The Frame Personality Quiz, With Slight Adjustments to Possible Answers to Better Serve the General Populace

1. What's your idea of a dream vacation?

  • a) Mimosas every morning on the shores of Maui
  • b) Exploring the ruins of ancient Greece by day, sensual massage by night
  • c) Hoping your parents can't hear you having awkward mostly clothed sex with your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend on the sofa bed in the living room of the five-room Delaware beach house they get each summer
  • d) Being drunk for a week

2. Which shoe best reflects your style?

  • a) Anything leather and more than $500
  • b) Trail runners
  • c) Penny loafers purchased at the Salvation Army which were really quite a deal, because they had dimes in them
  • d) One flip-flop and decorative duct tape for the end of your peg leg

3. What's your idea of the perfect night out?

  • a) Deciding what's art, then mocking those who don't get it
  • b) Arriving late to a sporting event, people-watching while talking on your bluetooth and leaving 2/3 of the way through the game
  • c) Any activity paid for by other people, especially buffets with lax Tupperware policies
  • d) Waiting in an alleyway for the evening to come to you

4. If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would do?

  • a) Fly straight to the fashion capital of the world
  • b) Gild my diploma from Dartmouth
  • c) Pay off dog-track debts, then invest in 4 million scratch-off tickets
  • d) Methodically plan the death of everyone else in the office pool who might get a cut

5. Your wardrobe is mostly:

  • a) Hand-made by small Mediterranean men who measured your crotch a suspicious number of times
  • b) Ironic
  • c) A reflection of your parents' neglect
  • d) Military surplus

6. If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?

  • a) A really expensive car polished five times a week by my butler, assuming that as a car I could still have a butler
  • b) The Lotus submarine from "The Spy Who Loved Me"
  • c) A 1971 Dodge Dart
  • d) Christine, but with more flame decals and a beaded seat cushion

7. When you're at a social event, you are:

  • a) Handing out business cards that list your title as "Chief of Awesomeness"
  • b) Leading discussions on world events even when people really want you to stop, because it's a party
  • c) Pretending that the odor didn't come from you
  • d) Wishing with all your heart that the guards couldn't see you crying when your son touches the plexiglass

8. It's a Friday night and you're staying in to watch a movie. What are you going to watch?

  • a) Belle de Jour
  • b) Anything with Zach Braff
  • c) The home movie of you tripping at your graduation, in which your dad almost chokes laughing
  • d) The Incredible Mr. Limpet

9. Which of the following statements best reflects your style philosophy?

  • a) "I am better than others and I think accessorizing should prove it."
  • b) "I want to act like I don't care what others think, even though I clearly do."
  • c) "I am cheap."
  • d) "We are all clothed in a wardrobe of lies."

Mostly (a): You are a power player! You want the classic, bold lines of a metal frame, attached to a monocle.

Mostly (b): You are a bohemian! Enjoy the arty freedom and exciting colors of a plastic frame, preferably something with a designer name written in rhinestones on an earpiece.

Mostly (c): You are frugal, and quite frankly a little bit sad! Please take your business elsewhere.

Mostly (d): You are a sociopath who thinks he is a pirate! Anything from the Donna Karan collection will work.

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White