Some of the Lesser Saints

February 14, 2004

In honor of St. Valentine's Day, we offer this guide to some of the lesser saints.

St. James the Lessest (14 -59)

Feastday: Feb. 29
Patron of Beef-based stews, rodeo clowns, cuticles

James the Lessest, thes first man to index the Bible, was the son of Alphaeus of Babel. His mother Mary was either a sister or the personal stylist of the Blessed Virgin, and for that reason, he is sometimes called the manicurist of the Lord; nail files belonging to James are today enshrined in San Marino, in a basement somewhere. James held a distinguished position in the early Christian community of Jerusalem, as a spreader of Jesus gossip. St. Paul tells us he was a witness of the Resurrection of Christ; other accounts indicate he may have just scalped his tickets and then heard about it from another guy.

In 35, James began a Momentous Recording of Erotic Phenomena Throughout the Old Testament; the wide acclaim given to his condensed "Bible for the Erotic Phenomena Enthusiast" led to various other annotated versions, including "The Good Book as Pertaining to Dog Lovers," and "Testaments for the Centurion's Soul." His extensive notes were culled together in 57 to produce an index for the entire tome, freeing Christians of the burden of having to read then entire Bible; this is regarded as his greatest miracle.

In 59 he was Martyred by the Romans, for refusing to honor a magistrate's expired coupon for a complimentary pedicure, or for jaywalking, accounts are unclear; for these offences he was beheaded, stabbed repeatedly, set on fire, quartered and fed to lions, all at the same time.

St. Alexander Sorrento (1572 - 1638)

Feastday: October 11
Patron of: the passive aggressive; lensmakers; lost pens

A bishop from Corsica. Eschewed his family's profitable cheese and usury businesses to focus on scientific studies. Inducted into the Salamite Order at the age of 14, he distinguished himself as Italy's formost theological astronomer, developing a telescope using eucharists for lenses designed to see impurities in the human soul. In the debate over heliocentrism, he is perhaps best-known for beating Galileo with a sackcloth filled with broken glass; at the conclusion of the beating, he emptied the cloth to miraculously reveal a crystal statue of Pope Urban VIII.

As Lord Diviner of the Papal Scientorium, Alexander made two major contributions to Renaissance science: Sorrento's Theorem of Moustaches (evil increases in proportion to moustache size); and the determination that Galileo, if droped from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, will fall at the same speed as 6-year-old street urchin (God smites all sinners with equal force).

Martyred at a picnic lunch in Tuscany in 1638 by a bear with a moustache.

St. Gilbert of Sempringham (1112 - 1144)

Feastday: June 3
Patron of: bureaucracy; the ambitious

Gilbert was born at Sempringham, England, son of a Norman knight. He was ordained in May 1126 and named Bishop of Lincoln; all church property in Lincoln was destroyed in a fire the next day, described in Gilbert's journals as "the great purification, and woe unto those who stray from the path of the beast."

He returned to Sempringham in 1131 as Lord on the suicide of his father, who had stabbed himself in the back with a bastard sword, 44 times. Gilbert declared himself the new husband to his mother and four sisters. In the same year he began acting as adviser for a group of seven young women living in enclosure with lay sisters and brothers, and decided the community should be incorporated into an established religious order, Gilbert's Dilberts; under the laws of the order, Gilbert became the husband to each woman, and all men had their left leg amputated and were married to male farm animals.

In 1142, he ordered the mass relocation of the Dilberts to Gibraltar; declaring it to be "the rock from which the divine interloper will be smashed, from which the serpent will strike, from which my essence will fertilize the seeds of a new, dark order." Refusing to pay any taxes to Moorish authorities, Gilbert further angered the local government when, upon direct orders from the forked-tongued hell-beast Baathos, he sent forth his one-legged disciples to "round him up some tail." The abductions of local 12-year-olds was too much to bear, and in 1144, Moors stormed the island and beheaded Gilbert and his male followers. They were shocked to find that Gilbert had more than 327 offspring, considerable stockpiles of weaponry and the world's largest collection of snake-themed erotica.

He was canonized in 1234 due to a paperwork error.


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