Fad Diets Revisited

May 2002

The 300-lb. side of meat diet.

The first question to ask when embarking on a diet consisting solely of 300-lb. sides of meat, is: Why am I eating 300-lb. sides of meat? Lesser men have tried and, while becoming substantially greater for the trying, ultimately failed. Sincere motivation is needed, if only to have a ready answer to the inevitable question, "Say, what's the story with that 300-lb. side of meat?"

The most obvious motivation is health. Dr. Vesselton, in his popular "300 lb. Side of Meat Diet Uprising," shows an almost irrefutable link between eating 300-lb. sides of meat and vast reduction in weight, definitely for the sides of meat and possibly for humans as well. Vesselton chalks this up to "chuckosis," the process by which the body releases meateons to aid in the digestion of 300-lb. sides of meat; eating 300-lb. sides of meat "really helps that along, I would guess," says the good doctor from his offices in a teaching hospital in Barbuda.

A lesser-used (and ill-advised) motivation is fame. The majority of today's meat-eating records are held by the 107-lb. Ryu Shiroku of Yokahama, Japan. In one 3 hour period in 1997, Shiroku consumed five times his weight in hamburger, and managed to consume the left leg and lower abdomen of his server before anyone could stop him; he is perhaps most famous for consuming 133 hotdogs in a 12 minute period, an even more remarkable feat when one considers they were those cheese-filled hotdogs that no one really likes. His tapeworms are rumored to have tapeworms of their own. Fame is therefore not a likely outcome. While there is a certain ignominy in being the man smothered under a 300-lb. side of beef in his own kitchen, such fame is fleeting at best and is know to result in less than desirable epitaphs.

Carnie life may also be a motivation but note the generally horrible dental plans.

The bird diet

The popular misconception regarding the bird diet, says celebrated naturalist Gray Thorpe, is that it involves eating birds. "The key is eating like a baby bird," namely, through having food regurgitated into one's mouth. The result is a diet ideal for partners, with an astonishing 96 percent success rate for those couples willing to stay the course, "though 'success' should not be interpreted to include success in business, interpersonal relations, or life in general" Thorpe cautions.

With appropriate chewing, the bird diet is full compatible with almost any other diet, with the notable exception being The Powerful Emetic Fat-Blasting Dietary Regimen, also of Dr. Vesselton. As with many diets, the most difficult temptation to avoid is eating out, though in this case it is more of a legal issue.

The prison diet

"Dieting, as we know, is about routine," explains self-taught nutritionist James "Snake" Malloy, and very often the best inducement to routine is incarceration. Regular exercise schedules and meal times imposed with iron discipline can trim even the most slovenly of dieters into lean, wiry, skittish and health-conscious individuals; participants are also helped by the increased metabolism of a body sleeping with one eye open. More than one society matron has been seen in recent on months wearing stockings on her head, desperately hoping for admittance to a state-run weight management facility.

To keep motivated, Malloy recommends a series of rewards: "If you stick your cellmate with a shiv in the shower and you don't get caught, then hey, have an extra helping of mashed potatoes that night." Should your spirit be broken, "you'll be dead in a week," Malloy advises, though this is also considered an excellent method of weight management.

The Mistreat your Domestic Diet

By mistreating the household help as few as five times a day, any socialite of girth can quickly shed unsightly pounds. As tantrums progress - start easily, throwing your shoe; work up to stilted attempts at diatribes in their native tongue - the quality of prepared meals decreases drastically, as does the desire to eat said meals. One doyenne taken to shouting orders from a fainting couch with a bullhorn wasted away on a steady diet of spoiled dairy; a noted publisher with grabby hands was faced with a steady course of what we can only hope was gruel.

Again, do not relax at restaurants: nights on the town will call for inventive abuse, such as asking to smell the cork of a very expensive wine and then ordering the house red. This is particularly effective at Wendy's.

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White