Holiday Humor

December 9, 2005

EDITOR'S NOTE -- the following jokes are a sneak preview of next week's "Holiday Humor" page in Reader's Digest. Please enjoy!

A little boy wanted a bike for Christmas. “Give me a bike!” he told his mother. “But you’ve been terrible all year. Why should Santa bring you a bike?” she asked. The boy thought about it for a minute. “Because if he doesn’t, I’ll tell dad that you’ve been boinking the mailman!”

A man went out shopping on Christmas Eve. He hated shopping, and so he put it off until the last minute. Desperate for help, he went into the lingerie store at the local mall and flagged down a cute young salesgirl. “Excuse me, but I’m in a really tight spot. I have to get my wife a Christmas present. You’re about her size. Could you try on a few things for me to check the fit?” The salesgirl was reluctant, but decided to help out a desperate man. He handed her the most scandalous outfits in the store, and she gamely tried them all on and modeled them for the man. “Do you see anything for your wife?” she asked. “Oh, I’m not married,” he answered. “But I am a registered sex offender. Now if you’ll excuse me, Spencer Gifts closes in 10 minutes.”

Billy and Timmy got into a snowball fight. Billy took things too far, wrapping snow around a rock and hitting Timmy in the face. Timmy wanted revenge, so he made five snowballs, put them in his freezer and waited until a June day when Billy was playing in the street. He ran inside, grabbed his armful of snowballs, and ran out into the street pelting the shocked Billy repeatedly until he ran into his house. Timmy laughed and laughed in the middle of the street, until Billy emerged with 10 rocks he had been keeping in his freezer and started pelting Timmy mercilessly in the head, blinding him in the right eye. The moral: Let he who is without snow cast the ten stones!

Two little girls were making snowmen side by side. “I like your snowman,” said the first girl to the second. The second girl corrected the first: “It’s not a snowman, it’s a snowWOMAN.” The first girl was puzzled. “But it looks exactly like my snowman! How can people tell that it’s a girl?” The second girl shot right back: “Simple. It’s completely irrational, makes 30 cents less on the dollar and ruins men’s lives.”

Little Joey was putting out cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve when his father walked into the room. “What are you up to?” asked dad. “Santa needs chocolate chip cookies to give him energy!” said Joey. The father thought for a minute and said, “Actually, I think Santa would really like some of that single-malt scotch in the cabinet over there.” Joey wanted to make Santa happy, so he did what his dad suggested. That morning at 3 a.m., Santa had the extra energy to beat Joey with a large black leather belt.

Q: What’s the difference between an elf and slave labor? A: The slaves were eventually freed!

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White