23. Benjamin Harrison

Home: Harrison home, Indianapolis, Indiana
Grave: Crown Hill Cemetery, Indianapolis, Indiana

Harrison Home (August 23, 2005)

Rags-to-riches stories are just fine, but what about riches-to-richer? What about the chumps who have to live up to generations of ridiculous standards? Benjamin Harrison's great grandfather signed the Declaration of Independence, his grandfather was a war hero and U.S. president, and his dad was a U.S. Representative. And you think you feel pressure to take over the plumbing supply business from your dad.

But Harrison did alright for himself. He was born in North Bend, Ohio, went to Miami University and became a lawyer. And not just any lawyer -- in the professional sense, he's sometimes ranked as the best lawyer among U.S. Presidents (he argued a case before the Supreme Court after leaving office, in fact). When war broke out, he channeled grandpa and recruited 1,000 troops to form the 70th Indiana, because that's what you did back then. Even if you had a great job or a happy family, you just dropped everything and signed up for the army. And you grew a beard. It was the law.

Before the war was over he was a brigadier general, and after the war he went back to lawyering. He was chosen for the Senate in 1881, and in 1888 he was a compromise candidate for the Republicans. And then he did nothing all that interesting, lost his bid for a second term and went back to being a lawyer.

It's all very impressive. It's also very boring on paper, and that's why he'll mostly be remembered as the creamy Republican filling of the Grover Cleveland era. But if you're in Indianapolis, swing on by the house. It's a pretty snazzy tour -- they have costumed docents armed with funny trivia and a lot of original decorations and memorabilia. Visit, and think long and hard about how there's a little Benjamin Harrison in all of us. There's not really, but if you're in Indianapolis, you'll probably be looking for ways to kill time.

He had two marriages. After his first wife died, he married his neice on his wife's side, who was also 30 years his junior. Big ups to my friend John for pointing on the tour to a picture of BH with a 5-year-old girl on his knee, and asking, "Is that his third wife?"
Harrison lost the popular vote to Grover Cleveland in 1888 but won the Electoral College. Harrison used vicious attack ads ridiculing Cleveland, who foolishly tried to take credit for inventing the telegraph.
The last sitting president to have a full beard. Also the last sitting president to have a "Born to Do It" tattoo on his right bicep.
BH was a great public speaker and did all of his campaigning through speeches on the front porch of his house. His stump speech famously promised to "get people the hell off of my lawn." But today, if you stand on Harrison's front porch and yell at passing cars, you don't really get the same respect. Things ain't what they used to be.
His entire family lived at the White House with him, and he bought his grandson a pet goat named Old Whiskers. Supposedly the goat escaped one day and Harrison chased it down Pennsylvania Ave. with his grandkids. But if you chase a goat down Pennsylvania Avenue today, you don't really get the same respect. Things ain't what they used to be.
He owned a freeweight set that included wooden dumbells of, oh, maybe 10 ounces. Seriously. I picked one up. He wasn't quite Soloflex-commercial material.
He really liked oysters after eating them in the Civil War. Big ups to me for pointing to fake oysters on the dining room table and asking, "Are those from the 1880s?"
He had electricity in his home but no running water. The next time you find yourself forced to use a dirty men's room in a Denny's at 3 a.m., grit your teeth and remember: you have it better than the 23rd president of the United States.

Dead Publicists (3/26/08)

Indianapolis, like most major American cities, has its fair share of dead people, and the creme de la dead people are in Crown Hill cemetery. So of course, that's where Harrison is buried:

You'll note that "president" doesn't get top billing on his marker. Instead, that honor goes to "lawyer and publicist." Yes, publicist. Look for time-traveling Benjamin Harrison on the next season of "Entourage." (That's how desperate they are to tweak the ratings.) Not pictured: the line "Statesman, yet friend to truth." Apparently, the statesmen of the 1890s needed better publicists.