http://www.dcstandup.com/monoblog.php News and notes from the Washington DC comedy scene en-us Copyright 2007, Chris White chris@dcstandup.com Sat, 4 Feb 2012 05:00 GMT Sat, 4 Feb 2012 05:00 GMT Mon, 30 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120130http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120130I love a good mystery, and this movie has two of them: Sun, 29 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120129http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120129Wikipedia says Tom Robbins has a "cult following," which is intriguing, because he writes mostly about cults. This was his first novel, but the fifth I've read. You can see how he laid the groundwork for future books: Chapter-length philosophical diatribes (every book)Graphic sex by promiscuous people (every book)Extensive use of psychotropic drugs (every book)A cult-like Catholic Church (Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates)Fugitive anarchists (Still Life With Woodpecker)The goat god Pan (Jitterbug Perfume)Singing the praises of "floral" consciousness (Jitterbug Perfume) Tue, 24 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120124http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120124If you're being polite about it, William Henry Harrison was an ambitious man whose racial attitudes were in line with those of his contemporaries. If you're being blunt, he screwed a lot of Indians. Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120123Two centuries on, the War of 1812 is forgotten. That's probably because it's tough to teach in a public school setting. You have to set it up with a few weeks of Napoleonic history, explain why impressment of soldiers was so controversial, explain the political divisions and regionalism of the Federalist/Republican split, outline Thomas Jefferson's attempts to shape international relations with the lever of American commerZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ...... Sun, 22 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120122http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120122Just so you know, I did more than watch five movies in the last four months. I also finished about four books. Before we get to our regularly scheduled blog programming, you're going to have to sit through four book reviews. Enjoy! Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120121http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120121SPOILER ALERT! Well, maybe. Fri, 20 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120120http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120120You've probably thought of a few good reasons not to see MI4 -- namely, MI2 and MI3. But you should give this movie a chance. It's directed by Brad Bird, who did all of his earlier work for Pixar. Since Tom Cruise is essentially a cartoon at this point in his career, it's a perfect match. Thu, 19 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120119http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120119Martin Scorsese, genius that he is, managed to make a family movie that would bore 99 percent of children to a near-death state. After watching "Hugo," it's hard to say that it's bad -- the whole thing looks pretty, the story is fairly interesting, and the 3D only gave me mild headaches. But it's also almost completely humorless, and the last half is basically a film studies lecture dressed up as a documentary. Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120118http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120118My wife's review: "Eehh." Tue, 17 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120117http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120117There's been a shameful lack of blog activity these last few months, for good reason. Those of you who follow my comedy career closely know that I am not famous. As a result of continuously not being famous, I decided some time ago to return to full-time office employment, while still enjoying comedy as a second job. This way, I still get to do what I love, while also getting to be happily married and someone who does not eat dog food in order to afford self-employment taxes. Mon, 16 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120116http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120116It was a barn-burner for the pre-MLK day edition of HHT -- our 40th contest overall! "The Kings and Youse" was our opening worksheet; given a list of monarchs, teams had to match them up with their country. "King Me" had 10 questions about various "kingly" things (what city did Larry King get his start in?). "If You Lived Here" was our video round, where teams were shown a famous dwelling and they had to name the famous resident. And "Playoffs?" had 12 questions inspired by the mascots of the 12 teams in this year's NFL showdown (what is steel an alloy of?). We also continued our creativity challenge, which was started in December 2011. This time out, each team had to recite a movie monologue for bonus points. Selections included the end of "Boogie Nights" and the Dr. Evil childhood speech from "Austin Powers." It was classy. Sun, 8 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120108http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20120108I am WAY late on this, but we've got Happy Hour Trivia coming up in just ONE WEEK! On January 15 at the DC Improv Lounge, we'll be offering up the usual brain-bending good times at the same low cost. Since it's a holiday weekend, you won't have anywhere to be Monday unless your company is racist, so be sure to come out and have a good time. Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111228http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111228On the day I was finally eligible to run the government -- my 35th birthday -- I decided to learn about running the government. And so I went the George Washington Masonic National Memorial. Thu, 15 Dec 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111215Tonight I experienced the pageantry and glory that is George Washington University basketball. I'm no stranger to the A-10 -- I went to Richmond -- but it's always good to experience the magic up close. And there is no magic more magically magical than a basketball game on the campus of a school filled with upper-middle-class white kids. Remember, I went to Richmond. I know these things. Sun, 6 Nov 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111106http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111106With so many people joining cults these days, it's nice to see a movie that addresses the pressing issue of reassimilation. After you leave your cult you'll probably want to get right back to regular life, signing up for eHarmony and trying to anchor a bowling team. Well, pump your breaks, because it's not that easy. Thu, 27 Oct 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111027http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111027People were in a giving mood at the DC Improv Lounge, with seven of our teams contributing costumes and decorations for the Improv's annual Children's Hospital Halloween drive. Their gifts helped the kids enjoy the holiday -- thanks for your generosity! Mon, 3 Oct 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111003http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20111003Hey there. Do you like live comedy? DO you also like me? Then have I got a deal for you! It turns out I'll be all over the DC area in the next few weeks, so mark your calendars, take your party dress to the dry cleaners and start socking away the good-time money. Here's where I'll be. Fri, 30 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110930http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110930Me gusta el beisbol, and I remember the "Moneyball" season. The Oakland A's were something to see that year, winning 103 game before totally crapping out in the playoffs. That was the big story for three or four years in a row: the A's overachieved with a bunch of scrubs and really good pitching, then flamed out horribly. Tue, 27 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110927http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110927Every year, there is a movie that sexually repressed men in the 13-25 range will tell you is the hands-down greatest movie of the year and possibly all time. For 2011, that movie is "Drive." Sun, 25 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110925http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110925All good things come to an end, and Nerdcation went out with a bang. Sat, 24 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110924http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110924The action has now moved entirely to the city of St. Louis. Gateway to the West! Depot of destiny! Economically depressed with too much suburban sprawl to make for a compelling downtown! Fri, 23 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110923http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110923We pick up our exciting tale of adventure in Springfield. Our heroic traveler drove three hours from Indiana the night before, braving the terrors of rural Illinois to arrive at a Motel 6. By the end of the day he plans on reaching another Motel 6 in Saint Louis, and in between he will see lots of Lincoln-related crap, plus whatever else he stumbles across. This day will be updated as entries are written, so check compulsively every 5 minutes! Thu, 22 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110922http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110922Hello from beautiful Springfield! I'm assuming it's beautiful, because I got here at night and checked into a Motel 6, after buying peanut butter and bread at a Circle K staffed by, and mostly catering to, people who appear to be on meth. (Or whatever meth-like substance they've managed to make at home. Midwesterners are resourceful, hard-working people -- even the meth heads.) But some very promising brochures I procured in the lobby suggest that this place is a total gas in the daylight. Wed, 21 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110921http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110921It was EWF night at Happy Hour Trivia -- as in Earth, Wind and Fire. Why? Because it was the 21st night of September, of course. So "EWF" featured three questions about earth, three about wind, three about fire, and one about the band. (Example: to the nearest thousand, what's the circumfrence of the earth at the equator?) "September" had nine questions inspired by the lyrics of the song. ("While chasing the clouds away": Speaking of storm chasers, which state gets, on average, the most tornadoes per year?) Tue, 13 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110913http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110913We forget sometimes that language is a luxury: for millennia, man could convey his most nuanced emotions with little more than facial tics, emphatic gestures and the occasional blunt object to the skull. Words have made those muscles weak, throwing up a barrier to the universal communication our species once enjoyed. But every now and then there are glimmers of the past, and I saw one this Saturday. It was in the form of a giant eagle. Mon, 12 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110912http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110912 Fri, 9 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110909http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110909I live a few blocks from a convention center, so my neighborhood is like a Middle Eastern bazaar of astonishing ideas and exciting professionals. One week there's an auto show, the next it's OBGYNs from many lands. You can practically feel the hot sand blowing in your face. Thu, 8 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110908http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110908FACT: The unemployment rate is 9.1 percent. Wed, 7 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110907http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110907In the continuing quest to get more local guys in on the act, the latest episode of the DC Improv podcast gives you Rob Maher. Only, for a local guy, Rob gets around. In the interview he tells us about his recent tour of Middle East military bases -- everything from the fine dining to what it's like fire a huge honking machine gun. It's a very interesting chat with one of my favorite local comedians, and you can download it right here. Or you can click over the podcast page and sign up for the RSS feed. Tue, 6 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110906http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110906 Fri, 2 Sep 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110902http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110902Way back in 2008, Jake was the fourth-ever guest of the DC Improv podcast; we finally scraped together the $100,000 for an appearance fee, so he's back in 2011 for another chat. If you're looking to improve yourself as a human being, you shoud go over to Jakethis.com and watch some videos. He's a tremendous stand-up -- both prolific and funny, with a delivery that no one else has managed to replicate. Tue, 30 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110830http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110830As we're in the end of days (earthquakes, hurricanes, the VMAs), you're probably in need of a chuckle. In my latest column, I look at whether it's the job of the president to give you that chuckle. Mon, 29 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110829http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110829What a weekend. The rubble of earthquake-ravaged Washington was still smouldering, and sometimes reigniting into blazing infernos that charred blocks of rubble at a time. With so many emergency services workers exhausted from the recent destruction of the entire city, those fires were getting to be a real nuisance. The heavens intervened, sending a quashing rain to our metropolitan region. Fri, 26 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110826http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110826 After only seven years (who's counting?) my second comedy album is ready to go. "I Take Requests" features 24 different topics that I was dared to do by friends, family and strangers: everything from Newtonian physics to nunchucks. They're all rolled together into one (almost) seamless performance, recorded at the DC Improv Lounge in June 2011. You can get the whole 67-minute album as an MP3 download for just $9.99 over at CD Baby. Thu, 25 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110825http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110825It was a very special edition of Happy Hour Trivia, as we set the record for "farthest traveled to play." We had contestants from AUSTRALIA. And so in their honor, "Aussie Aussie Aussie" featured 10 profound questions about their great country/continent (which constellation is on the flag?). "Some Rivers Run Through Them," our worksheet, had teams match rivers to cities, and vice versa. "Cradle to Grave" was our video round, and it featured on-location questions from famous birthplaces (Davy Crockett, Duke Ellington) and graves (Alice Longworth, Upton Sinclair). And "Greater/Less/Equal" asked players to fill in operators for conceptual equations: is Jayson Werth's 2011 salary per plate appearance greater or less than the federal poverty level? Wed, 24 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110824http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110824Reggie Watts seems like an affable guy; he has charming confidence and clear musical talent. He's entertaining. Tue, 23 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110823http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110823You might have heard that the Eastern Seaboard was reduced to rubble the other day. I was at my 7th floor office when it happened, and we could definitely feel the building sway. You can never be too cautious in these situations -- preparedness saves lives -- so after immediately bludgeoning my immediate supervisor (in case we needed to eat someone for food) we waited for further instructions from the bigwigs. Fri, 19 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110819http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110819Dov was one of my favorite interviews (back in 2008) -- he's tremendously funny but he also thinks about things on a macro level. This time out we have a lighthearted discussion about the decay of American culture, our education system and Zoloft. Plus we've got a few minutes of stand-up from your emcee for the weekend, Adam Ruben. Thu, 18 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110818http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110818Superfriend Melanie and I went jogging this morning, and like most cool urban joggers in the know, we ended up in a cemetery. Now: I enjoy cemeteries. I regularly visit them to learn about history and impress the ladies. But Glenwood Cemetery officially blew my mind, because Glenwood Cemetery has this: Wed, 17 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110817http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110817In more than seven years of stand-up, Danny's had some interesting gigs -- commentator on "Animal Planet," warm-up guy for "The Tyra Banks Show," and more. His love of sports (he was a star baseball player in college) has landed him at his current gig, host of "Overtime" on WJFK here in Washington. Tue, 16 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110816http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110816If you're searching for something to do this weekend, say, Friday or Saturday evening, then why not take in some light entertainment? I heard there's this Chris White guy over at the Synetic Theater in Crystal City. Mon, 15 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110815http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110815If you wonder what the average American looks for in a moviegoing experience, scratch "surprise" off the list; this was the No. 1 movie two weeks running, and it's the hardest flick to spoil since "Star Wars Episode III." The ending is IN THE TITLE. Sat, 13 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110813http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110813After taking in a few clips and interviews on JB Smoove, I wasn't sure what to expect -- there's the "Leon" character from "Curb Your Enthuisaism," and then there's the brandy pitchman, and then there's the website entrepreneur (theruckus.com). Fri, 12 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110812http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110812Back in my carefree bachelor days I visited whatever I wanted. Two presidential sites in a day? Why not THREE? But I'm married now, and my wife is lucid, so it's not realistic to expect her to go on history benders with me. Fortunately she's an understanding woman who also appreciates the virtues of not spending every waking moment with me. And so I am happy to announce the itnerary of Nerdcation 2011 (Sept. 22-24). Wed, 10 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110810http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110810Up to a few weeks ago, my entire experience with firearms was shooting .22 rifles at Camp Reseca Falls when I was about 10. It didn't make me feel like much of a man, because I'm pretty sure that if you shot a deer in the head with a .22 from 10 feet away, it wouldn't even get a migraine. Also, I was waearing a plaid neck scarf at the time, so that might have crimped the manliness a bit. Sun, 7 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110807http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110807Good news! We're firing up production on some hot new episodes of the DC Improv podcast, which means I once again get to be jealous in front of world-class comedians. Last Friday I sat down with John Mulaney, who is 28 and far more successful than me. I wanted to hate his guts but it turns out he's also a very nice guy. DAMN HIM! Sat, 6 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110806http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110806On the one hand, "Horrible Bosses" is a ridiculous portrayal of humanity, in which (MILD SPOILER ALERT) three men act as the catalyst for a heinous crime and somehow walk away morally and legally unscathed. Fri, 5 Aug 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110805http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110805When you're younger, there's a vision of being all grown up: a job, a home, a family. And then you get older, and you find that it also involves protracted arguments over gay pool parties. Sun, 24 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110724http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110724When it comes to Harry Potter, I'm a movie person. I never read the books and I probably never will. Starting with the first film, there was a disconnect between book people and movie people. If you read the books you had an understanding of characters and plot points that the movie glossed over; if you didn't read the books, it was just an OK kids story with decent special effects. Tue, 19 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110719http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110719Seen on the side of the county courthouse in Greenville, Tenn.: Mon, 18 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110718http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110718In 2006 I stopped at the Andrew Johnson site in Greeneville, Tennessee. I liked it, but for some reason I never took the house tour. I think I would have had to wait two hours for the next one, and downtown Greeneville isn't a place you want to hang out if you have hopes and dreams that might be crushed. But you never know when fate will take you through Greeneville, and five years later ... Sun, 17 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110717http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110717 Sat, 16 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110716http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110716The saying goes: When in Asheville, do as the Ashevillians do. The wife and I won't take bong rips, kick hacky-sacks or play banjo while braless on street corner. That left hiking, so on Thursday afternoon we got in the car and decided to check out Chimney Rock. It would be outdoorsy and scenic, and according to Google maps, a simple 40-minute drive from Asheville. Had I looked closer, I would have noticed that US-74 goes through a town called Bat Cave, which would have been an excellent warning that Google maps is stupid. I love a windy road, but Allyson gets carsick fairly easily, and it's hard to enjoy the beautiful scenery of the North Carolina mountains when your eyes are closed and you're fighting off the urge to vomit. Fri, 15 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110715http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110715Traveling the country as a comedian, I always wanted to see Asheville, but it's not on the way to anything. And once gas got over $3 a gallon, you really only visited places that were on the way. (Unless it's a plaque marking Rutherford Hayes' birthplace. That's totally worth it.) So imagine my delight at getting into the 2011 Laugh Your Asheville Off comedy festival. Here was an honest-to-goodness, real-life, tax-deductible reason to visit the city of my dreams! Thu, 14 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110714http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110714Before there was a California, there was simply Manifest Destiny: the mysterious force that on a winter's night in 1795 compelled Samuel Polk to plow his wife like a cotton field. And so God's plan for Disney on both coasts was set in motion. Nine months later in Mecklenburg County, N.C., future president James K. Polk sprang from his mother's loins. A lot of people sprang from her loins over the years -- James was the first of 10 -- and they did so in cabins that looked something like this: Wed, 13 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110713http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110713By the time you read this I should be somewhere in the greater Charlotte metropolitan area. I'm spending the remainder of my week doing awesome stuff: Tue, 12 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110712http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110712With the shuttle having launched July 8, and the All-Star Game July 12, we split the difference July 10 with a stellar edition of Happy Hour Trivia. After our cold-open worksheet (most popular boy names of the last 10 years), we moved on to "All-Star Game" (what was the most well-known thing orbiting Rao?), followed by "Star Charts" (identifying songs with stars in the lyrics and titles) and "Shuttle Service" (whose sailing ships were the Discovery and Endeavour named after?). Mon, 11 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110711http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110711SPOILER ALERTS. MANY, MANY SPOILERS BELOW. Sun, 10 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110710http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110710You might be interested to know that, like many popular anthems, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" has a number of verses that are seldom sung by the public. These charming lyrics are a reflection of a simpler time. Next time you're at the ballpark, why not try them out? Thu, 7 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110707http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110707 Wed, 6 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110706http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110706 Tue, 5 Jul 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110705http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110705Good news, everyone! The 20th installment of "Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents" is now on the digital shelf over at McSweeneys.net. This time out, inspired by my many friends who have started accumulating babies, I have authored some practical, history-backed advice on how to turn your kid into presidential material -- on a budget, no less. Thu, 30 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110630http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110630Here's a not-exactly-revolutionary piece by Bill Simmons, in which he posits that the perception of success in Hollywood is more important than success. Tue, 21 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110621http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110621We've all been disappointed. Ruby Tuesday runs out of mozzarella sticks sometimes; J.J. Abrams keeps producing TV shows; the "real world" is never quite as awesome as the valedictorian says. Mon, 20 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110620http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110620We experience the arts so that we can learn, and I learned from "X-Men: First Class" what my wife would choose for her superhero name: Larry. Which is to say we were in a chatty mood afterward, because it was a good movie. There have been 43 different versions of the creation of the X-Men, because comic books have less continuity than a David Lynch film. This one seems as good as any: Sun, 19 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110619http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110619"I Take Requests" is now behind me, and I can't thank people enough ... Thu, 16 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110616http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110616 With a few days to spare, I'm happy to report that "I Take Requests" is now a sold out show. If you have 59 close personal friends who would like to attend, please contact me ASAP, and we might be able to add a second show. But for now, we're sticking with the one. My thanks to everyone who has bought a ticket so far. Tue, 14 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110614http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110614Here we are, just a stone's throw from my amazing show (please don't throw stones), and the questions are still pouring in. You know I want you to get your tickets to this super awesome event as soon as possible, so let's see if I can clear some things up for anyone on the fence. Mon, 13 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110613http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110613Hard to believe that by this time next week I'll have recorded the greatest comedy album in the history of Western Civilization (maybe). And so easy to believe that you, the person reading this blog, will have been at the show! Your laughter shall be recorded for all time on the greatest comedy album in the history of Western Civilization (maybe)! Fri, 10 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110610http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110610My high-powered street promotions team informs me that my countdown might be off. Here, I've been trying to create a Christmas-like excitment for my big album recording on June 18. But I Take Requests is on the ninth day, which by some accounting measures means it's eight days away. It struck me that this confusion might have discouraged some people from coming to the show. And that made me depressed. Very depressed. Thu, 9 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110609http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110609We kicked off the summer season with the return of the HARDEST VIDEO ROUND EVER! The first time I tried "rebus" trivia it was a disaster. The idea is that a series of photos serve as phoenetic clues; when you put them together it sounds out a name, idiom or thing. I made the game way too hard the first time; the high score was something like a 3 out of 8, and most people got a 1. This month it went MUCH better, with average scores around 5.3 out of 8. More fun for everyone. Wed, 8 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110608http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110608So after yesterday's post, you're totally stoked, right? You went and you bought a ticket to I Take Requests right away, because you realized it would be the highlight of your entire summer entertainment season, right? You've already set up a tent outside the DC Improv so you can get great seats on Saturday, June 18, right? Tue, 7 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110607http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110607We are now in the home stretch for my second album recording! "I Take Requests" will go down in history as one of the most intriguing comedy albums of all time, for one of two reasons: Sun, 5 Jun 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110605http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110605According to some very reputable sports publications that I read, Bryce Harper will one day make Babe Ruth look like Steve Jeltz. He was already a decent hitter back when he was legally blind, and apparently the Washington Nationals have now spliced hawk DNA to his retinas. Tue, 31 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110531http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110531"The Seven Samurai" is about a bunch of badasses at the end of the samurai era, when Japanese society is in transition and the way of the warrior is becoming obsolete. One super-experienced badass is hired to take out a large hostile force, so he assembles his team and draws up a battle plan. The last sequence is a super-long battle in a town pimped out with booby traps. Sun, 22 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110522http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110522Ferry Farm is a little odd as a tourist site. It was George Washington's boyhood home, but there's no home left: they found a foundation, they know what was on site, but there's nothing to see except for a few holes in the ground. Archaeology is still in progress, but they aren't pulling the skeletons of George's boyhood enemies out of ancient ditches. Pottery shards only tell you so much about the father of the country. But you visit FOR THE LEGENDS! Fri, 20 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110520http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110520 Thu, 19 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110519http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110519For most people, five hours of straddling an engine would count as a full Sunday. But Allyson and I were getting our money's worth from West Virginia, so we took some of the truly awesome highways north that afternoon (thanks, Robert C. Byrd!) to visit the most iconic symbol of that great state: Wed, 18 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110518http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110518I got my wife an ATV tour for Christmas. It seemed more personal than perfume. Tue, 17 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110517http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110517Anyone who'd marry me clearly has a taste for adventure, so for Christmas I got my wife a gift certificate for West Virginia. Mon, 16 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110516http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110516I got word that I'll be performing in Asheville, NC at the Laugh Your Asheville Off comedy festival on Wednesday, July 13. So at the very least, you're going to get some very nice pictures of the Biltmore on this blog. EVERYBODY WINS! Fri, 13 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110513http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110513On Saturday, 6/18, I'll be recording my second comedy album at the DC Improv Lounge. "I Take Requests" is going to feature tons of jokes that I've done on a dare: over the years, friends, strangers and family have challenged me to do jokes on subjects ranging from Phil Collins to quadratic equations. It's been five years in the making, and I think it's going to make for one of the more eclectic and fresh comedy albums you'll ever hear. Tickets are just $10, and if you go, you are guaranteed (at no extra cost) a digital copy of the final result. Be there! Thu, 12 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110512http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110512It was a fine evening of trivia, as all the people with no interest in kickball leagues turned out (i.e., the people we love). "NATO Intervention" had 10 questions based on the first 10 letters of the NATO phoenetic alphabet. "Hard Questions" quizzed teams on hard substances -- diamonds, steel, kevlar, quartz. "Facial Recognition" was our video round. Shown four faces, teams had to determine what they had in common (poets, architects, drummers, etc.). And "Wheeling, Dealing" challenged people to list the 10 top-selling cars in America in 2010. Wed, 11 May 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110511http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110511Welcome to the new chriswhitesucks.com! It has been a long time coming, but I finally wrested (most) control from those guys who registered this site to begin with. So from now on, it's only positive, forward-looking web updates. If it doesn't advance my stellar comedy career, you won't see it on this site. Mon, 18 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110418http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110418A rare weekend edition of HHT still saw a decent crowd and a really fun game. "The 417" featured questions inspired by the 417 area code -- southwest Missouri. "The Eyes Have It" was a music round where teams tried to identify both song titles and bands for various songs (all with an "eyes" motif). "Don't Get Mad" had 10 question based on the plagues of Egypt, and there was a round basically like the 50/50 rounds we've done in the past, only in equation form. Fri, 15 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110415http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110415"Classics Commentated: Treasure Island" is finally complete! The complete classic adventure novel, plus me making offhand remarks about funny nautical terms, is available in its entirety for you to download. That's 8.5 hours of 18th-century goodness, if you're keeping score at home. Thu, 7 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110407http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110407If you watch FX (and you know you do, because "Two and a Half Men" don't watch itself) then you've seen ads for "Wilfred," which is billed as an "FX original series." It has Frodo and a guy in a dog suit. Wed, 6 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110406http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110406Jim's out "On Parole," and it doesn't involve an ankle bracelet of any kind. We're still in the talky talky phase of Part Six, but if I'm right, the treasure hunting begins with chapter 31. The end is in sight, folks! Be there for the grand finale! Tue, 5 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110405http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110405Your knee, at least the one that the Germans didn't blow up, swells ... It's probably going to rain within a few hours. Mon, 4 Apr 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110404http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110404I went to see "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" on Saturday. A local theater was running a mini Liz Taylor retrospective, and I'd never seen the movie. It has some morbidly funny moments, but it's a drama, and a well-written one. All developments follow an emotional arc, and if you invest yourself in what's on the screen, it makes for a good theatergoing experience. But the two middle-aged gay guys in front of me decided to watch the movie ironically, laughing loudly at really inappropriate times. My friends talked it over afterward, and NO ONE could figure out why they were laughing. All we knew was that the laughing punctured the dramatic balloon, deflating the experience for everyone around them. Oh, and they also made a point of tittering when Paul Newman took off his shirt. So how exactly do you tell someome to stop laughing? Thu, 31 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110331http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110331In honor of the start of the 2011 baseball season, some astonishing records you might not know about: Acres of artificial turf ruined by dip spit: Lenny Dykstra, 3,252Incidents of domestic violence directly related to bullpen performance: 2009 Philadelphia Phillies, 821Greatest number of fans not in their seats by the third inning: 5,327, Pittsburgh Pirates, May 23, 2005 (submitted by Dave White)One Fenway Frank: Three days of diarrhea. That's gotta be some sort of record (John O'Donnell)Consecutive days missed with a Canadian "concussion": Justin Morneau, 2,168 (Tom Lappas)Best paper airplane flight: From the top of Connie Mack stadium, swooped on a gust of wind over every level and across the first base line over Richie Allen's head, curved over the pitcher's mound and headed to home plate, forcing the ump to call timeout. It was good. (Tom Wilson)Most Optimistic Fans: 2005 Montreal Expos (Dave White)Least inspirng moment: Mets utility player Roderick "Hot Rod" Kanehl points to his car in the Shea Stadium parking lot, to indicate how he will get home after striking out to end at 12-run loss in 1964Walks to man-sized spiders: 8, Dock Ellis (1970)Hot dogs and hookers consumed during the course a single game: 23/12, Babe Ruth, June 27, 1934 (A rare double-double!) (Dave White)Ethnic slurs heard in one game: 5,213. Tie between Jackie Robinson (spoken by spectators) and Ty Cobb (spoken by Ty Cobb)Worst fan organization: Oakland's "Athletic Supporters"Wild pitches in an inning: 36, Levi "No Fingers, Literally" JohnsonErrors on one play:12, Levi "No Fingers, Literally" JohnsonFewest smiles in a season: -124, Dave Stewart (1991)Times intentionally ignored in a shopping mall by baseball fans in one season: 214, Steve Jeltz (1987) Wed, 30 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110330http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110330Every now and then when I'm driving through a smaller town, I'll ask myself: what do people DO here, exactly? If there are no factories, only a few family farms and the Applebees is meeting all the town's restaurant needs, what's keeping the economy going? Tue, 29 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110329http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110329 Mon, 28 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110328http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110328I realized something about Paul Giamatti: he can never get in shape. It would kill his career, like Jennifer Grey's nose job but without the second chance on "Dancing With the Stars." If he drops 50 pounds and thereby extends his life for 15 years, he never works again, because he doesn't look like an aggreived slob. And this country needs actors who look like aggreived slobs. Aggreived slobs are now 53 percent of the population, and as aggreived slobs we are desperate for cinematic experiences that let us know there are more aggreived slobs out there. It helps us soldier on with our aggreived, slobby lives. Fri, 25 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110325http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110325If you live in the D.C. area, you owe it to yourself to get over the the National Arboretum pronto, to see the flowering trees of spring in all their splended glory! Thu, 24 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110324http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110324Lots more new folks showed, for maybe the most-packed Lounge edition of Happy Hour Trivia. We led off with a worksheet: "Vocal Yokels" had teams matching cartoon characters to the celebrities who provided the voice. "Sweet Sixteen" and "Bracketology" were inspired by the NCAA tournament -- each school and host city got its own question, for a total of 20 (Richmond Spiders: other than the black widow, what North American spider is considered deadly?) The video round, "Mount Up," had teams identiying images of various "mounts" -- mountains, horses or whatever. Average scores: 7 out of 13, 5.3 out of 10, 4.8 out of 10, and 7.2 out of 12. I shoot for 50 percent as a benchmark, and this was the closest I've ever come to hitting that target. Wed, 23 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110323http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110323I had a long weekend, but this treasure ain't gonna unbury itself. So I'm happy to report that there are TWO new chapters for you to download. Jim Hawkins is back in the driver's seat, and someone gets their head caved in with a pickaxe. It's either more or less exciting than it sounds -- you'll have to listen to Classics Commentated to find out! Tue, 22 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110322http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110322It was good to be a steelworker in 1964! Mills were pumping out America's backbone, slag heaps were sexy, and China was still putting all its industrial efforts into peasant starvation. On Saturday night you could drive your 12-ton car down the main drag of your mill town and pick out the stocky, childbearing vessel of your dreams -- and if you ran over some counterculture bum, who cared? It sure wouldn't damage your car, which was made of U.S. STEEL! Fri, 18 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110318http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110318Hey there, all you nancies that didn't run outside in the cold! It's 75 degrees today, so I was thrilled to see you out on the sidewalk, chugging along in your high-end workout gear. Glad to see you out there sporting your mugger-friendly iPods and clogging up the scenic paths! More targets means less chance of me being hit! Just out of curiosity, why are you running? Are you chasing after me so you can recruit me for your kickball team? I'll save you the trouble -- kids' games aren't league sports, and I don't need a pretense to go out drinking, so I'm all set! But if you want to tear up public parkland a few hours each week trying to erase the horrible inadequacies of your childhood, go for it, I say. Thu, 17 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110317http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110317It's St. Patrick's Day! Celebrate! If you're 0 to 10 percent Irish, wear a green shirt to the office! If you're a lady, you can just tell people you're wearing green underwear -- Irish guys like that sort of thing! Just remember that the odds of sexual assault are about 23 times higher on March 17, for some reason.If you're 10 to 25 percent Irish, you can spend up to 8 hours acting like part of a bachelorette party! It's YOUR SPECIAL DAY and EVERYONE HAS TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU! But be advised that if you try to assault another bar patron with an inflatable phallus, and that person is more than 25 percent Irish, you will probably be beaten to death with a pint glass.If you're 26 to 40 percent Irish, you can start drinking at 10 a.m., pick one person and beat them about the face and neck with a pint glass!If you're 41 to 60 percent Irish, you can start drinking at 9 a.m., walk up to one non-Irish stranger any time after 3 p.m., give them a crushing hug while while crying uncontrollably about your mother on their chest, then vomit on their shoes!If you're 61 to 80 percent Irish, you can start drinking at 6 a.m., do any of the earlier items on this list, PLUS walk straight up to a police officer or police horse and kick him/it square in the balls! You get a free pass -- you're really Irish!If you're 81 to 99 percent Irish, you can start drinking at 6 p.m. on March 16! You don't have to leave your dark apartment and if you want, you can mutter uncontrollably about the English. If anyone asks, just tell them it's Gaelic. No one will know the difference.If you're full-blooded Irish, you can start drinking at age 8 and spend the next 60 years of your life crippled by oppressive guilt every time you feel any emotion that resembles happiness! You don't HAVE to, but remember, it's an option. Tue, 15 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110315http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110315The first three sections of the "Treasure Island" project are now complete! That's 15 swashbuckling chapters for your listening pleasure, with 19 to go. Each file is around 11 - 15 minutes long, so you can knock each one out on your commute, or while you exercise, or while you're supposed to be monitoring the pressure levels at a chemical treatment facility. I only uploaded two new chapters today, but here's the complete list, in case you've been slacking. And don't forget, you can subscribe to the RSS feed for my podcast to get the files automatically in iTunes (or whatever program you're using) as they're posted. Mon, 14 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110314http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110314One case in the Decoy Museum is dedicated to giant honking shotguns. They're about 10 feet long, they fire one-pound shot and they were mostly snapped up by the government in 1900. The few that survived were hidden in chimneys to keep them from the feds. The guns would be mounted in low-slung skiffs -- boats specifically designed for quiet paddling, so that a shooter wouldn't alert sleeping ducks. The record for a single shot (if I'm remembering right) was 79 ducks. Fri, 11 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110311http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110311Better late than never, here's the end of Part Two of "Treasure Island." In this exciting episode, Jim and his adult taskmasters realize just how boned they are, and get ready to set foot on the island itself! Thu, 10 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110310http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110310Well, most of Part Two. We're still missing Chapter 12, but that will come soon enough. Tue, 8 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110308http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110308Half a bitter root and tepid water spooned from a tire track! So good! Mon, 7 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110307http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110307Through the miracle of the public domain, I am happy to bring you "Treasure Island"! It's the magical story of wee 18th-century British lad who sets out on the high seas to learn an important lesson: the real treasure was inside him all along. Fri, 4 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110304http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110304Lucky you, it's time for another installment of Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents! Inspired by the horrible, terrible, no-good atmosphere of modern American politics, this time I'm trying to pinpoint where our national dialog went off the rails. Thu, 3 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110303http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110303We're a little quick to attribute every positive social movement to the Internet. A few Egyptians decided to Tweet some protest plans, and the next thing you know everyone's gushing about how social media make it impossible for Arab dictatorships to survive. Well, no. Large crowds of angry Arabs make it tough for Arab dictatorships to survive. There's a good chance people found out about the protests even without a 3G phone. If a few hundred thousand people are setting things on fire down the street, there's a good chance you're going to ask a few questions. Fast-flowing information is nice, but it takes more than that to cut the Gordian knot. Tue, 1 Mar 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110301http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110301Hey fans of free things! About two years ago I had an idea for a project. And now, just 24 months later, I have finally started the early stages of production! Hooray work ethic! Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110228http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110228With Charlie Sheen supposedly setting a new standard for celebrity insanity, it was interesting to power through the last few chapters of "Divided Soul," an acclaimed biography of Marvin Gaye. The last year of his life, coked out of his mind and crippled by paranoia and depression, Gaye was convinced people were trying to kill him. He called a press conference to tell the world he had been poisoned, but survived thanks to an antidote from Dick Gregory. He had two (justifiably) bitter ex-wives and often preferred the company of prostitutes. He accused his bosses of mistreating and disrespecting him. And then there was the wild ego -- Gaye was convinced for years that he was capabable of being a star professional athlete. Sun, 27 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110227http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110227Sitting in the theater Saturday, my buddy Jim explained the expense of move night for a married couple with kids. Once you spring for dinner, a movie AND a competent babysitter -- not my helpful suggestion of picking someone out of a Home Depot parking lot -- you're maybe $150 in the hole. Fortunately, at least one couple got around the financial hardships Saturday night, bringing both a baby AND a 4-year-old to see a 10 p.m. screening of "Drive Angry." Wed, 23 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110223http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110223Metro escalators are good spot for lurking. You get a constant, diverse stream of people with no avenue of escape. Whatever pamphlet, or coupon, or homeless person newspaper you're handing out, at the bare minimum your cause is going to be acknowledged. That's why the last few months, D.C. commuters have been getting a fair share of these guys, who believe the Rapture is happening May 21, 2011. Then the world ends October 21. It's a civic responsibility, really. Mon, 21 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110221http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110221 Thu, 17 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110217http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110217After sitting through Sept. 11 in Key West 10 years ago, I was a little antsy. The plan was to go to Fort Jefferson in Dry Tortugas National Park. It was two hours by boat to reach a Civil War-era fort in the middle of NOTHING. The snorkeling is supposedly awesome, and though I didn't care about the presidents (I'm much cooler now), Dr. Mudd of the Lincoln murder conspiracy was kept there for a time. Wed, 16 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110216http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110216 Tue, 15 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110215After a hard day of managing the nuclear terror you unleashed on the world, a man needs to unwind. Fortunately Harry Truman had the facilities of the U.S. government at his disposal, and the Navy puts bases in all the sexiest party spots. The old commandant's house in Key West was sunny, spacious, and just blocks away from the same bars where Ernest Hemingway had barfed. A terse, elegant, hard-nosed barfing, but barfing nonetheless! Mon, 14 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110214http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110214Hello! I'm just back from a delightful weekend with the wife in sunny Florida. Well, sunny for one day. And when we got back to DC, it was just as warm as it had been in Florida. Thu, 10 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110210http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110210our first edition of Happy Hour Trivia for 2011 had some new faces in the crowd, and hopefully we didn't scare them away. We kicked off by having teams try to name every country in the U.N. that starts with S. "Easy Lovin'" had some (I thought) relatively easy questions inspired by love (What was Barry White's backup band?). We dusted off "Broken Resolutions," which has teams trying to identify famous paintings based on heavily pixilated versions. And "Pitchers and Catchers Report" had questions about pitchers (like Molly Pitcher) and catchers (like Dwight Clark). Tue, 8 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110208http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110208As a man firmly interested in the future, I took my wife to the Washington Auto Show last week to consider the latest crop of flying auto coaches. Imagine my dismay to find that no vehicle on display was capable of sustained flight! None even featured prosumer-quality machine-gun turrets! I was hardly able to catch my breath before realizing that caterpillar treads, surface-to-air missiles and nuclear power plants were all completely absent from the showrooms. Mon, 7 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110207http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110207Spoiler alert: Theodore Roosevelt dies. In the first two volumes of Edmund Morris' TR biography, you got the impression that TR might die someday. And sure enough, right around the end of "Colonel Roosevelt," we have the Rough Rider coughing, sputtering, and bleeding out of things that you really aren't supposed to bleed out of. He always figured he'd live around 60 years, and being a supremely proud man, he decided to make it an accurate prediction. Sat, 5 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110205http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110205Last month in this space I unveiled a bold, non-lethal anti-personnel weapon that fires bags of U.S. paper money at crowds. You stun your target, and the disperal of the bills creates chaos. I call it the Rainmaker 5000. Wed, 2 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110202It is the duty of the civilized man to broaden his horizons, and so on Saturday, January 30, in the year of our lord MMXI, I went to my first monster truck rally. Tne event was called "Monster Jam," and it featured six trucks: Tue, 1 Feb 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110201http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110201Dear sir, Tue, 18 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110118http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110118The Pentagon is looking to save some money these days, and as a patriotic American I'm here to help. The concept is simple: a large-bore cannon that can be mounted to any number of mobile platforms. It shoots loosely-tied $1 million bags of money at high velocity. On impact, the round should stun the direct target; the money will then disperse into a large cloud, creating both a visual impediment to enemy troops and a financial distraction as they grub for cash like a "Price is Right" contestant. Sat, 15 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110115From the advance buzz on this movie, I was expecting a climactic scene in which the stuttering Edward VI challenges Hitler to battle rapping, then defeats Hitler so badly that he commits suicide. Wed, 12 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110112http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110112Look, I'm not a really prideful guy. I don't like to toot my own horn. But I would like to point out that I did not lose ONCE in the 2010 college football season. Not a single team defeated me, all season long. Never did the bitter taste of defeat sully my noble tongue. Tue, 11 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110111http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110111In my continuing quest to understand modern America and our culture of hate, I have been continuing my sociological research of listening to Hot 99.5 in the car. Some recent thoughts: If you are, as Katy Perry suggests in her inspirational pop tune, a "firework," then you are due for an attention-grabbing explosion which also ends your existence. Katy Perry is advocating suicide bombing, I think. Since she recently married a foreigner, we should probably keep tabs on that lady.Ke$ha has thrown us a real curveball with her latest release, in which she advocates dressing slutty, getting drunk and having promiscuous sex in a club setting, preferably to loud music. She has grown as an artist, and she's probably due to relase a song about her secret history of sexual abuse by a family member within the next few weeks.Enrique Iglesias is compensating for something. A LOT.Mike Posner, who I orginially thought was a woman, is still going strong. He doesn't really have a hot new song, but "Cooler Than Me" has stayed solidly entrenched in the hearts of the nation. It's a classic tune, in which a man (Mike Posner) tells a woman what a horrible, hateful, fake person she is, while also lamenting that she will not date him.DJs have no obligation to tell you what songs they're playing anymore, so it's very important to say your name at the beginning of each song. You should also, if you have the time, mention the name of all the guest rappers within the first few seconds, and the name of the album, and the price of an iTunes download, and any upcoming concert dates, and if you're selling any furniture online, and shoutouts for your friends' birthdays. The music industry has changed a lot. Mon, 10 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110110http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110110I'm very excited to let you know about "Mr. President," coming on Feb. 20. The Sunday before Presidents Day, I'll be taking over the DC Improv Lounge for a night of comedy, trivia and videos about the commanders in chief and the people who love them. If you're up for some twisted history, I hope to see you there -- it should be a lot of fun. Even if I'm off my game, the Improv still serves Mexican food. You can't lose! Click on my spiffy ad below to go straight to the ticketing site for the Improv. Thu, 6 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110106http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110106Many were the hilarious gifts given this holiday season: Santa-themed Snuggie, Pittsburgh Steelers-themed Snuggie, animal print Snuggie ... well, they were Snuggies, for the most part. Wed, 5 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110105http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110105"Already required reading in many schools and universities, this work should be in the library of all persons interested in American history." Mon, 3 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110103You'll be happy to know that the dandy look is back for men. (Scroll down to the fashion section if you click through.) This bodes well for the planet, as Americans -- particularly urban Americans -- are resource hogs. Over a lifetime, each young urban American will consume a distressing amount of energy and food, and produce equivalent amounts of waste and carbon emissions, relative to a Third World youth. Sun, 2 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110102It is so resolved: Sat, 1 Jan 2011 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110101http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20110101In a modern surveillance state, there is something keenly sinister about a presence that knows your every action and passes moral judgment on it. It's Orwellian! And so anyone can relate to the deep unease that runs through "Rare Exports," in which Santa Claus is both real and a hideously violent child-eating demon. Take your whole family! Wed, 29 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101229http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101229One of the perks of being president -- aside from controlling the most powerful fighting force in history and a team of security professionals to help arrange extramarital affairs -- is that you're never alone your birthday. Even after you're dead! Tue, 28 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101228http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101228As you watch "True Grit," you keep waiting for the grizzly or macabre twist that will make it a Coen Brothers movie. But after an hour, you can just relax and accept it for what it is: the sweet, sentimental tale of a 14-year-old sociopath's bloodlust. Mon, 27 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101227http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101227The general idea: As a ballerina, Natalie Portman is a slave to perfection. She is obsessive about self-control, both in her dancing and in her personal conduct. To make her EXTRA nutty, her controlling movie mom is a former ballerina, and they live together in a smallish New York apartment. She gets the break of her career when she lands the lead in "Swan Lake" and must dance the parts of both the white swan (pure and innocent) and the black swan (total slut). Fri, 24 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101224http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101224Store-bought sugar cookie mix 2 tsp of the blood of your enemies 1 poisonous snake Decorative icing Cinnamon red-hots (if desired) Thu, 23 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101223http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101223And none until Festivus. Rain blows down upon someone. Wed, 22 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101222http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101222Here's a great holiday treat that's easy for anyone to make! 2 cups gluten-free flour 1 cup Splenda 1/2 cup I Can't Believe It's Not Butter 1/4 cup egg substitute 2 tsp. artificial vanilla Gray food coloring 1 package soy cubes, drained Tue, 21 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101221http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101221These cookies are a snap -- just five weeks of advance planning and you've got a crunchy treat that guests will love. 2 egg whites 1 cup sugar 1/2 tsp. vanilla pinch of salt Mon, 20 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101220http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101220Brothers and sisters, the pride is back! After the contractual end of my presidents columns, then a wedding, then a few months off, production has finally resumed. I am once again actively working on compiling my thoughts about the many commanders in chief. I know, I know -- thanks of a grateful nation, blah blah blah, I get it. Fri, 17 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101217http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101217If you know how newspapers work, then stories like this make more sense. There's not really a comedy "beat" for a reporter to cover, and most stringers don't really have the time to get an in-depth understanding of an industry on the lower end of showbusiness. So every few years, these things get pitched and picked up. A few years pass, assignment editors are replaced, a new crop of stringers moves in, and the stories suddenly become "fresh" again. Thu, 16 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101216http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101216I love rum, and I love butter, but I never really thought of combining them in a beverage. I'm not sure how anyone would have that thoguht. It's not like some guy was walking along the street with a vat of rum, then accidentally bumped into a traveling butter salesman. "You got butter in my rum!" "You got rum in my butter!" "Wait -- you're both right!" Wed, 15 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101215I'm not one to brag, but I have now thrown a massively popular cookie soiree three years running. The general concept is that I make about 10 kinds of cookies to get the ball rolling, and then I have various people over to the house to eat those cookies, because I need to buy affection to validate my self-worth. Fri, 10 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101210http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101210If used dirt didn't work out for you, don't sweat it. I'm full of great gift ideas this year. If there's a special lady in your life, there's one simple and perfect purchase that will make her life complete: Thu, 9 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101209http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101209Another calendar year is in the books, and with it 11 editions of Happy Hour Trivia. We crossed the annual finish line on Wednesday with the usual levels of mirth and anger at the guy writing the questions. After two months of easier contests we were back to "normal": most teams got about 50 percent of the total possible points, which is the stated goal of said guy writing the questions. Wed, 8 Dec 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101208http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101208You're probably hard at work doing your Christmas shopping. I hate to see anyone work hard, and so let me direct you to the gift item that everyone will be talking about for years to come: Thu, 25 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101125http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101125Somewhere around the fourth movie, the Harry Potter series resigned itself to being a companion piece to the book. The stories got to be so complicated and layered that the screenwriters and editors gave up; gone is plot exposition, or reminders of past connections, or a sense of place. If you haven't read the books you spend half the movie wondering what the hell is happening, because it's far too complex. Wed, 24 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101124http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101124One of the side-effects of marrying a Jewish girl is that Facebook now thinks I'm Jewish. Jews themselves think heritage is passed down through the mother; Facebook (though founded by a Jew!) is happy to welcome me to the tribe after changing my relationship status. Long story short, for the last two weeks, I've been staring at ads for "Star of David Pants" from Bonobos.com: Tue, 23 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101123If you missed the site update, the final trivia night for 2010 will be Dec. 8. It's your last chance to prove you are smart in the current calendar year. Miss it and you will have to languish a long three weeks with no suitable metric to measure your intellectual superiority. Mon, 22 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101122http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101122I'm not an expert on economics; at best I sharecrop a very small part of the American economy. I do most of my accounting on the backs of envelopes, and my stock strategy is "buy low, sell lower." Thu, 18 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101118http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101118Back when I had the idea to start up the DC Improv Podcast, our first guest was Bob Marley. The thinking was that Bob is 1) very funny; 2) very talkative; 3) very pleasant. We talked for something like 46 minutes and I edited it down to around 15 (I don't really edit these things any more). Wed, 17 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101117http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101117In the "comments" book at the National Museum of American Art's Norman Rockwell exhibit, Allyson found a doozy: "Where are the black people?" Oof. Tue, 16 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101116http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101116Andrew Johnson was a Democrat serving under a Republican president in the name of national unity. He was loyal, but he was also a pretty horrid racist, and a drunk, and a public relations nightmare. Then on April 15, 1865, he also got to be president. He did not like the overwhelmingly Republican Congress, and Congress did not him. A duel was out of the question. Even in the 1860s, the idea of 200 vs. 1 shootout was ungentlemanly. Mon, 15 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101115It was a big weekend for Chris White Industries. Not in the career sense -- those dreams are dead. HA! Thu, 11 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101111http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101111In last night's trivia contest, we had a worksheet that listed 36 American towns. Only 12 of them were real -- the rest I made up. My personal favorite fake towns: Youdaho, ID; Hair, ME; Meditation, WY; Keep Driving, NV. Wed, 10 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101110http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101110The thunder was once again brought to the DC Improv Lounge for the November edition of Happy Hour Trivia! Tue, 9 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101109http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101109My grandfather passed away last week at the age of 90. I'll save the teary rememberances for my family, but I will say this: he understood the importance of laughter. He didn't always tell the best jokes, but he always made up for it in quantity. Through all of life's adversities he was always willing to laugh, and if you were a guest in his home he wanted you to laugh, too. Thu, 4 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101104http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101104After a half a year off, we're back with a new episode of the DC Improv podcast. The guest this time out is Mr. Todd Glass, who is a pretty interesting dude. He's one of the first headliners I ever had the chance to work with, and he's a super friendly guy -- he has a sort of limitless energy and a mind that never shuts off. A few months ago he had a heart attack, and today he's livelier than ever. Tue, 2 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101102If you haven't already, be sure to vote. This is a momentous, once-in-a-lifetime election that will forever change the course of American democracy. Mon, 1 Nov 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101101http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101101You probably can't make a low-key, ambling movie about the CIA, but the only real flaw of "Red" is that it has too much plot. Sat, 30 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101030http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101030Just got back from a jog to see Stewart's wrap-up on TV, and basically, it's what I said below. But there's kind of a willful ignorance about "how things work" in DC. The idea of overheated public discourse goes back to the 18th century; the idea that we've reached some new low speaks to the conceit of every person that their circumstances are the most dramatic. Believe it or not, things are working right now, whether or not you likle the results. Fri, 29 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101029http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101029Every now and then I do some informal polling on Facebook, in the name of science. Yesterday I asked my friends to list their "preferred" method of apocalypse -- if the world HAD to end, and they could choose how to end it, what would they go for? Thu, 28 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101028http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101028Having just regained full use of my knee, I feel that I can now Share the story behind the fateful injury. Wed, 27 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101027http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101027I had occasion on Tuesday to visit my local Babies "R" Us. It's a fine establishment that upholds the important modern practice of spending $27,000 on specialty equipment and clothing for a creature that will outgrow said equipment and clothing within two days. It's a miracle that any human baby was raised to adulthood in the 60 centuries before the store's existence. Tue, 26 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101026http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101026My wife has all kinds of showbusiness connections, and so on Monday we got some swank VIP passes to a taping of "The Daily Show" in Washington, D.C. That's right, my wife is a VIP! And I occasionally cook her dinner, so I get to go to these things too! The point is, marry above your station. Mon, 25 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101025http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101025I actually did run the Army 10 Miler. It was my first organized road race, and I enjoyed the experience. As you know, I express my enjoyment by complaining. Sun, 24 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101024http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101024I recently ran 10 miles. Wed, 13 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101013http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101013It was a high-scoring battle royale at the DC Improv Lounge -- teams came ready to rumble. "First Things First" was the worksheet round, and it had teams naming famous firsts (Speaker of the House, Chief Justice, telegraph message). "World Series" centered on worldly things (World of Warcraft, Miss World), "Fall Classic" dealt with things that plummet (Skylab) and "Logorrhea," the video round, challenged people to identify a stream of 15 logos. Tue, 12 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101012http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101012The one thing you need to be a first-rate balloonist is the ability to wake up at 5 a.m. It might be nice to have a global positioning system, a butler in a chase car and a manservant with 70 hours of balloon flight training, but those are frills -- and they're worthless if you can't get up at 5 a.m. to go ballooning. "I can't do that!" you are saying. "I will never be a first-rate balloonist! I'll never impress that woman at the methadone clinic!" Sat, 9 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101009http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101009For your consideration: in this ad for the Chrysler Town and Country, several children leaving a school say they will "race" a kid home. The clear implication is that they will kick his ass. This was apparently clearer in the original, unedited version of this ad. Fri, 8 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101008http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101008There is a real inspirational quality to intellectual discourse, whereby you can vastly expand your creative output by engaging in dialogue with others. The man who lives in the Ivory Tower is ultimately left with no ladder to the common man. And so I am happy to share with you the intellectual work product of a recent jog with my brother Steve, a highly successful lawyer: Thu, 7 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101007http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101007The Chris White Can Read Literacy Tour 2010 continues! Yes, in my continuing effort to prove that I a) can read; and b) do read; I offer to you short reviews of the books that I totally swear I read. The latest selection is "At Ease: Stories I Tell to Friends," by Dwight Eisenhower. I picked it up at the gift shop of the Eisenhower Library in Abilene, Kan., at the recommendation of the ladies behind the counter. This was a high-risk purchase -- Eisenhower's "Crusade in Europe" is a feel-good story that ends with Americans dancing on Hitler's grave. I was ready to toss down the credit card for some Hitler-stomping when they convinced me otherwise. Tue, 5 Oct 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101005http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20101005"The Social Network" was written by Aaron Sorkin, so every faux-intellectual reviewer, by law, has to call it a life-changing, genre-defining, Zeitgeist-capturing masterpiece -- because the characters talk so fast! And they're so smart! The movie is surprisingly watchable and enjoyable, considering that it's a two-hour movie about computer programming with no sex, violence, romance or resolution. You can enjoy it like you might enjoy a magazine article. But anyone who called it the best movie of the year should be beaten to death with their "West Wing" box set. Mon, 27 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100927http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100927On April 5 I kicked off my live baseball season. I got to see Roy Halladay square off against John Lannan at Nationals Park. President Obama threw out the first pitch. The Phillies won 11-1 in front of more that 40,000 fans (some of them screaming). Sun, 26 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100926http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100926I love Virginia. I loved visiting as a youth, I loved my college years there, I love each of the 72 presidents born within its borders and I loved living there in my 20s. If they sold hard alcohol in grocery stores I'd marry Virginia. But there's a lot of Virginia that I never got to know. Namely, the chainsaw-related stuff. Wed, 22 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100922http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100922There are many odd monuments in DC. For about 100 years, if you had enough money and you knew where to spread it, you could put up a statue of whatever wackadoo you happened to admire at the time. Case in Point: around 16th and Massachusetts NW, there's a very pleasant tribute to Dr. Samuel Hahnemann, the father of homeopathic medicine. He was a big deal around 1900, when they put up the statue; there were Hahnemann hospitals and schools all over the world and thousands of homeopathic doctors whipping up glorified protien shakes for the sickly. Of course, all his research was total garbage and the vast majority of homeopathic medicine turned out to be exploitive quackery. But what are you gonna do, move the statue? Mon, 20 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100920http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100920I've been a little lax with the book reviews, and I know you can't consume any media product without first reading my thoughts. So here's a threefer. Sun, 19 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100919http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100919 This is one of those movies where (essentially) bad people are presented in a sympathetic light. Their badness is presented as a product of circumstance, so you can cheer for them a little bit, even when they are accessories to murder. Sat, 18 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100918http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100918Paradisus Playa Conchal is a lovely resort that can hold 232,000 in the high season, when temperatures are near 100 and the swimming pools look like a salmon run of fat white people with regrettable tattoos. Our honeymoon was during the rainy season, so there were about 150 guests, and most nights you kept looking for the guy in the monster costume who scared away all the business so he could buy the property for the oil well only he know about. Thu, 16 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100916http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100916My simple farm upbringing was built on three core principles. From the time I was old enough to thresh my first row of wheat (16 months), grandpappy would put me on his overall-covered knee, spit out his chaw and educate me the rules of proper living: Tue, 14 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100914http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100914 Mon, 13 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100913http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100913Not all the major media outlets have picked up the story yet, so here's a news flash: I'm married. It took 33 years, but I finally found someone willing to overlook my many faults ... uh, I mean, respect me for the person that I am. Sun, 12 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100912http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100912I guess we could get into the politics, production values or acting of "Machete," but all you really need to know is this (minor spoiler alert): Wed, 8 Sep 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100908http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100908It was a hot time on the old town as trivia returned to the DC Improv Lounge after a month off (Chris and Allyson were busy with some personal stuff, like their wedding). We were happy to see that despite the month off, no one forgot about us -- the place was packed with a nice combination of old faces and new faces. Plus a woman who used to babysit Mandy Patankin's kids. Seriously. Thu, 19 Aug 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100819http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100819I'm not in the business of telling you how to live your life, but you're a horrible person if you don't go over to Amazon.com this instant and order a copy of Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk. Wed, 18 Aug 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100818http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100818I am a connosieur (sp.?) of fine Internet advertising. We are so used to tuning out sales pitches, I admire anyone who cuts through the crap storm and grabs my attention. For example, the Facebook ads that assume I really want to take a gay cruise. That makes me take notice. Mon, 16 Aug 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100816http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100816Michael Keaton, playing a police chief in "The Other Guys," keeps quoting TLC lyrics. It's enough to be amusing, but you aren't trusted to get the joke -- the other characters keep asking him about it, and he keeps denying it. Something that would have been a cute throwaway in a farce becomes more of a set piece in an Adam McKay movie, where they just bludgeon you over the head with the appetizers and tell you it's the main course. Wed, 11 Aug 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100811http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100811This was easily the best 3D movie I have ever seen about people entering dance competitions. Bar none. Hands down. No doubt about it. Wed, 4 Aug 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100804http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100804After one year and 17 columns, I've reached the end of my obligation to McSweeney's. For the last column, I tried to answer a question that truly motivates me: why it's important to care about the presidents at all. To keep it from being a big pile of schmaltz, I decided to zero in one guy in particular. Franklin Pierce, take us home! Check it out and let me know what you think. Tue, 3 Aug 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100803http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100803I recently solicited some opinions on the institution of marriage from my Facebook friends, in honor of my upcoming nuptials. Enjoy ... Mon, 2 Aug 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100802http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100802It's been a long time, and I'm sure most regular readers have abandoned this stuff. I've been busy planning my wedding, working and generally living life. But with the schedule under control, I think we're ready to tell you about the last few months. So away we go! Tue, 27 Jul 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100727http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100727It's summer in Washington, which means the POTUS is just about due for a bit of vacation -- and the inevitable screaming by people who hate it whenever the president appears to be chilling out. In this excellent column, I not only determine if the president SHOULD vacation (he should), but WHERE he should vacation. I go the extra mile, is the point. Wed, 14 Jul 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100714http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100714This was just brutally hard trivia, so my thanks to every team that came out and took its licks. Sometimes, we don't know how these things will pan out until the questions start flying -- sorry if it was on the tough side, but it all averages out over the years. Besides, if you do good on the hard stuff, you get a super boost of self esteem, right? Right? Fri, 25 Jun 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100625http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100625It took months of reading, interviewing and light researching, but I've definitively answered one of the great presidential mysteries in this installment of Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents. Wed, 23 Jun 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100623http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100623Chris was very tired and punchy (but oddly enough not drunk), so he particularly enjoyed this edition of Happy Hour Trivia. "A Beautiful Game" played off the World Cup with soccer-inspired questions (what city hosted every match of the first World Cup?) and "Wedding Planning" was based on the various aspects of a ceremony and reception (flowers: what nickname does the huge Titan Arum have, based on its smell?). Our video round was tough -- picture analogies. And the fourth round was a little different -- inspired by the national spelling bee, we had a little spelling quiz of our own called "Spell Yeah." We were shocked at how well teams did on the spelling round. Seriously. Sun, 20 Jun 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100620http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100620Dear sirs, Tue, 8 Jun 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100608http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100608One Ms. Katy Perry has recently made some very serious and public allegations regarding the state of gurls in America. Forthwith, a closer look from an admirer of gurls. Mon, 7 Jun 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100607http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100607James Buchanan is a man of several distinctions: only president from Pennsylvania, only bachelor president, only president believed to be gay, and worst president. At some point he was going to get a column. Sun, 6 Jun 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100606http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100606In case you missed the hot spelling bee action on Friday, here's some of the video ... Fri, 28 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100528http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100528This was originally just an audio sketch, but I needed a video presentation for Happy Hour Trivia. So I padded it out. Some NSFW language, but nothing too awful. Enjoy! Thu, 27 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100527http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100527We've got a lot of extra oil floating around the Gulf of Mexico right now. And now we also have predictions of a very busy Atlantic hurricane season. Wed, 26 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100526http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100526We started HHT on May 21, 2008, so this was our 2nd anniversary edition. We celebrated the traditional way -- with four rounds of kind-of-tough trivia. "Last, First" challenged teams to list the top 10 surnames in America. "In Memoriam" was a tribute to memory (how big was the original floppy disk?), "Roads Scholar" featured questions shot on location during Chris' trip to the Midwest, and "News Clues" was a general-knowledge quiz with twist (the first letters of the correct answers spelled out "Elena Kagan"). Tue, 25 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100525http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100525Hey! It's curmudgeon Tuesday! Mon, 24 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100524http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100524I had a very adult weekend, in that my fiancee and I went couch shopping. Her old couch was a large purple sectional, suited to her old apartment but entirely too large for her new place. It had to go. Sun, 23 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100523http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100523If there's a problem with "Iron Man 2," a story about a man who can shoot laser beams from his hands and missiles from his shoulders, it's that it needs some more conflict. Thu, 20 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100520http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100520Before we get into serious social analysis of "Survive the Night" (May 15) let's start with the basics: Wed, 19 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100519http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100519We all think about getting close to the president. For some of us, that means a high-five or a handshake; others of us are planning on some kind of romantic bath. I can't help you with the bath thing, but in my 13th McSweeney's column I try to calculate the odds of you having a special moment with a commander-in-chief. Go read it, and e-mail me to tell me how wrong I am! Thu, 13 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100513http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100513The thing about being a nerd is, you have to go for it. Embrace it, and be embarrassed when you're dead -- no one finds a half-dork endearing. My plane wasn't leaving Kansas City until Monday afternoon, the tornados hadn't started yet, and you're only young once. So on Monday morning, I decided to work on Topeka. It's how I LIVE. Wed, 12 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100512http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100512Childhoods matter. If you grew up in this tiny house ... Tue, 11 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100511http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100511After my Saturday morning of merriment and ribaldry in Lamar, MO, I headed from the Show Me state to the Prairie State, where the men are real men, the women are real women, and I apparently come from Warshington. I pulled over to the side of the road when I crossed the state line, and there were cows mooing in the near distance. Really. Mon, 10 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100510http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100510I'm going on record: I like this town. The downtown is totally dead on a Friday night, and that's the level of excitement Chris White looks for in a Midwestern town -- a place where I can get free street parking, indulge my stupid hobbies and not feel constantly intimidated. Everyone I met was very pleasant and polite, even the guys wearing sleeveless shirts. They didn't seem thrilled about me showing them up with my fancy sleeves, but they were nice enough to tolerate me and not call me gay to my face. So, the intinerary: Sat, 8 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100508http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100508On May 8, 1884, Harry Truman came into the world in Lamar, Missouri. On May 8, 2010, I went to Lamar to see the spot where it happened. And there wasn't a historical reenactment or anything. Way to drop the ball, Lamar. Fri, 7 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100507http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100507Hey champions -- I'm in the middle of a VERY busy few days in Missouri and Kansas, with lots of stuff to see. I'll post write-ups of each location as quickly as I can get to them, but it's gonna take a few days to get through it all. Thanks for your patience. Thu, 6 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100506http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100506Happy day! We've actually reached the 50th episode of the DC Improv podcast, which really isn't that impressive, but let's all pretend like it is. Wed, 5 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100505http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100505The Phillies were in the news this week, and not for the usual reason of being the greatest baseball team in the universe. Instead, it seems that a few overzealous fans thought it would be tons of fun to run onto the field. The 17-year-old kid got tased one night, the 30-something guy was carrying pot the next night. Sat, 1 May 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100501http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100501Way back in September I swore I'd be attending the Kinetic Sculpture Race in Baltimore. Usually, if I say I'm going to do something you can take it to the bank. And then deposit it in some kind of interest-bearing savings account. And then forget about it. And then withdraw it 30 to 40 years later, even though it probably should have been in something with a higher rate of return, like stocks. Fri, 30 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100430http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100430If you aren't religiously checking iTunes for the latest Podcasts, here's a friendly reminder -- you can get new interviews with Kasaun Wilson and Paul Mecurio by clicking on the link to the right. Thu, 29 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100429http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100429We always have a pretty full house in the DC Improv Lounge, but this might have been the most people we've been able to cram into the room at one time. Fourteen teams, about 80 competitors all told. And as for the trivia ... "Zodiac Killers" had 12 questions inspired by the signs (what American show is an adaptation of the Japanese "Beast King Go Lion"). "Fifty/Fifty/Push" once again gave teams a 50/50 shot (what has more lines, a sonnet or a sestina). "State Collage" was a video of me in various locations -- you had to name the state I was in. And "Lickety Split" had licking-related trivia (how many licks to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop). Wed, 28 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100428http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100428I contribute very little to the advancement of humanity. Scientists, on the other hand, contribute a lot. So I decided to apply a little science to my passion for the presidents, and maybe uncover the fundamental natural laws behind a very profound phenomenon: Thu, 22 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100422http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100422Earth Day Tip 512: Every time you start your car, an acre of rain forest bursts in to flames. But if you have to get to Whole Foods, well, I guess that would be OK. Wed, 21 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100421http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100421Greetings from the nation's capital, where I'm happy to report that azaleas are out! Tue, 20 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100420http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100420Going strictly by voice, Lou Rawls sounds like he's wearing a smoking jacket at all times. Mon, 19 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100419http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100419Hey champions! Sorry for the slow pace of news, but I've been out on a one-week celebration of the greatest victory of my life. You may recall, back in the fall I was having some problems with people running their dogs across the street. Now, I have no problem with dogs or their need to exercise. I think the world knows that I have always felt very strongly about the evils of dog obesity and hypertension. Mon, 12 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100412http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100412Watching Obama's performance from centerfield on Opening Day, I got to thinking: it's not that the president CAN'T throw strikes. He has to be physically capable of doing it. So why won't he? Sun, 11 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100411http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100411There's a good chance that you won't be considering the philosophical implications of a movie called "Hot Tub Time Machine," in which case you might want to rent this one day (I laughed, but not $11 worth of laughs). Sat, 10 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100410http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100410Well, I did it: Four baseball games in a week. I communted about 10 miles on foot and spent around 16 hours at Nationals Park. Having no real job finally paid dividends. Tue, 6 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100406http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100406Sunday night the missus and I celebrated Easter the only way a Jewish-Catholic couple can. It was a tough call. As we strolled around Chinatown, we had options: Hooters, some Irish place, Fuddruckers. But we looked deep in our hearts and decided that some religious traditions are worth observing. We went for Chinese. Mon, 5 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100405http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100405If you work out, then you know about Under Armour. It's great! Every article of Under Armour apparel has special scientific properties that take your disgusting, awful sweat (more bacteria than a McDonald's dumpster, from the second it leaves your pores) and "wick" it away. Where does the sweat go, you ask? Good question. It's actually wicked into a small wormhole, which deposits it in the upper atmosphere over the Central African Republic. There it condenses into salty rain, which destroys the crops (and dreams) of the humble, desperate people below -- but at least you don't have sweat running down your back and into your pants. This complex technology is why a sock from Under Armour costs $25. I personally wear Under Armour when I jog, and you would think that a Greek statue just blew by you at an 11-minute-mile pace. It's stunning. I know this because people often stop and point. Thu, 1 Apr 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100401http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100401 People often ask me why I'm against government intervention in the marketplace. Seriously, sometimes I'll just be walking down the street, minding my own business, and Washington's roving gangs of leather-wearing macroeconomists will gang-tackle me and hold me down until I write a position paper. It's the sort of thing that happens all the time in this hellhole. Don't ever move here. Wed, 31 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100331http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100331The other day I was jogging through Anacostia Park, because I have two sworn commitments in life: Mon, 29 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100329http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100329Since I run a multimillion-dollar operation from my palatial rental home, on occasion packages are delivered to the house. A little while back, a disturbing trend developed: if I wasn't home (i.e., in Hong Kong closing a deal with one of my distributors), the UPS guy (or sometimes the USPS guy) would leave a package on the side of the house, right next to the garbage cans but visible from the sidewalk. Sun, 28 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100328http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100328According to some interview I read, Tim Burton didn't feel a "connection" to the Alice books; they're just a series of bizarre events strung together, and there's not much in the way of character development. And he's exactly right. That's exactly the style Lewis Carroll was going for. Also, half the characters are parodies of 19th-century British politicians, so adults today don't get any of the in-jokes. Fri, 26 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100326http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100326Chester A. Arthur, werewolf and possible Canadian, became our fearless leader above Indian grocery in Mahattan. Thu, 25 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100325http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100325I put out some feelers on Facebook for more shark hybrids, and I gotta say I like what you people came up with: Wed, 24 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100324http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100324It was a fine, crowded time at HHT this Wednesday, with a lot of new faces there to enjoy ... uh, a game that I might have made a little too hard. Not impossible, by any means, but in a perfect world I think I'd have given a few more hints on some of the pop culture stuff. Tue, 23 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100323http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100323Time for a new profound question! For the super-special tenth column, I wanted to help you, the reader, figure out if you can ever be the president. Obviously, the Constitution has something to say about that, but who wants to read the Constitution? They amended it like, 27 or 30 times already, so if they're just gonna keep changing it, why bother? Sun, 14 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100314http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100314Manny Pacquiao is a Filipino boxer who was fighting a Ghanaian boxer on HBO pay-per-vie Saturday night. "Dinoshark" is a made-for-TV movie on the SyFy network about a shark that is apparently also part dinosaur. It aired Saturday night. Thu, 11 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100311http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100311Harland is back at the DC Improv (March 11-14) and I got to talk to him a second time. He is truly an interesting dude -- whatever personal mission statement he's living by, he keeps it up throughout the whole day. A lot of what he does is just silly or weird, and as a change of pace from your everyday life it's pretty damn refreshing. Go download the latest chat (or the first one) at the podcast page. And listen to the recent interview with Bert Kreischer too, because I think I forgot to plug that when I recorded it. Wed, 10 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100310http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100310Bend the cost curve! All government-subsidized medical care is provided at Civil War technology levels. Additional centuries of progress may be purchased out-of-pocket.To motivate general fitness, make health insurance eligibility contingent on reaching the second stage of "Ninja Warrior."President Obama should wear a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt in public at all times.Establish local "slug lane" registries for expensive MRI scans, allowing providers to shave costs by cramming three to four patients in the machines for each scan.Take advantage of powerful placebo effects by announcing the addition of low-cost placebos to every municipal water supply. Only, don't actually add the placebos. Just announce it, see? Wink, wink.Establish a national phone bank of Little League coaches who can be reached at any time of day to tell someone to either suck it up or walk it off.Reduce expensive "end of life" care by establishing a 100 percent inheritance tax for anyone who dies past the age of 75.Cut down on emergency room costs by installing restrictor plates on ambulances.Empower Surgeon General Regina Benjamin to declare martial law. Tue, 9 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100309http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100309There's a bar in DC called "Sign of the Whale." For years it had kind of a tavern feel -- dim lighting, nothing too flashy. Some TVs for sports, but beyond that, just a solid, regular bar. It got sold, and the new owners decided to change the vibe and start catering to the young d-bag crowd. It's a good business decision! You go where the money is. Mon, 8 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100308http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100308Another year, another disappointing Oscar broadcast. A roomful of the most successful entertainers in the world, and yet they can't put on an entertaining show. We ask the show to live up to a memory -- not of one particular standard, but of the most exciting moments our minds have cherrypicked from the last 20 years. Wed, 3 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100303http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100303A new McSweeney's column is up! Tue, 2 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100302http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100302Barack Obama, the most powerful man in the world, could not demand than an army of statues be built for his tomb. Even if he thought it was a fun way to spend his book royalties and went through private contractors, his career would be over. So if he wants to be remembered, he has to try to "help people" or "solve problems." Mon, 1 Mar 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100301http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100301 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100226http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100226In search of something different, I checked out the Oscar-nominated animated shorts, packed together into one screening along with a few bonus films. The five contenders below (massive spoilers for all of them): Thu, 25 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100225http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100225Snow delayed the fun by two weeks, but that enthusiasm just builds up behind the trivia dam. By Feb. 24 the trivia town was ready for some trivia flooding. (Metaphor over.) We had a packed house -- not an empty chair in sight -- with 14 teams total. "Speaking of ..." featured 10 general knowledge questions. "Zine-o-File" challenged teams to pick the real magazine titles out of a list filled with fakes. "Broken Resolutions" was a double challenge: given a heavily pixelated image, you had to identify what famous painting was shown AND know its formal title. "Short Stuff" honored the shortest month with questions about short things. And a special 4-point bonus question had a presidential bent: Wed, 24 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100224http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100224It's taken me a few months to accept it, but I think my body has downshifted. And also, the transmission fell out. And three of the four tires are flat and the AM radio reception sucks. Tue, 23 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100223http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100223Who doesn't enjoy the Winter Olympics? Every four years, we get to see this glorious assemblage of amazing athletes who play fabulous sports that no one cares about 3.96 years at time, because we live somewhere warm, are too poor to play them or don't feel like getting up at 2:30 a.m. five days a week to have our semi-lucid and mentally abusive parents drive us to the rink for some ice time before school. As a layman, I love that tingly feeling when a hot-dog aerial skier loses a medal after a lifetime of training because her legs were two centimeters askew as she did 43 backflips and 17 twists in midair. That's what sports are all about. Mon, 22 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100222http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100222"Shutter Island" isn't a bad movie -- it looks pretty, and it's refreshing to watch every character chain smoke -- but it is offensively mediocre. If you get that much talent into one film, it should elevate the material, right? Like, if Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese decided to work on a teenage sex comedy, it should be a REALLY GOOD teenage sex comedy. As the women's field hockey team does jumping jacks in the shower, it should make you both laugh and truly appreciate the quiet and disturbingly human desperation of the sociopathic loner watching from his hiding place inside a locker. Wed, 17 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100217http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100217I have overcome the forces of tremendous apathy to finally post challenge 23. The topic is "Pandemics" and it was suggested by Cory Harris many moons ago. I've been using these jokes for months, but I just got around to taping them and posting it. Be warned that there is some profanity (it was a Thursday night and the crowd was demanding it). This is filmed in Philadelphia a tthe truly excellent Helium Comedy Club. Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100216http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100216I saw this movie on Tuesday night, at a screening by the local B-movie society. I knew it would be bad. I did not know it would be the film equivalent of getting stage 4 cancer in every body part simultaneously while also being set on fire. Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100215Did you know ... Fri, 12 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100212http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100212Happy Lincoln's birthday! In honor of our 16th president, I have devoted my latest McSweeney's column to the log cabin of Lincoln's birth and what makes it special. You can click on over and read it right here. Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100210http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100210Right up front: I really wanted to hate this movie. At a party, it's more fun to be the guy who complains about popular movies, especially if there's a science fiction theme. Nerds will take a challenge to their favorite movie as an assault on their entire worldview, so they go straight into nerd berzerker rage. It never ends with violence, but instead some kind of a challenge to play Guitar Hero to defend your honor. And then you have an opening to mock Guitar Hero. Tue, 9 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100209http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100209Facebook ads are obviously designed to target individual users. I'm not sure what this one is trying to say. Mon, 8 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100208http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100208A few doors down from me lives a couple with 3-year-old twins. After the storm, they dug out their car. On Sunday they had to run an errand with their kids. On their return one hour later, they found that someone had parked in the space they cleared. They did not recognize the car. Sun, 7 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100207http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100207Enjoy! Here's an evil snowman, Andrew Jackson, and two guys PUSHING A BUS. Tue, 2 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100202Promising a "solid future for America," President Obama signed a $62.4 billion odd jobs bill this afternoon at a Rose Garden ceremony. Mon, 1 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100201http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100201I am back in Washington. Thanks to everyone in Philadelphia who came out to the show -- always nice to hear friends and family laughing in the audience. I hope you got your money's worth. Thu, 28 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100128http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100128Hey champions! Greetings from my hometown. I am here performing at Helium, one of the finest comedy establishments in all the land. If you'd like to get in on the good times, there's one show tonight and two on both Friday and Saturday. Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100125http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100125O joyous day, another McSweeney's column is now online! A few weeks ago, I asked some Facebook friends: who would win in a fight between all the presidents? Well, we've crunched the numbers, and the scientific, undeniable answer is ... Sun, 24 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100124http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100124The Improv's main showroom was open (the show in there got canceled), so we headed into the bigger space for a supersized edition of trivia. 22 teams competed, with something like 150 total people. So -- not as cozy as usual, but way more competition! We started off with a music round (matching songs to movie soundtracks). "January Jones" had trivia about people, magazines and songs with the name "Jones" included. "20 10" alternated questions about the number 20 and the number 10. And "Your Name in Lights" was a worksheet that gave you the real name of a celebrity, leaving their stage name for your to provide. Sat, 23 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100123So, I watched the Conan farewell speech, and it was nice. But when people say, "work hard and be nice and amazing things happen," it's a lie. Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100121http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100121Older brother Dave passes along this fine page of artwork inspired by ... well, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. I don't know if it's art, but I know what I like. Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100120http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100120How about an new long-form installment of "Jazz Stories," huh? What? You have no interest whatsover? Then what am I going to do with this new long-form installment of Jazz Stories, in which trombonist Oscar Prince talks about some of the travel opportunities jazz has given him. Sat, 16 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100116http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100116What's sadder: That this place exists, or that I am very interested in visiting it within this calendar year? Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100115It's been a few years, but here's a new episode of Fun Science Facts! This time out, the acclaimed educational program is teaching kids about electricity -- in a fun way! Find out about the magical juice that makes our world go go go go go! Thu, 14 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100114http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100114Some people might wonder why this blog essentially disappeared in December. Long story short, there was a fist-sized hole in the oil pan of my car. And the thing about fist-sized holes in oil pans is, they are not that good for cars. Apparently your car actually NEEDS oil to move, or the engine will totally be obliterated within 10 feet. My understanding is that if you somehow made it 15 feet with no oil, the friction in your engine would actually rip a hole in the very fabric of reality. A portal to Hell would be revealed, a demonic host would issue forth, and those demons would take one look at your engine and feel so much pity toward you that they would forget about setting the world on fire slink back to Hell and have some green tea. Tue, 12 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100112http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100112Hockey is a fine sport that requires amazing skill and endurance, but it has one great flaw: very few hot dog vendors. Sure, you can go to the concourse and get a hot dog. But who wants to get up? If I wanted exercise, I'd play sports, not watch them. Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100111http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100111Sometimes you just have to do things for yourself. In this case, I've obtained audio footage of acclaimed German director Werner Herzog ("Grizzly Man," "Rescue Dawn") making a wedding toast for his good friends Gary and Linda. It's some touching, romantic stuff. Sun, 10 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100110http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100110Some spoilers here. Be warned. Wed, 6 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100106http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100106In my latest McSweeney's column, I tackle the pressing and vital issue of whether George Washington stank. This is the sort of thing you'll need to know before you take your time machine anywhere, so get reading, amigos. Mon, 4 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100104http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100104In 1893, President Grover Cleveland was dismayed to find a rough patch on the roof of his mouth. This was problematic, not only because it was cancerous, but because it threatened Cleveland's favorite pastime of eating like a hog. Rather than shatter the entire economy by making the news of his bumpy mouth public (as Grover Cleveland was the glue holding our fragile nation together), he said he was going fishing. Then he slipped onto a yacht in the East River and had surgeons secretly remove a small chunk of his head. Sun, 3 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100103This move does not stack up with the "King of the Hill" episode where Dale gets to fire people. George Clooney is no Dale Gribble. Sat, 2 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20100102Everybody knows that it's not the holidays without trivia, so we gathered together in the DC Improv lounge to complete 12 glorious months of competition. "Reindeer Games" had 9 questions, each inspired by one of Santa's cruelly mistreated pack animals (the vixen is the female of what animal species?). "Gift Exchange" had 9 questions about some famous presents (what's on the Statue of Liberty's tablet?). The video round had some random trivia filmed on location during my travels, and "Fifty/Fifty/Push" was a new variation on a classic. Thanks to everyone who made 2009 a great year for Happy Hour Trivia. Fri, 4 Dec 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091204http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091204The tradition of the diamond engagement ring was invented by the DeBeers diamond company -- for many years a hateful company that employed inhumane and apartheid tactics on its workforce -- as a way to move inventory. The idea of "two months' salary" being the appropriate amount to spend was arbitrarily selected as part of a marketing campaign. Thu, 3 Dec 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091203http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091203Maybe you desperately want to buy me a gift, but you can't afford the ROM exercise machine (see Tuesday). I can understand that. I'm sensitive to your plight. That's what makes me such a great friend -- the kind of person that you'd buy a $15,000 exercise machine for, if you could. Wed, 2 Dec 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091202Some people are just really, really hard to shop for, and the president of the United States is right at the top of that list. He has tons of stuff already, he's rich, he's super busy ... Tue, 1 Dec 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091201http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091201You're probably all kinds of stressed over what to get me for the holidays. So I think I'll help you out! Mon, 30 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091130http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091130The night before Thanksgiving, we emulated the pilgrims and sat down for some pre-feasting trivia. We started out with "Full House" -- teams had to list the top 10 countries in terms of population. "Giving Thanks" had questions based on the holiday (what dance craze did Dee Dee Sharp start?) and "Kids' Table" focused on famous kids (who starred in the 1960s remake of "Kid Galahad"?). Then, the crowd was not thankful for "Bus School," which turned out to be the toughest video round EVER. It was rebus puzzles with a pop culture twist, and while I had a fine time putting it together, it was much tougher than I had guessed. The high score (out of 10) was 4, and the average score was a tick over 1. Mon, 23 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091123On May 10, 1869, at Promontory, Utah, 10,000 Chinese guys became unemployed. And they commemorate this with a National Park site: Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091122http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091122 Sat, 21 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091121http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091121"Hey Chris, where ya been?" Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091117http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091117The LaRouchies are back! I don't know if you get them in other cities, but in D.C., every few months, you'll be leaving a subway station, and there it is: a sign about the New Deal. Or some kind of international financial system. Or Obama with a Hitler moustache. If you read more than two words of the sign, you will have a glossy-eyed kid moving in on you within five seconds. Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091116http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091116The District of Columbia is filled with young people who feel very passionate about government and doing the right thing. They will tell you at any party, or even on a street corner, how much they care about government and doing the right thing. Some will insist you are a bad person if they think you do not care about government or doing the right thing. And they often express their love of government and doing the right thing in two ways: Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091112http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091112Did you know that in the 1960s, the British government BANNED ROCK AND ROLL FROM THE RADIO? And that it took an AMERICAN to show them how to rock again, by STICKING IT TO THE MAN? Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091110http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091110Archie and Edith made this idea famous; now I'm trying to break in down with science in my latest McSweeney's column. Mon, 9 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091109http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091109This weekend, in need of a little getaway, the girlfriend and I hopped in the car and drove to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe: Thu, 5 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091105http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091105Hey Phillies fans! If you're feeling down, remember that there's always a silver lining: the right field camera from Game 3 just got a 6-year, $150 million contract from the Mets. On the other hand, Alex Rodriguez putting on a World Series ring is actually the beginning of the Mayan prophecies, so we only have three more chances to win the championship before the world ends. Thanks for ending the world, Yankees. Wed, 4 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091104http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091104If you've never been to Eastern State Penitentiary, it's easy to find. Just go to the middle of Philadelphia and look for the huge evil castle. If you hit the oil refineries you've gone too far. Tue, 3 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091103Sorry for light updates in the last week. There are only so many hours in the day, and crying takes up so many of them. Mon, 2 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091102You know the First Thanksgiving: weatherbeaten Pilgrims sit down with generous Indians, and two vastly different peoples share the fruits of their labor and let celebration bridge the vast gaps between them. Sun, 1 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091101http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091101Announcing the Chris White Lifestyle Overhaul Plan six months ago, I sent a clear, prudent message: any plan costing more than $27.50 would not fly. "I have $27.50 in my checking account right now," said Chris White, "and to burden me with crippling debt would be unconscionable." Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091022http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091022You can find out in the latest installment of Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents. It's live on McSweeney's right now! Tue, 20 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091020http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091020In mid-September I wandered (jauntily, as is my wont) into a secondhand bookstore and stumbled on a copy of Herbert Hoover's memoirs -- and not one dealing with the boring crap! No, this particular volume didn't have anything about his dull, snoozy time dodging bullets in China or his dull efforts to handle the Great Depression. This volume got right to the fun stuff: the SECRETARY OF COMMERCE YEARS! Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091019http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091019Too much TV! Sun, 18 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091018http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091018If you're an adult, you've already absorbed whatever this story has to offer (and if you haven't you never will). If you're a kid, you're going to be confused or bored. If you're a really little kid, you're going to have nightmares. From what I can tell the target audience is furries. Sat, 10 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091010http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091010I first worked with DC Benny in Indianapolis a few years ago; between shows on Friday and Saturday, he bought both me and the emcee dinner at a restaurant across the street. Back then I was new enough to think that was a courtesy all headliners extended to everyone. A few years down the road, I know it's just evidence that DC Benny is a really cool guy. Fri, 9 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091009http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091009On Wednesday I had an hour to kill before a gig in Chinatown, so I did what any normal red-blooded American male would. I went to the National Portrait Gallery to look at pictures of the presidents. For something like the fifth time. Thu, 8 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091008http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091008Well, this is upsetting. Good buddy Jared Stern passes along this link about a TV show based on congressman living together in a group house. Wed, 7 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091007http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091007The playoffs start today. I'd like to say I'm excited, but considering that a Phillies World Series victory is both statistically inevitable and fated by the gods of several major religions, some of the drama has been eliminated. Tue, 6 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091006http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091006On Monday night I passed up $125 in freelance work. Instead I went to an open mic watched a disturbing number of people talk about hitting women and having sex with children. Mon, 5 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091005http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20091005Donnell was on "Chappelle's Show." He was Ashy Larry, and he's also the guy who famously says "I'm rich, bitch!" So guess what I didn't ask him about AT ALL? Wed, 30 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090930http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090930Sometimes I really do wish that I had some serious medical problem or crippling social disorder, so that I could build all my showbusiness publicity around it. "Come see the amazing comedian who somehow copes with both combination skin and triskadekaphobia," the press releases would say. "He's not that talented, but man is he brave!" It sells itself. Thanks for NOTHING, mom and dad. You just HAD to make me white, upper middle-class and well-adjusted. Sigh. Tue, 29 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090929http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090929We have awarded the final four Worthless Grants for 2009. Here they are: Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090928http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090928The Renaissance, in case you went to a crappy public school, was a magical time when culture and philosophy flourished throughout the West, chiefly through the invention of food on a stick. Amazing developments in engineering allowed for unprecedented achievements in the field of cleavage. Truly, it was a golden age. Sat, 26 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090926http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090926Last call! Chris White performs tonight at the DC Arts Center in Adams Morgan. It's trivia, videos, stand-up and karaoke all in one show. It might not even be legal. But we're doing it anyway. Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090925http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090925Worthless Grant No. 3! Javier Garcia of Mexico City trained his pet goat to make a fairly decent mojito, every day at exactly 5 p.m. For this, he is granted $15 in Ramen products. Thu, 24 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090924http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090924Trivia was back at the Improv lounge Wednesday with all of the usual magic! Lots of new faces this month, and some victories by old champions. Last month, one attendee told me my questions favored "guy" topics. In her honor, we started off with "Girl Power," filled with empowering lady questions like: "Are bake times longer or shorter at higher altitudes?" We had a very tough worksheet, "Listless," which had teams trying to make an alphabetical list of G8 members, a west-east list of Candian provinces, the last five Best Picture winners and the last five Stanley Cup winners. "The Missing Link" (video) gave teams X and Z, then asked them for Y. (X: "All in the Family." Z: "Good Times." Y: ?) And "It's All Your Fault" featured 10 questions about the blame game: "Which Jewish holiday is the origin of the scapegoat?" Wed, 23 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090923http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090923... what was it? Hmm ... let me think ... Oh yeah! The BEST SHOW EVER! Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090922http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090922Chris, are you going to post this every day this week? YOU BET I AM! Mon, 21 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090921http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090921Hey there champions! This Saturday I conclude my run of small, self-produced theater shows close to home, at the DC Arts Center in Adams Morgan. The show starts at 7:30, and for just $10 you're getting stand-up, videos, trivia and, of course, my undying gratitude (street value TBD). You can make a reservation with DCAC or just pay at the door, whatever you like. Fri, 18 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090918http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090918Thursday was a busy day for Chris White Enterprises. I left the house at 9 to take the subway downtown for a podcast. Then I spent a few hours doing some copy editing at my part-time office. Then I walked 20 minutes into Adams Morgan to drop off some promotional materials, did some shopping and hanging out, walked to Dupont Circle, had a beer with my girlfriend, hit up an open mic, then took the subway home. I was in public or office settings for 14 straight hours. Thu, 17 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090917http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090917Greetings to anyone who found their way here off my presidents column. Please click around, and check back later Thursday for my latest podcast -- an interview with comedian Greg Giraldo at the DC Improv. It'll be the bee's knees. Tue, 15 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090915http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090915Love the Mormons, hate the Mormons or be a Mormon, you gotta admit it's a pretty interesting phenomenon. Any religion bigger than a cult these days is usually rooted way in the past -- modernization hasn't been all that kind to the sorts of wackiness that you have to swallow to get a starter faith up and running. But the Mormons are a couple million strong and they're younger than America. And Vermont has the monument to prove it! Mon, 14 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090914http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090914Calvin Coolidge was famously conservative with words. At one White House dinner party, a young woman challenged him directly. She turned to the president and said: "A good friend has bet me that I cannot get three words out of you." Coolidge, without looking up, said just two words: "Guards! Kill!" Thu, 10 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090910http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090910I generally don't want to tell you how to live your life. But the thing is, if you're anywhere near Baltimore this weekend, you have a moral and spirtual obligation to come to my show at Hamilton Arts Collective. It's only $10, and you're getting comedy, trivia, stand-up and more. In these troubling economic times, if you pass up a deal THAT GOOD, it's like punching a poor person in the face. Wed, 9 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090909http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090909 Tue, 8 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090908http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090908If you make it through the four-day work week in one piece, you should reward yourself with a night out ... IN BALTIMORE! Fri, 4 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090904http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090904In the time before paper trails, the Internet and talk radio, politics was a different beast. In the 19th century, you could actually -- get this -- accuse someone of not being born in America! What a silly, preposterous time! Hee hee! Thu, 3 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090903http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090903Things were looking up for Franklin Pierce in January 1853. He was a veteran of war, a veteran of Congress, and the nation had just elected him to become the youngest president in U.S. history. Sure, there were tough issues facing the country, and maybe his wife wasn't thrilled about the new job. But who wouldn't be excited? Wed, 2 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090902http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090902The modern presidency, in which one man is expected to solve all the problems of the world in eight years or less, was born in Buffalo. The man of the hour was Theodore Roosevelt, as the previous man of the hour had just died about a mile away. Wearing a borrowed suit and surrounded by McKinley's cabinet (but no photographers) he took the oath, promised to do exactly what McKinley would have done, and then over the next three years trampled on all sorts of things that McKinley wouldn't have touched with 50-foot pole. Here's where the magic happened: Fri, 28 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090828http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090828Hey folks -- just saying hello. So far the "I Take Requests" summer mini-tour is going great. I've seen some friends, taken in some sites and had two good shows. I'll have some photos and a full report when I get the chance to sit down and really hammer it out, I promise. Wed, 26 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090826http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090826People of the Boston area: gird your loins! Mottley's Comedy Club is home to "I Take Requests" on Thursday night. For just $12, you get stand-up, videos, trivia and some other kinds of entertainment (no live nudity, sorry). It's gonna be a gas. Tue, 25 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090825http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090825People of the upstate New York area: here's your big chance! Tomorrow night I will be kicking off my "I Take Requests" tour at the Stone Mill in Little Falls. It's a fine evening that involves stand-up, videos, trivia and a little bit of singing as well. Good times are guaranteed. You can get tickets online (links through the Stone Mill site), and they're just $10. Mon, 24 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090824http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090824You'd be hard-pressed to call any movie relationship genuine, but I think "(500) Days of Summer" comes close. It's not meant as a happy story, really, but as the evolution of something simple to one person and complicated to the other -- exactly the kind of thing a lot of people have stumbled through in their 20s. There's lots of posturing about the nature and possibilities of love, but when theory meets practice everyone gets lost in a muddle. Fri, 21 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090821http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090821Bored on a Friday? Here's some fun with the Internets. Thu, 20 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090820http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090820The concern going into August's trivia contest is that we wouldn't have enough seats. A company organizing a night out with the co-workers made a reservation for 30, which is something like half the capacity of the DC Improv Lounge. Guess how many people showed up on that reservation? Go ahead, guess. I'll wait. Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090819http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090819Here it is! From Anne and Steve Zweidler came the suggestion for "Bad Breath." I like a few of these jokes ... the video is a little iffy, because of one group of chattering ladies in the middle of the room, but in general I'm on board with this stuff. Enjoy! Tue, 18 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090818http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090818You may recall last week that my exercise bike died. So yesterday I gave it the usual treatment for dead things: I dismembered it and spread the body parts around town. Mon, 17 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090817http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090817Hey champs! Happy Monday. A very happy Monday, in fact, because we are now just a week or so away from the onslaught of the "I Take Requests" Summer Tour 2009! Thu, 13 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090813http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090813Trust me: you really, really want to go to Indian Head black box this Saturday to see me and Jared Stern bring the thunder. NOT ONLY will you see great stand-up AND two excellent examples of oozing machismo, but you will see the WORLD PREMIERE of a brand new video featuring me, Jared, and a bunch of guilt. It's top-notch. Wed, 12 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090812http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090812It is with great sadness that report the demise of a dear friend, one who spent countless hours in the last six years pressed against my sweaty butt. Tue, 11 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090811http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090811Here's a friendly reminder that we're rapidly approaching the performance of myself and my good buddy Jared Stern at the black box theater in Indian Head, Maryland. I had a blast there back in February and I'm really looking forward to the return visit. Should be a fine night of stand-up for all in attendance. Get on it, folks! The show is Saturday night at 8, and tickets are a mere $10 -- if you're in Charles County, do yourself a favor and snag some seats. Mon, 10 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090810http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090810If you enjoyed the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers ... guess what? I've actually interviewed two of the roasters. Click on over to The Podcast Page and you can download MP3 interviews with both Jeffrey Ross and Greg Giraldo. Neat, huh? Sat, 8 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090808http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090808OK, you. Knowing this stuff won't make things any easier, but it's still important stuff to know, so listen up. Here we go: Fri, 7 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090807http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090807One of the great disadvantages of being president is that sometimes, when you want to get away from your giant taxpayer-funded mansion, your private mansion on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere just isn't private enough. We've all been there. Thu, 6 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090806http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090806Intensive Dungeons and Dragons studies, with lab. Students are introduced to the lore, character creation process and tactical theory of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, with four-hour gaming sessions twice a week. Miniature painting is mandatory, as is playing Magic: The Gathering at lunch. Wed, 5 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090805http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090805Greetings from scenic Blacksburg! Scenic, if you consider cows scenery. Just finished a fine show to a packed house here (it's a standing Wednesday show that has been running for five years, and it's very good). Then tomorrow it's off to Lynchburg. It's a Klan family vacation itinerary! Dad, how to we get to Lynchburg? Well son, we have to stop in Blackburg first! Mon, 3 Aug 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090803http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090803About a year an a half ago, I decided to expand my "I Take Requests" show outside of DC. I set up a date at the Hamilton Arts Collective in Baltimore. I was pumped. Fri, 31 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090731http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090731Having already dealt CF Nate McLouth, 1B Adam LaRoche, OF Nyjer Morgan and numerous other players through June and early July, the Pirates have continued their activity this week: Thu, 30 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090730http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090730Announcing a new stop on my Summer Tour: the Hamilton Arts Collective in Baltimore. Die-hard fans will recall that I had a show lined up there more than a year ago ... and then the place shut down. But they're back! Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090729http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090729American TV is often reserved for the beautiful, or at least not hideous, people. So when flipping channels, you really take notice when you come across Wendy Williams. Oddly enough, she looked OK when she was just a radio host, and now between botox and plastic surgery she is painful. Really, she now looks like Helena Bonham Carter. In "Planet of the Apes." With DD boobs. Tue, 28 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090728http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090728Sometimes you don't really WANT potato chips, but a friend is having a bag of potato chips, and so you eat a few potato chips, and then over the course of seven or eight years as you sit around talking, you absent-mindedly eat most of the potato chips. You don't really care about having more potato chips, but why bother putting away the rest of bag? You sort of have to finish it at that point. Sat, 25 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090725http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090725After languishing in Web obscurity, some of my favorite mini writing projects have finally been collected on chriswhitesucks.com. There's a new link you'll notice on the right side of the page, called the "Reading Room." Fri, 24 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090724http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090724Good times this week as I chat with "Whose Line" star Greg Proops. He's very talkative, and after starting out chatting about the Mongols (seriously), we get into his start in improv, intercontinental comedy, his trademark glasses and some fashion tips. 40 minutes, but there aren't really any gaps. I used to watch the British version of the show all the time, so I gotta say I've been an admirer of his work for quite some time. Thu, 23 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090723http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=200907231. So often we only see the "pleasure" end of guidodom: half-drunk semi-literate people with spiked hair trying to show off their physical fitness on a boardwalk, while using sexual harrassment as an icebreaker. But to maintain that physical fitness, and still be free in the afternoons to get back out on that boardwalk, guidos must get up early for the business end and exercise in the blazing, exposed heat of the seashore. So the next time you see someone clearly hungover, close to vomiting, yet still running 8-minute miles in a 90-degree morning sun, show some respect. Pop your collar. Wed, 22 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090722http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090722Mount Vernon has been called the autobiography that Washington never wrote. Sagamore Hill, then, would be the comic book that Theodore Roosevelt never drew. Tue, 21 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090721http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090721 Life is mostly drudgery, with the occasional oasis created by special occasions spent with special people. Those moments are few and must be carefully chosen, and forever cherished. And so to celebrate my girlfriend's recent birthday, we watched a man eat 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090720http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090720 New York has at least five zoos, which could explain the smell. It seems like a great thing to have so many options, but when it's go time -- when you actually have to pick a zoo to visit with your girlfriend and her parents -- you have to make some serious decisions. What am I looking for? Thu, 16 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090716http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090716We had a short turnaround from the last trivia night, but another packed house! In honor of Bastille Day, we had a bunch of questions about prisons and prisoners; we also apologized for the nasty June games with "Easy Does It," a round of lightweight questions. On the video side, "On the Road Again" featured questions filmed in Charolottesville, Hyde Park, Detroit and more. And we closed things out with music: naming the singers of 12 different "summer" songs (Mungo Jerry, anyone?). Wed, 1 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090701http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090701Most people, when attending a horrible movie, will stay through the end of the movie. Even if it's 150 minutes! You paid $10 and you're going to sit through the whole thing. The same rules apply for a bad comedy show ($10-$20). And you'd almost definitely look at every painting in a bad art exhibit if you dropped $10 to get in the door. Mon, 29 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090629http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090629On Saturday me and the GF hit up Artomatic for the second year in a row. It's a giant month-long showcase for D.C. artists, and for the second straight year it was in a partially completed office building -- so that's 9 floors of paintings, photographs and the occasional sculpture or installation piece. You know, for the discriminating buyers who wants something that appears to be a pile of scrap metal, to keep in their living rooms. Sat, 27 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090627http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=200906271) I called Orkin last week, in part to say hi, but mostly to set up an appointment to kill some of the other living things in my house. The guy on the phone called me ma'am, so I corrected him. When my roommate called later in the week to follow up, they had it on record that "some woman" had called earlier in the week. Thu, 25 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090625http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090625Good times in the DC Improv Lounge last night! The house was packed for HHT, with 70 people crammed in to compete for 90 minutes. We had 90 reservations, but our brilliant answer girl / organizer Allyson was spot on figuring out that the attrition rate is about 30 percent. Basically, if you don't charge for an event, people think it's OK to make a reservation and then not show up. So you go from "me and my 13 friends will be there" to "me and one person I met on the steps are here." That's preferable to the table of 9 where no one shows up, though. Who am I kidding, I love you all. Wed, 24 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090624http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090624Thanks to my excellent choice in women, on Friday I was able to attend the 65th annual Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner at the Washington Convention Center. For people who don't watch a lot of C-SPAN (i.e. losers), that's the second of the two big dinners for reporters each year where the president is invited, and then some kind of speaker tries to avoid career suicide while making fun of the president. General thoughts: Tue, 23 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090623http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090623Drag Me to Hell. After a violent encounter with a gypsy woman she had denied a loan extension, attractive loan officer Chris notices the gypsy's car in the parking garage as she heads for home that evening. She then GETS A DAMN SECURITY GUARD to walk her to her car. When the gypsy woman attacks, the guard easily puts her in a choke hold. Now able to focus on her work, the loan officer is promoted to assistant bank manager and spends the next 70 minutes approving small business loans -- a hell she has shockingly dragged herself to. Mon, 22 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090622http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090622Better late than never! Last week I talked to Judah Friedlander of "30 Rock" and "American Splendor" fame. I think the conversation is a little slow at the start, but once it gets rolling he shares his thoughts about quite a few aspects of Hollywood. Neat stuff. Tue, 16 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090616http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090616Please enjoy this latest exciting audio sketch, which I cleverly titled "Into the Woods." It is a stunning morality play in 13 acts. Do not be fooled by the 4 minute, 45 second run time -- it is a tour de force, a veritable encapsulation of all the learning the Enlightenment has to offer. Mon, 15 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090615http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090615"Drag me to the movie theater for another viewing!" --chriswhitesucks.com Sat, 13 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090613http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090613As an unemployed person, the chances are that you won't be interested in the needless luxury item known as health care. And if you do care ... Fri, 12 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090612http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090612There's a new Prius ad where, as the car drives along, cartoon trees and flowers sprout from the ground in its wake. I know a hybrid is BETTER for the environment, but at what point did it become GOOD for the environment? You're still driving a car that produces some carbon and has a battery which is probably a bit toxic. They don't exactly shoot seeds and rainbows out of the tailpipe. Thu, 11 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090611http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090611I find unlawful military detention to be a great stain on our nation's moral fabric, a condition that lessens us all as a people. Each day that we hold prisoners in this way, millions upon billions of radical extremists are hardened in their resolve to end the greatest nation in the history of the known universe. Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090610http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090610I am not a fashion plate. I am not even a fashion paper plate. But if you have Stan Van Gundy's body type, button-ups are definitely the way to go. Tue, 9 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090609http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090609Minority WhipCommitte of the WholeEnergy CommitteeOberstarLouise SlaughterPeople On the MoveFuture Combat SystemsBraintree MassOil System MasterThe Church of the BrethrenGun LobbyThe Destin DomeDream College Sat, 6 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090606http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090606Of the many things I have never done, zip lining, as of Saturday, is no longer one of them. I could have started out in the rainforests of central America or the mountains of the Pacific Northwest, but being a man, I cut my teeth in the astonishing wilds of Savage, Maryland. Arriving at Terrapin Adventure, I boldly stepped into and adjusted my crotch harness. Then I walked, as normally as possible while wearing a crotch harness, a gruelling uphill path through a parking lot, so that I could stare death in the face. Fri, 5 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090605http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090605I first met Mike Sacks at The Washington Post -- he was my co-worker when I started work there in the late '90s. After a few months, he moved to New York City, where he took a job with Vanity Fair. Wed, 3 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090603http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090603 Zachary Taylor was a war hero and president. But first and foremost, he was a Virginian, and so he gets that state's highest honor: Tue, 2 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090602http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090602 There's a mouse in my house. Pop culture paints mice as the heroes of the rodent world, the cute cuddly friends that always overcome the odds to survive with a smile on their face and a joke in their heart. One mouse cutting across my living room was enough for me to overcome this programming. I WANT BLOOD. Fri, 29 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090529http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090529Ralph and I have a lot in common. First, we were both on "Last Comic Standing 5," and second, we're both from Philly. Only he was on the show for most of the season, not two minutes, and he's actually from Philly, not Delaware County. And he's black and I'm white. But other than that, we're practically twins. In this (very pleasant) episode, we talk about all sorts of stuff, especially what it was like for Ralph to grow up as one of ten kids in a rowhome. And to think how sullen I was to share a bedroom with my brother to age 12 ... Thu, 28 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090528http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090528These guys look familiar. What a coincidence! Wed, 27 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090527http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090527I'm back! Where have I been, you may ask? Well, I've been editing a textbook. Because my 30s are every bit as crazy as I had imagined. Tue, 26 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090526http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090526Jeff was the second ever guest on the DC Improv Podcast, and about one year later he's back! This time out we talk about his exacting standards for friendship, the trauma of having his baseball cards stolen and his magical adventure to Salt Lake City. Wed, 20 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090520http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090520We made it through a year of Happy Hour Trivia! And we celebrated by ... well, playing trivia. Why mess with a good thing. After a (brutal) worksheet round (matching captains to ships -- of a possible 20 points, the average score was 3.5), we got into the anniversary theme. "Give Till It Hurts" had questions based on the traditional annual anniversary gifts, "Happy Anniversary" (video) had people identifying the years of various famous events, and "Team Effort" was inspired by some of our favorite trivia team names over the last year. Tue, 19 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090519http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090519Abe Lincoln gave millions of Americans a great reason to avoid live theater; it was his parting, and perhaps greatest, gift to the nation. Sat, 16 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090516http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090516It got me. I made fun of Detroit too many times, and as punishment, the universe took my wallet. Here's the timeline: Fri, 15 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090515http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090515Hello from Detroit, the city that never sleeps, because if it did, its stuff would get stolen. I love this town! Thu, 14 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090514http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090514I overpaid my cable bill by $780 the other week. This is a lot easier to do than you might think. I use online bill paying, "Citibank" is right next to "Comcast" on my screen, and presto! One absentminded click later and Comcast gets my credit card payment. Completely my fault. Wed, 13 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090513http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090513This is a few weeks old, but here's a story where the alleged Craigslist killer is remembered as a nice, smart boy. Tue, 12 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090512http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090512Any true student of the human condition watches a lot of Game Show Network. My roommate and I, some evenings, decompress from our awful, salt-mine days by taking in "Lingo," which serves, at the very least, as proof that Chuck Woolery is probably a robot. I think he could actually host the show in his sleep, and I'm not entirely convince that he isn't. Chuck might, in fact, be a creature willed into existence by our collective conscience for the sole purpose of hosting game shows. He doesn't age. Fri, 8 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090508http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090508We get a nice variety on the DC Improv podcast. Last week, Larry Miller, this week ... almost his exact opposite. Brian Posehn! Most people probably know him as Kevin, the mail room guy from "Just Shoot Me," or as one half of the nice gay couple on "The Sarah Silverman Program." Thu, 7 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090507http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090507Our national mission to recreate the last days of the Roman Empire continues! We make fun of social conservatives, but I think you could make a pretty good case for home schooling, or regularly beating your children with a Bible, after reading this article about "sexting." Wed, 6 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090506http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090506What better way to say, "I don't love you anymore," than through the media! Tue, 5 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090505http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090505Are you a loser who feels the need to show off your iPhone by using it for regular tasks that no one has ever needed an iPhone for since the dawn of time? There's an app for that. Mon, 4 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090504http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090504When monsters fight aliens, the only true winners are the viewers. Fri, 1 May 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090501http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090501Oh yeah! Larry is a comedy legend. You've seen at least one movie that he's been in, and even if it was a bad movie, you thought Larry was really good in it. Trust me! Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090429http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090429If you're ever in Scranton for a day, you're just 117 miles from Hyde Park. And if you once drove two hours to see a picnic table honoring Millard Fillmore ... Fri, 24 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090424http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090424There's a great scourge sweeping this nation, so let's just get to it: flip-flops. Thu, 23 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090423http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090423Stephen Ambrose, now dead, apparently took to the grave a massive man-crush on Dwight D. Eisenhower, judging from the repeated insistence throughout this book that Eisenhower was stunningly handsome. This is problematic, because the cover of the book is Eisenhower looking like Professor Farnsworth from "Futurama." Wed, 22 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090422http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090422Last night was Happy Hour Trivia at the Improv Lounge, and here's your recap ... Tue, 21 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090421http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090421Long before Fidel Castro and the Freemasons joined forces to assassinate President Kennedy, or railroad exectives and the Freemasons joined forces to off McKinley, or Lucretia Garfield, her lover, Chester A. Arthur and the Freemasons took down Garfield, there was a conspiracy most foul to take out Lincoln! Mon, 20 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090420http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090420This was a momentous weekend for me, as I am now going through the great change in life. Hormones and age have finally caught up to me, and I now a set forth on the magical journey that takes me from young to crotchety. (adj. -- having the properties of a crotch) Thu, 16 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090416http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090416Bobby, aka "The Pitbull of Comedy," was ranked at No. 80 on Comedy Central's "100 Greatest Comics" list. I actually worked with him a few years ago in Baltimore, and it's almost impossible not to be impressed by what he does -- it's really raw, really offensive (if you're thin-skinned), and really fast. If you see his show night after night, you pick up that there are set pieces and standard jokes, but he moves so quickly and so seamlessly that it's mindblowing. He gets away with ten things a show that most people couldn't do in a million years. Wed, 15 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090415http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090415Only 155 games left ... sigh ... Tue, 14 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090414http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090414Washington has by conservative counts 342,000 world class museums that, thanks to your tax dollars, are completely free to people like me who actually live here and can enjoy them. Thanks for subsidizing my weekends! Mon, 13 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090413http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090413Much like the last movie I saw starring Julia Roberts and Clive Owen ("Closer"), no one in "Duplicity" is really on a fundamental level a good person. They're all petty, horrible and selfish, to the point where they're willing to defraud a company out of millions and ruin the lives of thousands of shareholders. But they're good looking! Sat, 11 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090411http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090411Always wondered which Facebook quiz most captures the essence of your personality? Take this quiz and find out for sure! Thu, 9 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090409http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090409I had a good time chatting with Aisha, who against all reason is a 6-foot-tall, beautiful black nerd. You don't see that combo very often. Tue, 7 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090407http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090407... I don't care about your video blog. All the required attention of television without the production values or editing? Bleh. Lo siento. Mon, 6 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090406http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090406Happy baseball season! For those of you who missed it, last night the Phillies and Braves kicked off baseball season 2009. Or, to be more accurate, the Braves kicked it off at around 8, and then the Phillies showed up at around 10:30, which is to say the Phillies lost and looked to be in mid-season slump form right out of the gates. I was really worried that having my team win the World Series would somehow make it harder to be a fan, but the grim acceptance of inevitable loss was established in my childhood, and so it is forever imprinted in my brain. I'm OK with an 0-1 start! On the other hand, if you are a Yankees fan who was, oh, 7 years old right around 1998, your life will be mired in crushing disappointment most years. HAH! Sat, 4 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090404http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090404Here's one for the bookmarks ... my brother Dave's new Web comic, Different Package. Dave's a fine artist with an excellent sense of humor and I fully advocate you checking his web site every day and also sending him money on a regular basis. Fri, 3 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090403http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090403In my quest to become a better citizen, I thought I'd read a little more about my city's government. Here's a quote from the page of my Ward 6 City Councilman, Tommy Wells: Thu, 2 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090402http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090402Intriguing story out of DC as the U.S. hopes to drop all charges against Sen. Ted Stevens and then decline to retry the case. Not that Ted didn't do something wrong, but the government prosecutors crapped all over the process, repeatedly, and the judge, who even acknowledged what a crappy job the prosecutors were doing during the trial, let things proceed. Wed, 1 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090401http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090401Happy April Fools Day! Not everyone is prank-minded, so here a few easy jokes you can play on the people in your life. Especially kids -- they're stupid! Tue, 31 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090331http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090331Here you have it, part of the grand finale to "I Take Requests 6." Thanks to my friend Don Marcogliese, the founder of D'Apostrophe. I apologize if I've spelled the name wrong ... and as always I apologize for my singing. Mon, 30 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090330http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090330Special thanks to everyone who came to I Take Requests 6 on Saturday night. That includes the table of five girls who bought the tickets expecting to sneak into Harland Williams, then left five minutes into my show when it became clear their plan had failed. In these troubling times, I'll take a sellout any way I can get it. Sun, 29 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090329http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090329"I Take Requests 6" is in the books, and I'm officially calling it a smashing success. Since I'm not famous enough for anyone to bother contradicting me, you'll have to take my word for it. Thu, 26 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090326http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090326Some new blood made it to the top this month. Hot Amoeba Action scored a 27 out of a possible 43, then took the dramatic tiebreaker over the Neo Fights (which had a few past champs among the ranks) to take home the crown. By "dramatic tiebreaker," I mean they sang their verse of a karaoke song ("My Girl") with a bit more pizzaz, and then in the ensuing dance break, they brought some serious heat. No disrespect to the Neo Fights, though ... representatives from both teams were starting to disrobe and throw garments in the quest for First Place. It was a fine display of sportsmanship all around. Red Beaver returned to the podium once again, scoring a 26 and then taking out Splinter Group in their 3rd-place tiebreaker (naming Shakespearean tragedies). Wed, 25 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090325http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090325 Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090324http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090324I've been reading politics for the last two days solid, so here's a brain dump: One of the 500,000 things that Congress is trying to swallow right now is an expansion of "national service" programs; per Obama's request, they want to triple the size of AmeriCorps and significantly increase the incentives to volunteer. Volunteering is great and wonderful and good and yay AmeriCorps, but at what point do you get paid so much that it's no longer volunteering? I don't know exactly how many hours a week you have to kick in to get $5,000 a year in tuition, but there are some crappy part-time jobs that would pay that amount, right? If you have to keep sweetening the deal to get people to sign up, then it's not really the spirit of volunteerism that's driving people. In any major city you can volunteer about a bajillion places for no pay if that's your thing. Getting people to "volunteer" for the great and glorious good of the nation is vaguely 1960s China. Just sayin'.Republicans' best chance of recapturing the hearts of Americans would be picking leaders with good hair. Eric Cantor, John Boehner ... hairmets. Mitch McConnell has standard old-guy hair: not bad, but underwhelming. We need a middle-aged dude who doesn't appear to be in a glee club. Have some photos on my desk by tomorrow.Rep. Andre Carson, D-Ind., rapped in high school under the stage name "Juggernaut."Here's my favorite paragraph I've read in the last month: "Sage Eastman has joined the minority staff of the House Ways and Means Committee as a senior adviser for media and public affairs. Eastman will also continue to hold his current position as communications director for the committee's ranking Republican, Dave Camp of Michigan. He previously was communications director for Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox, for the gubernatorial campaign of former Michigan Lt. Gov. Dick Posthumus and for the Michigan Republican Party." Mon, 23 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090323http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090323Buck Howard isn't exactly a failure, but he is a dried-up husk; once a popular mentalist, now he's stuck playing half-full rooms in smaller towns. He's old and, to the people who decide what's cool, irrelevant. Work in showbusiness long enough, and you know that most people don't take the transition gracefully; instead, there's a perpetual air of frustration and bewilderment around such performers. They didn't stop being good at their jobs, but they never evolved, and so the culture left them behind. Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090320http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090320I interviewed Fip, a comedic hypnotist, back in July 2008 for the Improv. That interview was a lot of fun, and it's been one of the most popular downloads off the DC Improv site. Thu, 19 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090319http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090319Editing and proofreading seldom qualify as "fun," but if you spend a week reading stuff, things pop up: Wed, 18 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090318http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090318In the days before Air Force One, or Cadillac One, or anything much above Ornery Mule Train One, presidents relied a bit more on the staycation. Lincoln, for example, would get away from the horrors of war by heading three miles north of the White House. To stay with a bunch of soldiers. Next door to a cemetery where more soldiers killed under his command were buried every day. Did I mention there were nice breezes? Tue, 17 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090317http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090317Last week I had the pleasure of performing at one of my favorite clubs, Philadelphia's Helium. It's in my hometown, and on top of that it's a really well-run club that attracts some pretty excellent crowds. Sat, 14 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090314http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090314In two weeks, I'm back at the DC Improv with "I Take Requests 6." I'm going to have a new challenge in the show, plus a new finale and the usual other goodness. If you're in the DC area, come on and check it out. Only $10 -- you can't beat that price for two hours of entertainment. Trust me! Fri, 13 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090313http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090313More fun drama that you've missed during my blog vacation: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090312http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090312 Hey party people! Thu, 5 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090305http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090305It's a great feeling to know that, after five years of writing, polishing, promoting and performing my stand-up comedy routine, after five years of attempting all sorts of side projects that might make me more viable as an all-around entertainer, after five years of praying that my car won't break down and that medical problems won't force me back to full-time office work ... Fri, 27 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090227http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090227He's back! Bob was the first person interviewed for the DC Improv podcast, and nine months later he's now the first person interviewed again. Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090226http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090226 History repeats itself! We had a lot of new teams on board (welcome!), but the winners circle was a carbon copy of January. Red Beaver (hey, they choose their own names) scored 29 out of 42 to nail down first place for the second straight month. Our most tenured team, the Golden Triangle Gun Club, had their usual strong showing with 27, which matched the score of up-and-coming Sqizzle. The Gun Club won second place honors by naming a "Razzie" winner in the tiebreaker. Wed, 25 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090225http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090225But I love Nanerpuss. Tue, 24 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090224http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090224On Saturday I went to a restaurant called "America," which honors our nation's diversity by having a 48-page menu. If the quality of the food is seen as a hat tip to American production standards, then union labor, have I got a boycott for you! Mon, 23 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090223http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090223It's great how an industry of people who spend every waking hour trying to entertain Americans has no concept how to program three hours that would be entertaining to Americans. Every year! Here's a hint for next time: cut down on the crowd shots where the studio audience looks bored. Also, drop all the production numbers in favor of a three-minute montage of starlet cleavage shots. Sat, 21 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090221http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090221Some days, you feel life isn't going your way. That's when it's time to look at ... Fri, 20 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090220http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090220Slumdog Millionaire: I didn't see this movie, but I think it's like "Juno." That means it's pretty good, but mostly it's about the viewer (usually an upper-middle-class white person) feeling proud of themselves for having watched it. It's about poor foreign people! Hooray! And it even has a Bollywood dance number in it, so it feels like an authentic cultural experience. Good for you for being so open minded. Now go rent "Water." Wed, 18 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090218http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090218Do yourself a favor and watch this goal by Alex Ovechkin. I've been to one NHL game this year, and it turns out to have the best goal I've ever seen live. There were times in Ovechkin's first year where he'd get the puck, look around, realize no help was coming and then just go around three guys and score. He's gotten alot of help since then, but this was definitely a throwback. Awesome stuff. Mon, 16 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090216http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090216It's Presidents Day! You might have heard that I like learning about the presidents, and if you're in a reflective mood, why not click over to the Dead Presidents section of the site? Every time I visit a presidential location (home, birthplace, grave or other) I write it up and store in there. The page that consistently gets the most hits is ... Sun, 15 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090215I was deeply, profoundly offended by this show. I was OK with the adult themes, the ethnic stereotypes, the graphic puppet sex and the liberal use of profanity. But the character of the 32-year-old failed stand-up comedian was a hateful, needlessly cruel caricature. SHAME! SHAME, I SAY! Thu, 12 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090212http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090212In honor of Abe Lincoln's birth, I give you an encore presentation of "Lincoln: The Early Years." Wed, 11 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090211http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090211Tuesday night I took in "The Winter's Tale" at the Folger here in D.C. (thanks to brother Dave for the nice gift of Shakespeare tickets). I read that play to write a paper on it as a high school senior; it's one of the weirder Shakespeare plays, in that it's 3/5 tragedy and 2/5 comedy. It also has arguably the most famous stage direction in dramatic history: Exit, pursued by a bear. Watching the play, it makes sense. But when you're reading the scene in question., there's no indication that a bear has wandered along, and so you get the distinct impression that maybe Shakespeare had a hot date and wanted to finish the scene ASAP. Kudos to the Folger for selling gingerbread bears at intermission. Tue, 10 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090210http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090210Driving to the show on Saturday, a sign caught my eye: "Chestnut Oaks: Luxury Adult Condos." Used in conjunction with domiciles, "adult" is usually a polite euphemism for "dirty, godless and perverted." And now those people have whole condo associations! What a brave new world. Sun, 8 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090208http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090208 Sat, 7 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090207http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090207Hey there champions -- "I Take Requests 5" is tonight at the Indian Head Black Box Theatre. I can't wait to try out this new venue, and I think it's going to be a fine show. Just $10, so if your around and looking for something to do, stop on by! Fri, 6 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090206http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090206Hey fellas. If you're in a bad relationship right now, here's the plan: Thu, 5 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090205http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090205Watching the debacle that was "Saturday Night Live" last weekend, they informed me that Bradley Cooper would be hosting this weekend. This made both me and my roommate say: who's Bradley Cooper? Wed, 4 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090204http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090204First off, I would like to express my profound regret to the president. My only desire throughout this episode has been to serve this great nation, and while I have no doubt that I will be exonerated, I feel that the questions swirling around my nomination at this time can only serve as a distraction in these troubled times. Tue, 3 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090203http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090203For fans of "24" seeking my "insider" Washington "knowledge," judging from the exterior shots in last night's episode, the terrorist command center is in ... Mon, 2 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090202So I took most of the week off. Sue me. So much to discuss ... Tue, 27 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090127http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090127Lost in the happy-go-lucky chirping this week about Great Depression 2.0 and torture is the slightly upsetting news that we're all hopelessly doomed. Mon, 26 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090126http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090126For reasons not entirely clear to me, the last three Sundays I have watched "Tool Academy" and "Rock of Love: Bus." In most circumstances, this would be deeply shameful, but "Rock of Love: Bus" has maybe the most inspiring personality in television history. Her name is Ashley. She looks like Paris Hilton with breast implants and hair extensions, she's a raging alcoholic, and she talks like a valley girl with none of the pleasant ditzy qualities. Also, she might be pure evil. Sun, 25 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090125http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090125My friends and I had the "suicide seats" at Saturday's DC Rollergirls event: on the floor, on the turn. That means the odds of getting close personal attention from the rollergirls, by way of them sliding into you, is very good. It happened twice! Sure, you could have a baseball or basketball player land in your lap at a game, but they probably won't be wearing fishnet stockings at the time. There was also an impressive moment as one of the girls I was sitting with managed not to spill her beer during a collision. Amazing athleticism all around! Sat, 24 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090124http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090124I'm changing careers. I am, as of today, a professional J.J. Abrams. Watch this: Fri, 23 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090123 Thu, 22 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090122http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090122I am no sucker. My keen and discerning eye has kept me from many a swindle. Sure, I may have gone in on a few time shares, or paid $500 for the "special" Jiffy Lube engine treatment, but on day-to-day basis I use my "street sense," honed in the broad lanes and cul-de-sacs of Upper Providence, Pennsylvania, to beat the hustlers. Wed, 21 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090121http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090121Grizzled old racists finally get their day in "Get Off My Lawn: The Movie," also known as "Gran Torino." Clint Eastwood somehow makes bitter generational hatred fun again! Simple story: a gruff, blue-collar Korean War veteran refuses to leave his Detroit neighborhood, even though it's filling up with all the immigrants he hates. Lonely from the death of his wife and completely out of touch with his kids, when events give him a chance to interact with his Hmong neighbors, he grudgingly moves forward, learning to appreciate them while at the same time dropping every ethnic slur imaginable straight to their faces. Walk Kowalski isn't exactly sympathetic, but he's certainly more complex that most grizzled movie racists, and Clint Eastwood even at 78 definitely plays a badass better than anyone on the planet. A near-octogenarian facing down gang members sounds stupid on paper, but on the screen, it actually seems plausible, and at a few points in the movie you will be eagerly anticipating your own old age, when people will fear you simply because no force on Earth has been able to kill you just yet. Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090120http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090120I was out for my afternoon consitutional, only to discover 2 million more people than usual on the streets. Apparently we have a new president. Did you hear about this? Some notes from my walk past the inauguration: Fri, 16 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090116http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090116This time out the DC Improv let me do something a little different ... ROLLER DERBY! I talked to Anti Entity of the DC Rollergirls, Washington's all-female roller derby league. In the podcast we do a bit of an overview of the sport and the atmosphere, plus she explains how the girls get their names. Thu, 15 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090115 Inauguration weekend is almost here! For most Americans, it means the dawn of a new era of hope. For Washingtonians, it means a bunch of starry-eyed *******s blocking traffic. Some people say there are no real Washingtonians, that we are a city of tranplants and passers-through. To them I say, a true Washingtonian is a person whose enjoyment of special occasions is surpassed by their annoyance over street closings. That's when you know it's your home. Or that you're a buttwipe. Either one. Wed, 14 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090114http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090114You might have seen the story that the guy in line for Treasury secretary has tax problems. He "forgot" to pay self-employment tax on some of his earnings. Tue, 13 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090113http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090113As a holiday gift, I enrolled my girlfriend and me in a dance class. We're learning West Coast Swing, we've had one class, and sadly there was no fishbowl. Beyond that, I really like the concept: the man basically stands still, the woman has to learn most of the steps, and yet by virtue of being a man, I still get to "lead." It's like the 1950s in dance form! Mon, 12 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090112http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090112There is something very cruel about showbusiness; it dangles the promise of wealth and fame always just out of reach, and so some people can never really resist going for it. You see people succeeding or failing around you, you don't understand why, and all that gets you through is the belief that maybe if you work a little harder the breaks will magically come to you. That you're doing it voluntarily makes it unsympathetic. Thu, 8 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090108http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090108A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to run into Brett Leake (he's one of the podcast interviews). Brett has muscular dystrophy and uses an electric wheelchair. Last year he upgraded his chair to a "standing" model -- it can actually get him in an upright position, which is good from a health perspective. As a result of this, he's been dealing with a new problem: for the first time in a while, he's had to keep his pants up. When I saw him, he was wearing suspenders. You don't see suspenders much these days, so I immediately commented on them. Tue, 6 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090106http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090106Somewhere in the mix with strong nuclear force, weak nuclear force, e-m force and gravity is 5th-grade perv humor. You can't stop it. You can't contain it. It will relentlessly destroy us all. Mon, 5 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090105http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090105Next month, ITR 5 comes to Indian Head, Maryland! I'm so excited I made a commercial. Sat, 3 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090103Comedians sometimes struggle with promotional biographies. You want people to know who you are, you might want to be funny, and you don't want to sound like everyone else. I have finally found a man who has mastered the art. From the Jokes.com (Comedy Central) page for Kevin Hart: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20090102I had a great New Year's Eve, except for the nagging belief that there must be something better to yell at midnight, especially if you're at a party. Some suggestions: Oh god, the Prophecy!Begin phase three!Who farted?Oh god, the ransom deadline!Naked time!I want a divorce!Time to steal first base! Wed, 31 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081231http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081231You should probably resolve to make peace with your god, because all life on earth is about to end. Tue, 30 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081230http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081230One correspondent, after hearing about the bear in the Santa suit, passes along news of a bear holding a chainsaw in New Mexico. Actually, do a google image search on "chainsaw bear" and enjoy the results! Mon, 29 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081229http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081229The first time I met D.C. Benny was in Indianapolis; we were working the Downtown Crackers together a few years ago. I remember being very impressed by him, because he bought me food more than once. Tue, 23 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081223http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081223I don't expect much from local news, but Philadelphia's NBC affiliate did a 3-minute story about a report that clears Barack Obama's staff of any improper activity in the Rod Blagojevich mess, without actually mentioning that the report was compiled and written by Barack Obama's staff. My journalism degree started tingling immediately. Mon, 22 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081222http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081222This one was a lot of fun. Even if you aren't familiar with Bert, you've kinda sorta heard of him -- he is the inspiration for the movie "Van Wilder." During his 7-year stay at Florida State he was profiled by Rolling Stone as the biggest party animal in the country. (You can get the article on the media section of Bert's web site.) Sun, 21 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081221http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081221Watching televison the last week, I get the distinct impression that some guy at the McDonald's corporate HQ accidentally added a few zeros to their seasonal McNugget order. Either that or there was some kind of chicken-killing pandemic at McDonald's-owned coops. Whatever the reason, ETHNOCENTRIC MCDONALD'S ADS ARE BACK! YES! YES! YES! Sat, 20 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081220http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081220Congrats to my alma mater for winning the college football championship! Uh, the I-AA championship, but we'll take it! Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081219http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081219Trivia fans ... if you missed the last Happy Hour, here's somebody's cell phone footage of the Dance Off to determine the ultimate winner of our second game (yes, I stole this idea from Quizzo). The passion ... the sensuality ... you gotta get to the Jan. 21 show. You owe it to yourself. Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081218http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081218If we have the metrics, someone needs to measure the social benefits of charitable work done by the Salvation Army. And then we need to weigh it against the damage done by people who have psychotic breakdowns after working near Salvation Army bell ringers for a month. Wed, 17 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081217http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081217There's a holiday treat waiting for subscribers of my super-awesome podcast. It's a three-minute sketch of sugary goodness which really captures the spirt of the season. If you want to give yourself a free present this year, subscribe through iTunes ... you'll get any sketches like this that I produce, plus all the interviews I do as part of the Dc Improv Podcast. What a bargain. Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081216http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081216I was in the bedroom that my brother and I shared as kids, only we were both our current ages and sleeping in queen-sized beds. We were both tucked in and the lights were out. Mon, 15 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081215This is a huge couple of days for me, cosmetically speaking, because I have to renew my driver's license. In 2004 I was lucky enough to experience the finest ID photo ever taken of me, which means that I didn't look like an earlier stage in man's evolution. There was glare off my glasses, but I wasn't smiling broad enough to make any extra chins and I didn't have anything in my teeth. Sun, 14 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081214http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081214The preview for "Doubt" insinuates pedophilia by a priest, and then shows Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman screaming at each other for about three minutes. Bust out the Oscar polish, right? Thu, 11 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081211http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081211I just finished another interview for the DC Improv, this time with Steve Byrne. He had a one-hour special on Comedy Central that debuted over the summer; plus he's been on Leno and Kimmel and a bunch of other stuff. You might recognize him as the guy who always wears a black suit with a black tie (he explains in the interview). All told he was a very pleasant guy, and the conversation gets into his thoughts on performing and evolving his act, which any comedy fan will definitely appreciate. (Plus it's funny.) Wed, 10 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081210http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081210Lost in all the stink over Rod Blagojevich being a horrible crook (really, he's terrible at it) is the fact that Illinois voters, against all reason, elected someone with Rod Blagojevich's hair. I ask you, which is the bigger crime? Tue, 9 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081209http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081209Hello again! Housecleaning time ... Wed, 3 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081203http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081203The biggest ever Happy Hour Trivia night is now in the books! We played two separate games (three rounds each) with the crowd (which got in free, also a new experiment) of about 100 people. Not too shabby, say I. Tue, 2 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081202From the modern art chapter of my forthcoming coffee table book, "Things My Guests Should Know": Mon, 1 Dec 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081201http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081201Somehow, this year I forgot about my campaign to turn Thanksgiving into Xgiving. So remember, when you're relating the stories of familial horror, it happend on Xgiving. We can make this happen. Tue, 25 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081125http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081125From the onslaught of movie reviews and get to what you all come here to read: my thoughts on politics. Wait, wha ... ??? Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081123Going to bed Friday night, I was pretty sure that "JCVD" was the oddest movie I'd see all year. But I was young and foolish then, as Van Damme has now been kicked in the teeth by Charlie Kaufmann. Fri, 21 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081121http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081121It seems odd to use "Jean-Claude Van Damme" and "defies characterization" in the same sentence, but there's finally a reason! In "JCVD," Van Damme plays Jean-Claude Van Damme, a faded action star with cash-flow problems and a custody battle on his hands; returning home to Belgium, he accidentally stumbles into the middle of a bank robbery, and the authorities mistake him for the perpetrator. Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081120http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081120 There's a scene in "Die Another Day" where James Bond (who has an invisible car) rides a piece of wreckage like a surfboard to survive a laser-created tidal wave, or something along those lines. I remember watching it in the theater and thinking, "This is the worst moment in James Bond history." Something had to change, and it did: James Bond is now a remorseless killing machine! Wed, 19 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081119http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081119 Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081118http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081118Everyone wants to know what I think, and I think that's great. Mon, 17 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081117http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081117The last stop in the Chris White Seattle Tour 2008 was Alki Beach in West Seattle, the original landing spot for the white folks hoping to make the area home. After a season of getting pummeled by the weather, they got the hell out of there and headed to Elliot Bay, leaving only coffeeshops, quaint beach homes and rollerblading paths behind. The way the geography works out, you get maybe the best view of downtown Seattle from Alki: Sun, 16 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081116http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081116Another fine day in Seattle! This morning I had breakfast in the oh-so-trendy Queen Anne district with good college chums Chris and Stacey, and then I spent about four hours digesting that breakfast on their couch. It was a big breakfast, is what I'm getting at. Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081115That's what Seattleans (Seattlelites? Seattlers?) say when Mount Rainier is visible on the horizon. From Tuesday through Friday, the mountain wasn't out. On Saturday it was, and I swear to you, it looks fake. Rainier is so big, so dominating, that I can't imagine how something that imposing COULDN'T be visible all the time. I couldn't see it yesterday from the Space Needle, but with blue skies and low haze, it magically appeared. Crazy. Fri, 14 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081114http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081114My vast material wealth sometimes gets me down, so I decided to do something about it on Friday. I went to the Space Needle, where for only $16 you can get a view that can be topped only by the observation decks of five or six of the local skyscrapers. Eight tops. See for yourself: Thu, 13 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081113http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081113Get it on! Bang a gong! GET IT ON! Wed, 12 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081112http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081112Here's your Seattle Comedy Competition update: Two days down, four to go! And if current trends hold, that will be the end of it, because both days I've finished out of the top five (in a group of fifteen). The good news is that my sophisticated and sensual style definitely helps me stand out; the bad news is that the judges so far haven't been favoring my sophisticated and sensual style. But tomorrow is another day, another venue and another set of judges ... after the halfway point, we should definitely have a good idea of if I should be moving around my travel plans. Tue, 11 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081111http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081111Hello from Seattle! I did lots of great travel today, and everything went very well, but since this is a blog I am obligated by law to complain about things like I am the only person they happen to. So here we go! Sun, 9 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081109http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081109After I wrap up business here in Atlanta tonight, I drive home to Washington tomorrow, and then by 1 p.m. PST on Tuesday I'll be in Seattle. So no updates until Wednesday, most likely. Sat, 8 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081108http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081108 Last night I was watching Greg Fitzsimmons perform at the Punchline (he's very good). The first 30 minutes, everything was great. Then, a young, jet-setting white-trash couple the next table over decided to start making out. The guy definitely had some boob-grabbing going on, and every time they kissed it was one of those really wet, smacking kisses, loud enough to be audible throughout the whole room. The sound made focusing on the show impossible. It's like watching someone clip their toenails on subway car: you don't want to watch the horror, but as you're reading your book all you can hear is the clipping, which gives you a perfect mental image of what you aren't looking at. (This actually happened.) Fri, 7 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081107http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081107 Thu, 6 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081106http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081106Greetings from the lost city of Atlanta! I am at the Punchline this week, pulling split duty -- Headliner Greg Fitzsimmons had a slight change of schedule, so I am headlining in his place on Thursday and Sunday. If you show up for the show, and you're disappointed not to see, Greg, deal with it. I want to be the starting third baseman for the Phillies. We all have our disappointments. Wed, 5 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081105http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081105Many readers expressed concern regarding my recent Faustian bargain, in which I agreed to eat cheesesteaks in exchange for Phillies World Series wins. So far, I appear to be fine, and as of yesterday my sweat is no longer yellow and oily. I appreciate your concern. Tue, 4 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081104http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081104Having completed two corn mazes, one successfully, I am now an Expert, and as such, here is my wisdom. Mon, 3 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081103One of the great things about my lifestyle is that every time my favorite sports teams win a world championship, I can drop everything and go to the parade. EVERY TIME. What I'm getting at here is that I was in Philadelphia Friday with 1 million to 2.5 million fellow fans, screaming like a girl as my favorite team rode past on floats. It was fun! Some notes: Thu, 30 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081030http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081030Woodrow Wilson didn't exactly gallop across the finish line of his presidency, what with being half paralyzed and not tremendously popular even in his own party. So instead of heading back to the healing waters of New Jersey, he set up shop in Washington, D.C., in spitting distance of the White House. What better tonic than to live in the shadow of your failures! Wed, 29 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081029http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081029Phillies win! The last time you could say that on the final day of the season, I was three years old. Awesome. Mon, 27 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081027http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081027By midnight tonight, it's entirely possible that the Philadelphia Phillies will be the 2008 World Series champions. IF I play my cards right. Thu, 23 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081023http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081023Here are the videos from "I Take Requests 4," on October 11. The first is a few minutes on fishsticks -- the 18th and most recent challenge, put forth by a YouTube commenter whose real name I do not know. But what the heck! The second video is the grand and patriotic finale. It's me doing more singing, this time the Ray Charles version of "America the Beautiful." Enjoy! Wed, 22 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081022http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081022You cheer for a team all season long, you watch and listen whenever you can, and after six months they reward you by falling miserably short. Then you get drunk. Or at least that's how it usually works! This year, though, the Phillies have made it back to the World Series, for the fourth time in my life and the second time I can actually remember. The last time was 1993, when I was a senior in high school. That year, I couldn't watch game 6 against the Blue Jays because I had a marching band competition. We finished playing on the field, ran back to the bus and were changing into street clothes. One girl on the bus had a walkman and listened to the radio broadcast as Mitch Williams pitched to Joe Carter; she related each pitch as it happened. We were all pumped, ready for a game 7, and then the girl with the radio screamed. Tue, 21 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081021http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081021We were sailing the Caribbean on Columbus Day, the same week that Columbus landed there 516 years ago. There have been slight improvements to shipbuilding technology since the 15th century, such as: water slides; 24/7 hot dog access; jogging tracks; sports bars; miniature golf courses; and turndown service. But aside from these tiny modern amenities, it was like reliving the Columbus experience! Yes, you might have been able to float the Pinta on one of the Valor's three swimming pools, but when you get down to the essence of it all, we're all just people on the open seas, looking for adventure, and playing video poker until we arrive at adventure. Get in touch with history. Take a cruise. Mon, 20 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081020http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081020You can pick up a lot of different souvenirs on a cruise, but is there any momento better than the constant feeling that you're still on a boat? I hope it never ends! Walking to the refrigerator has never been this fun. Sat, 11 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081011http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081011 Maybe my favorite part about the financial crisis is how every day, the government tries to do something shocking, drastic and new to stabilize the markets / short-term lending / the suicide rate of hedge fund managers, and every day things get worse. It's like a zombie movie! We're about one week away from a press conference where Henry Paulson throws his shoe at the economy and then tries to hide in a cabin in the woods. Thu, 9 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081009http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081009 Last call for alcohol, folks ... seats are still available for this Saturday's show at the DC Improv Lounge. Come on out. The world is horribly depressing lately, with uninspiring politics and horrible economics. Wouldn't you rather enjoy life, and watch me impersonate Ray Charles? Of course you would. Come out Saturday! It's a good time, guaranteed. Tue, 7 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081007http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081007I'm watching the debate and I think I'm about to have an aneuyrism. If that's not the right spelling of aneuyrism, then I think it's a sign the aneuyrism is starting. Mon, 6 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081006http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081006Eisenhower (see yesterday) was only part of my Saturday; I actually suckered some friends into visiting the farm by promising a trip to see the battlefield. Because who doesn't want to spend a Saturday wallowing in the gore of history? We hit up the Cyclorama, which back in the late 1800s would have been the closest thing to HD television; it's a big painting that completely encircles a room and shows the height of the 3rd day of battle, in exciting OIL PAINT! Plus they have a light and sound show to go with it -- FAR better than Pink Floyd. I can't reproduce it here, but we did walk around the field afterwards, and if you were a reasonably patriotic (or unpatriotic, depending how you look at it) guy in 1863, there's a chance this is what you would have seen on July 3: Sun, 5 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081005http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081005You can't always connect with a president from visiting their home -- you can guess what they were like, but in the case of the really old guys, they grew up in a totally different era. Anyone who never enjoyed indoor plumbing will always be a bit of an enigma to anyone who did. The modern guys, though, are a little different. Fri, 3 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081003http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081003 Facebook is about a gajillion times better than MySpace. That said ... Thu, 2 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081002http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081002There was a shake-up at the top in the fifth edition of Happy Hour Trivia as we have new champions: Pink Eye and the Brain. These young swains scored 22 out of a possible 30 questions with an October theme -- one round of monster questions in honor of Halloween, one round of questions from cemeteries (also in honor of Halloween) and a special "Octoberfest" round. Unfortunately, they're all part Bigfoot, so the photo is blurry: Wed, 1 Oct 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081001http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20081001Happy Fiscal New Year! I hope everyone was able to kiss an accountant at midnight. I had to settle for rolling around on a pile of money. Tue, 30 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080930http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080930There's a new episode of the podcast! It's an interview with Dov Davidoff, who was one of the most interesting dudes I've met in five months of doing these interviews. I knew nothing about the guy going into this, but he has the very intriguing combination of restless intellect and (from what I could tell) mild social perversion. Neat guy. His personal history is absolutely fascinating. Here's the MP3 file (24 minutes). Mon, 29 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080929http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080929The ominpresent "technical difficulties" made this one take longer than I liked, but here are four minutes of comedy on BlackBerries. This will, of course be a part of "I Take Requests" on October 11, so come enjoy the fun! You know you want to. Wed, 24 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080924http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080924Prudent investors go long, ignoring the weekly and monthly fluctuations of the financial markets and instead betting on the grander trends over the course of decades. Tue, 23 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080923http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080923The greatest experiment in democracy has had 42 leaders: men of wealth, poverty, intellect, ambition, humility, egotism and charm. Mon, 22 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080922http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080922Americans, in choosing the leader of the free world, usually pick the person they want to have a beer with, even when that person is a recovering alcoholic. That fun-loving attitude is why the terrorists hate us! In 2008, we're looking at happy hours with either crazy POW stories or rip-roaring tales of community organzing, and drinking budies who love basketball and hunting or whatever Joe Biden loves (tax-free shopping?). Tough call. Sat, 20 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080920http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080920It seems strange that Toledo, a minor league baseball town, has a major league art museum. But they have glass money! Apparently in the 1890s, Toledo was the glass capital of the world, and so a glass baron built a pretty nice museum. Fri, 19 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080919http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080919I don't do many book reviews here, because I don't read many books. I could lie and say I don't have the time, but I'm basically unemployed for a living. But I recently finished two books! Hooray me! The first one was called "Jefferson and Monticello," and it was given to me as a birthday present by my good friend Jared Stern. My birthday was in late December, so yes, it took me nine months to read this book. I could have had a baby in that time, but the book seemed more in my long-term budget. Thu, 18 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080918http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080918If you knew that a guy could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other, at the same time, and you had to guess what kind of building that guy grew up in (this is a regular party game around my house), you'd guess monastery or Skinner Box or something along those lines, right? What are the odds that the guy comes from a log cabin? Wed, 17 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080917http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080917You can only drive through a town so many times before stopping there and looking at the art museum, so I'm in Toldedo this week at the Funny Bone, working with Kenny Smith. I met Kenny back in May in Indianapolis, and I approve of him. You have my blessing to go to this show. Mon, 15 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080915http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080915The pictures are coming back from Houston, and YIKES. People of Texas, I am sorry that God's personal vendetta against my career caused you such difficulties. Best of luck cleaning up and getting back to normal -- hopefully I'll get to visit in early 2008. Thu, 11 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080911http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080911I got rained out. Ike changed its course, heading straight for Houston, and so I won't be making my headlining appearance at the Laff Stop until early 2009. Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080910http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080910I sprained my ankle on Sunday. This year I've been fencing, kayaking, Segwaying and hiking through the mountains; I've done about 15 miles of street running and trail running a week, sometimes on snow and ice; I hit in a batting cage for the first time in about 8 years and I've run around the park throwing a frisbee. I sprained my ankle stepping off a curb. Tue, 9 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080909http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080909Close watchers of my schedule (hi Mom) will notice that I'm due in Houston this week for shows at the Laff Stop. Close watchers of the Weather Channel will notice that Hurricane Ike is due in Houston this week. Not for shows at the Laff Stop, but the two might conflict. Mon, 8 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080908http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080908Big news (for me at least): As of today, I am now scheduled to duke it out in the Seattle Comedy Competition this November. That means at least a week in the Pacific Northwest and hopefully more -- plenty of time to visit all the sites I've only dreamed of when they were mentioned on "Frasier." It'll be my first trip to the West Coast longer than a three-hour layover at LAX. Fri, 5 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080905http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080905I don't like watching convention speeches, or State of the Union speeches. As someone who does public speaking for a living I find them excrutiating. I don't care how pumped you are to be there -- you don't have to cheer "USA" after every other line. Let the guy talk. Speeches are a kind of art, and all the cheering just kills the flow. Plus it makes it unwatchable to anyone who doesn't already agree with the speaker.Code Pink lady just got bounced. Nice deflection by McCain. Honestly, wackos: you aren't helping your cause. I doubt PETA converts many people; I doubt Code Pink changes the minds of anyone. Mostly you just annoy people and make you cause annoying by association. McCain isn't a great speaker. I don't think that bothers me very much, because in a 24/7 media era eloquence gets burned out, and quickly. If every song on the radio was a power ballad, you'd get sick of music pretty quick. No longer would the vocals transport you to a world of romance and Camaros, and who would want that? I think part of McCain's problem is limited arm function, which if I'm recalling correctly is partly a consequence of being tortured. You don't read about that much, kind of like Bob Dole always having to hold a pen to cover up his injured hand. Democrats, here's your angle: what if that 3 a.m. phone call comes, and the phone is on a high shelf? Or, at the first debate, Obama should try to High five him.OK, here's the list of regular people with problems. I don't know when this started but it needs to stop. Now. In a country of 300 million people, you can find a sob story to justify any program. "I fight for Chris White, who is sitting on his couch with no steady job, trying to eke out a living by sharing the gift of laughter with his fellow Americans. And that's why we should all give him $10."Small point, but when he said "a culture of life," McCain paused and puffed some air into his upper lip, which made him look like he was suppressing vomit. I'm pretty sure that was unintentional.And here's the fantasy part ... I will keep taxes low on everyone! And I will reduce government spending. Straight up: we need to blow up Social Security and Medicare. That's the only way this happens. McCain's sort of dancing around it, but basically, this won't happen in divided government. No chance.Hmmm ... good mention of education. I think this issue is a winner. If I was writing the GOP platform, I'd basically say: "Here's the deal. Kids get the money. Kids get health care, kids get education help, kids get whatever they need." You're aren't going to work miracles when the kids have crappy parents, but it's the most equitable thing. "But ... if we do this we can't afford as much for the adults. So pick, your kids or you." Hmmm hmmm ... now he just made a pretty good ideological case for change in Washington, that all the big programs were designed for an outdated economy, and now they're bloated bureaucratic messes. I think people can relate to this, because anyone who waited too long at the Post Office hates bureaucracies. So, everyone. They're like dark matter. They make up about 99 percent of the weight of government, they are somehow intimately tied to the workings of government, and people still have no idea how the damn things work. Well, that torture stuff was pretty good, without being over the top. Also, McCain is a lot less pissy toward Democrats than Obama was to Republicans. Instead, McCain gave the dirty work to Palin. This might work out well, because in all the elections I remember (thousands!) the VP race fades into the background, since most people just don't care all that deeply. But I think the highlight of the evening has to be the playing of "Barracuda" after the speech. Huh.They could have taken the age issue off the table if McCain had just crowd surfed right after the speech. Another missed opportunity. Thu, 4 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080904http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080904I don't know at what point you become a juggernaut, but the Golden Triangle Gun Club is trying. On Wednesday night they won their third consecutive Happy Hour Trivia by getting 22 out of a possible 31. They're like Michael Jordan, but less bald, less black and for trivia: Wed, 3 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080903http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080903I like to keep busy on the weekends, and the pass the savings on to you. So here we go ... Tue, 2 Sep 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080902http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080902You could spend your time, money and energy working on a local level in your community to make an actual difference in someone's life. Tutor a poor kid, sweep up a sidewalk, that sort of thing. Fri, 29 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080829http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080829For the last month or so laptop headaches kept me from doing the DC Improv Podcast, but it's back, baby! And in a big way, as this time out I got to interview one of my favorite comedians, Dave Attell. We only had about 10 minutes before he had to go get ready for his show, but I was still glad to have the chance to chat with him. Thu, 28 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080828http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080828For the last 31 years I've been a big supporter of walking: it's affordable, it's convenient, and it seems to get you where you're going. Wed, 27 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080827http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080827 When your product is, ostensibly, rational ideas, who would you like for a sales force: Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080826http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080826There are three distinct approaches to love set forth in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona": practical (Vicky), painful (Cristina) and nihilistic (bowl cut guy from "No Country for Old Men"). Each character gets what they profess to want, and each character ends up wanting something different. Mon, 25 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080825http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080825After consulting with the high priests, we have finally set a date for the next installment of my dynamic, overwhelming, hilarious, and most importantly affordable ($10) show, I Take Requests. Wed, 20 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080820http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080820I'll probably end up on a government blacklist for posting this, but here are some looks at the hard truths about Martin Van Buren. Assisting me are Jared Stern and Michael Graham. Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080818http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080818See how I put "deal" in all caps? That means it's IMPORTANT! Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080815http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080815It's Friday! I'd say it's time to relax but I haven't worked that hard this week. Relaxing might slow my heartbeat down to complete stop. Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080814http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080814First and foremost, I am a philanthropist, and so I offer you my latest charitable cause. My thanks to Jared Stern, who threw his big-time celebrity muscle behind this worthy, noble project. Tue, 12 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080812http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080812I saw "Superman" on the National Mall last night as part of the annual "Screen on the Green" festivities. I had forgotten what a great movie this is. Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080811http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080811What up peeps. I was in Philadelphia over the weekend to celebrate my brother Dave's birthday with my whole family. (You can see him in "Apocalypse Soon" over at the video page. He's a great actor, better than me, even.) It's rare that we can all get together in one place anymore, but you have to make the effort, especially when the effort means that your parents are picking up the tab for a swank dinner and a baseball game. Sat, 9 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080809http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080809You might have noticed a slight uptick in presidential stuff over the last week, and if that's not your thing (BETHANY), I promise that regularly scheduled programming will return next week. This write-up on the Adams boys clears out the backlong from my trip last week, so there shouldn't be anything TOO presidential for a while. Fri, 8 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080808http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080808Hey everyone, pumped for the Olympics? Excited for a bunch of fundamentally unwatchable sporting events where the margin of victory is hundredths of a second? Ready for a bunch of Olympic profiles on people who aren't all that inspirational and have very limited real job skills? And I bet you can't wait to watch tape-delayed events that you already read the results to online! Thu, 7 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080807http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080807In only our third edition of Happy Hour Trivia, we already have repeat champions. The Golden Triangle Gun Club smoked the competition once again, scoring a 21 out of a possible 30. Behold their wrath: Wed, 6 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080806http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080806Chester Arthur is best known as "The Father of Civil Service," and that pretty much gives you the baseline for the excitement level of his presidency. It's dull. Mon, 4 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080804http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080804What better way to honor the memory of Rick James than by coming on out to Happy Hour Trivia on Wednesday? Get to the DC Improv Lounge between 6:30 and 7 to sign up. I don't want to say it'll be the best trivia night in recorded history, but with Rick James looking down on us it's going to be close. Sun, 3 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080803http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080803 Sat, 2 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080802http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080802There's not too much left for a man in Syracuse after he sees the Salt Museum, so on Saturday I hopped into my car and got my mind off higher gas prices by driving 150 miles to Buffalo. YEAH! I did some sightseeing, if you can call these things sights. Fri, 1 Aug 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080801http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080801History finally stopped reschuduling our intimate lunch date, for today I finally walked through the inviting doors of the Salt Museum in Liverpool, New York. It is only one room, so I walked out 12 minutes later a changed man. I don't know that the Salt Museum and I will see eachother again, but I know we'll always have that one magical cup of coffee together. And someday, when I've found another museum, maybe something in that museum will make me smile, and think of the good times I once had staring down at a large assembly for evaporating brine. Thu, 31 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080731http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080731Greetings from the Salt City! I am here at Wise Guys all weekend, so if you're within 300 miles, why not take the time to see the show? I'm working with a guy named Eric Lyden who is very funny and has a tattoo of Chief Wahoo on his leg. You gotta respect that. Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080730http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080730"My friends have made the American people think me a sort of superman," Herbert Hoover said after his election as president. "They expect the impossible and should there arise in the land conditions with which the political machinery is unable to cope, I will be the one to suffer." And then there was a thunderclap, a timpani roll, the faint sound on the wind of an old woman cackling ... Tue, 29 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080729http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080729Peoples of the DC area: next week is the return of (cue ominous timpani) ... Fri, 25 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080725http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080725This week on the podcast I am talking to comic hypnotist Flip Orley. Flip has about a million stories just on hypnosis alone, never mind the everyday stuff he gets into by being Flip Orley. It should be posted by this afternoon -- I think you're really going to enjoy this one. Tue, 22 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080722http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080722Much like western Pennsylvania makes quarterbacks and the Dominican Republic makes shortstops, the Northern Neck of Virginia makes presidents.* It's had a dry streak for the last 250 years, but you can't argue with results: three of the first five commanders-in-chief were born there, within 20 miles of each other. Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080721http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080721Joy of joys, I talked to Kevin Pollak last Thurday for ye olde podcast. He was in all sorts of movies, and also, I got him to talk about his time as an Ewok. No, really! You can get it over at the podcast page right now. Sun, 20 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080720http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080720I really miss Adam West, who had the bravery and panache to wear spandex when he had the physique of a 150-pound bag of potatoes. Tue, 15 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080715http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080715If you haven't checked your feed lately, there are two new lessons in the Robust Method. The first is an interview with TV/movie star John Witherspoon. It rambles a bit, but there are some pretty funny moments if you want to tune in. Mon, 14 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080714http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080714If I told you there was a movie in which Ron Perlman has to fight Gunnar Nelson to save the world, you'd go see it, right? Well, that's basically "Hellboy II," only there's lots of make-up involved, which is a positive considering Ron Perlman is involved. Fri, 11 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080711http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080711Tomorrow is the big day, peeps -- my third show at the DC Improv Lounge. I've been spending this week getting together the grand finale, and I gotta say, it's pretty grand. Thu, 10 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080710http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080710Even after the divorce, Alex Rodriguez is probably going to have tens of millions in the bank. Barring catastrophic injury, he's going to be the all-time home run king. And from what I hear, the guy's not that tough on the eyes. Wed, 9 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080709http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080709Jazz fans (and I assume that's everyone) rejoice -- the KPLU Jazz Stories are now online. Tue, 8 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080708http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080708Hey folks! The big show is once again upon us. I Take Requests is this Saturday at the DC Improv Lounge. For $10, you are getting: Wed, 2 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080702http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080702Congratulations to the Golden Triangle Gun Club, winners of the second ever Happy Hour Trivia Night! The theme was "Red, White and Blue," and here are Jason, Ben, Zah, Craig and Libby, striking a patriotic pose: Tue, 1 Jul 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080701http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080701Your weeks of waiting are over! The second incarnation of Happy Hour Trivia is tonight at the DC Improv Lounge. The theme is "Red, White and Blue" and it's going to feature a heaping load of patriotism in video, audio, and straight-up Q and A form. Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080630http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080630Thanks to everyone who came out to Helium to catch the shows last week. It's one of my top three favorite clubs -- if you're in the Philly area do yourself a favor and stop in. They have mixed drinks served in caraffes! It's like Denny's, but more fun. Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080626http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080626Happy Thursday. If you're in the Philadelphia region and want to make it happier, come see me at Helium comedy club tonight. Showtime is 8 and I give my personal seal of approval to headliner Nick Griffin. It's a fun show. Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080625http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080625Philadelphia! I'm here Wednesday through Saturday at Helium Comedy Club. Be a peach and come see me (the headliner is Nick Griffin), or if you don't live in Philadelphia, but know someone who does, tell them how fantastic I am and have them show up. I'm cool with that. It's a great club, they won't be sorry. Tue, 24 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080624http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080624There's a new episode of the Online Method for Robust Living, posted yesterday. This time out I'm revisiting Fun Science Facts, my radio program in which I answer kids' questions about science in a fun way! We're talking about the hot topic on everyone's mind: oil. Get down with the learnin', yo, Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080623http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080623Here's the much-anticpated result for the 16th Chris White Challenge: Belgium. There are lots of things about Belgium to make fun of, and I didn't even get into Jean Claude Van Damme, probably because he might find me and kill me if I did so. Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080622http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080622Our Founding Fathers, in all their infinite wisdom, decided to build the capital of our budding nation on a malarial swamp. It was probably part of their commitment to limited government. Sadly, that swamp is now drained, leaving only 100 degree summers with 95 percent humidity as reminders of our glorious past. Fri, 20 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080620http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080620We're getting closer and closer to "I Take Requests 3" on July 12 at the DC Improv Lounge. If you're in the DC area, I really hope you can come out to see the show -- it's only $10, and I think it will definitely be money well spent. I try to make the evening as fresh as possible. Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080619http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080619A big hello to anyone who found their way here from Yelp DC, which gave a very nice plug to ... Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080618http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080618Way to man up and endorse a guy who already won the nomination. It's that bold attitude that won you the presidency. Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080617http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080617I enjoy hockey, and I love baseball, but I have never come close to pushing another human being through a cyclone fence as a way of expressing those feelings. That's a storybook love. Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080613http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080613Last night I got to interview Jeffrey Ross ("The Roastmaster General") at the DC Improv Lounge. He was a very nice guy, and he was wearing a seersucker jacket he had just purchased at Filene's Basement. No, really. Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080612http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080612If you ever log into Myspace, then you probably also log off of Myspace, and you've seen those video ads from online chatting sites. They all feature semi-attractive (but approachable looking!) girls sitting at computers, seemingly very excited to be engaging in online chats with fat computer-literate strangers. Wed, 11 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080611http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080611Here's a delightful new project about the power of imagination. Returning to work with me once again is good buddy, and better actor, Jared Stern. Mon, 9 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080609http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080609Subscribe to my Podcast, and you can get the latest audio project. My buddy Jared Stern has helped me record "Favorite Island," which not only helped me test my new two-microphone arrangement, but also is about 4 minutes long. High praise! Sun, 8 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080608http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080608I am now officially a podcaster. You work so hard, but you think the day will never come ... You're probably wondering, "Chris, why should I care what you have to say as opposed to every other loser with an internet connection?" Sat, 7 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080607http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080607Tickets are now on sale for I Take Requests 3. Here's the link to buy them online. Fri, 6 Jun 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080606http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080606Sorry for the layoff, regular readers. I've been busy fighting crime. Thu, 29 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080529http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080529We have an early front-runner for dumbest news story of the year. Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an ad featuring Rachel Ray, because some people (most prominently the borderline insane Michelle Malkin -- and remember, I'm conservative) feel the scarf she is wearing in the ad resembles a kaffiyeh (the same thing Yasser Arafat always wore). Wed, 28 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080528http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080528I don't understand why, but the Chris White Sucks people have redesigned the site, added a new page for Happy Hour Trivia and ... Thu, 22 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080522http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080522The first Happy Hour Trivia Night is in the books, with the tastefully named "Ted Kennedy's Brain Tumor" coming out on top (scoring 22 out of a possible 32). Congratulations to Chris, Elizabeth, Rich, Ben, Rob and Courtney for the big victory -- they won free tickets to the show on July 1 to defend their crown. Anyone who wants to knock them down a peg, you know the time and place -- DC Improv Lounge, July 1, 7 p.m. Wed, 21 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080521http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080521This is your last reminder -- the debut of Happy Hour Trivia is tonight at the DC Improv Lounge. Buy a ticket (you can get them at the door, there are some seats available), go to the Improv between 6:30 and 7 to sign up (the limit on trivia is 55, so get there early). Play trivia (with friends, you can play as a team, remember) from 7-8, and then at 8:30 enjoy the rest of the show. Tue, 20 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080520http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080520Narnia is a magical land. So magical, in fact, that if you slit somebody's throat, run them through with a sword or shoot them in the face with an arrow, there is NO BLOOD. Mon, 19 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080519http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080519Big things going on this week, people. Here's what you need to know: Sun, 18 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080518http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080518There's now a listing for KPLU's Jazz Stories on the MP3 page, so you can go over there to check out the whole shebang. Here's one of my favorites -- remember, these are all 30 seconds long and completely safe for work. And for reference, Art Tatum played VERY fast. Sat, 17 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080517http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080517More film is in! From top to bottom: I meet one of my idols; my brother meets a delicious pretzel; even nature needs to relax sometimes; Washington in the springtime; and Grover Cleveland in his twilight years. Fri, 16 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080516http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080516Some fun news to report: KPLU 88.5 in Seattle has plans to air 30-second editions of my "Jazz Stories" starting in the next few months! Thu, 15 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080515http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080515No one needs to invent a mock liberal talk show to balance out "The Colbert Report," because it already exists. It's called "Countdown" and it stars Keith Olbermann. If you took the MSNBC logo off the screen and put up the Comedy Central globe, the whole viewing experience would actually make more sense. Wed, 14 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080514http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080514In a shocking turn of events, the karaoke sing-off between myself and Allyson is now HALF OVER, with the stunning discovery that there's Sunday karaoke night at a bar three blocks from my house. Honestly, we went in for happy hour margaritas and came out covered in the karaoke equivalent of blood and ichor. Fortunately it was raining biblical amounts, so we rinsed off pretty quickly. Tue, 13 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080513http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080513I've been busy working on the trivia night coming up next week at the DC Improv Lounge (Wednesday, May 21). It's gonna be solid. We've got one round of wild card questions, one round of video-based questions, and a special finale round inspired by your headliner for the evening, Mr. Bob Marley. If you're planning on coming, be sure to get there around 6:30 -- I'm not sure what the turnout will be, but if it ends up being busy, the Lounge only holds 55. So get there early and have a drink. Booze never hurt anyone's trivia abilities, ever. A reminder of how it all works: Fri, 9 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080509http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080509Apologies for the lack of updates -- I was traveling. And I'm lazy. It's a winning combination! Mon, 5 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080505http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080505Tony Stark is a multi-billionaire genius who can build anything; he drinks hard booze, boinks beautiful women all the time and is totally enabled in this lifestyle by a nonjudgmental, smoking hot secretary that runs all of his errands. Oh, and he blows stuff up for his day job. And he has a talking computer. And he can fly. Fri, 2 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080502http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080502Here's some exciting news: The DC Improv is letting me host a one-hour bar trivia contest before one of my upcoming shows there. Why me? Because I was on the 1994 Penncrest High School Championship Quiz Bowl Team! And also, because I begged. Here's how it works: Thu, 1 May 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080501http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080501Happy May Day, comrades! Go out there and fill a quota on behalf of communists everywhere. Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080430http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080430You may recall that I entered a karaoke murder-suicide pact for 2008, in which I must sing eight total songs. Four are chosen by me, and four are chosen by my "opponent," Allyson. I put that word in quotes, first because there is no prize for winning, and second because at this point I'm obliterating her, as though I were the 1980 Philadelphia Phillies and she were the 1980 Lansdowne Boys Club "Johnson's Funeral Home" team, and the slaughter rule had been waived. I'm about two songs away from kidnapping all of her women and then plowing the fields with salt for spite. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080429http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080429Last Saturday I headed to the National Arboretum to see the azaleas in bloom, because they are pretty, and also because I am sort of gay. Mon, 28 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080428http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080428In our nation's capital today, right around noon, 200 trucks circled the Mall, horns blaring the whole way. I drove by it. They were loud. Fri, 25 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080425http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080425The pride is back! "I Take Requests" returns to the DC Improv Lounge on Saturday, July 12. Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080424http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080424Of course you do! Nothing too funy here, so feel free to skip this. Wed, 23 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080423http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080423Over the weekend I attended my first Passover seder. Since the full-blown ritual is hours long, my hosts graciously condensed the proceedings to an outsider-friendly five minutes. Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080422http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080422 You can't always judge a man by his final resting place, but in the case of Grover Cleveland ... Mon, 21 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080421http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080421The other day, I'm at the Captials / Flyers game in Washington (the Capitals won 3-2, they totally outplayed Philly for the first 30 minutes and held on for the last 30). One row in front of me was a couple wearing Flyers jerseys, being as well-behaved as you can possibly be in an arena crammed with Caps fans. They were cheering when the Flyers did something good, and when they cheered, they cheered it was only to express their happiness for the Flyers, to no one in particular. Next to them was a couple in Capitals jerseys. The guy had about six beers over the course of the game and looked like a significant part of his disposable income went to hockey tickets. When the Capitals scored, instead of cheering for the Captials, he immediately leaned over to the Flyers fans and shouted, "YOU SUCK." Thu, 17 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080417http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080417Mo Rocca (who I have been amused by on occasion) did not seem to do that well at the Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner. I don't really know his history peforming in front of a live audience, but he just seemed flustered the whole time, and not in an affected way. He had months to prepare and a lot of the jokes were almost stock observations you could have pulled off of any snarky blog. Some of it isn't his fault -- the video/slide problems he had were inexcusable. How on earth do you pay a guy thousands of dollars to perform for 2,000 people, including the vice president, and then not have someone from the AV club running the projector? Sheesh. Wed, 16 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080416http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080416I finally saved up the money to get a roll of film developed. And EVERYBODY WINS! Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080415http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080415The Phillies had a phenomenal win over the Astros tonight, scoring four in the bottom of the ninth to steal a 4-3 victory and almost give me a brain hemmorhage. And it all started with a home run from former National CHRIS SNELLING. Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080411http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080411I'm at the Funny Bone this week with the very entertaining Larry Reeb. Come see the shows -- two tonight, two tomorrow. You won't be sorry. Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080410http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080410Here it is, the grand finale, or "15th Challenge," from "I Take Requests 2." It's pretty straightforward. If you have sensitive ears, please be warned, I do drop one F-bomb in here toward the end (I got carried away by the moment, my apologies). Wed, 9 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080409http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080409This commerical was featured at the beginning of "I Take Requests 2," and it was written by Chris Wright. Tue, 8 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080408http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080408In my continuing effort to be the best 19th century man that I can be, I went waltzing on Sunday at Glen Echo Park. If you've never been to the park, it's like a super community center converted from an old abandoned art-deco amusement park, so the overall effect is that you're in an episode of Scooby-Doo but with more arts and crafts. I'm not saying that I plan on serial killing any time in the near future, but if I were, Glen Echo Park would be on the short list for my possible base of operations. Mon, 7 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080407http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080407Thanks to everyone who came out to "I Take Requests 2" on Saturday night. There were lots of new faces in the crowd and I really hope everyone had a good time. Wed, 2 Apr 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080402http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080402It's crunch time, folks! My show at the Improv Lounge is this Saturday at 8 p.m. You can get your tickets at the Improv site or you can stop in and buy directly from their box office. Mon, 31 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080331http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080331Good sign: Ryan Zimmerman hits a two-out home run in the 9th to win the first ever regular-season game at Nationals Park. Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080328http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080328One of the people I'm working with this week got a Myspace message from an old college acquaintance, a woman he had dated. After a few, "Hey, how have you been" exchanges, she says (paraphrasing): "You're probably wondering why I'm writing. Our son is now 19 and of legal age and he's asking questions about his dad. I'm not sure what I want to tell him. I can send you pictures if you like." Thu, 27 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080327http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080327"I Take Requests." April 5. DC Improv Lounge. Get your tickets today. The grand finale is going to be ... well, about 4 minutes long, and that's as much as I'm willing to tell you right now. Wed, 26 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080326http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080326Greetings from the home of J.J. Johnson! I'm just wrapping up a two-day layover here, waiting for a gig in South Bend to start. I'm staying with my "friend" John Garrett. You'll notice I put friend in quotes, because John isn't really my friend. I just pretend that he is so that I have somewhere to stay when I need to kill time in the Midwest. But Chris, what if John reads your blog? Well, if he cared that much, maybe then I wouldn't have to put "friend" in quotes in the first place. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080325http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080325 Just in time for "I Take Requests," here's the latest edition of the Chris White Challenge! Brought to you by Richard Aldacushion and the letter "C." Mon, 24 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080324http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080324 Sat, 22 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080322http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080322Avid readers of my schedule (hi Mom) know that I'm in Detroit at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Mark Ridley is often credited with inventing the three-comedian show format, which would make him the guy who wrote my job description. We'll only hold him responsible for the 20-30 minutes of comedy part, not the driving hundreds of miles around the Midwest visiting museums you couldn't drag most people to with a team of oxen part. Here's the defensive perimiter of the castle: Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080321http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080321If you can tear yourself away from live online chats with all those hot babes in low-cut tops from the ads that keep popping up on MySpace (they are real girls, and you do have a shot at them), please help me be not poor by voting for my TurboTax video entry. Thu, 20 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080320http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080320If you are ever chopping up habanero peppers, as soon as you are done, immediately have a friend chop off your hands. This will prevent you from touching your lips over the next six hours. Tue, 18 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080318http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080318Why is Chester Cheetah suddenly British? It was bad enough when the Geico gecko switched from a high-class British gecko that resented Geico to a cockney gecko that loves it. Mon, 17 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080317http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080317A man enters a Steve & Barry's in Roanoke, Virginia, lured by a sign indicating that all items in the store are $8.98 or less. Once inside, after selecting several t-shirts and two pairs of cargo shorts, he notices that the $8.98 extends to Starbury shoes. Though he does not need new shoes, he sees a pair that could, in dim light, pass for Sketchers. Grabbing a box marked with his shoe size (10), he heads for the register. But a sudden pang of doubt compels him to stop suddenly, and try on at least one of the shoes. It seems to fit his right foot, if a little snugly. Fri, 14 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080314http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080314I'm in Winston-Salem, in a non-smoking room in a Motel 6 with cigarette burns on the comforter. The Motel 6 is next door to an adult superstore and just down the street from a mobile home sales lot. The sign on the sales lot says "We sell dreams." Thu, 13 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080313http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080313I originally made this for the YouTube "Sketchies" contest, which required a video involving a road trip and a musical instrument that was 3 minutes or less. Before I had the chance to edit this thing down or reshoot anything, I got sick. So no contest. Wed, 12 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080312http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080312Want to see photos from the roller derby? You don't? Well, tough. Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080311http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080311Jason Statham's greatest gift as an actor, hands down, is headbutting. He looks like he's really good at it. If you or I snapped off a headbutt, we'd be curled up on the floor with a splitting headache for hours after. Jason Statham, on the other hand, just looks like he could headbutt 20 to 30 people in a row and then do the New York Times Sunday Crossword. Assuming he did crosswords, which he probably doesn't, because he's too busy making time with the ladies of the guys he just killed with his cranial plate. Sat, 8 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080308http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080308Responding to my illness report from Tuesday, my brother Dave volunteers the following: Fri, 7 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080307http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080307Dear everybody, Thu, 6 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080306http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080306I very rarely use the word "brilliant," but this blog is brilliant. And I'm not just saying that because 87 percent of the entries seem to apply directly to one of my ex-girlfriends. Tue, 4 Mar 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080304http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080304After spending a fun weekend in Boston partying with friends, I decided to take things slow on Monday and recharge my batteries by vomiting about once an hour for 12 hours straight. You might call it "food poisoning," but in many very expensive day spas they would call it "purifying." Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080224http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080224In an Oscar season filled with depressing, nihilistic and stunningly glib films, it is refreshing to actually watch a movie with a positive message: that poor black people need to get off their high horses and accept the fact that rich people can dance, too. Fri, 22 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080222http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080222AKA "Any Given Sunday." Wed, 20 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080220http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080220On my last day in San Antonio, the weather was about 75 and sunny. With mid-Atlantic February in my near future, I decided to get out and walk. I headed to Market Square, not far from downtown -- it's a combination of food stands and souvenir shops for tourists, with a smattering of authentic Mexican stuff imported from China. Mon, 18 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080218http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080218In honor of Presidents Day, here are fun fact about our first 20 chief executives. Sat, 16 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080216http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080216There was a president from Texas once who spent a staggering amount of time on his ranch, cared deeply about education and presided over a transformative and often unpopular war. And he was a Democrat. Who says America isn't bipartisan? Fri, 15 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080215http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080215 For 400 years New York has been devouring itself; a necessity brought on by the laws of real estate that has, over centuries, become a philosophy for living. The new springs forth on top of, underneath, next to and inside the old. Thu, 14 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080214http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080214It's been ages since we've looked in on America's greatest artform, so here's a double dose. Tue, 12 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080212http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080212Once again I am not the Last Comic Standing! Once again, I made it to the night showcase at Gotham Comedy Club, had a good performance and then did not advance to the next round. But it was (once again) a positive experience: the comedians I met were pleasant, I had another chance to put myself out there to millions of people and at the end of the night I feel like I left it all out there on the stage. In a non-disgusting sense. I put together a few minutes to represent what I'm all about, and people seemed to like it, but from a straight-up television perspective, I'm not rocking any underserved demographics and my style isn't exactly tailored to short TV clips (I try to meet them halfway, but I tell alot of long jokes. It's what I do.) If I was putting together a network TV show, I could make the case for not picking me, too. Thu, 7 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080207http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080207The Newseum, the latest addition to Washington D.C.'s tiny, tiny museum community, is opening April 11. Total cost of the new building: $450 million. To put that in perspective, some estimates put the Phillies' home field, Citizens Bank Park, at $346 million. Tue, 5 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080205http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080205On Saturday I went, for the first and probably last time, to Groundhog Day. Not in Ohio, or New York or Georgia, or any of the other places that worship false rodents. I went to the real deal: Punxsutawney, Pennsyvlania. The weather capital of the world. Mount Washington, eat your heart out. Mon, 4 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080204http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080204The Groundhog Day report comes tomorrow. In the meantime, what's wrong with this Bud Light slogan? Sun, 3 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080203http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080203Through the miracle of George Eastman's devil box, I once again have magical images of my journeys far and wide ... BEHOLD! Sat, 2 Feb 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080202http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080202Surveys show that people love pictures. I was the only person surveyed, so the margin of error is pretty big. But as a Washingtonian, I am duty-bound to respond to any poll as though it were incontrivertible fact. Enjoy: Thu, 31 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080131http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080131I'll be out of touch for a few days, because I am going to Groundhog Day. Wed, 30 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080130http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080130I got to see Robert Klein at the Improv. It's strange when you see a living legend -- here's a comedian who was there at the birth of the modern artform, who is cited as a huge influence by a lot of the stars of the '80s and '90s. He has a revered position in the history of stand-up. Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080129http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080129Now that he has locked down the fat drunk manslaughterer vote, Obama is UNSTOPPABLE. Fat drunk manslaughterers everywhere will line up at the polling stations to vote for him. That's like 10 percent of any state with a lot of farms and farming equipment. Mon, 28 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080128http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080128This is from last year, but I'm guessing they'd be happy to just use it again and save the effort. Fri, 25 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080125http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080125I have been informed by my brother Dave that my use of the word "Jewfro" in yesterday's post was horribly inappropriate. The correct term is "Isro." My apologies to the Jewish people. Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080124http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080124Because they're interviewing people FOUR TIMES. I don't care what the job is. I don't care that head coaches get paid millions. You do not do this. Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080123http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080123Well, it took some doing, but here's a few minutes of jokes on Newton's Third Law. It was less of a train wreck than I was expecting! Sun, 20 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080120http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080120I finally got a card to let me use my video camera like a digital camera. A mediocre digital camera, but a camera nonetheless. And I'm passing the savings on to you! Some pics from the Portland Comedy Connection: Sat, 19 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080119http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080119The first "National Treasure" had everything I look for in a movie: history and a German chick with a decent rack. It was good. Fri, 18 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080118http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080118Find a Barack Obama supporter and ask them why, exactly, Barack Obama should be president. Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080117http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080117Here's a link, word for word, off of Yahoo's front page: Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080115http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080115I had a manly weekend. So manly that I am just now able to write about it. Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080111http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080111I made it back to Mount Vernon on Jan. 6 (the Washingtons' anniversary), for a few reasons: Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080110http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080110I'm typing this from my BRAND NEW DESK. I did not plan on getting a new desk, but it turns out that if you bought a $100 desk from Staples, you weren't in it for the long haul. The big hint was the loud cracking noises and visible buckling. Wed, 9 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080109http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080109I went fencing Saturday, and it was awsome. You always like to imagine that you have a natural flair for these things -- fencing, horseback riding, undoing the corset of the governor's daughter in such a way that she suddenly realizes she DOES want you. But to have it confirmed? Beyond fantastic. It was a lot like "The Mask of Zorro," but with slightly fewer burning buildings. Tue, 8 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080108http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080108So much to discuss. First: Former Redskins receiver Darnerien McCants was at Chief Ike's Mambo room last night. Singing like R. Kelly. And as far as I'm concerned, Darnerien McCAN. Go to his web site. The song starts playing right away. Fri, 4 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080104http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080104After watching Letterman on Wednesday, I am reminded that one of the worst conversations you can have with a stand-up comedian starts: "You know who I really love? Robin Williams." Thu, 3 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080103http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080103As part of my birthday celebration last week, I stopped by the National Cathedral to pay my respects to everyone's favorite sexist, foot-dragging, doctorate-degree having, stroke-suffering president, T. Woodrow Wilson (also born Dec. 28). Wed, 2 Jan 2008 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080102http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20080102 I kicked off my NYE celebration by going to pick up my buddy Jared at the train station, at which point I noticed that someone, in the true spirit of the holidays, had smashed in the rear vent window on my car. Nothing was stolen, and no one even tried to open the door after smashing the window -- the hole in the middle was too small to fit a hand through. Right now the prime suspect is America's youth. I'm watching you, America's youth. Keep your nose clean. NYE dinner was spaghetti with homemade sauce. If you've never made your own tomato sauce, let me tell you something: For $10 in ingredients plus about two hours of your time, you can make a small quantity of sauce that is almost 70 PERCENT as good as the massive $1 jar of Safeway-brand sauce you have sitting in the back of your cabinet. And your guests will definitely taste the difference. Mainly because your sauce will have lots of tomato seeds in it. Mmmmmmmmmm. NYE dessert was spaghetti with homemade sauce. You probably think ice cream tastes the same no matter what shape it's in. Well, you are WRONG, killjoy. The party moved to Wonderland Ballroom, which thanks to its total lack of a cover charge was slammed. I have been drunk, and I have been in crowds. But I have never been so drunk that I tried to walk THROUGH another human being. Sure, I have felt stronger, and smarter, and funnier, and better looking. But not once have I finished my tenth Yuengling and thought, "That should do it. Time to pass through solid matter." However, this happened about three times a minute at Wonderland. How crowded was it? When I got home, it was discovered that some one had bled all over the back of my shirt. Now, I have never bled on anyone before, but I'd like to think that if I did, I would tap them on the shoulder, and then, while pinching my nose to prevent further bleeding, explain to them that they might have a dry cleaning emergency come tomorrow. Right now the primary suspect is America's 20something white d-bags and their dates. I'm watching you, America's 20something white d-bags and your dates. Keep your noses clean. And plugged. Mon, 31 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071231http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071231Get ready, because you only have about 380 more days to get used to saying "President Dennis Kucinich." Fri, 28 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071228http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blogofshame/?day=20071228I know what you're wondering: who wins? Fri, 21 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMT