Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

11. James Knox Polk

Polk ancestral home, Columbia, Tennessee

Polk ancestral home (August 23, 2007)

For anyone who thinks their job is killing them, here's James Knox Polk before and after his four-year term:

He went into the White House as the youngest president ever (49), and he left with a mullet. He died 103 days after leaving office, having worked himself to death.

But the man got results! The folks at the Polk ancestral home bill Jimmy the K as the only president to fulfill all his campaign promises:

1) Annexation of Texas, 2) Acquisition of the Oregon Territory, 3) Never faking the funk on a nasty dunk, 4) Capturing California as a homeland for the nation's beautiful people.

He doubled the size of the country under the banner of Manifest Destiny, the charming 19th century belief that God really wanted the United States to cover all of North America. Why would God want this? The same reason that he hated Indian tribes: he's arbitrary. No one campaigns on platforms this enjoyable anymore, and that is why the present is boring.

Polk was the oldest of 10 children of North Carolina farmer/surveyor. Dad moved the clan to Tennessee when James was 10. He was a sickly kid -- he had bad problems with urinary stones until the age of 17, when they were removed by a Kentucky surgeon during a procedure that involved no anesthesia -- and so he didn't do much farming, and ends up going the bookish route. He went to UNC for a few years, read law in Nashville and then became a lawyer in Columbia, where his family had settled.

At 27 he gets elected to the Tennessee Legislature, then at 29 he bounces over to the U.S. House of Representatives. After 14 years there (including 4 as Speaker -- he's the only Speaker who became President) he goes home, gets elected governor for a term, and then proceeds to lose that job to a Whig. But he stays tight with fellow Tennessean and Democrat Andrew Jackson, who backdoors him into the presidential nomination at the 1844 convention, even though Polk had been out of office for a few years. Next thing you know, he's President, and after four years, America is twice as big.

And it's all thanks to urinary stones. Sort of.

The ancestral home isn't really Polk's house as much as the place he would have crashed when he was home on Spring Break (Florida wasn't a state back then). But it's the only surviving Polk residence other than the White House, so it gets to be the museum. In lieu of having an actual Polk house, they filled the ancestral home with all of his surviving furniture, plus there's a cute museum in the house next door which has some personal effects. It's all a touch underwhelming for a guy who was probably in the presidential top 10 as far as historical importance, but it ain't bad for what it is. If you're ever in Columbia ... uh, why are you in Columbia, exactly?

  • Though he came from a huge family, Polk never had kids, possibly as a side-effect of his surgery. But he named his urinary stones Ephraim and Philip, and appointed them assistant secretaries of State.
  • The first American postage stamps were issued under Polk. After a public vote, it was decided to go with the "young" Ben Franklin stamp, instead of the "fat syphilitic" Franklin design.
  • Referred to as the first "dark horse" president, given his relatively low national profile. Whigs used the campaign slogan "Who is James K. Polk?" Democrats responded with "He's the guy bending Henry Clay over the front of his carriage."
  • Polk's vice president was George Dallas of Pennsylvania. He was instrumental in arranging the annexation of Texas, and the city of Dallas is named after the Philadelphian. So SUCK ON THAT, COWBOYS FANS!
  • When negotiations to buy California broke down, Polk started the Mexcian-American war. After beating the Mexicans, the U.S. still agreed to pay $15,000,000 for the territory. But instead of investing, Mexico just blew the money on votive candles.
  • For securing the Oregon Territory from the British, Polk was named High Times' Man of the Millennium.
  • Polk was a Freemason and was present at the Masonic cornerstone ceremony that started the Washington Monument in 1848. And that's how we know that the Monument is actually an antenna to communicate with the alien overlords who actually run the government. Duh.
  • Originially became interested in Manifest Destiny as a means to expand his deck West, into his neighbor's yard.

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