Hey Kids! Fun Science Facts!

--Physicist Joseph Hendricksen, operating on the theory that humans perceive only three of 10 or 11 existing dimensions, negotiated an eight-elevenths reduction in the rent on his two-bedroom Brussels flat, in addition to an exception to his complex's "no pets" policy for his beloved Bichon Frise Bip!

--Dinosaurs once ruled the Earth, but died because they stubbornly refused to settle a garbage strike!

--You could fit more than 300 Earths inside Jupiter, if only Jupiter could resolve its very serious personal space issues!

--Dr. Lars Afsgaard of Norway continued his groundbreaking work in transplanar accounting by establishing a tax shelter in a newly-theorized dark matter universe, reducing his tax burden (in American dollars) from $113,324 to $13.72, an achievement noted by the Academy of European Scientists as "not too shabby for a socialist country." Further experiments to incorporate his mail-order hand-carved slide-rule business on the dark universe were inconclusive, with Afsgaard citing the fundamental instability of wire transfers through a laboratory-generated wormhole!

--A great tortoise can live to be 150 years old, but it will seldom have anything to show for it!

--If you took a human brain, unravelled it, and then tried to stretch it from the Earth to the Moon, you would almost definitely go to jail, you sick bastard!

--Applying Einstein's theory of relativity, Harris DeWarr of Carnegie Mellon University has calculated the rate of accrual, d, of frequent flier miles, f, as one approaches the speed of light. DeWarr has predicted numerous business-class upgrades by 2042, as well as "owning those bastards at United"!

--Beyond gasoline consumption, every day, the United States uses 3.2 million barrels of sweet crude -- just for spite!

--NASA researchers James Delmonico and Ted Cleary, studying the latest imagery from the Hubble Space Telescope, have uncovered further evidence of the existence of anti-credit, the invisible galaxy-spanning substance whose gravitational pull has greatly reduced their credit rating and is the real reason they can't scrape together that money they owe you just yet, honest!

--A direct lightning strike will cook a hamburger even more evenly than a Foreman Grill!

--A mixture of baking soda and water tastes terrible, and does not turn lead into gold, so do not line up any investors for Alchemy Cola!

--If you traveled at the speed of light to a distant star, by the time you returned, all of your family and ex-girlfriends would be long dead. Thanks, relativity!

--The cockroach can surive the fallout from a nuclear explosion, so the roach eggs in that sandwich you just ate are probably doing just fine somewhere in your lower intestine!

--Volcano stains are the hardest to get out of a shag carpet!

--For your next crowded party, fill a bucket with water and then swing it quickly in a vertical circle. Water will not splash out, and after 10 minutes of this you will likely end up the defendant in a personal injury suit!

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White