Reading Room

Below is another selection indicating that Chris White, you guessed it, sucks.

Championship Game Previews

by Chris White, January 18, 2005

Sunday, 3:30 p.m. -- Watching the Eagles vs. Running Errands with Your Girlfriend. Defense will be the focal point in this rematch from Week 4. That contest – a hard fought battle on both sides of the ball – was decided on special teams when a last-second faked food poisoning tipped the scale to Watching the Eagles as the pre-game show expired. But since that defeat, the Errands have steadily been gaining momentum, with decisive victories over “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, and a huge Monday night victory over the Poker Game You’ve Been Looking Forward to For Weeks Because John is in Town and You Only Get to See Him About Twice a Year.

The Eagles, on the other hand, are facing a number of serious questions, first and foremost their seeming inability to stop the running toilet in the upstairs bathroom; while Errands could not exploit this weakness in September, the addition of New Home Depot Within Five Miles in mid-November has energized their offense and allowed them to control the clock. The Eagles’ passing game has also been suspect; problems began in Week 10 when, drunk at your girlfriend’s office happy hour, you told her co-worker that she had “great tits.” Since that play, the league has strictly enforced the “No Contact Rule,” and the resulting penalties have killed several Eagles drives.

But the most intriguing questions center on Watching the Eagles’ mental state. Three straight years, they have seen tough losses to close the season – against Your Girlfriend’s Bitchy College Roommate’s Wedding in 2002, Problems With the F***ing DirectTV Dish in 2003 and Too Hungover to Move in 2004. Whether those defeats serve as extra motivation against Running Errands or as the groundwork for another heartbreaking defeat remains to be seen.

Sunday, 6:30 p.m. – Watching the Late Game vs. Passing Out Drunk On Your Uncomfortable Futon / Couch and Waking Up at 2 A.M. On a Distressingly Damp Spot. Passing Out leads the all-time series 38-3-1. That’s the only stat you need.

Legal Stuff: If you have questions about this Web site, why? You should spend your time questioning the moral nature of any god who would let Chris White exist. But anyhow ... copyright 2008, Chris White Sucks Inc.