Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

21. Chester Alan Arthur

Albany Rural Cemetery, Menands, New York

Arthurian Legend (August 3, 2008)

Chester Arthur is best known as "The Father of Civil Service," and that pretty much gives you the baseline for the excitement level of his presidency. It's dull.

It started with a bang, though! Specifically, when Charles Guiteau shot James Garfield in a Washington, D.C., train station, and then announced, "I am a Stalwart of the Stalwarts! Arthur is president now!" He also did the cabbage patch.

The thinking was that Vice President Arthur, a Stalwart Republican with a reputation for liking the patronage system, would be so grateful for his promotion that he'd pardon Guiteau and then give him the hook-up. This would have made for some really awkward office conversation.

SUPERVISOR: Charles, could you please file this paperwork?

CHARLES GUITEAU: I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Could you speak into this gun?

SUPERVISOR: We've been over this. Do you need to talk to HR again?

CHARLES GUITEAU: How about I talk with Assistant Supervisor Johnson instead?

From a marketing perspective, that's not the best way to kick off your time at the top, so Arthur changed his tune and helped pass civil-service reform. And the rest is boring, boring history. The guy did well enough in office to leave the White House with a reputation for integrity and competence, and now he even has a pretty swank grave in Albany Rural Cemetery. Check it:

Yes, that's an angel dusting his sarcophagus. When the heavenly hosts are keeping your resting place dust-free, that's saying something. Not the biggest presidential grave, and not the sexiest location (though Albany Rural Cemetery is very pretty, and probably a nightmare for whoever has to mow the lawn), but Arthur's marker is the most distinctive one I've seen so far. Kudos, Chester.

Arthur is kickin' it (post kicking it) in Albany because his professional life was spent in New York; he was a lawyer who was named head of the New York Customs House by President Grant. Although he was supposedly a scrupulous man, he did know that the Stalwart Republican machine was buttering his bread, and he played the game by giving party hacks some cushy jobs. That's what got him fired by President Rutherford B. Hayes.

Two years later he was the vice president, even though Garfield hated his guts, because Republicans figured the Stalwart faction should have SOMEONE on the ticket and he was the only guy who seemed interested. One assassination later, and blammo! From utter disgrace to leader of the United States in three short years. So don't worry if you're stuck behind the counter at a Wendy's. Good things can happen if you keep your head down and keep plugging.

FUN ARTHUR FACTS!

  • Arthur commissioned Louis Comfort Tiffany to redecorate the White House in all the latest styles, although Congress blocked all attempts to make it non-white after Labor Day.
  • Known as Elegant Arthur for his refined taste, fastidious dress, and great gams.
  • Changed pants several times a day, not because he was a clothes horse, but because he had kidney problems. Cough.
  • Diagnosed with a fatal kidney ailment before becoming president, although as an Irishman kidney damage was probably in his future no matter what.
  • Fired everyone in Garfield's cabinet, except for "lucky charm" War Secretary Robert Todd Lincoln, who was present when Garfield was shot.
  • "Arthur" is considered the most inaccurate biopic ever made.

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