Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Eisenhower National Historic Site, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Eisenhower farm (October 5, 2008)

You can't always connect with a president from visiting their home -- you can guess what they were like, but in the case of the really old guys, they grew up in a totally different era. Anyone who never enjoyed indoor plumbing will always be a bit of an enigma to anyone who did. The modern guys, though, are a little different.

That's the home of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower in Gettysburg, Pa., the one place they were actually able to settle down after years of globetrotting in defense of the free world and that sort of thing. Ike liked the area (he was stationed there early in his career plus he was a Civil War buff), it wasn't too far from Washington, and he had friends who lived nearby, so they bought a few hundred acres. It's modest, kind of charming, and straight out of the 1950s. Me and my (pretending to be sullen) friends stopped in, and I'm happy to report: It's your grandparents' house. Or it would be, if your granddad had personally defeated Hitler.

You get there via shuttlebus from the Gettysburg battlefield visitors center, and if you're lucky (like me and my friends) you'll get a briefing from one particular park ranger on your arrival. He won't tell you much about the Eisenhowers, but first, after asking every single person in the tour group where they are from and trying to make small talk about each location, he will relate a story from 1961, when his parents finally decided to "introduce him to the American Civil War." Apparently, this is a decision all parents make, like when to have the sex talk or explaining that you're adopted. Driving to the battlefield in an Impala they passed Eisenhower's driveway, his dad proudly barked (and the ranger does the voice), "That's where General Eisenhower lives!" As an 11-year-old, he did not appreciate how momentous this occasion was at the time. If you're bored by this story, please bear in mind that we had about an hour to visit the house before we had to catch the bus back, and my blood pressure went up about 20 points with each minute. The highlight was the ranger asking a question of my roommate:

RANGER: In 1961, something happened, and Eisenhower became just like you and me, do you know what that is?

MICHAEL: Why don't you tell me.

And then I had a rage-induced stroke. It was awesome! Once you're inside the house, things are much better. They give you a brief orienation speech in the living room -- probably the least lived-in room of the house (Eisenhower found it "stuffy") but the one filled with all the gifts Ike got as president or was able to loot from Nazi treasure troves. And it still has the old folks touch: there's a baby grand piano with a ton of pictures on top of the closed lid. It made me laugh.

After that you get a brochure and you're turned loose (within reason, you can't try on Mamie's bathrobe). It's a big house, it's not a luxurious mansion by any stretch. There are a few guest rooms, and a nice dining room, but beyond that it's all functional: smallish bedrooms, normal bathrooms, cushy den chairs with afghans draped over the back and that sort of thing. Their favorite room of the house was the back porch: white cushions on the furniture, a driftwood lamp, and most important, the radiation box.

Ike and Mamie liked TV, and why not? After commanding NATO for a few years and ruling the free world, why not relax for an hour or two a night? Together, they watched "I Love Lucy" (the cast came to the White House for a state dinner); Ike watched Westerns; and Mamie loved soaps. Apparently, she enjoyed "As the World Turns" so much that if she couldn't watch, she had a Secret Service agent take notes on the episode.

You can also spot the easel in the corner where Ike liked to paint. And he wasn't bad! He did paintings of his grandkids, landscapes, and flowers ... not what you'd expect from a guy who in his spare time liberated Europe from the iron grip of fascism. Mamie has her flourishes all over the house, too: The upstairs bathroom and the master bedroom are pink (her favorite color); the wallpaper in the entrance hall is a pattern she picked out of a catalog that has the seals of all 48 states and the territory of Hawaii (though as First Lady she was able to get a customized color scheme more to her liking); there's a kitchen she almost never used (Ike was the better cook, she said she could only make mayonaise and fudge).

There are some historical points. Eisenhower recovered from a mid-preisdency heart attack in the home, making it a temporary White House of sorts; he had a very tiny office off his den where he got the first calls about Gary Powers being shot down over Russia. (VERY tiny -- it's a mud room, but with two book shelves and a replica of George Washington's desk, and it was the de facto Oval Office. He signed bills in a mud room. Crazy). All the books around the house were owned by Eisenhower, and the guy had a taste for paperback Westerns, among other things.

If all that isn't enough for you, the place was a functioning cattle ranch and farm, and apparently a pretty good one. Like fellow ranch-owner LBJ a few years later, Eisenhower would take visitors (everyone from Churchill to Nehru) out to tour the stables, or work in the fields -- whatever tickled their fancy (in Churchill's case, getting drunk and shooting at Civil War reenacters). Eisenhower would poke his favorite steer in the butt with a shotgun until it stood up, a display that apparently became very popular among guests and very unpopular with the Secret Service, which had to study ways to apply sleeper holds on Angus cattle. The view here is from inside the no-longer-fucntional show barn.

It's a pretty spread, with mountains or rolling hills in every direction. A special treat for any visitor to the farm would have been a stop by the outdoor cage where Eisenhower kept the captive Adolph Hitler.

The story spread to the public was that Hitler had committed suicide in a bunker as the Allies approached Berlin, and that his body was recovered by Russians who secretively hauled it back to the Soviet Union. But in fact, Eisenhower managed to arrange the capture of the German leader, who was then held in this simple pen not far from the show barn. High-ranking visitors could squirt Hitler with a hose, yell names at him, blast non-stop klezmer music or force him to wrestle Eisenhower's prize cattle. Also, Mamie had his moustache dyed pink.

Not many things make me laugh to the point of tears, but this concept did. You are probably scratching your head, and this is why the tentative title of my autobiography is, "I Guess You Had to Be There." Regardless, the Eisenhower farm is astoundingly neat.

FUN EISENHOWER FACTS!

  • One of seven children, Ike joined the army in hopes of a free education, and ended up as one the most successful soldiers and statesmen of the 20th century. So there's nothing wrong with being cheap, ladies.
  • The Eisenhowers always loved entertaining. Both played piano: Mamie played by ear, and Ike knew enough to bang out some 50-verse West Point songs when entertaining military buddies. Tapes of Ike playing such songs were played inside the D-Day landing craft to motivate troops to run toward the beach.
  • Upon retirement from the Army, Eisenhower purchased a fancy car which drained his entire savings. He was able to afford the ranch only after receiving more than $600,000 for "Crusade in Europe," his memoir of World War II. His children's book, "Amphibious Assault on Candy Island," was less successful.
  • Eisenhower enjoyed golfing and had a putting green in his back yard. He also had a skeet-shooting range, and a man-hunting setup similar to "The Man With the Golden Gun."
  • Mamie believed a woman over 50 was entitled to stay in bed until noon. And this was BEFORE Craftmatic adjustables. After Ike's death, Mamie kept books and papers on his side of the bed to make it seem less empty. Sweet.
  • Eisenhower enjoyed cooking, and his specialty was "Pennsylvania Dutch breakfasts": Shoo-Fly pike with a fried egg on top. Yummers.
  • Ike entertained numerous world leaders on the porch, and nearly caused nuclear war by forcing Khrushchev to watch "Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts."
  • Ike enjoyed giving visitors tours of the Gettysburg battlefield, especially tours indicating how HE would have done it.

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