Vigilante Starter Kit

March 21, 2005

Welcome to the exciting world of vigilante justice! We live in dangerous times, and there are some places conventional law enforcement just won’t go. On behalf of society, we want to thank you for shining the bright light of righteousness into the dark scum-infested corners of your community. They may have guns and money, but you’ve got spunk – and the Vigilante Starter Kit. We here at VigilTech Inc. guarantee that’s all you’ll need.*

Why vigilante justice?

We live in a fast-paced, hectic world, and many forms of justice often can’t fit into our busy lifestyles.

We would all love to balance work, family and lifelong vendettas in which those who wronged us are inexorably decimated by shadowy psychological warfare. But if you’re not retired, who has the time? After a hard day at the office and a Saturday watching Little League games, few of us can muster the energy to hunt down an opponent’s estranged daughter and convince her to pose naked for art photos in our basement – heck, few of us can muster the energy to even watch a little TV!

Who has time for the paperwork and scheduling hassles of criminal justice? If you’ve already been mugged once, there’s no reason the government should mug you of the hours of leave time you’ll have to waste prosecuting those responsible. The only appeals you should have to worry about are from people appealing to the better angel of your nature as you stand over their prone bodies holding an aluminum bat.

And as for poetic justice? Just try pulling gangbangers off of your grandmother with a haiku. We suggest:

hey there angry guys
pick on someone your own size
ahhh not in the face

Please – you’re a take-charge person. You need results, and you need them on your timetable. That’s why vigilante justice is the justice for you – the man on the go.

Getting Started: Finding a cause

The key to being a successful vigilante is motivation. Ask yourself: Why do I want justice? How bad do I want justice? Does the bitter taste of justice make a nice seasoning when I eat scrambled eggs on Tuesday?

Perhaps the most popular motivation for the average vigilante is revenge. The old saying goes that revenge, like gazpacho, is a dish best served cold. But to quote another old saying, “I swear to god the second I get these pants back on you are D-E-A-D dead.” Vigilantes and Vengeance go hand in hand, and the need for revenge can come from almost anywhere. Consider these testimonials.

Oliver, Butte Montana – “When stamps went to 37 cents, I was furious with the government. How am I supposed to send 120 letters to editor every day with that kind of overhead? How will people learn the truth about block grants and the CIA? But then I realized it wasn’t the fault of the postal service. It’s the fault of those who needlessly drive up the volume of mail. Now I have a new cause: chasing Pottery Barn employees with a sawed-off pool cue. Thanks, Vigilante starter kit.”

Meredith, Washington DC – “I’ll never forget that horrible day. I was driving my Escalade through my neighborhood, and I leaned down to turn on my iPod. When I looked up, an out-of-control teen is jaywalking across the street right in front of me. I had to slam my breaks so hard my ice coffee spilled all over the upholstery, and I had just leased that car. They say to keep order in society, sweat the small stuff. Well now, all the punk teens in my neighborhood have to sweat all the small pieces of buckshot I fit into my garden hose.”

And of course, there’s more to vigilantism than revenge. Misguided social justice and sticking it to the man are great reasons to get on the streets and start swinging. Just know yourself, and stay committed – you’re going to need that commitment when street gangs retaliate by kidnapping family members (for more information, order Booklet #123, “No One Needs Ten Fingers (It’s Not Your Fault).” $15).

If you can’t figure out your own motivation, here are a few things to be angry about that might need taking care of in your neighborhood:

  • Low-rise jeans
  • People who think they’re cool but they’re not
  • Local newscasts focusing too much on violence
  • Paying for refills on soda
  • Angry hoverbike-riding rape gangs from the future

Weapon of Choice

There are varying schools of weapon choice for the modern vigilante. The first is simple – “Abuse, but don’t bruise.” It’s a fine philosophy if you don’t want to answer to what scientists call “the police,” but it’s also hard to strike fear into the common street criminal when chasing after them with a phone book. Plus, if you get a criminal stain on your phonebook, it might make it hard to look up a decent pizza delivery place after a hard night of bludgeoning.

For the starter vigilante, we strongly recommend the classic weapon included with this kit: a simple canvas sack. The sack is the ultimate in utility. Need to immobilize some street trash? Place an empty sack over their unsuspecting torso, and let your bat-wielding friends finish the job. Need to incapacitate the wayward youth who scratched your bumper? A sack filled with doorknobs can get the job done. Need to get your laundry to the Laundromat? Sack.

Most important, sacks allow you to get creative in ways that other weapons would never allow. Sew fraternity letters on them to stylize your beatings. If you’re looking for a cardio workout, use a low-resistance single brick for fast-swinging action. If you want to build muscle mass, a week of whipping 60 pool balls into the unwashed mashes will have your pecs ripped. And there are even social opportunities.

“After a good scouring of my sector, I always was famished,” says Steve Howell of Des Moines, Iowa. “But there are never any good restaurants open at 1 a.m. Then me and my buddy Jeff got a great idea. We beat people with a sack of avocados, and by the time the evening is through we have delicious guacamole to enjoy at the vigilante mixer right afterwards. Those mixers are where I met my wife Brenda, who has been the joy of my life whenever she isn’t being held hostage during a turf struggle.”

Dress for Success

The Vigilante Starter Kit comes equipped with one bright orange headband – all you’ll need to tell the unsavory element that you mean business. Not only does the bright color call out as a beacon of safety to trampled innocents, the garment’s sleek functionality keeps hair and sweat out of your eyes while you flail for the forces of justice.

Your appearance can be enhanced in many ways, however. A jean vest with no shirt ($35, VigilWear Catalog) can say more than any well-rehearsed speech. An eye-patch commands the respect of your adversary. A kilt ($45, VigilWear Catalog) conjures hints of a berserker rage. And female avengers can throw street punks off guard with our exciting new VigilPanties line.

VigilWear also has a large number of iron-on animal decals, including: Camel (one-hump); Ferret; Tapir; Camel (two-hump); Walleye Bass; and Nar-Whale. Remember: fear can win a fight before the first punch is thrown. And when you charge your opponent in a distressed cotton half-shirt ($18, available in kids’ sizes) with a giraffe decal ($5), your velour cape ($53) trailing in the sticky summer air, the beating is just a formality.

Share the Fun

You’re well on your way to being a successful dark avenger. But remember, there’s no need to walk your tortured path alone! Vigilantism is a great activity for friends, families and church groups.

“I could never make my son Timmy’s track meets,” says Joe Delmonico of Philadelphia. “There was no way to get out of work in the afternoons. Then he offered to join my vigilante night death squad. Now every night I get to watch him run down aggressive panhandlers.”

As our thanks to you, if any acquaintance opts to purchase the Vigilante Starter Kit based on your recommendation, let us know and we’ll grant you a $10 credit toward the VigilWear catalog.

NOTE: If your group is larger than 15 people, please contact our sales reps for information on the State Militia Starter Kit.

* For the purposes of the VigilTech Inc. guarantee, “spunk” is defined as “a full-body Kevlar suit, an armored Humvee, five semi-automatic weapons, no significant psychological attachments to any other human being (including immediate family and pets), a reinforced concrete bunker with a hidden entrance, and an F.O.P card.”

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White