Reading Room

Below is another selection indicating that Chris White, you guessed it, sucks.

Now We're Cooking!

by Chris White

It's tough to live a full, meaningful life and still have time to eat right. But it can be done, and well within a budget! Below are recipes from the Dcstandup Cookbook. Bon apetit!

"Stuffed" Chicken

1 pound pork loin
3 cups vinagrette dressing
one medium onion, diced
1 bag (16 oz.) semi-sweet chocolate chips (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Place pork loin in 9 x 13 baking pan. If you do not have a 9 x 13 baking pan, wad together some paper towels and duct tape them together. Marinate pork loin in vinagrette dressing for 30 minutes, flipping the meat and turning it counterclockwise 30 degrees at the 22 minute, 30 second mark. Cover pork loin with diced onions, and, if desired, 12 oz. of chocolate chips. Reserve 4 oz. of chips for chocolate glaze.

2. Place pork loin in oven, uncovered, and do not set timer.

3. Go upstairs, read the men's magazine "Stuff," until you are sleepy and must take a nap.

4. Wake up three-hours later to a smoke-filled house. Open a window and grab your car keys.

5. Drive to the nearest Ruby Tuesday and order the Smoky Mountain Chicken Sandwich. It's delicious.

"Oh My God" Chili

Five cans Safeway refried beans
Five cans (16 oz.) Safeway Mexican-style tomatos (with green chiles)
One bag lime-flavored Tostitos
32 oz. cheddar cheese, shredded

1. On Monday, using standard can opener, open one can refried beans. Spoon into 1 qt. saucepan or any non-carcinogenic metal container with sides.

2. Using same can opener, open one can tomatos. Add to refried bean mixture. Stir vigorously.

3. Heat mixture over high heat, stirring constantly, for 3 minutes, or until finger inserted in center of mixture burns on contact. Pour directly into a large bowl. Add cheese to taste.

4. Eat with Tostitos while watching syndicated reruns of "Friends" alone in your mostly dark house.

5. Repeat Tuesday through Thursday.

6. On Friday, while stirring mixture, weep openly. Say, "oh my god, is this my life?" Eat mixture anyway. Do 15 situps, give up in frustration and stare at the ceiling, sobbing quietly for 4 hours until bedtime.

FrankenDogs

One package, Ball Park Franks
One package, Hebrew National Hot Dogs
One package, Oscar Meyer Weiners
One package, Safeway Select hot dogs
One gallon of cocktail sauce

1. On George Foreman grill, prepare one of each type of hotdog. Slice each hot dog into four pieces. Place one segment from each hot dog on a skewer.

2. Repeat with remaining hot dogs.

3. Serve with cocktail sauce and straight rum. Serves 5 like-minded people.

Poor Man's Panini

Wait behind a Cosi at closing time. Search dumpster.

Legal Stuff: If you have questions about this Web site, why? You should spend your time questioning the moral nature of any god who would let Chris White exist. But anyhow ... copyright 2008, Chris White Sucks Inc.