Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

3. Thomas Jefferson

Monticello, Charlottesville, Virginia; Birthplace, Shadwell, Virginia; Library of Congress, Washington, DC

Monticello (March 14, 2007)


Things I learned on my class trip to Monticello: 1) Thomas Jefferson was our nation's greatest redhead. The end!

Jefferson was born in 1743, not far from where Monticello sits. (He's buried on site, see picture below.) He inherited 5,000 acres, a bunch of slaves and pretty decent social standing from his folks; went to William & Mary (captain of the cheerleading squad), read law, served in the House of Burgesses (for the EVIL British); when the Continental Congress rolled around he had gained some renown as a thinker and was asked to help write the Declaration of Independence. From there things really steamrolled: Virginia House of Delegates, Governor of Virginia, U.S. Minister to France, first secretary of state, second vice president, third president.

And in his spare time, he was a farmer, inventor, architect, archaeologist, book collector, master karate fighter, university founder, Albemarle County karaoke champion, anchor of the Founding Fathers bobsled team and author.

And that SOUNDS impressive, but you tend to have a bit more spare time when you have 140 slaves to chip in around the house. Slaves definitely explain part of the Jefferson mystique. He was a revolutionary farmer, right? At Monticello Jefferson experimented with hundreds of fruits and vegetables, taking detailed notes on all his yields and developing a new kind of plow. But it's easier to be a brilliant and prolific farmer when you don't have to actually FARM. Staffing out the grunt work to your unpaid employees really frees up your day.

But on the other hand, opportunity doesn't equal greatness. History is filled with men born to similar lots who did nothing. Jefferson was by any standard a genius, and a motivated one. Free to live a life of almost total leisure, he instead chose to shape the future of humanity. My life of almost total leisure has led mostly to watching "Scrubs" in syndication 4 times a day.

Jefferson's Grave at MonticelloThese are the kinds of arguments that you should have after six beers, preferably with sexually frustrated grad students. The staff at Monticello is a little less receptive, because they're mostly busy herding you from room to room before the next tour group shows up. It's a shame, because Jefferson's is probably the coolest of all the presidential homes: he designed it himself, and almost every detail of the estate in some way reflects aspects of his character and philosophy. There's a ridiculous amount of information on the man (he saved copies of all 20,000 letters he wrote in his lifetime), but all you really get from a trip to Albemarle County is factoids, a few quotes and some cute stories. Of course if you're not me, you don't really care what the choice of ceiling board in the dining room says about Jefferson's undying faith in meritocracy, so by all means plan a visit.

  • Died on July 4, 1826, the same day as John Adams, making it the best day in recorded history for presidential death pools.
  • Jefferson was married once, to the widower Martha Wayles Skelton in 1772. They had six kids, only two of whom lived to adulthood. Martha died in 1782, and Jefferson never remarried ... though he did make time (and babies) with Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves at Monticello. Jefferson had acquired Hemmings in his marriage to Martha; she was actually Martha's half-sister, as Jefferson's father-in-law (also a plantation owner) fathered her right before he died in 1773. Family traditions are weird, huh?
  • Jefferson called slavery a "stain" on the nation, but he owned 140 slaves and freed only seven, mostly because it's the job of the help to get stains out.
  • Among Jefferson's inventions at Monticello are the gravity-powered clock, the wine dumbwaiter, and the XJ-4000 Annihilo-Ray, which really came in handy during that whole Barbary Pirate thing.
  • TJ used a lithograph to make simultaneous copies of all his letters, which is why we have detailed records of "Things I Want Sally to Pick Up at the Cheese Shop."
  • A prolific collector of books, Jefferson sold his collection to the government to start the Library of Congress. Congress was horrified months later to realize that most of the collection was erotic romance novels.
  • Jefferson founded the University of Virginia in nearby Charlottesville as a way of promoting a meritocratic society, and also as a great way to hang out around hot co-eds.
  • The original draft of the Declaration of Independence described the rights to "life, liberty and rocking hard."
  • As president, he would often greet White House visitors while wearing a dressing gown and slippers. His decision to wear a "F*** the King" t-shirt to a state dinner in 1808 led directly to the War of 1812.
  • Oversaw the Louisiana Purchase, which doubled the size of America. Also tried to auction off New Jersey. There were no takers.
  • Jefferson Was good friends with James Madison, who lived 30 miles away and would often spend weeks at Monticello. He was slightly less friendly with James Monroe, who lived 2 miles away and kept on borrowing his lawnmower without asking.
  • Jefferson wrote his own epitaph for his Monticello grave and specifically left out any mention of the presidency, due to his firm belief that it was all a dream!

Update: Shadwell That Ends Well (3/12/08)

I was driving through Charlottesville on a Saturday, within miles of the Thomas Jefferson birthplace. Since I once drove 2 hours to see a field with a picnic table where Millard Fillmore was born, I didn't have much choice. In for a penny, in for a pound.

BEHOLD THE GLORY!

It's a sign. On the shoulder of US-250. The only thing my head is blocking is a great view of some weeds. I think there's an empty field somewhere with an archaeological dig where the house used to be, but I don't think you can go there.

So congratulations, Millard Fillmore. You have something on Thomas Jefferson. La'Chiam.

Update: Tomas esta en la biblioteca (5/15/08)

The British, never the reading type, rudely burned Washington D.C. to the ground in the war of 1812, taking with it the original congressional library. Thomas Jefferson, who needed the cash to fund his lavish ... uh, book-buying habit, sold his personal library (something like 6,000 books) to the country. This seed grew into the new Library of Congress.

A lot of those books have been destroyed by time, fire, or jerks who never returned them, but everything that's left is now on display at the Jefferson Building of the Library of Congress. It's all part of their new tourist initiative, which includes hot new video displays and exhibits: "2008 Visitors in 2008 -- It Could Happen!"

I got to check out the display the other weekend with my brother, and it's sort of a kick to see the private collection of our nation's most beloved nerd. The books are arranged in a circle, arranged in Jefferson's personal classification system; that means all French erotica is at eye-level and everything else is just sort of tossed on the shelves at random.

Anyhow, if you have an obsession with the presidents, go check it out. If you're not me, you still might enjoy the display on the other side of the building -- old maps. They have the first map believed to use the word "America." That's cool because ... uh ... well ...

It's just cool. The west coast of the the New World says "Incognita" and for the interior of Africa, the guy just gave up and drew an elephant. A few years later the same dude drastically revised his worldview to something less accurate, so it's not like he was a stickler for detail. But hey, old map.

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