If you don't vote ...

November 2, 2010

If you haven't already, be sure to vote. This is a momentous, once-in-a-lifetime election that will forever change the course of American democracy.

If you don't vote, the people who disagree with you will take control of this country. They will reverse all the policies you favor, while steering money to the cackling hordes that financed their campaigns -- shadowy people who probably have mustaches. They will also indoctrinate your children in labor camps and, if you're married, sexually assault your spouse. If you aren't married, they're going to force you to get married to someone you aren't really in love with -- maybe someone of your own gender, if you're worried about that. Then, they will force you to live together until romance blossoms, at which point they will sexually assault your spouse.

Within four days of your not voting, much of Washington will be in flames. The leader of whatever you oppose will retrieve the Constitution from the National Archives and call a press conference where they eat a very big rack of messy ribs on top of it. Then they will force themselves to vomit all over the Declaration of Independence, and proceed to eat soft-shell crabs on the Bill of Rights.

If you don't stop the tide, American culture will be forever damaged, and your children's children (assuming your children survive the labor camps) will almost certainly be lazy, addicted to government-provided drugs, or Communists. If they're lucky, they will be forced to serve in the Army, as military service will become mandatory when we invade that country that is merely misunderstood. They will be lucky, because at the very least everyone supports the troops.

Also, your favorite television show will be canceled by government censors.

If you do not vote, the great trauma to our political system will awaken the spirits of the Founders -- literally. They will rise from the grave with their skeletal steeds, weeping copious tears of blood for the destruction of their crystal-clear vision. They will then ride o'er the land , screaming civics lectures at a full gallop and forcing any body of water they come within a mile of to boil. They will bludgeon the nonbelievers with copies of the Federalist Papers, and George Washington himself will use a plowshare to carve a masonic symbol into the forehead of those who betrayed this great land, forever marking them to the end of their days as a vile collaborator in the death of freedom.

On the other hand, if there's a really long line, don't sweat it. We're doing this again in 2012.

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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White