Things I Won't Eat and Why

May 5, 2005

Mushrooms

Mushrooms are fungus, and I do not eat fungus, because every fungus is disgusting. If you called somebody a fungus, they would not take it as a compliment, unless they were dressed as a fungus for a Halloween party and no one had gotten their outfit all night. But what did they expect? There are perfectly good costumes they could have made or purchased, like Uncle Jesse from “The Dukes of Hazard.” Some overalls, a baseball cap, a fake beard. Maybe a pillow to round out the stomach. But no, they decided to go as mold. Maybe they deserve to sit in the corner of the party by themselves.

Some people say, “you are overreacting. Fungi are not so bad.” But consider these two statements:

A) “Hey Bob, I think that’s a fungus on your toe.”
B) “Hey Bob, I think that’s a Monster Thickburger on your toe.”

Statement A creates feelings of revulsion. What kind of guy is this Bob? Clearly, he has poor hygiene, and on top of that the gall to walk around with his shoes off in public. Statement B makes us feel happy. Bob enjoys hamburgers, like the lovable Wimpy of “Popeye” fame. Someone from his large group of hamburger-loving friends told him a ribald anecdote, and while doubled over with laughter, Bob dropped the delicious Thickburger he was eating onto his toe. The same friend who told the ribald story knows he’s got Bob now! He follows up his jaunty tale by pointing out Bob’s goof, and the whole group erupts in uproarious laughter. Women love a sense of humor, so a group of high school cheerleaders (all of them recently 18 and not looking for anything serious or long-term) upon hearing the merriment approach Bob and his friends. There are six girls and five guys, but that’s OK, because two of the girls don’t mind sharing Bob. They all make out in the flatbed of Bob’s unbelievably sweet Ford F150 that night, staring at the stars and dreaming of a future that belongs to them. Advantage: Not Fungus.

Still other people say, “yes, some fungi isn’t pleasant, but I like mushrooms. Mushrooms are OK. You can’t even taste the mushrooms in most dishes.” Mushrooms grow on piles of crap. They do not require light to live, and exist solely by leeching the life essence from other organic matter. Snickers bars, on the other hand, don’t. Also, if you cannot taste mushrooms, then why are you eating mushrooms? They add no flavor. Why not remove them, or, if you need the calories, replace them with delicious, non-fecal-associated Snickers bars?

The only possible reason to eat a mushroom or any other fungus is preemptive revenge. When we die, any number of fungi will attack and desecrate our beautiful corpses, transforming the once-proud vessels of our immortal souls into common dirt. Perhaps by eating mushrooms, people subconsciously lash out at the vile spawn that lurk all around us, hovering, waiting to gorge upon our unblemished, radiant form. But revenge is no substitute for living, except in the movie “Animal House,” where it all seemed to work out just fine. Those who are truly pure, whose spirits will transcend this plane of existence and claim dominion over the vast beyond, would not taint their essence with a dark fungal stain. They especially would not let that stain ruin an otherwise fantastic deep-dish pizza.

Some have berated me for my refusal to eat mushrooms. Others have suggested that perhaps I was touched inappropriately by a man in a Super Mario costume, but those suggestions are dirty lies that you cannot talk about because you were not there. All I ask is that you respect my decision, in the same way that I respect your decision to heap excrement-nurtured devil seeds on a perfectly good Caesar salad.

Fish

I will not eat fish, because fish live in the ocean, and I have peed in there.

Cow Intestines Stuffed with Horse Testicles

I don’t care if there’s a chance of my winning $50,000. This is only the second round, and that money is no guarantee. For all I know, the next round might involve base-jumping with a car battery hooked up to my nipples, and I’m certainly not doing that. I still have my dignity, and I’d like to think that $50,000 can’t buy my dignity.

Oh, who am I kidding – I’ve given it away for free, just to have it pissed on, like by Jean. It was her idea for me to sign up for this show in the first place. She always said I never took chances. Well now I’m on national television staring down a huge plate of horse balls, and she wouldn’t even take the chance of getting engaged. “The future is just so uncertain.” No crap, that’s why they call it the FUTURE. I’d like to see her try to put this crap in her mouth, if she can detach her mouth from that backstabbing a-hole Paul for more than 10 seconds. And she says she hopes we can all still be friends. Please, I’d rather eat horse balls.

I can’t believe the other people are doing it. I would have actually asked out that nursing student from Macon before I saw her down that thing. I think “nursing student” is code for “topless dancer.” Ugh, now I have to think about cow dumps every time I see her mouth. Enjoy your future as a health care professional. May you never give mouth-to-mouth.

This Bowl of Soup With A Hair In It

This is an outrage. I paid $8 for this, and there’s a HAIR in it? What kind of disgusting establishment is this? How is it that the Board of Health hasn’t shut you down? You just have filthy people from god knows where handling every single food item … Jesus, I bet half of this is spit anyway. If you think we’re paying for any of this meal you are sadly ...

Oh, wait, this is my hair. Never mind. But while you’re here, can we have some more bread?


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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White