Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

35. John F. Kennedy

Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington, Virginia

Arlington Cemetery (September 16, 2007)

I think you have to have lived through the 1960s to really "get" JFK (or The Doors, or feminism). On paper he's a bad president, and his credentials as a person are a bit iffy -- born with a silver spoon in every orifice, won the Pulitzer Prize for a book he didn't even write, cheated on his wife like it was his job, had offices essentially purchased by his dad, was narrowly elected president following *cough* highly irregular voting, basically because he looked prettier on television than Nixon. He didn't do a ton for the economy, he didn't really lift a finger for race relations, he led the country as close as it's ever been to nuclear war, and he put us on the path to Vietnam.

But people love him. Whatever he was, the moment he died he became a symbol. Instead of a one-term president with a bunch of flowery speeches and nothing to show for it, he was the inspiration that let other, more competent people actually get stuff done.

His gravesite at Arlington National Cemetery captures that dynamic. I'm not big on schmaltz, and I don't think all that much of JFK, but the eternal flame marking his grave is actually touching. The marker is simple, the torch is simple and the whole thing is eerily quiet. This is the part where I'm supposed wax poetic about indomitable passion and unconquerable energy, but I don't feel like it. Instead, go listen to "I Believe I Can Fly" off the "Space Jam" soundtrack.

Actually, while I'm thinking of it, that's what I want for my grave. R. Kelly playing on a continuous loop. Honor my wishes.

  • The youngest elected president, though Teddy Roosevelt was the youngest to serve, and Eisenhower was relatively younger, what with being an android.
  • Though a hunchback in terrible health, he scored like nobody's business. So much for your excuses, huh?
  • The only Roman Catholic president, and therefore the only president that has any chance of going to heaven.
  • The first Boy Scout to become president, and the only Boy Scout to earn the elusive "Nuclear Brinksmanship" merit badge.

JFK has a nice view -- across the Potomac, looking at the monuments over stone carvings of speeches he didn't write.

He also has good company. Bobby is next door. He gets a fountain, but another understated and graceful marker.

Legal Stuff: If you have questions about this Web site, why? You should spend your time questioning the moral nature of any god who would let Chris White exist. But anyhow ... copyright 2008, Chris White Sucks Inc.