My Note to the Stockholders

June 2002

While my two and a half weeks here have been productive, enjoyable ones, and while I feel as though Jamie, the kids and I are truly part of this corporate family, concerns over slight inaccuracies in my resume have created an environment in which I can no longer effectively manage, mainly because the locks on my office have been changed. So it is with a heavy heart that I submit my resignation, though the errors are perfectly explainable:

--Through slight typographical mistakes, a correspondence school certificate in gun repair was misidentified as an M.B.A. from Stanford. I think if you look at any standard keyboard you'll see how this happened.

--I was not in fact CFO of 7-Eleven Corp., but night cashier at store attached to an Exxon station in Peoria, Ill. A misunderstanding on my part as to the meaning of "CFO."

--Assertions that I was a "motivated self-starter" were true at time they were made. It was a spell of cold weather and losses in the stock market that prompted me to spend most mornings reading Maxim in the boiler room.

--So as not to upset my family dog, I changed the length of employment for all my previous jobs into dog years.

--The National Association of Brotherhoods at no time named me Entrepreneur of the Millennium, as such an organization does not and has never existed. This item was added to my resume by an underling at a previous job, a lovable gimping albino lad whom I hired out of compassion, not knowing of his Haldol addiction or spasms of blind rage. His action was no doubt precipitated by my spurning of his romantic advances. In consideration to his family, I will not release his name.

--In a moment of disorientation, my love of the film "Rudy" was listed as a three-year stint as the head coach at Notre Dame.

--"Knowledge of standard word processing and accounting software," to me, means I know of and acknowledge its existence. Apparently some people disagree.

--By "service in Vietnam," I was in fact referring to a two-day stint as a busboy at the Vietnam Palace on 58th St., not the protracted and bloody conflict which I was excepted, largely due to my being 2 at the time and also a conscientious objector.

--My references are no longer, in fact, available on request, many of them having died in a marina fire of their own setting.

--A lack of specificity in the vacancy notice gave me the mistaken impression that my past salaries could in fact be listed in dollars inflation-adjusted for the year 2135.

--At no point was I president of Uruguay.

--Under "other experiences," I never played Mercutio in the BBC production of "Romeo & Juliet." This error was introduced when my resume was translated into Tagalog and then back into English. It should read "15 months at Joliet." For setting a marina fire, but I assure you a completely different one.

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White