So Sorry

February 4, 2009

First off, I would like to express my profound regret to the president. My only desire throughout this episode has been to serve this great nation, and while I have no doubt that I will be exonerated, I feel that the questions swirling around my nomination at this time can only serve as a distraction in these troubled times.

I honestly did not understand that my income from 2001-2008 was taxable. My consulting work at the time was often done in the spirt of friendship, and as such, I felt that the homes and servants provided to me were mutual gestures of respect from the companies I was helping.

I admit that the decision to write off day spa treatments for my children and dogs could seem baffling, but I ask that out of respect for the privacy of my children and my Doberman, their severe dermatological conditions not be discussed any further in the public forum.

Please also respect the privacy of my litter-bearers. When the litter-bearer service first appeared at my door four years ago, I did not know that they had been sent and paid for by lobbyists. It was my sincere belief that they were citizens spontaneously inspired by accounts of my public service, and that denying them the privilege of carrying me around town would be an insult. In hindsight, their willingness to run errands and have sex with me does seem suspicious, but the thought that they were in any way "compensation" for my professional services never crossed my mind. Had I known that they were considered my employees, I certainly would have paid unemployment taxes for them, and checked to see that they were documented immigrants of legal age. But I cannot turn back the hands of time.

I did not know that the large garbage bags of $100 bills given to me by clients were bags of money. I never opened them, assuming that they were beanbag chairs. I was happy to have them, needing them to furnish the five-bedroom townhouse that I now understand was compensation and not just "a place to crash," and as such I valued each bag at the cost of a beanbag chair, instead of their individual worth of $5.3 million each.

As for deducting $300,000 in Vicodin as a business expense, well, that was just irresponsible, and I apologize.

These innocent, blameless mistakes that anyone could make are inexcusable, and I gladly paid $4.23 million in back taxes and interest to the IRS after a team of 15 agents called these small indiscretions to my attention, because I love America. Though my inability to successfully observe widely publicized laws is egregious, I do not feel that it in any way would have reflected on my ability to run a complex federal bureaucracy. But these are issues I leave to whoever fills that noble post. I wish them luck, and should they need any advice, I am available for the low cost of two beanbags chairs.


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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White