Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

20. James A. Garfield

Lawnfield, Mentor, Ohio; Birthplace, Moreland Hills, Ohio; Lake View Cemetery, Cleveland, Ohio

Lawnfield (June 22, 2007)

In 1880, a nation desperate for four more years of Rutherford B. Hayes (and his awesome beard) found its heart broken. Hayes swore as part of his 1876 campaign to serve only four years, and he was a man of his word. OR WAS HE? Consider this:

Rutherford B. Hayes was a Republican born in northeast Ohio. His father died at a young age and he was incredibly close to his mother. He studied law, and when the civil war broke out he left his wife and kids to lead a volunteer regiment in the Union army, rising to the rank of general. While in the field, he was elected to the House of Representatives. He was a compromise nominee for the GOP nomination and won a very close election. He collected walking canes, had a monster huge beard and wanted to retire to a farm.

James A. Garfield was a Republican born in northeast Ohio. His father died at a young age and he was incredibly close to his mother. He studied law, and when the civil war broke out he left his wife and kids to lead a volunteer regiment in the Union army, rising to the rank of general. While in the field, he was elected to the House of Representatives. He was a compromise nominee for the GOP nomination and won a very close election. He collected walking canes, had a monster huge beard an wanted to retire to a farm.

You never see Hayes and Garfield in the same place at the same time, because THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. Here's where it gets freaky:

From 1831-1838 northeast Ohio (Kirkland) was the headquarters of the brand spankin' new Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. MORMONS. Joseph Smith got run out of town, because he was Joseph Smith, but you have to figure he left some kids behind, because he was Joseph Smith. Hey Chris, when was Garfield born, anyhow? Funny you should ask! November 1831. Furthermore, we ALL know that Fundamentalist Mormons have adopted a very specific attack plan to avoid persecution: taking over the government.

Hayes/Garfield's actual name was Birchard Abrams, and he was the son of Joseph Smith. He remained in Ohio when Smith fled (or "died"), and as an adult he hid his polygamous ways by assuming various identities (including the older "Rutherford") throughout the state, much like the long-haul truckers of our era. You could do that sort of thing pretty easily back then; all you had to do was grow a huge beard to hide your face, then throw around a few bribes. There was no Google to stop you. He was president twice and would have served out his entire second term, but upon getting shot in 1881 he saw a graceful way to wrap up loose ends. Having already appointed enough secret Mormons to government posts, he let the Garfield identity die and lived out the rest of his days as Rutherford B. Hayes in Fremont, not far from his second family in Mentor, where he undoubtedly got some on the side during long weekends.

So chill out about Mitt Romney, people. We've already had a Mormon president.

They refused to confirm my theories on my visit to Lawnfield, but what do you expect? The place is crawling with polygamists. They're trying to keep a low profile. I'll say this much: Birchard Abrams had taste. Lawnfield is a really nice spread. The Garfields bought it in 1876, and it was a working farm. The renovations done in the next four years and after Garfield's death left a very snappy looking mansion -- the inside is beautifully decorated and furnished. Garfield's widow installed an expansion which included a special library for Garfield's books and papers. The style (including some of the stained glass windows) reminded me a lot Hayes' Spiegel Grove. I just read that last sentence and it's truly a miracle that I have ever had any girlfriends.

If you stop in, be sure to check out the outbuildings -- the gas house is sort of cool. They actually took a natural gas well on the property and used it to light the house. I haven't seen a setup quite like that before. Also, there's a small building that served as Garfield's campaign HQ in 1880 -- it's where he got the telegraph telling him he was president. Ironically, the only super important part of the house is the least fancy: the front porch. Garfield is sometimes credited with running the first ever "front porch" campaign; he was the first presidential candidate to really advocate on his own behalf, and he did it by speaking to reporters from his front porch. A band would play, then they put out a Slip-N-Slide. Each session ended with Garfield firing a shotgun in the air five times and yelling "get off my lawn." (I know I've used this joke before. Sue me.) Someone needs to try this again. If you are Ron Paul, or Joe Biden, or Tom Tancredo, what do you have to lose? NOTHING. Go home, sit on your porch in a bermuda shirt and give speeches to whoever shows up. Set up a web cam. You will be an overnight media sensation. Put some fun ceramic decorations on your porch and you will easily carry most of middle America and Florida. If you drink Miller Lite during your speeches, and wear sunglasses, then I promise you that you will become the 44th President.

FUN BIRCHARD ABRAMS (James Garfield identity) FACTS!

  • As a young man, he swore never to look for any job, but only to take the opportunities that were placed before him by providence. Garfield's resume: led mule teams on the Erie Canal, minister in the Church of Christ, classics professor and school president at Hiram College, lawyer, Ohio state senator, Civil War general, 9-term U.S. Representative, head of the Appropriations Committee, House minority leader, U.S. Senator-elect and U.S. President. And for the magical summer of '47, clown at children's parties. So remember kids: Don't try.
  • The only man in history to go from the House of Representatives to the White House, until Kucinich gets sworn in next January.
  • His marriage was a disaster in its early years, and at one point he called marriage a "living grave." He also called Abraham Lincoln a "second-rate Illinois lawyer." Now that's candid.
  • Nominated for the Ohio senate after a three-day series of 20 debates in which he defended creationism from a well-known athiest. This is what passed for entertainment before television.
  • The last U.S. president born in a log cabin, but the 14th to live primarily in a house of lies.
  • Studied law on his own and passed the Ohio bar just after getting into state politics. He argued the first case of his legal career in front of the U.S. Supreme Court (Ex Parte Milligan) and won. He had no military training before forming the 42nd Ohio, but he taught himself by reading about Napoleon and was eventually promoted to general. At the time of his death, was halfway through T.A. Winthrop's classic, "How to Remove a Bullet From Your Own Spine."
  • He went to the Republican convention in Chicago in 1880 allegedly hoping to see John Sherman (Gen. Sherman's brother) nominated for the White House; Sherman was his friend and he gave a speech on his behalf. On the 34th ballot, Garfield's name started appearing; he won on the 36th ballot over U.S. Grant, Sherman, and James Blaine, all of whom were really pissed off about the whole thing until Garfield got shot.
  • Reporters named Garfield's farm "Lawnfield." The Garfield family, however, called it "Fort Fantabulous."
  • As president, he had to personally meet hundreds of people hoping to land choice government jobs. In this capacity, he actually met his future assassin, Charles Guiteau, whom he rejected for an overseas job in Paris. And that is why we invented HR departments.
  • Guiteau shot Garfield twice on July 2 while the president walked through a Washington, D.C., train station. The shooter did not run; he thought that Vice President Chester Arthur would reward him with a job once sworn in. Present at the shooting was Robert Todd Lincoln -- Abraham Lincoln's son and Garfield's Secretary of War. Alexander Graham Bell devised a metal detector to find the bullet in Garfield's body, but it got thrown off by the metal frame of the bed where Garfield was resting (no one realized this at the time). It is widely agreed that Garfield died mainly from horrible and unsanitary medical care in the 80 days between the shooting and his death. It is known to smart people like you and me that he actually lived and retreated to his Mormon wives in northeast Ohio.

Bonus! (7/2/07) The Front Porch Speech

Today is the 126th anniversary of James Garfield getting shot. In honor of that event, we give you the transcript of the stump speech from Garfield's historic "front porch campaign."

Gentlemen, welcome! Our Union stands today on the ramparts of a fortress built from our triumphs. And upon my lawn. Look, if you could just please stay inside the cordons, it would make Lucretia so happy. We just resodded, and you know how women are about these things. Thank you.

But even so, cordons, my fellow citizens, are not to be feared, or loathed, but embraced. For as we stare down from the mighty fortress into the Valley of Prosperity into which we must venture, the cordons of law and liberty delineate a path free from peril, a path unspoiled by discarded chicken wings.

I'm looking at you, gentle sir in the straw hat. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I was staring right at you when you dropped it. It's free food, the least you can do is move four feet to a garbage can. NOW! Yes, I'm going to wait.

Was that so hard?

But you see now the great struggle of this experiment, this self-government which we hold so dear. We must be eternally vigilant against the straw hats of this world, as we learned in the great conflict that so rent our nation's core and sweet Christ who took a dump in the rosebush? Do you think this is funny? There are like five outhouses right there! My kids play on this lawn, I don't want to think that they're running around with you cads dangling your privates out in broad daylight. Heavens forfend!

Garfield statue in the Capitol rotundaYou're not even listening. I have about 15 minutes here on civil service reform that we really need to get through here. The great machinery of democracy cannot function with the gear so clogged by insidious clients of patronage.

Screw this, can you even HEAR me over the brass band? Please go away! No one invited you here. Don't give them any money, I beg you. They play all hours of the night and we are sorely taxed. Lucretia cries when she hears a march anymore. She CRIES. Did someone drop another chicken wing? We aren't running Stop laughing!

To conclude, as I fire this shotgun into the air, I assure you it is loaded not with the rock salt of temerity, but in fact the shells of righteous indignation. Our nation will sail steadfast and true into the Harbor of Opportunity, but only after you bastards get off my lawn. I know where you live.

Vote Republican.

Alpha Garfield Omega (9/17/08)

If you knew that a guy could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other, at the same time, and you had to guess what kind of building that guy grew up in (this is a regular party game around my house), you'd guess monastery or Skinner Box or something along those lines, right? What are the odds that the guy comes from a log cabin?

Well James Garfield beats those odds! He probably should have saved his luck for that whole assassination thingy, but nevertheless, here's Lord Jim's birthplace in the suburbs of Cleveland, where he became the last of the log cabin Republicans, before that meant something completely different:

More specifically, it's a replica of his birthplace, because the original is long gone. Considering the modest digs, the guy did very well for himself: he was a minister, a teacher, a general, a politician and an orator. So you shouldn't ever feel bad about cramming your kids into small spaces, like tiny bedrooms, or the trunks of cars. It might help them to one day be president.

Cleveland also has the omega end of Garfield's existence, at beautiful Lake View Cemetery. The Garfield Monument was a bit of a shock, in both size and detail:

That's a 180-foot tower made of Ohio sandstone, at a cost of $135,000. The monument was dedicated in 1890, just nine years after J.A.G. kicked the bucket (he died on September 19, which means I missed the deathaversarry by two days). There are parapets and gargoyles, and from the tower balcony you have a boffo view of downtown Cleveland and the shores of Lake Erie. And if that's not impressive enough, there are life-sized bas-relief panels around the exterior showing important aspects of Garfield's life:

That's a panel reflecting Garfield's profound love of siestas. The interior is also a jaw-dropper: a rotunda features a striking statue of Garfield, surrounded by stained glass windows and mosaics of figures representing war, peace, the 13 original states and Ohio. For example, Delaware's window has a woman collecting a $5 toll from a Pennsylvanian trying to drag a sales-tax-free refigerator across the state line. I'd love to show it to you, but the cemetery doesn't allow publication of interior photos without special permission, and I don't want to break any rules that might result in my being attacked by the zombie of Eliot Ness (also buried at Lake View). Regular zombies are tenacious; Eliot Ness' zombie would be REALLY persistent. The crypt below has Garfield, his wife Lucretia, and his daughter and son-in-law.

The whole package was way beyond my expectations -- it's GARFIELD. He's a trivia answer now. But back then he was our leader, and the second president assassinated in a 15-year span. It's not hard to imagine how a tidal wave of national grief could leave behind such a stunning memorial. There has to be some good part to getting shot in the spine for your country, right?

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