Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

22. Grover Cleveland (1)

Birthplace, Caldwell, New Jersey; Princeton Cemetery, Princeton, New Jersey

Birthplace (February 8, 2007)

Remember that time the Democratic candidate got more popular votes than the Republican candidate, but didn't win the presidency? His name was ...

GROVER CLEVELAND! The year was 1892, and he lost to Benjamin Harrison. Yes, it happened to Al Gore too, but there's an important difference: when life kicked Grover Cleveland in the biscuits, he knuckled up, made lemons out of lemonade, waded through hell and high water, made a left turn and accidentally ended up back in hell, then got his bearings, went back through the high water and made it back to the White House four years later.

Al Gore mostly ate donuts and then started trying to ruin the global economy.

Stephen Grover Cleveland was born in Caldwell, New Jersey, in 1837, the fifth of nine children of a Presbyterian minister whose love of god was second only to his love of seeding his wife. His family moved to New York state when he was four; he eventually ended up stopping in Buffalo when a scheduled trip to Ohio was cut short by a charming 133 month lake-effect snow storm. While waiting for the thaw, he became a lawyer (though he never went to law school; he clerked for three years before passing the bar).

Here's where it gets BLADOW: He got elected mayor of Buffalo in 1881 on a reform platform, because who wouldn't want to clean up Buffalo? He was so good at keeping the streets clean that the next year he won the governor's race in New York. He was so impressive at being governor that he was nominated for president in 1884. He made a grand total of three campaign appearances outside of Albany (one to Buffalo and two trips to the store for milk). And he WON. From mayor of Buffalo to president of the United States in three years. Yee.

He lost his re-election bid in 1888, over the sexy, sexy issue of tariffs. But in 1892 he made his triumphant return to Washington ... for four more years, at which point his party got tired of him and went with proven winner William Jennings Bryan and his sexy, sexy issue, the coinage of silver. No, really.

The house in Caldwell is a tiny affair -- it was a Manse owned by his father's church. It has a very simple four-room layout downstairs; the G came from humble origins. The bed where Cleveland was born (and probably conceived, wink wink) is still there, as is his crib, and a few choice artifacts -- campaign materials, personal photos, a piece of his wedding cake. (It's fruitcake, which will not decompose until 2832.) It's a nice, quick visit, and the on-site guide has all kinds of great stories. Don't be shy. Tell her Chris sent you.

  • The only man to serve non-consecutive terms, Cleveland is counted as the 22nd and 24th president. Which, let's be honest, is kind of dumb. The only president born in New Jersey, and the only president buried there (Princeton), though for most of his life he was pretty good about avoiding that hellhole.
  • The name "Grover" came from the first minister of his father's Caldwell church (the Clevelands were the second family to live in the Manse). His mom called him "Little Grove." His nieces and nephews called him "Uncle Jumbo." I call him "Sugarwalls."
  • Links with Woodrow Wilson: both men were sons of Presbyterian ministers; both were born in a Manse; both went by their middle names; both became governors of states they were not born in; both ran as Democratic "reform" candidates fighting political machines; both were nominated for president after one year as governor; both were married during their presidencies. Cleveland retired to Princeton after leaving the White House and sat on the board for the University ... when Wilson was named the school's president. They hated each other.
  • Kicked off the current string of 20 straight presidents without a beard. As a young professional he grew a beard, had his picture taken, and then sent the picture to friends to gather their opinions on the look. They shot it down. So basically, Grover Cleveland invented MySpace.
  • In 1884 he survived one of the dirtiest presidential campaigns on record. The unmarried Cleveland was accused of having a bastard child with a widower named Maria Halpin, who worked in a clothing store in Buffalo. Though Cleveland was paying child support, paternity wasn't entirely clear because Halpin was also regularly checking the inseams of his law partner and mentor Oscar Folsom. So if you're ever time-traveling back to 1880s Buffalo, you know where the party is.
  • When Oscar Folsom died, Cleveland became the executor of the Folsom estate, which gave him dibs on Folsom's daughter Frances, whom Cleveland married in 1886. He was 49; she was 21. This is why Cleveland is often referred to as "the president I'd most like to high-five." She was the youngest First Lady in history, and she always will be, because these days you can't deal with the mental problems of a 21-year-old girl and run the free world at the same time.
  • Let's make this perfectly clear: he married the daughter (less than half his age) of his dead law partner. The same law partner that he shared a mistress with. And he might have had a bastard kid with the mistress. And he was elected TWICE. Politics used to be so much more interesting.
  • Before Cleveland married, his sister took care of hosting duties in the White House. She was a closet lesbian. And that's why we almost went to war with France in 1885 over food poisoning from beef jerky.
  • Folsom and Cleveland were married in the Blue Room of the White House, behind the Green Door. He is the only president to be married in that building, the only president to have a child born in that building, and on a related note, the only president not to get back his cleaning deposit. John Philip Sousa and the U.S. Marine Band played at his wedding, to the frustration of Frances, who wanted a DJ.
  • Often noted as the biggest beer-drinker of all the presidents, which led to the 1888 campaign slogan, "You think you're better than me?" Loved fishing and hunting.
  • Issued more vetoes than all previous presidents combined, which is why Congressmen affectionately referred to him as "Old ****face."
  • The press created a mock 1892 campaign pitting Cleveland's daughter "Baby Ruth" against Harrison's grandson "Baby McKee." Ruth won in a landslide when, one month before Election Day, McKee was caught snorting opium off his nanny's stomach. Baby Ruth candy bars are, by most accounts, named after Cleveland's daughter; this was also an honor shared by his son Zagnut.
  • Valued his privacy, and was the first of three presidents to beat a paparazzi into a coma with the handle of a garden rake. (FDR, Carter)
  • Spent the four years between his terms living in Manhattan and working as a bartender at a gay club in the East Village.
  • Attempted to counter Bryan's "Cross of Gold" speech with the "Nickelplated Two-By-Four," to no avail.
  • #3 on F.H.M.'s "Hottest Grovers of All Time," behind Grover Norquist and Grover the Muppet.


Where the Magic Happened

Update: The Grove in Grover (4/22/08)

You can't always judge a man by his final resting place, but in the case of Grover Cleveland ...

It's usually not too tough to find a presidential grave -- there are signs, or a flag pole, or a tasteful neon sign, or a corridor lined with chanting, torch-bearing druids. Princeton Cemetery didn't have any of these things, and after looking for Grover for about ten minutes, we set off toward an impressive looking obelisk across the way. En route, I just happened to take a glance to the left, and there he was:

The only man to be two presidents has a worn, beaten marker that doesn't even mention he was president. All it says: Born in Caldwell, died in Princeton. Not even a mention of his real first name (Stephen).

He's flanked by his wife, Frances, and a daughter (the famous Baby Ruth, as you can see below if you squint), each with headstones even more faded than his. Someone, for some reason, had hung some pukka shell necklaces on the side of his marker.

From what I've read, the whole setup matches the man -- he valued his privacy, didn't stand on pomp, and really cared about his family; you have to figure he was proud of what he'd accomplished politically, but so much of it must have seemed beyond his own doing (it all happened so fast) that he might have taken it all with a grain of salt.

One of the kicks of seeing these graves is how different they manage to be. McKinley followed Cleveland in office and wasn't significantly more important from a historical perspective. But he has a tomb overlooking Canton that has to one of the more massive grave markers in North America. Grover's grave is as worn down as any random marker you'd find in your local churchyard.

Far out.

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