April 1, 2009
Happy April Fools Day! Not everyone is prank-minded, so here a few easy jokes you can play on the people in your life. Especially kids -- they're stupid!
Phoney Funnies. Call a loved one using a cell phone, from an outdoor location. Ask them about their day. After they get exactly five sentences in, say, "Yeah, yeah ... look, I need $25,000. I'm desperate." When they ask why you need the money, say, "I don't know how to ... OH GOD!" Then hang up. Don't answer your phone again until April 2! Hee hee!
School Daze. Offer to drive your child, or the child of a friend, to school. Instead, drop the kid off at a Greyhound bus terminal, with a ticket to any municipality with a thriving gambling industry. When people ask about the whereabouts of the child, say, "I hope it's not the horses again." Then sigh and get very quiet.
Sweet Tooth. Have a dinner party. For dessert, promise a "big surprise." Then stall a very long time after dinner. Once people start asking about dessert, throw your hands up and yell, "FINE! You want the surprise? Jimmy is gay!" This works best if you have a friend named Jimmy at the dinner.
Say Your Prayers. Solemnly inform your significant other than you've had an "awakening." Ask them to put on a "purity hood" and share your new vision; then hand them a dirty burlap bag. If they put on the hood, smack them on the butt, laugh and them tell them there is no god. If they refuse to put on the hood, they do not love you.
Chubby Chaser. Over a period of three months, gradually hem or take in every article of cloting in a loved one's outfit. Whenever they ask if they seem to be getting larger, insist that they're crazy and they still look great. Finally, after three months, gather all their friends and associatiates, and have an intervention about their "exploding weight." "I was just being nice," you can begin. "You're hideous."
Surprise! Tell a young child repeatedly over the course of many years that hard work is always rewarded, that good things happen to good people and women love nice guys. After 30 years they'll get the joke.
The surface of the sun. Also, when there's a new trivia night I'll post the date here.
A nine-day journey into the heart of madness (aka California) is being posted on the travel pages. Read it before the Big One makes it obsolete!
The third Nerdcation (TM) is in the books. Feel free to recreate this journey stop for stop with your spouse, the next time you really want to strain your marriage.