Dead Presidents

Chris White is touring the gravesites, birthplaces and homes of the U.S. presidents. Here are his notes from those visits, which he probably means to be funny. Eh.

38. Gerald R. Ford Jr.

Gerald R. Ford Museum, Grand Rapids, Michigan

Ford Museum (March 24, 2008)

There's a particular story posted on the walls of the Gerald R. Ford Museum. If it's not true, it should be:

Campaigning to upset a Republican congressman in Michigan's 5th District, Ford promised a farmer that, if he won the primary, he would milk that farmer's cows for two weeks. The day after his victory, he showed up at the farm at 4:30 in the morning. When the shocked farmer asked why he was there, he simply said that he meant to keep his campaign promises.

You know how girls complain to their nice guy friends about how there are no nice guys, and then proceed to date community college burnouts with standing appointments at the free clinic? Gerald Ford was the nice guy president. For whatever reason the country wasn't ready to date him. But 30 years later, the country is living alone in a trailer park with a wardrobe that's mostly stretchpants. It spits in its hand, puts out a menthol cigarette in that glob of spit, sighs and thinks: "I wonder what Gerald Ford is up to?" Bad news, country: he's dead.

But he wasn't always! He was born in 1913 in Nebraska as Leslie Lynch King Jr., but his dad was somewhat of an abusive craphead, so his mom kicked Sr. to the curb while getting the family up to Grand Rapids, Michigan. When she married Gerald R. Ford, Leslie was renamed, becoming Gerald R. Ford Jr.

From then on "Junie" had a rock-solid textbook Midwestern upbringing (meaning he was beaten regularly with a corn stalk). He worked odd jobs to get through high school, became an Eagle Scout, had some religion in him ... and as a star center he led his high school football team to the 1930 state championship. Ford landed a $100 scholarship to the University of Michigan and waited tables in the cafeteria to make ends meet; he was a star on a mostly crappy football team and pledged DKE. He talked his way into Yale Law School, enlisted in the Navy during World War II, served with distinction and came home to Grand Rapids and a law firm gig; he met Betty Bloomer Warren and married her as he was getting ready for his first run at Congress. In the House, Ford made quick friends with a few other young legislators -- Richard Nixon, for one, and fellow Navy veteran John F. Kennedy. He worked his way up the ladder with a reputation for honesty and integrity, becoming the minority leader; his dream was to be Speaker, but when it looked like a GOP majority wasn't coming anytime soon, he promised Betty that he'd leave politics when his term ended in 1976.

And that's when it hit the fan. Nixon actually asked Ford for recommendations to replace Spiro Agnew; he declined to name himself, but his colleagues didn't hesitate. Then Nixon imploded, leaving Ford suddenly holding the bag as the first ever president never elected on a national ticket. He was the head of a party in total disgrace, he was facing a hostile Congress with a huge majority, inflation was crippling the economy and the Vietnam War was in its last gasps. When your inaugural includes the line "Our long national nightmare is over," you've got a tough row to hoe.

The thing is, he did a pretty good job of it. He took a ton of crap for pardoning Nixon, but with his openness and integrity he restored a lot of confidence in the White House, (probably) helped bring inflation down and kept America active in global affairs. When he decided to run for election in 1976 he managed to beat back Ronald Reagan (whom Ford had recommended as a possible Agnew replacement) in the primary and almost overcame a huge deficit in the polls against Carter (a switch of 9,000 votes in two states would have won the election for Ford). The guy was holding a pair of twos, he didn't believe in bluffing, and he still almost won the hand fate dealt him.

But we mostly remember him for falling down stairs, and you can recreate the Gerald Ford experience at the museum with any one of their interactive staircases. Bring the kids!

Honestly, it's a fantastic museum -- without being too stuffy, it's packed with info on Ford, his family and the historical context he worked in. There are some really cool artifacts, including the pen used to pardon Nixon, the .45 Squeaky Froam carried in her attempt to assassinate Ford, and the staircase from the roof of the U.S. Embassy in Saigon (above) which took the last refugees and diplomats to the escape helicopter. They also have nifty recreations of the the Oval Office (as redecorated by Betty) and the Cabinet Room:

You're allowed to play make-believe in the Cabinet Room, but for some reason if you hope the rail around the Oval Office, curse into the Hotline and pretend you're initiating a preemptive nuclear strike, the security guards get uppity. Bleh.

There's probably a little bit of whitewashing of the Ford image going on, but for the most part the museum seems to offer an honest assessment of the man and his career. That seems appropriate for a guy who built a career around honesty. Ford is currently waiting for Betty in a pine-covered knoll next to the museum, with a simple epitaph: "Lives Committed to God, Country and Love." And the more you learn about Ford, as cyncial as we are about politicians, you really do believe it. If all this sounds schmaltzy, well ... I guess you always remember your first president fondly. Well done, Jerry.

FUN FORD FACTS!

  • After his junior year in high school, Ford had a 40-cents-an-hour gig at his stepdad's paint and varnish company. After four months of sniffing fumes, he decided on a career in public service.
  • Coming out of college in the 1930s he was offered $2,400 guaranteed contracts (plus travel expenses!) by the Green Bay Packers and Detroit Lions. In 2005, the Lions repeated the offer, because their offensive line needed the upgrade.
  • In light of his non-elected status, Ford refused to have "Hail to the Chief" played at any presidential function. Instead, he had bands play the University of Michigan fight song ("Hail to the Victors"), or sometimes, Parliament's "If It Don't Fit Don't Force It."
  • Became the minority leader thanks to vote-wrangling by Rep. Bob Dole, who would eventually be his 1976 running mate and 2004 Viagra hook-up.
  • Gerald's honeymoon with Betty was a trip to see a University of Michigan home game, followed by an outdoor rally in the freezing cold for GOP presidential candidate Thomas Dewey, followed by no sex for 10 months.
  • Ford hoped the pardon of Nixon would help the national healing process, but it dropped his approval rating by 21 points. The executive order that followed -- to put Nixon through a coast-to-coast spanking machine -- was sadly deemed unconstitutional.
  • When the pen used to pardon Nixon is held upside down, the lady's bikini disappears.
  • Despite his public image as a klutz, Ford was one of our most athletic presidents, behind only Teddy Roosevelt and Chester "Iron Thighs" Arthur.
  • Teenage daughter Susan had her senior prom in the East Room of the White House, follwed by her first real groping in the Blue Room, followed by the first beating up of her date by the Secret Service on the South Lawn.
  • There were two attempts on Ford's life in the same month, but hippies never really follow through on anything.
  • The three rules in the household of Ford's childhood: tell the truth, work hard, and come to dinner on time. These rules greatly shaped Ford's character, because the punishment for breaking them was death by genital electrocution.
  • Members of Ford's executive branch and cabinet included Alan Greenspan, George H.W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Brent Scowcroft, and as BFFs they all made sure to KIT.

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