. Fri, 19 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080919http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080919I don't do many book reviews here, because I don't read many books. I could lie and say I don't have the time, but I'm basically unemployed for a living. But I recently finished two books! Hooray me! The first one was called "Jefferson and Monticello," and it was given to me as a birthday present by my good friend Jared Stern. My birthday was in late December, so yes, it took me nine months to read this book. I could have had a baby in that time, but the book seemed more in my long-term budget. Thu, 18 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080918http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080918If you knew that a guy could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other, at the same time, and you had to guess what kind of building that guy grew up in (this is a regular party game around my house), you'd guess monastery or Skinner Box or something along those lines, right? What are the odds that the guy comes from a log cabin? Wed, 17 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080917http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080917You can only drive through a town so many times before stopping there and looking at the art museum, so I'm in Toldedo this week at the Funny Bone, working with Kenny Smith. I met Kenny back in May in Indianapolis, and I approve of him. You have my blessing to go to this show. Mon, 15 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080915http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080915The pictures are coming back from Houston, and YIKES. People of Texas, I am sorry that God's personal vendetta against my career caused you such difficulties. Best of luck cleaning up and getting back to normal -- hopefully I'll get to visit in early 2008. Thu, 11 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080911http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080911I got rained out. Ike changed its course, heading straight for Houston, and so I won't be making my headlining appearance at the Laff Stop until early 2009. Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080910http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080910I sprained my ankle on Sunday. This year I've been fencing, kayaking, Segwaying and hiking through the mountains; I've done about 15 miles of street running and trail running a week, sometimes on snow and ice; I hit in a batting cage for the first time in about 8 years and I've run around the park throwing a frisbee. I sprained my ankle stepping off a curb. Tue, 9 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080909http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080909Close watchers of my schedule (hi Mom) will notice that I'm due in Houston this week for shows at the Laff Stop. Close watchers of the Weather Channel will notice that Hurricane Ike is due in Houston this week. Not for shows at the Laff Stop, but the two might conflict. Mon, 8 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080908http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080908Big news (for me at least): As of today, I am now scheduled to duke it out in the Seattle Comedy Competition this November. That means at least a week in the Pacific Northwest and hopefully more -- plenty of time to visit all the sites I've only dreamed of when they were mentioned on "Frasier." It'll be my first trip to the West Coast longer than a three-hour layover at LAX. Fri, 5 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080905http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080905I don't like watching convention speeches, or State of the Union speeches. As someone who does public speaking for a living I find them excrutiating. I don't care how pumped you are to be there -- you don't have to cheer "USA" after every other line. Let the guy talk. Speeches are a kind of art, and all the cheering just kills the flow. Plus it makes it unwatchable to anyone who doesn't already agree with the speaker.Code Pink lady just got bounced. Nice deflection by McCain. Honestly, wackos: you aren't helping your cause. I doubt PETA converts many people; I doubt Code Pink changes the minds of anyone. Mostly you just annoy people and make you cause annoying by association. McCain isn't a great speaker. I don't think that bothers me very much, because in a 24/7 media era eloquence gets burned out, and quickly. If every song on the radio was a power ballad, you'd get sick of music pretty quick. No longer would the vocals transport you to a world of romance and Camaros, and who would want that? I think part of McCain's problem is limited arm function, which if I'm recalling correctly is partly a consequence of being tortured. You don't read about that much, kind of like Bob Dole always having to hold a pen to cover up his injured hand. Democrats, here's your angle: what if that 3 a.m. phone call comes, and the phone is on a high shelf? Or, at the first debate, Obama should try to High five him.OK, here's the list of regular people with problems. I don't know when this started but it needs to stop. Now. In a country of 300 million people, you can find a sob story to justify any program. "I fight for Chris White, who is sitting on his couch with no steady job, trying to eke out a living by sharing the gift of laughter with his fellow Americans. And that's why we should all give him $10."Small point, but when he said "a culture of life," McCain paused and puffed some air into his upper lip, which made him look like he was suppressing vomit. I'm pretty sure that was unintentional.And here's the fantasy part ... I will keep taxes low on everyone! And I will reduce government spending. Straight up: we need to blow up Social Security and Medicare. That's the only way this happens. McCain's sort of dancing around it, but basically, this won't happen in divided government. No chance.Hmmm ... good mention of education. I think this issue is a winner. If I was writing the GOP platform, I'd basically say: "Here's the deal. Kids get the money. Kids get health care, kids get education help, kids get whatever they need." You're aren't going to work miracles when the kids have crappy parents, but it's the most equitable thing. "But ... if we do this we can't afford as much for the adults. So pick, your kids or you." Hmmm hmmm ... now he just made a pretty good ideological case for change in Washington, that all the big programs were designed for an outdated economy, and now they're bloated bureaucratic messes. I think people can relate to this, because anyone who waited too long at the Post Office hates bureaucracies. So, everyone. They're like dark matter. They make up about 99 percent of the weight of government, they are somehow intimately tied to the workings of government, and people still have no idea how the damn things work. Well, that torture stuff was pretty good, without being over the top. Also, McCain is a lot less pissy toward Democrats than Obama was to Republicans. Instead, McCain gave the dirty work to Palin. This might work out well, because in all the elections I remember (thousands!) the VP race fades into the background, since most people just don't care all that deeply. But I think the highlight of the evening has to be the playing of "Barracuda" after the speech. Huh.They could have taken the age issue off the table if McCain had just crowd surfed right after the speech. Another missed opportunity. Thu, 4 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080904http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080904I don't know at what point you become a juggernaut, but the Golden Triangle Gun Club is trying. On Wednesday night they won their third consecutive Happy Hour Trivia by getting 22 out of a possible 31. They're like Michael Jordan, but less bald, less black and for trivia: Wed, 3 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080903http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080903I like to keep busy on the weekends, and the pass the savings on to you. So here we go ... Tue, 2 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080902http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080902You could spend your time, money and energy working on a local level in your community to make an actual difference in someone's life. Tutor a poor kid, sweep up a sidewalk, that sort of thing. Fri, 29 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080829http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080829For the last month or so laptop headaches kept me from doing the DC Improv Podcast, but it's back, baby! And in a big way, as this time out I got to interview one of my favorite comedians, Dave Attell. We only had about 10 minutes before he had to go get ready for his show, but I was still glad to have the chance to chat with him. Thu, 28 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080828http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080828For the last 31 years I've been a big supporter of walking: it's affordable, it's convenient, and it seems to get you where you're going. Wed, 27 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080827http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080827 When your product is, ostensibly, rational ideas, who would you like for a sales force: Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080826http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080826There are three distinct approaches to love set forth in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona": practical (Vicky), painful (Cristina) and nihilistic (bowl cut guy from "No Country for Old Men"). Each character gets what they profess to want, and each character ends up wanting something different. Mon, 25 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080825http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080825After consulting with the high priests, we have finally set a date for the next installment of my dynamic, overwhelming, hilarious, and most importantly affordable ($10) show, I Take Requests. Wed, 20 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080820http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080820I'll probably end up on a government blacklist for posting this, but here are some looks at the hard truths about Martin Van Buren. Assisting me are Jared Stern and Michael Graham. Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080818http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080818See how I put "deal" in all caps? That means it's IMPORTANT! Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080815http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080815It's Friday! I'd say it's time to relax but I haven't worked that hard this week. Relaxing might slow my heartbeat down to complete stop. Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080814http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080814First and foremost, I am a philanthropist, and so I offer you my latest charitable cause. My thanks to Jared Stern, who threw his big-time celebrity muscle behind this worthy, noble project. Tue, 12 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080812http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080812I saw "Superman" on the National Mall last night as part of the annual "Screen on the Green" festivities. I had forgotten what a great movie this is. Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080811http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080811What up peeps. I was in Philadelphia over the weekend to celebrate my brother Dave's birthday with my whole family. (You can see him in "Apocalypse Soon" over at the video page. He's a great actor, better than me, even.) It's rare that we can all get together in one place anymore, but you have to make the effort, especially when the effort means that your parents are picking up the tab for a swank dinner and a baseball game. Sat, 9 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080809http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080809You might have noticed a slight uptick in presidential stuff over the last week, and if that's not your thing (BETHANY), I promise that regularly scheduled programming will return next week. This write-up on the Adams boys clears out the backlong from my trip last week, so there shouldn't be anything TOO presidential for a while. Fri, 8 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080808http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080808Hey everyone, pumped for the Olympics? Excited for a bunch of fundamentally unwatchable sporting events where the margin of victory is hundredths of a second? Ready for a bunch of Olympic profiles on people who aren't all that inspirational and have very limited real job skills? And I bet you can't wait to watch tape-delayed events that you already read the results to online! Thu, 7 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080807http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080807In only our third edition of Happy Hour Trivia, we already have repeat champions. The Golden Triangle Gun Club smoked the competition once again, scoring a 21 out of a possible 30. Behold their wrath: Wed, 6 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080806http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080806Chester Arthur is best known as "The Father of Civil Service," and that pretty much gives you the baseline for the excitement level of his presidency. It's dull. Mon, 4 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080804http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080804What better way to honor the memory of Rick James than by coming on out to Happy Hour Trivia on Wednesday? Get to the DC Improv Lounge between 6:30 and 7 to sign up. I don't want to say it'll be the best trivia night in recorded history, but with Rick James looking down on us it's going to be close. Sun, 3 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080803http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080803 Sat, 2 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080802http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080802There's not too much left for a man in Syracuse after he sees the Salt Museum, so on Saturday I hopped into my car and got my mind off higher gas prices by driving 150 miles to Buffalo. YEAH! I did some sightseeing, if you can call these things sights. Fri, 1 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080801http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080801History finally stopped reschuduling our intimate lunch date, for today I finally walked through the inviting doors of the Salt Museum in Liverpool, New York. It is only one room, so I walked out 12 minutes later a changed man. I don't know that the Salt Museum and I will see eachother again, but I know we'll always have that one magical cup of coffee together. And someday, when I've found another museum, maybe something in that museum will make me smile, and think of the good times I once had staring down at a large assembly for evaporating brine. Thu, 31 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080731http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080731Greetings from the Salt City! I am here at Wise Guys all weekend, so if you're within 300 miles, why not take the time to see the show? I'm working with a guy named Eric Lyden who is very funny and has a tattoo of Chief Wahoo on his leg. You gotta respect that. Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080730http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080730"My friends have made the American people think me a sort of superman," Herbert Hoover said after his election as president. "They expect the impossible and should there arise in the land conditions with which the political machinery is unable to cope, I will be the one to suffer." And then there was a thunderclap, a timpani roll, the faint sound on the wind of an old woman cackling ... Tue, 29 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080729http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080729Peoples of the DC area: next week is the return of (cue ominous timpani) ... Fri, 25 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080725http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080725This week on the podcast I am talking to comic hypnotist Flip Orley. Flip has about a million stories just on hypnosis alone, never mind the everyday stuff he gets into by being Flip Orley. It should be posted by this afternoon -- I think you're really going to enjoy this one. Tue, 22 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080722http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080722Much like western Pennsylvania makes quarterbacks and the Dominican Republic makes shortstops, the Northern Neck of Virginia makes presidents.* It's had a dry streak for the last 250 years, but you can't argue with results: three of the first five commanders-in-chief were born there, within 20 miles of each other. Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080721http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080721Joy of joys, I talked to Kevin Pollak last Thurday for ye olde podcast. He was in all sorts of movies, and also, I got him to talk about his time as an Ewok. No, really! You can get it over at the podcast page right now. Sun, 20 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080720http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080720I really miss Adam West, who had the bravery and panache to wear spandex when he had the physique of a 150-pound bag of potatoes. Tue, 15 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080715http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080715If you haven't checked your feed lately, there are two new lessons in the Robust Method. The first is an interview with TV/movie star John Witherspoon. It rambles a bit, but there are some pretty funny moments if you want to tune in. Mon, 14 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080714http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080714If I told you there was a movie in which Ron Perlman has to fight Gunnar Nelson to save the world, you'd go see it, right? Well, that's basically "Hellboy II," only there's lots of make-up involved, which is a positive considering Ron Perlman is involved. Fri, 11 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080711http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080711Tomorrow is the big day, peeps -- my third show at the DC Improv Lounge. I've been spending this week getting together the grand finale, and I gotta say, it's pretty grand. Thu, 10 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080710http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080710Even after the divorce, Alex Rodriguez is probably going to have tens of millions in the bank. Barring catastrophic injury, he's going to be the all-time home run king. And from what I hear, the guy's not that tough on the eyes. Wed, 9 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080709http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080709Jazz fans (and I assume that's everyone) rejoice -- the KPLU Jazz Stories are now online. Tue, 8 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080708http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080708Hey folks! The big show is once again upon us. I Take Requests is this Saturday at the DC Improv Lounge. For $10, you are getting: Wed, 2 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080702http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080702Congratulations to the Golden Triangle Gun Club, winners of the second ever Happy Hour Trivia Night! The theme was "Red, White and Blue," and here are Jason, Ben, Zah, Craig and Libby, striking a patriotic pose: Tue, 1 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080701http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080701Your weeks of waiting are over! The second incarnation of Happy Hour Trivia is tonight at the DC Improv Lounge. The theme is "Red, White and Blue" and it's going to feature a heaping load of patriotism in video, audio, and straight-up Q and A form. Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080630http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080630Thanks to everyone who came out to Helium to catch the shows last week. It's one of my top three favorite clubs -- if you're in the Philly area do yourself a favor and stop in. They have mixed drinks served in caraffes! It's like Denny's, but more fun. Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080626http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080626Happy Thursday. If you're in the Philadelphia region and want to make it happier, come see me at Helium comedy club tonight. Showtime is 8 and I give my personal seal of approval to headliner Nick Griffin. It's a fun show. Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080625http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080625Philadelphia! I'm here Wednesday through Saturday at Helium Comedy Club. Be a peach and come see me (the headliner is Nick Griffin), or if you don't live in Philadelphia, but know someone who does, tell them how fantastic I am and have them show up. I'm cool with that. It's a great club, they won't be sorry. Tue, 24 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080624http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080624There's a new episode of the Online Method for Robust Living, posted yesterday. This time out I'm revisiting Fun Science Facts, my radio program in which I answer kids' questions about science in a fun way! We're talking about the hot topic on everyone's mind: oil. Get down with the learnin', yo, Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080623http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080623Here's the much-anticpated result for the 16th Chris White Challenge: Belgium. There are lots of things about Belgium to make fun of, and I didn't even get into Jean Claude Van Damme, probably because he might find me and kill me if I did so. Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080622http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080622Our Founding Fathers, in all their infinite wisdom, decided to build the capital of our budding nation on a malarial swamp. It was probably part of their commitment to limited government. Sadly, that swamp is now drained, leaving only 100 degree summers with 95 percent humidity as reminders of our glorious past. Fri, 20 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080620http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080620We're getting closer and closer to "I Take Requests 3" on July 12 at the DC Improv Lounge. If you're in the DC area, I really hope you can come out to see the show -- it's only $10, and I think it will definitely be money well spent. I try to make the evening as fresh as possible. Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080619http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080619A big hello to anyone who found their way here from Yelp DC, which gave a very nice plug to ... Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080618http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080618Way to man up and endorse a guy who already won the nomination. It's that bold attitude that won you the presidency. Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080617http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080617I enjoy hockey, and I love baseball, but I have never come close to pushing another human being through a cyclone fence as a way of expressing those feelings. That's a storybook love. Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080613http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080613Last night I got to interview Jeffrey Ross ("The Roastmaster General") at the DC Improv Lounge. He was a very nice guy, and he was wearing a seersucker jacket he had just purchased at Filene's Basement. No, really. Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080612http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080612If you ever log into Myspace, then you probably also log off of Myspace, and you've seen those video ads from online chatting sites. They all feature semi-attractive (but approachable looking!) girls sitting at computers, seemingly very excited to be engaging in online chats with fat computer-literate strangers. Wed, 11 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080611http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080611Here's a delightful new project about the power of imagination. Returning to work with me once again is good buddy, and better actor, Jared Stern. Mon, 9 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080609http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080609Subscribe to my Podcast, and you can get the latest audio project. My buddy Jared Stern has helped me record "Favorite Island," which not only helped me test my new two-microphone arrangement, but also is about 4 minutes long. High praise! Sun, 8 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080608http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080608I am now officially a podcaster. You work so hard, but you think the day will never come ... You're probably wondering, "Chris, why should I care what you have to say as opposed to every other loser with an internet connection?" Sat, 7 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080607http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080607Tickets are now on sale for I Take Requests 3. Here's the link to buy them online. Fri, 6 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080606http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080606Sorry for the layoff, regular readers. I've been busy fighting crime. Thu, 29 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080529http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080529We have an early front-runner for dumbest news story of the year. Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an ad featuring Rachel Ray, because some people (most prominently the borderline insane Michelle Malkin -- and remember, I'm conservative) feel the scarf she is wearing in the ad resembles a kaffiyeh (the same thing Yasser Arafat always wore). Wed, 28 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080528http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080528I don't understand why, but the Chris White Sucks people have redesigned the site, added a new page for Happy Hour Trivia and ... Thu, 22 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080522http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080522The first Happy Hour Trivia Night is in the books, with the tastefully named "Ted Kennedy's Brain Tumor" coming out on top (scoring 22 out of a possible 32). Congratulations to Chris, Elizabeth, Rich, Ben, Rob and Courtney for the big victory -- they won free tickets to the show on July 1 to defend their crown. Anyone who wants to knock them down a peg, you know the time and place -- DC Improv Lounge, July 1, 7 p.m. Wed, 21 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080521http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080521This is your last reminder -- the debut of Happy Hour Trivia is tonight at the DC Improv Lounge. Buy a ticket (you can get them at the door, there are some seats available), go to the Improv between 6:30 and 7 to sign up (the limit on trivia is 55, so get there early). Play trivia (with friends, you can play as a team, remember) from 7-8, and then at 8:30 enjoy the rest of the show. Tue, 20 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080520http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080520Narnia is a magical land. So magical, in fact, that if you slit somebody's throat, run them through with a sword or shoot them in the face with an arrow, there is NO BLOOD. Mon, 19 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080519http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080519Big things going on this week, people. Here's what you need to know: Sun, 18 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080518http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080518There's now a listing for KPLU's Jazz Stories on the MP3 page, so you can go over there to check out the whole shebang. Here's one of my favorites -- remember, these are all 30 seconds long and completely safe for work. And for reference, Art Tatum played VERY fast. Sat, 17 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080517http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080517More film is in! From top to bottom: I meet one of my idols; my brother meets a delicious pretzel; even nature needs to relax sometimes; Washington in the springtime; and Grover Cleveland in his twilight years. Fri, 16 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080516http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080516Some fun news to report: KPLU 88.5 in Seattle has plans to air 30-second editions of my "Jazz Stories" starting in the next few months! Thu, 15 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080515http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080515No one needs to invent a mock liberal talk show to balance out "The Colbert Report," because it already exists. It's called "Countdown" and it stars Keith Olbermann. If you took the MSNBC logo off the screen and put up the Comedy Central globe, the whole viewing experience would actually make more sense. Wed, 14 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080514http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080514In a shocking turn of events, the karaoke sing-off between myself and Allyson is now HALF OVER, with the stunning discovery that there's Sunday karaoke night at a bar three blocks from my house. Honestly, we went in for happy hour margaritas and came out covered in the karaoke equivalent of blood and ichor. Fortunately it was raining biblical amounts, so we rinsed off pretty quickly. Tue, 13 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080513http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080513I've been busy working on the trivia night coming up next week at the DC Improv Lounge (Wednesday, May 21). It's gonna be solid. We've got one round of wild card questions, one round of video-based questions, and a special finale round inspired by your headliner for the evening, Mr. Bob Marley. If you're planning on coming, be sure to get there around 6:30 -- I'm not sure what the turnout will be, but if it ends up being busy, the Lounge only holds 55. So get there early and have a drink. Booze never hurt anyone's trivia abilities, ever. A reminder of how it all works: Fri, 9 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080509http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080509Apologies for the lack of updates -- I was traveling. And I'm lazy. It's a winning combination! Mon, 5 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080505http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080505Tony Stark is a multi-billionaire genius who can build anything; he drinks hard booze, boinks beautiful women all the time and is totally enabled in this lifestyle by a nonjudgmental, smoking hot secretary that runs all of his errands. Oh, and he blows stuff up for his day job. And he has a talking computer. And he can fly. Fri, 2 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080502http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080502Here's some exciting news: The DC Improv is letting me host a one-hour bar trivia contest before one of my upcoming shows there. Why me? Because I was on the 1994 Penncrest High School Championship Quiz Bowl Team! And also, because I begged. Here's how it works: Thu, 1 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080501http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080501Happy May Day, comrades! Go out there and fill a quota on behalf of communists everywhere. Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080430http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080430You may recall that I entered a karaoke murder-suicide pact for 2008, in which I must sing eight total songs. Four are chosen by me, and four are chosen by my "opponent," Allyson. I put that word in quotes, first because there is no prize for winning, and second because at this point I'm obliterating her, as though I were the 1980 Philadelphia Phillies and she were the 1980 Lansdowne Boys Club "Johnson's Funeral Home" team, and the slaughter rule had been waived. I'm about two songs away from kidnapping all of her women and then plowing the fields with salt for spite. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080429http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080429Last Saturday I headed to the National Arboretum to see the azaleas in bloom, because they are pretty, and also because I am sort of gay. Mon, 28 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080428http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080428In our nation's capital today, right around noon, 200 trucks circled the Mall, horns blaring the whole way. I drove by it. They were loud. Fri, 25 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080425http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080425The pride is back! "I Take Requests" returns to the DC Improv Lounge on Saturday, July 12. Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080424http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080424Of course you do! Nothing too funy here, so feel free to skip this. Wed, 23 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080423http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080423Over the weekend I attended my first Passover seder. Since the full-blown ritual is hours long, my hosts graciously condensed the proceedings to an outsider-friendly five minutes. Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080422http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080422 You can't always judge a man by his final resting place, but in the case of Grover Cleveland ... Mon, 21 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080421http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080421The other day, I'm at the Captials / Flyers game in Washington (the Capitals won 3-2, they totally outplayed Philly for the first 30 minutes and held on for the last 30). One row in front of me was a couple wearing Flyers jerseys, being as well-behaved as you can possibly be in an arena crammed with Caps fans. They were cheering when the Flyers did something good, and when they cheered, they cheered it was only to express their happiness for the Flyers, to no one in particular. Next to them was a couple in Capitals jerseys. The guy had about six beers over the course of the game and looked like a significant part of his disposable income went to hockey tickets. When the Capitals scored, instead of cheering for the Captials, he immediately leaned over to the Flyers fans and shouted, "YOU SUCK." Thu, 17 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080417http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080417Mo Rocca (who I have been amused by on occasion) did not seem to do that well at the Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner. I don't really know his history peforming in front of a live audience, but he just seemed flustered the whole time, and not in an affected way. He had months to prepare and a lot of the jokes were almost stock observations you could have pulled off of any snarky blog. Some of it isn't his fault -- the video/slide problems he had were inexcusable. How on earth do you pay a guy thousands of dollars to perform for 2,000 people, including the vice president, and then not have someone from the AV club running the projector? Sheesh. Wed, 16 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080416http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080416I finally saved up the money to get a roll of film developed. And EVERYBODY WINS! Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080415http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080415The Phillies had a phenomenal win over the Astros tonight, scoring four in the bottom of the ninth to steal a 4-3 victory and almost give me a brain hemmorhage. And it all started with a home run from former National CHRIS SNELLING. Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080411http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080411I'm at the Funny Bone this week with the very entertaining Larry Reeb. Come see the shows -- two tonight, two tomorrow. You won't be sorry. Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080410http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080410Here it is, the grand finale, or "15th Challenge," from "I Take Requests 2." It's pretty straightforward. If you have sensitive ears, please be warned, I do drop one F-bomb in here toward the end (I got carried away by the moment, my apologies). Wed, 9 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080409http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080409This commerical was featured at the beginning of "I Take Requests 2," and it was written by Chris Wright. Tue, 8 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080408http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080408In my continuing effort to be the best 19th century man that I can be, I went waltzing on Sunday at Glen Echo Park. If you've never been to the park, it's like a super community center converted from an old abandoned art-deco amusement park, so the overall effect is that you're in an episode of Scooby-Doo but with more arts and crafts. I'm not saying that I plan on serial killing any time in the near future, but if I were, Glen Echo Park would be on the short list for my possible base of operations. Mon, 7 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080407http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080407Thanks to everyone who came out to "I Take Requests 2" on Saturday night. There were lots of new faces in the crowd and I really hope everyone had a good time. Wed, 2 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080402http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080402It's crunch time, folks! My show at the Improv Lounge is this Saturday at 8 p.m. You can get your tickets at the Improv site or you can stop in and buy directly from their box office. Mon, 31 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080331http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080331Good sign: Ryan Zimmerman hits a two-out home run in the 9th to win the first ever regular-season game at Nationals Park. Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080328http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080328One of the people I'm working with this week got a Myspace message from an old college acquaintance, a woman he had dated. After a few, "Hey, how have you been" exchanges, she says (paraphrasing): "You're probably wondering why I'm writing. Our son is now 19 and of legal age and he's asking questions about his dad. I'm not sure what I want to tell him. I can send you pictures if you like." Thu, 27 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080327http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080327"I Take Requests." April 5. DC Improv Lounge. Get your tickets today. The grand finale is going to be ... well, about 4 minutes long, and that's as much as I'm willing to tell you right now. Wed, 26 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080326http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080326Greetings from the home of J.J. Johnson! I'm just wrapping up a two-day layover here, waiting for a gig in South Bend to start. I'm staying with my "friend" John Garrett. You'll notice I put friend in quotes, because John isn't really my friend. I just pretend that he is so that I have somewhere to stay when I need to kill time in the Midwest. But Chris, what if John reads your blog? Well, if he cared that much, maybe then I wouldn't have to put "friend" in quotes in the first place. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080325http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080325 Just in time for "I Take Requests," here's the latest edition of the Chris White Challenge! Brought to you by Richard Aldacushion and the letter "C." Mon, 24 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080324http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080324 Sat, 22 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080322http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080322Avid readers of my schedule (hi Mom) know that I'm in Detroit at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Mark Ridley is often credited with inventing the three-comedian show format, which would make him the guy who wrote my job description. We'll only hold him responsible for the 20-30 minutes of comedy part, not the driving hundreds of miles around the Midwest visiting museums you couldn't drag most people to with a team of oxen part. Here's the defensive perimiter of the castle: Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080321http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080321If you can tear yourself away from live online chats with all those hot babes in low-cut tops from the ads that keep popping up on MySpace (they are real girls, and you do have a shot at them), please help me be not poor by voting for my TurboTax video entry. Thu, 20 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080320http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080320If you are ever chopping up habanero peppers, as soon as you are done, immediately have a friend chop off your hands. This will prevent you from touching your lips over the next six hours. Tue, 18 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080318http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080318Why is Chester Cheetah suddenly British? It was bad enough when the Geico gecko switched from a high-class British gecko that resented Geico to a cockney gecko that loves it. Mon, 17 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080317http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080317A man enters a Steve & Barry's in Roanoke, Virginia, lured by a sign indicating that all items in the store are $8.98 or less. Once inside, after selecting several t-shirts and two pairs of cargo shorts, he notices that the $8.98 extends to Starbury shoes. Though he does not need new shoes, he sees a pair that could, in dim light, pass for Sketchers. Grabbing a box marked with his shoe size (10), he heads for the register. But a sudden pang of doubt compels him to stop suddenly, and try on at least one of the shoes. It seems to fit his right foot, if a little snugly. Fri, 14 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080314http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080314I'm in Winston-Salem, in a non-smoking room in a Motel 6 with cigarette burns on the comforter. The Motel 6 is next door to an adult superstore and just down the street from a mobile home sales lot. The sign on the sales lot says "We sell dreams." Thu, 13 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080313http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080313I originally made this for the YouTube "Sketchies" contest, which required a video involving a road trip and a musical instrument that was 3 minutes or less. Before I had the chance to edit this thing down or reshoot anything, I got sick. So no contest. Wed, 12 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080312http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080312Want to see photos from the roller derby? You don't? Well, tough. Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080311http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080311Jason Statham's greatest gift as an actor, hands down, is headbutting. He looks like he's really good at it. If you or I snapped off a headbutt, we'd be curled up on the floor with a splitting headache for hours after. Jason Statham, on the other hand, just looks like he could headbutt 20 to 30 people in a row and then do the New York Times Sunday Crossword. Assuming he did crosswords, which he probably doesn't, because he's too busy making time with the ladies of the guys he just killed with his cranial plate. Sat, 8 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080308http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080308Responding to my illness report from Tuesday, my brother Dave volunteers the following: Fri, 7 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080307http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080307Dear everybody, Thu, 6 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080306http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080306I very rarely use the word "brilliant," but this blog is brilliant. And I'm not just saying that because 87 percent of the entries seem to apply directly to one of my ex-girlfriends. Tue, 4 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080304http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080304After spending a fun weekend in Boston partying with friends, I decided to take things slow on Monday and recharge my batteries by vomiting about once an hour for 12 hours straight. You might call it "food poisoning," but in many very expensive day spas they would call it "purifying." Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080224http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080224In an Oscar season filled with depressing, nihilistic and stunningly glib films, it is refreshing to actually watch a movie with a positive message: that poor black people need to get off their high horses and accept the fact that rich people can dance, too. Fri, 22 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080222http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080222AKA "Any Given Sunday." Wed, 20 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080220http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080220On my last day in San Antonio, the weather was about 75 and sunny. With mid-Atlantic February in my near future, I decided to get out and walk. I headed to Market Square, not far from downtown -- it's a combination of food stands and souvenir shops for tourists, with a smattering of authentic Mexican stuff imported from China. Mon, 18 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080218http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080218In honor of Presidents Day, here are fun fact about our first 20 chief executives. Sat, 16 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080216http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080216There was a president from Texas once who spent a staggering amount of time on his ranch, cared deeply about education and presided over a transformative and often unpopular war. And he was a Democrat. Who says America isn't bipartisan? Fri, 15 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080215 For 400 years New York has been devouring itself; a necessity brought on by the laws of real estate that has, over centuries, become a philosophy for living. The new springs forth on top of, underneath, next to and inside the old. Thu, 14 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080214http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080214It's been ages since we've looked in on America's greatest artform, so here's a double dose. Tue, 12 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080212http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080212Once again I am not the Last Comic Standing! Once again, I made it to the night showcase at Gotham Comedy Club, had a good performance and then did not advance to the next round. But it was (once again) a positive experience: the comedians I met were pleasant, I had another chance to put myself out there to millions of people and at the end of the night I feel like I left it all out there on the stage. In a non-disgusting sense. I put together a few minutes to represent what I'm all about, and people seemed to like it, but from a straight-up television perspective, I'm not rocking any underserved demographics and my style isn't exactly tailored to short TV clips (I try to meet them halfway, but I tell alot of long jokes. It's what I do.) If I was putting together a network TV show, I could make the case for not picking me, too. Thu, 7 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080207http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080207The Newseum, the latest addition to Washington D.C.'s tiny, tiny museum community, is opening April 11. Total cost of the new building: $450 million. To put that in perspective, some estimates put the Phillies' home field, Citizens Bank Park, at $346 million. Tue, 5 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080205http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080205On Saturday I went, for the first and probably last time, to Groundhog Day. Not in Ohio, or New York or Georgia, or any of the other places that worship false rodents. I went to the real deal: Punxsutawney, Pennsyvlania. The weather capital of the world. Mount Washington, eat your heart out. Mon, 4 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080204http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080204The Groundhog Day report comes tomorrow. In the meantime, what's wrong with this Bud Light slogan? Sun, 3 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080203http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080203Through the miracle of George Eastman's devil box, I once again have magical images of my journeys far and wide ... BEHOLD! Sat, 2 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080202Surveys show that people love pictures. I was the only person surveyed, so the margin of error is pretty big. But as a Washingtonian, I am duty-bound to respond to any poll as though it were incontrivertible fact. Enjoy: Thu, 31 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080131http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080131I'll be out of touch for a few days, because I am going to Groundhog Day. Wed, 30 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080130http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080130I got to see Robert Klein at the Improv. It's strange when you see a living legend -- here's a comedian who was there at the birth of the modern artform, who is cited as a huge influence by a lot of the stars of the '80s and '90s. He has a revered position in the history of stand-up. Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080129http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080129Now that he has locked down the fat drunk manslaughterer vote, Obama is UNSTOPPABLE. Fat drunk manslaughterers everywhere will line up at the polling stations to vote for him. That's like 10 percent of any state with a lot of farms and farming equipment. Mon, 28 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080128http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080128This is from last year, but I'm guessing they'd be happy to just use it again and save the effort. Fri, 25 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080125http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080125I have been informed by my brother Dave that my use of the word "Jewfro" in yesterday's post was horribly inappropriate. The correct term is "Isro." My apologies to the Jewish people. Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080124http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080124Because they're interviewing people FOUR TIMES. I don't care what the job is. I don't care that head coaches get paid millions. You do not do this. Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080123Well, it took some doing, but here's a few minutes of jokes on Newton's Third Law. It was less of a train wreck than I was expecting! Sun, 20 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080120http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080120I finally got a card to let me use my video camera like a digital camera. A mediocre digital camera, but a camera nonetheless. And I'm passing the savings on to you! Some pics from the Portland Comedy Connection: Sat, 19 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080119http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080119The first "National Treasure" had everything I look for in a movie: history and a German chick with a decent rack. It was good. Fri, 18 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080118http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080118Find a Barack Obama supporter and ask them why, exactly, Barack Obama should be president. Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080117http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080117Here's a link, word for word, off of Yahoo's front page: Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080115I had a manly weekend. So manly that I am just now able to write about it. Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080111http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080111I made it back to Mount Vernon on Jan. 6 (the Washingtons' anniversary), for a few reasons: Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080110http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080110I'm typing this from my BRAND NEW DESK. I did not plan on getting a new desk, but it turns out that if you bought a $100 desk from Staples, you weren't in it for the long haul. The big hint was the loud cracking noises and visible buckling. Wed, 9 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080109http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080109I went fencing Saturday, and it was awsome. You always like to imagine that you have a natural flair for these things -- fencing, horseback riding, undoing the corset of the governor's daughter in such a way that she suddenly realizes she DOES want you. But to have it confirmed? Beyond fantastic. It was a lot like "The Mask of Zorro," but with slightly fewer burning buildings. Tue, 8 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080108http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080108So much to discuss. First: Former Redskins receiver Darnerien McCants was at Chief Ike's Mambo room last night. Singing like R. Kelly. And as far as I'm concerned, Darnerien McCAN. Go to his web site. The song starts playing right away. Fri, 4 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080104http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080104After watching Letterman on Wednesday, I am reminded that one of the worst conversations you can have with a stand-up comedian starts: "You know who I really love? Robin Williams." Thu, 3 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080103As part of my birthday celebration last week, I stopped by the National Cathedral to pay my respects to everyone's favorite sexist, foot-dragging, doctorate-degree having, stroke-suffering president, T. Woodrow Wilson (also born Dec. 28). Wed, 2 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080102 I kicked off my NYE celebration by going to pick up my buddy Jared at the train station, at which point I noticed that someone, in the true spirit of the holidays, had smashed in the rear vent window on my car. Nothing was stolen, and no one even tried to open the door after smashing the window -- the hole in the middle was too small to fit a hand through. Right now the prime suspect is America's youth. I'm watching you, America's youth. Keep your nose clean. NYE dinner was spaghetti with homemade sauce. If you've never made your own tomato sauce, let me tell you something: For $10 in ingredients plus about two hours of your time, you can make a small quantity of sauce that is almost 70 PERCENT as good as the massive $1 jar of Safeway-brand sauce you have sitting in the back of your cabinet. And your guests will definitely taste the difference. Mainly because your sauce will have lots of tomato seeds in it. Mmmmmmmmmm. NYE dessert was spaghetti with homemade sauce. You probably think ice cream tastes the same no matter what shape it's in. Well, you are WRONG, killjoy. The party moved to Wonderland Ballroom, which thanks to its total lack of a cover charge was slammed. I have been drunk, and I have been in crowds. But I have never been so drunk that I tried to walk THROUGH another human being. Sure, I have felt stronger, and smarter, and funnier, and better looking. But not once have I finished my tenth Yuengling and thought, "That should do it. Time to pass through solid matter." However, this happened about three times a minute at Wonderland. How crowded was it? When I got home, it was discovered that some one had bled all over the back of my shirt. Now, I have never bled on anyone before, but I'd like to think that if I did, I would tap them on the shoulder, and then, while pinching my nose to prevent further bleeding, explain to them that they might have a dry cleaning emergency come tomorrow. Right now the primary suspect is America's 20something white d-bags and their dates. I'm watching you, America's 20something white d-bags and your dates. Keep your noses clean. And plugged. Mon, 31 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071231http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071231Get ready, because you only have about 380 more days to get used to saying "President Dennis Kucinich." Fri, 28 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071228http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071228I know what you're wondering: who wins? Fri, 21 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071221http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071221The Big Red Machine Thu, 20 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071220http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071220Don't Let the Bells End Wed, 19 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071219http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071219The First Rough Draft Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071218http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071218Give 'Till It Hurts Wed, 12 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071212http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071212Ike Turner is Dead Sat, 8 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071208http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071208I Am Renting a Beach House Fri, 7 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071207http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071207A.J. Thu, 6 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071206http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071206I Take Requests: Jan. 25 in Baltimore Wed, 5 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071205http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071205Judicial Review Mon, 3 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071203http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071203Staying in Vegas Sun, 2 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071202Hoover Dam FAQ, As Written By Someone Who Went to the Hoover Dam a Few Weeks Ago and Didn't Take Any Notes Sat, 1 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071201http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071201Concert Review: They Might Be Giants Fri, 30 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071130http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071130Show Review: Bite Wed, 28 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071128http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=2007112812) Atomic Testing Museum Tue, 27 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071127http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071127And We're Back! Mon, 26 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071126http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071126Movie Review: No Country For Old Men Wed, 21 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071121http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071121New Video: Millard Fillmore and You Wed, 14 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071114http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071114The West Plumstead Avenue Street Recreation Association Record Book and Related Asterisks Tue, 13 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071113http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071113Las Vegas Fri, 9 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071109http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071109Take It All Off Thu, 8 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071108http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071108WWHMD Tue, 6 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071106http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071106Truth Bagg Sat, 3 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071103ORANGE! Fri, 2 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071102Funky President Thu, 1 Nov 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071101http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071101New Video: Monovlog! Wed, 31 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071031http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071031Concert Review: Stevie Wonder Tue, 30 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071030http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071030New Video: International T-Shirt Fund Mon, 29 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071029http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071029Trivia Challenge Sun, 28 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071028http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071028Thank You Fri, 26 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071026http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071026WAIT! TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE! Thu, 25 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071025http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071025I Take Requests: SOLD OUT! Wed, 24 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071024http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071024Capitol Idea Tue, 23 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071023http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071023I Take Requests: Tickets Almost Gone! Mon, 22 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071022http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071022You Will Be Begging for Gerbster! Sun, 21 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071021http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071021Movie Review: Lars and the Real Girl Thu, 18 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071018http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071018I Take Requests: The FINAL COUNTDOWN! Tue, 16 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071016http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071016The Truth Mon, 15 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071015http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071015New Video: Game On Sun, 14 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071014http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071014Talkin' Baseball Sat, 13 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071013http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071013Full Steam Behind Fri, 12 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071012http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071012New Video: Trick or Treat Thu, 11 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071011http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071011Lincoln Slept Here Wed, 10 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071010http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071010RenFest UPDATE Tue, 9 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071009http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071009Heart Disease Ended the Renaissance Mon, 8 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071008http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071008I'm In the Money Sun, 7 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071007http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071007Indispensable Tue, 2 Oct 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071002http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071002Showtime Fri, 28 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070928http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070928Baltimore, Have I Got a Deal for You Wed, 26 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070926http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070926Order your tickets today! Tue, 25 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070925http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070925OCTOBER 27: I Take Requests Wed, 19 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070919http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070919Challenge Me! Mon, 17 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070917http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070917New Audio: Eastern Market Walking Tour Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070916http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070916 Burn Baby Burn Sat, 15 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070915http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070915Talkin' Baseball Fri, 14 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070914http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070914How to vote for yourself in an online contest, and win friends and influence people Thu, 13 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070913http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070913White House Jr. Wed, 12 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070912http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070912New Video: Press Your Luck Mon, 10 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070910http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070910Reminder: Vote for Me! Sun, 9 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070909http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070909The Home of the Braves Sat, 8 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070908http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070908Mister Christian Fri, 7 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070907http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070907 Finding America on a Map Thu, 6 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070906http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070906Vote for Me! Sun, 2 Sep 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070902http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070902 Movie Review: Death at a Funeral Fri, 31 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070831http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070831Movie Review: Superbad Thu, 30 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070830http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070830Soho Wed, 29 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070829http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070829OCTOBER 27! Tue, 28 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070828http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070828Leisure Suit Larry Sun, 26 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070826http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070826Movie Review: The King of Kong Sat, 25 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070825http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070825The President of Good Feelings Fri, 24 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070824http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070824 James Monroe Thu, 23 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070823http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070823The Man in Manifest Destiny Wed, 22 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070822http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070822New Video: Boom-erang Sat, 18 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070818http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070818The Man in Manifest Destiny Fri, 17 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070817http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070817To the Moon Wed, 15 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070815http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070815Submitted for Your Approval Tue, 14 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070814http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070814Great Lopsided Americans Wed, 8 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070808http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070808756 Mon, 6 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070806http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070806Movie Review: Talk to Me Fri, 3 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070803http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070803Belated Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie Wed, 1 Aug 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070801http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070801New Video - Lincoln: The Early Years Sat, 28 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070728http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070728Actual Roadside Historical Markers of Upper Peninsula Michigan All Presumably Written by the Same Guy Fri, 27 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070727http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070727Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Thu, 26 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070726http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070726New Video: The Joy of Writing Wed, 25 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070725http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070725Huh ... Mon, 23 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070723http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070723Attn:Chris White {Comedian} Fri, 20 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070720http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070720Lakenland, U.P. Michigan Thu, 19 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070719http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070719Grant's Tomb, New York City Wed, 18 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070718http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070718Picture Perfect Sun, 15 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070715http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070715If the suspense is killing you ... Sat, 14 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070714http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070714Day Trippin' Fri, 13 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070713http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070713The Case of the Traveling Comedian Wed, 11 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070711http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070711Lakenland Tue, 10 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070710http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070710Finally, the Chris Has Returned to Duluth Mon, 9 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070709http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070709Finally, the Chris Has Returned to Duluth Sun, 8 Jul 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20070708http://www.chriswhites