Holiday Cookie Recipies

December 21, 2010

Fuggedaboudems

These cookies are a snap -- just five weeks of advance planning and you've got a crunchy treat that guests will love.

2 egg whites
1 cup sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
pinch of salt

Preheat over to 325. Beat egg whites and salt at high speed of electric mixer until stiff peaks form. Fold in vanilla and sugar. Drop teaspoons of batter two inches apart on ungreased cookie sheets.

Put cookie sheet on bottom rack of oven and immediately turn off oven. Leave cookie sheet in the oven for five weeks, forgetting about its existence. Allow cookies to absorbe the aroma and flavors of various meat products by cooking a series of exotic meals on upper racks, preferably dishes with meat juices or melted cheese that could drip down to the cookie sheet.

After five weeks, remove cookie sheet from oven and wonder about your deteriorating mental capabilities while stress-eating cookies with your afternoon chardonnay.

Subaroons

Here's a great holiday treat that's easy for anyone to make!

2 cups gluten-free flour
1 cup Splenda
1/2 cup I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
1/4 cup egg substitute
2 tsp. artificial vanilla
Gray food coloring
1 package soy cubes, drained

Cream "sugar" and "butter" using an electric mixer. Stir in "eggs" and "vanilla" until blended. Add "flour," half at a time, just until mixed. Add gray food coloring until a drab, non-metallic gray forms, roughly the color of a Scottish winter.

Shape loosely coherent paste into one-inch balls. Make thumbprint indentation in each ball, and place soy cube into each indentation. Bake, two inches apart, on ungreased cookie sheets at 350 for 8-12 minutes or until the faint smell of burning plastic fills the kitchen.

Cool completely on wire racks.

Serve with soy milk to people that you hate or have wronged you in some way.

Voodoodles


Store-bought sugar cookie mix
2 tsp of the blood of your enemies
1 poisonous snake
Decorative icing
Cinnamon red-hots (if desired)

Prepare sugar cookie mix as directed, adding the blood of your enemies at the end. Shape dough into large disc, wrap in plastic and chill in refigerator for 2 hours.

Preheat oven to 375. On a surface lightly dusted with the ashes of a prize rooster, roll dough with rolling pin to 1/8 inch thickness while repeatedly chanting: "Papa Legba, hear me!"

Using an enchanted flint or a dagger carved from the jawbone of an alligator, carve out rough representations of your enemies that enhance their most embarrassing features in a preposterous way. Place cutouts on cookie sheets greased with the fat of a nutria. Spit on each cutout, then wave the snake over the cookie sheet while stage whispering: "VENGEANCE." Bake cookies on middle rack for 12 minutes or until edges are set. Transfer to wire racks to cool.

Using decorative icing, give the cookies faces and at least one recognizable feature from the enemy they represent. Use cinnamon red-hots for buttons if desired.

Force-feed the cookies to the snake to inflict great pain, suffering and possible death on those who dared to evict you from your swamp shack. Cookies can also be served directly to the enemy they represent, so that you might watch their expressions and laugh maniacally as their own teeth and gastric juices propel them into the great darkness.


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One man's quest to be the humblest person alive
Copyright 2013, Chris White