Finance and Beyond

July 2002

Cosmologists employing string theory recently postulated that the universe is caught in a cyclical series of big bangs and expansions, started anew when the giant "membrane" containing our universe collides with a "dark matter" membrane a microscopic distance away. Rather than simply dying, the universe is reborn again and again. All of which points to the inevitable question, how will this affect personal finance?

Scientists, as of this writing, are still unsure. Fifty dollars invested in a standard no-fee checking account accruing 3 percent interest over 100 trillion years will yield enough to assist in the financing for most reasonable managed-care facilities, but can this compound interest survive the cymbal-like crashing of opposing states of reality? Quite simply, can your retirement outlive the stars?

Simply converting liquid assets into tangible assets won't do--how to retrieve said assets when they quite suddenly become the building material of several far-flung galaxies? Visits to local financial institutions or calls to portfolio managers may be similarly hampered by the cataclysmic reordering of nature itself--a troubling prospect for those leaving the workforce and unable to start over along with the firmament. Jean Crenshaw, astrophysicist for Ernst & Young, recommends at the very least moving assets away from stocks as the end of the universe approaches, noting that such an event "could cause a market dip. Still, think for the long term and diversify, and if you know anything about quantum stasis fields please give us a call."

In related science news:

--Physicist Joseph Hendricksen, operating on the theory that humans perceive only three of 10 or 11 existing dimensions, negotiated an eight-elevenths reduction in the rent on his two-bedroom Brussels flat, in addition to an exception to his complex's "no pets" policy for his beloved Bichon Frise Bip, as reported in Science.

--Dr. Lars Afsgaard of Norway continued his groundbreaking work in transplanar accounting by establishing a tax shelter in the newly-theorized dark matter membrane, reducing his tax burden (in American dollars) from $113,324 to $13.72, an achievement noted by the Academy of European Scientists as "not too shabby for a socialist country." Further experiments to incorporate his mail-order hand-carved slide-rule business on the dark membrane were inconclusive, with Afsgaard citing the fundamental instability of wire transfers through a laboratory-generated wormhole.

--Applying Einstein's theory of relativity, Harris DeWarr of Carnegie Mellon University has calculated the rate of accrual, d, of frequent flier miles, f, as one approaches the speed of light. DeWarr has predicted numerous business-class upgrades by 2042, as well as "owning those bastards at United."

--NASA researchers James Delmonico and Ted Cleary, studying the latest imagery from the Hubble Space Telescope, have uncovered further evidence of the existence of anti-credit, the invisible galaxy-spanning substance whose gravitational pull has greatly reduced their credit rating and is the real reason they can't scrape together that money they owe you just yet, honest.

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White