New Versions of Movies, If Characters Heeded Things Yelled at the Screen at Theaters I Frequent

June 23, 2009

Drag Me to Hell. After a violent encounter with a gypsy woman she had denied a loan extension, attractive loan officer Chris notices the gypsy's car in the parking garage as she heads for home that evening. She then GETS A DAMN SECURITY GUARD to walk her to her car. When the gypsy woman attacks, the guard easily puts her in a choke hold. Now able to focus on her work, the loan officer is promoted to assistant bank manager and spends the next 70 minutes approving small business loans -- a hell she has shockingly dragged herself to.

The Hangover. Poised to do a shot of Jaegermeister on the roof of Caesar's Palace, the four friends suddenly realize, THAT'S A BAD IDEA. Understanding that debauchery never should have been planned the same week of the wedding, they experience only the hangover of buyer's remorse after paying $60 to see Louie Anderson at Excalibur.

The Exorcist. Father Merrin prepares to drive the devil from Regan MacNeil, thereby saving her innocent soul from eternal damnation. But on seeing her grisly visage, he DOESN'T GO NEAR THAT CRAZY BITCH. Though Regan dies, Father Merrin stays on at Georgetown and finds redemption as a booster for the basketball team, even dressing on occasion in the bulldog mascot costume, with his career ending triumphantly in 1984 in a passionate embrace with Patrick Ewing following the title game. But the demons live on, haunting Ewing throughout his NBA career.

Jaws. Chrissy Watkins, sensing danger, GETS THE **** OUT OF THE WATER. Naked and exhilirated by her brush with death, she opts to explore her burgeoning sexuality with numerous partners of both genders that summer, only to succumb to the ravages of gonorrhea, a shame which will haunt her more than any shark ever could.

Raiders of the Lost Ark. Contemplating the entrance to the Well of Souls, Indiana Jones listens to the voice in his head: DON'T GO DOWN THERE WITH THOSE SNAKES! Forfeiting the Ark to the Nazis, Jones passes the time in the canteens of Cairo as Hitler overruns Europe by harnessing the awesome power of YHWH.

Casablanca. At the airport, Rick is overwhelmed at thought of losing Ilsa and instead decides to HIT THAT as a distraught Laszlo looks on helplessly. Though Major Strasser arrives moments later, Rick JACKIE CHANS HIS ASS. The personal victory for Rick is offset by the terrible blow to the resistance, as an emotionally crippled and no longer inspirational Laszlo turns to drinking. Louie is executed days later by the Germans, and Hitler overruns Europe in montage to "As Time Goes By."

Doubt. Called to Father Flynn's office, the meek Donald Miller yells OH HELL NO! and spends the rest of the day hanging around a pool hall. He is expelled, leading the audience to doubt only why exactly everyone in this movie got an Oscar nomination.

Synecdoche, New York. Caden Cotard, searching for a way to cheat death, instead says WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP, THIS SUCKS, and kills himself. To fill out the remaining 87 minutes needed to make feature length, Hitler overruns Europe by harnessing the awesome power of YHWH to "As Time Goes By."

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White