Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

25. William McKinley

McKinley Memorial, Canton, Ohio; Assassination site, Buffalo, New York

McKinley Memorial (March 20, 2008)

You know what they say about guys with big tombs. Behold our third-greatest president, William McKinley:

You're looking at 75 feet of hot pink Massachusetts granite, which puts Bill's tomb just a notch behind Lincoln's and within a stone's throw of Grant's. Undeserved company, you say? Bah! Lincoln and Grant may have held the country together, but McKinley saved the union from its deadliest, most nefarious foes:

Spain, and cheap imported goods.

He was born in Niles, Ohio, the seventh of nine Irish/Scottish halfbreeds -- a mix that cemented his fighting spirit and hatred of underwear. He volunteered for the Civil War, attended law school in New York and then moved to Canton at his sister's behest. He ran for Congress at the age of 33 and saw seven glorious terms in the House before becoming governor of Ohio; though anticipating retirement in 1896, he answered his party's call as the GOP presidential nominee. Under guidance from McKinley's firm hand, we beat back the subhuman mongrels of the Spanish empire, driving the white devils from many of their strongholds and guaranteeing the future of the Florida Marlins farm system, and a democratic Cuba, in the process.

Then some nutjob shot him. And sure, that seems sad. But it made this cool photo possible!

You can learn all this not too much more at the museum right next to the tomb, which claims to have the "largest collection of McKinleyana" in the world. That amounts to one room with some old furniture, a few cases of campaign buttons and dolls of McKinley and his wife, Ida. The dolls, by the way, are animatronic and on a motion sensor, and if you don't know that they're animatronic, and you're the only person visiting, and you have your back turned when they suddenly start talking, you will probably almost crap your pants. So heads up.

McKinely had a home in Canton -- he famously conducted a winning "front porch" campaign in the city -- but that building is long gone, with the lumber converted (really) into park shelters and benches by the city in the 1930s. The site of the home is now a library with a historical marker (and a giant sun-catcher) out front.

Honestly, without the help of a house tour by a period-costumed guide, the man is still a total mystery to me. But that would never keep you from ...

FUN MCKINLEY FACTS!

  • McKinley was the last Civil War veteran to become president. Nicknamed "The Major," he survived four years of the Civil War without a scratch -- including the bloodiest day ever on American soil at Antietam -- only to be shot twice at an exposition in Buffalo by a single anarchist working alone. Contrast that with his commanding officer, Rutherford B. Hayes, who was shot five times during the Civil War, but not at all during his presidency. Wacky stuff, huh?
  • The exposition's theme was "electricity," and one of the displays was an X-Ray machine made by Thomas Edison. When the .32 bullet in McKinley's body could not be located, doctors did not want to use the X-Ray machine on the president for fear of possible side-effects. McKinley ended up dying of gangrene from the infected wounds. Stack that up with fellow Ohioan James A. Garfield, who also had an assassin's bullets lodged in his body -- Alexander Graham Bell had tried to use a metal detector of his own devising but was unsuccessful in locating the bullets. So: Insane Killers 2, Ohio Presidents and Their Famous Inventor Friends 0.
  • Leon Czolgosz (voted the Most Difficult to Spell Trivia Answer of the Millennium) was eventually killed by electric chair. So at least Edison got SOME revenge.
  • During the Civil War, McKinley joined the Freemasons in Winchester, Virginia. Why any cult planning world domination would have a chapter in Winchester is anybody's guess.
  • The McKinley Tariff (enacted when he was in Congress) caused massive price inflation and intense economic woes throughout the nation. And somehow, the Democrats still couldn't beat this guy.
  • Rose to prominence largely under the guidance of campaign manager (and millionaire) Mark Hanna, a man whom Karl Rove has openly expressed admiration for and patterned himself after. Hanna's bold tactics earned him the nickname "Hanna the Barbarian."
  • Staying in Canton for the 1896 campaign, McKinley spoke to 750,000 visitors. William Jennings "Cross of Gold" Bryan, on the other hand, traveled 18,000 miles in three months and spoke to 5 million people. AND LOST. Laziness: it gets the job done.
  • The seizing of Spanish treasure galleons made the switch to the gold standard in 1900 possible.
  • Was elected president of the Canton YMCA following his famous "awkward steam room campaign."
  • His inaugurals were held in what is now the National Building Museum. Anyone want to meet me there in formal wear and make pretend?
  • Both of McKinley's children died very young. His wife Ida, who was also dealing with several other deaths in her family, had an emotional breakdown and was withdrawn and sickly for the rest of her life. She spent most of her time crocheting more than 4,000 pairs of booties. No joke, it's just a sad story.
  • As president, McKinley actually dedicated Grant's tomb in New York City in 1897. Grant's zombie did not return the favor in 1907.

Blown Away (August 2, 2008)

Of the many fine people who have made significant contributions to American History, Leon Czolgosz probably has the name that's hardest to spell. But did he let it stop him? NO! Here's where he had his one shining moment, on Sept. 6, 1901:

That's the approximate spot where Czolgosz introduced himself to William McKinley, by shooting him. Today it's a pretty nice looking neighborhood in Buffalo, built on the site of the Pan-American Exposition McKinley was attending; specifically, McKinley was at the Temple of Music when he got shot, and so scores of proud Americans honor his memory each year by shooting other proud Americans outside of nightclubs.

The marker is on a median strip. Fifteen feet away, a middle-aged guy was mowing his lawn with his shirt off when I stopped there. As I was leaving, I saw in the rear-view mirror that he was mowing the median around the rock. I can't decide if this is patriotic or not.

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