Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

18. Ulysses S. Grant

Grant's Tomb, New York City, New York

Grant's Tomb (April 29, 2007)

Here's a list of famous people named Hiram:

Ulysses S. Grant

And that is what I learned at Grant's Tomb. The inspiration for the world's dumbest trivia question is in New York City, at 122nd and Riverside, smack in the middle of Riverside Park. At 150 feet tall, it's the largest mausoleum in North America, making it our Taj Mahal. I'm willing to bet we have more folding chairs, though. Suck on THAT, India!

Grant and his wife, Julia, are in a sunken alcove, making it easier for elderly southerners to walk in, spit on Grant and leave quickly; the bodies are circled by anti-presidential zombie charms and five busts of Grant's favorite Civil War generals, all of which are staring in at their boss. This creeped me out at first, but after sleeping on it, I now would like Stevie Wonder, Mike Schmidt, Humphrey Bogart, William Shatner and Leeroy Jenkins watching over me in death (metaphorically, Stevie). Great Americans all.

And oh yeah, the mummified remains of Grant's servants are in a smaller tomb at 123rd and Riverside.

But what about the man himself? Grant is inspiring, in the sense that below-average people everywhere can look to his example and hope for a better life. Behold the TRIUMPH OF MEDIOCRITY!

Hiram Ulysses Grant (a mediocre name) was born April 27, 1822, somewhere in mediocre Ohio. He was sponored into West Point by a congressman who accidentally put his name down as U.S. Grant. It stuck. He graduated 21 out of 39 (mediocre). He did nothing much in the Mexican-American War (mediocre), then kicked around from post to post before resigning from the Army. He tried to be a farmer in Missouri and failed (mediocre) so he begged his dad for a job in Illinois (mediocre) when the Civil War broke out. Then came the non-mediocre years: He got reinstated in the regular army, kicked substantial ass in the West, and got called east by Lincoln in 1864 to lead all the armies. Then ... back to mediocrity! He wasn't a slouch in the strategy department, but he beat Robert E. Lee mostly with human wave tactics (mediocre).

Some really weird mosaic statuary surrounds Grant's tomb. Artsy craftsy, huh?After that he was our mediocre 18th president, which was unsurprising considering that all his past job experience was in either killing people or going broke in horrible business ventures. Congress didn't like him and he basically did nothing for eight years while his buddies got involved in 3,423 corruption scandals. His biggest accomplishment was signing the bill creating Yellowstone National Park. It wasn't his idea. He just signed the paper.

After that he died. But it's a funny story! Grant was a pipe smoker, but you couldn't really get pipe tobacco on the front. Before a battle, a lackey gave him a cigar, and he was photographed at the battle smoking it. Newspapers ran the photo, and since generals were basically the only celebrities back then (eat your heart out, Petraeus) adoring fans sent him thousands of cigars. He started smoking tons of them and ... blammo, throat cancer. Yet another example of the irresponsible media taking down a Republican. Insidious.

  • The "S" in theory stands for Simpson, his mom's maiden name. In practice, Grant told people it stood for "Superdude." Grant's real initials are H.U.G., which was just as embarrasing then as it is now.
  • Earned the nickname "Unconditional Surrender" when, at Fort Donelson, he surrendered unconditionally to the great taste of mutton.
  • The third-most beloved military officer in American history, behind George Washington and Colonel Sanders.
  • Elected in 1868 on the slogan "Let Us Have Peace," which contrasted nicely with Horatio Seymour (D-N.Y.) and his "Everyone Gets to Rape a Southerner" campaign.
  • He was broke when he left the White House, thanks to poor investments and the loss of the map where he hid all that Confederate gold. To provide for his family, he inked a deal with Mark Twain to publish his memoirs, and five days after finishing his manuscript he died (it earned the family $450,000). In his final months, Grant was on cocaine during the days and morphene at nights, which explains the five chapters in which he liberates Wonderland with the help of a magical talking hat.
  • His father owned a leather shop; hence Grant's lifelong love of bondage gear.
  • Grant ran for the GOP nomination in 1880, losing to James Garfield. In 1883 he rebounded by becoming president of the National Rifle Association, on the slogan "You saw what happened to Garfield."
  • Saw the nation through the Panic of 1873 by ordering the creation of a gigantic brown paper bag for the nation to breathe into.
  • Reputed as a drunk, but let's see you kill 100,000 dirty rebs without having a few drinks.
  • Won the seige of Vicksburg by blasting "Welcome to the Jungle" 24 hours a day.
  • If you're 37 years old, broke, and you had to beg your dad for a lousy job just to feed your family, pull out a $50 bill, look at Grant and say, "there's still hope." I'm assuming you have a fifty, because you probably ask your dad to pay you in cash. You guys are sketchy.

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